0n their way to fix it
by gothica vanessa
Summary: Can Ennis and Jack finally "fix it" after those awful hurting words in 1983 ? This is of course a rhetorical question : The real AU story begins from chapter 3. Chapters 1 and 2 are respecting canon and filling up some blanks :
1. Prelude

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT**

**Pairing:** Ennis/Jack

**Setting:** Canon until 1983, then AU — No death, I'm hopelessly romantic...

**Rating:** NC-17 for the whole story.

**Summary:** Can Ennis and Jack finally 'fix it' after those awful hurting words in 1983? (This is of course a rhetorical question ) The real AU story begins from chapter 3. Chapters 1 and 2 are respecting canon and filling up some blanks.

**Beta:** My eternal gratitude to wanderingsmith**, **who made a TRULY amazing job at improving my silly stuff! Thanks again for your endless patience and your light-speed answers. You are a real gem And thanks to anyone who ever pointed out some mistakes along the way: Paola (freetraveller15) mostly, Jackien1968, Carole (bmshirts) — we miss you , Alex (rtintown), Suziesue, Antonella and Grlewis.

**Support: **Thanks to anyone who ever made a comment I know I don't update as regularly as I should and as regularly as I'd want to; sorry and huge thanks once more for your patience

**Feedback: **Yes, please, always welcome.

**Disclaimer:** The characters of Ennis, Jack etc etc... belong to Annie Proulx. No disrespect is intended, I'm just trying to make them (and me) happier

**Warnings:** M/M sex (Ennis being Ennis, they never really talked things over, you know… so IMO the way they made love WAS their way of talking), some bad language. And for information, I saw the movie before I read the book, so when the two are not fitting exactly together (Jenny/Francine, Ennis sleeping by the sheep or not, Ennis's note or phone call about his divorce, etc etc etc), I chose for the film canon.

**Dedication: **To Annie Proulx for creating them. To Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Ang Lee, Heath, Jake, Michelle, Anne, and all people involved in making that wonderful film which touched me so much in so many ways. And particularly to Heath, I promised myself to write this for him, after his tragic, far too soon disparition

/

**PRELUDE: SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24****TH****, 1967 (PART I)**

**JACK POV**

Jack was driving. Towards Riverton. Towards Ennis. After 4 years.

It had all started 3 months ago, when LD had given him the schedule of agricultural machinery trade shows he wanted Jack to go to for the coming months. There was one planned in Sage, WY! The word Sage had been automatically associated with, and replaced by, another word in his mind: Ennis.

First, of course, after that damn June of '64 which had left him heartbroken and soulless while leaving Aguirre's trailer without caring at all about not having a job, Jack had tried to leave it all behind — Ennis hadn't come, so he was by now probably happily married to this Alma he had mentioned, huh. And for all Jack knew, Ennis might even have forgotten his name, so...

But Jack had soon realized that forgetting was not going to be an option for him. He had once, out of curiosity, even looked in the phone book — not that he really believed he would call anyway, huh. Maybe he just needed proof that the man he couldn't get out of his head existed for real... who knew... Unfortunately, it had only made his ache grow; it had seemed there were no Del Mars in Sage anymore…

Even while on the rodeo circuit, Jack had been unable to resist the urge to try to pick Ennis's trail back up, and he had used to check at each rodeo the entries list, and had always tried to talk with anyone from the south west of Wyoming. But he had never been successful.

And then, on a day brighter than others, he had met Lureen, who was beautiful, clever and rich enough to have anyone she could ever want but who had seemed to want him —HIM— as no one ever had — and particularly not the one who mattered the most to him. And that sure wasn't a bad feeling to let himself be swept into, huh... And if he wasn't supposed to get the one person he really wanted anyway, then he might as well follow the path that had just opened up in front of him and become the man she thought he was, or needed him to be... So the day she had told him she was pregnant, he had asked her to marry him, of course, and here he was now, married with the prettiest little gal in Childress, TX, and working for the real son of a bitch her father was...

Nevertheless, he always kept his ears and eyes open at any agricultural show he went to. Not that he ever had a choice, really; that name and its shadow always at the back of his mind... So of course, the moment he read "Sage", Jack couldn't help but feel hopeful. A show in Sage. Ennis's place. This should lead him somewhere, right... Unable to fight his dreams, Jack had started counting down the days.

And he had been lucky. More lucky than he had even dared to hope. A few hours after the opening of the show, he had heard an old rancher calling someone to discuss a few models. The name that had been called had given him goosebumps — it had definitely been "Del Mar". He had watched, transfixed, until a tall, lean figure had got close to the older rancher. Jack's heart had cringed. It hadn't been Ennis, of course. But there had been something in the man's stance which had reminded him of Ennis, and though the features were quite different, Jack had wondered if this could be K.E. When the old rancher had left him alone again, Jack had just gone for it. Putting on his most friendly smile while presenting himself, he had told the stranger that he had heard his name called out, and wondered if he was kin to one of his old friends, Ennis del Mar.

Jack had been right, it had been Kevin, Ennis's big brother. Jack had stayed really vague about his friendship with Ennis, and had said that he had moved to Texas just before Ennis should marry Alma. At the mention of Alma, Kevin had bought it and had spilled it all out quite easily. Kevin had said that he hadn't seen Ennis and Alma in years, because they had moved soon after their wedding as Ennis had found a job as a wrangler near Lost Cabin. But they had moved again. He had received a card not so long ago mentioning a new address, in Riverton.

Jack had felt a jolt through his body, the right kind of jolt he hadn't felt in years. He had found Ennis back. Ennis was in Riverton. He had been grinning and dreaming while thanking Kevin for the news and ending the conversation. He had no exact address, but he could try general delivery.

Back in Childress, Jack had spent an hour looking for the right postcard to send, looking for the mountain's view which was in some way the closest to Brokeback. He wanted to know if Ennis would agree to meet him in September. He had another show planned then near Buffalo, so he would be 'in the area'. Jack's heart had broken though, when his postcard had returned undelivered after a month. But he had known it made sense. Ennis surely had other things to do than check the post office for mail, and he wasn't settled there long enough for the postman to recognize the name and deliver it anyway. So Jack had bought and sent the same postcard again.

He'd decided by then that should he find Ennis, he would be happy enough with just talking; 'cause in the end, Ennis as a friend was surely better than no Ennis at all. Jack needed Ennis back in his life, any way possible. He hadn't been able to forget their summer on Brokeback, not while rodeoing, not after getting married, not after becoming a father. He hadn't felt so free to be himself, so connected to anyone since then. Lureen sure was a beautiful, witty, funny, generally good-tempered wife, but he couldn't help but feel he couldn't really 'open up' to her.

And, of course, he missed something else. Something Lureen would never be able to give him. Something he had tried to find occasionnally during his rodeo days, before Lureen, but had never exactly found — and he had realized too well the reason why. Something he knew _Ennis_ could give him.

So who was he kidding... Of course Jack wanted more than Ennis's friendship. Since Brokeback, day and night, every moment he was alone, Ennis was all Jack could think about, dream about. But now that he was getting so close, Jack was afraid to get too hurt if he allowed himself to begin to believe that all his foolish dreams of the last 4 years could turn into reality. Ennis hadn't come back to Signal for the summer of '64 after all. And though Jack told himself from time to time that Aguirre probably wouldn't have told him anyway if he had, he knew the odds of this being the case were not really high.

So Jack had been totally blown away by Ennis's answer when it had arrived: YOU BET. That sounded quite enthusiastic, didn't it? Surely coming from someone as quiet as Ennis.

So now, in his truck, nearing Riverton, Jack was, of course, hoping for more. Concentrating on his work the last two days at the show had been really difficult. And now, in his truck, Jack couldn't help but remember the summer of '63. The summer that had changed his life. The summer he had fallen in love.


	2. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1: SWEET MEMORIES OF '63**

**JACK POV**

Jack had never been with a man before Ennis. He'd known for years already, though, that it was what he wanted, what he needed, deep inside.

Jack had just turned 14. It was a full-moon summer night and he had had another fight with his father — which, as always, had ended ended up with him hurt and needing to lick his wounds. He had escaped, as he often did, to the safety of the barn's hayloft to cry his pain out after having left a note to his mom saying he was going to a friend's in order not to worry her, still not able to understand why his father just couldn't or wouldn't love him.

He couldn't remember how long he had stayed there, but night had fallen, and when the barn's door had opened, Jack had thought it was his father coming to look for him and he had just crawled as far as possible into the shadows, hiding behind some old crates.

But it hadn't been his father. He had heard soft voices, and murmurs. When he'd dared to take a look, he had been shell-shocked. There were Roy and Gary, the two ranch hands his father had hired for the summer to help repaint all the fences. They were supposed to be cousins, but Jack had realized then that this was very unlikely 'cause they were, well, busy. And Jack had been hard and needy in no time, though he hadn't made a move or a noise, not wanting to be spotted. And the look of pure, intense pleasure on Gary's face while urging Roy on had made Jack envious. And Roy had been in his dreams for years after that.

At 17, Jack had gotten 'seriously' involved with Meg, the gentle daughter of one of his father's acquaintances. It had felt sweet and nice, and it had seemed like it was what everyone was expecting to happen, but Jack was still dreaming of Roy, and not of Meg. And when Meg had had to move to a far-away city with her parents the year after, when they had had to sell the ranch and move in order to take care of Meg's grandmother who had just become a widow and couldn't leave the city because of her health, Jack had felt guilty because he had realized that he didn't feel as bad as he ought to, as bad as Meg had felt. His mother, seeing him feeling bad and misunderstanding the reason, had talked him into applying for a summer job, which she was sure would change his mind and "Make that sweet smile return to his face".

Jack had been happy to have an excuse to leave. And he had loved working on Brokeback. Aguirre had turned out to be quite an asshole, and it hadn't been easy work all the time, surely not when the lightning had killed those poor 42 sheep. But Jack was used to hard work at his father's ranch and he was used to taking more shit from his father than anything Aguirre could ever ask or say to him, so there had been nothing he hadn't been able to manage.

And above all, Jack had loved the freedom, and the peace. And John, his partner, had been fun. They had killed their shared time playing cards, racing, swimming, making stupid jokes and talking dirty about the ladies: Mary, the one John was going to wed — hot like a volcano, at least if you were to believe all that John said — and the gorgeous nameless one Jack would meet one day, "Who would replace Meg in his heart", as John had said. But Jack hadn't been dreaming about Meg, or about any other hypothetic gorgeous girl. And he hadn't been dreaming about John either. He had still been dreaming about Roy. The summer had passed too quickly, and Jack had known the moment he had gotten back home that he would try to get back on Brokeback the next year.

He had been drawn to Ennis right away.

When Jack had gotten out of his old pick-up, he had expected a laugh, or a joke about his piece of antiquity miraculously making it as far as there. But there had only been silence. Ennis was all closed up in himself, not even giving Jack a "Hello" or any kind of greetings, not even taking a look at him — thinking of him surely as a threat for the job: after all, Aguirre could have already found one or two ranch hands for the summer.

_Ok boy, if you don't wanna talk, then I don't wanna talk. Let's both pretend we're not here, huh._

So Jack's first thought had been that Ennis was kind of an asshole. But then he had _seen_. One glimpse of that face and that look under the hat; not more than a second, but that had been enough. He had felt stunned. And thrilled; nearly nervous... but in a good way. And Ennis not really paying him any kind of attention hadn't really mattered anymore, 'cause Jack had felt free to watch Ennis as long as he wanted, as long as he... needed. Which had felt odd, 'cause Jack was usually attracted by dark-haired men, like Roy, and he had never taken a second look at a blond guy 'till then. But there was something about Ennis that Jack just couldn't deny.

So they had stayed there for nearly an hour, not exchanging one damn word, waiting for Aguirre to arrive. Ennis was nothing like John. Or like anyone Jack knew, to tell it all. Ennis looked like he wouldn't notice — and care even less — if the world stopped or the sky fell. He was just there, but not there, fully present but completely absent at the same time.

After a while, Ennis's silence hadn't felt uncomfortable anymore. Actually, in a strange way, it had been a silence Jack had felt blessed to share... And stealing glances at Ennis every now and then had surely been an interesting way to kill the time.

And the first time Ennis had talked, letting his name out in pieces as if his words were just as rare as diamonds, Jack had understood. Ennis just didn't talk. It was not that he felt superior, or that he was too shy; it was just as though Ennis didn't _know_ how to talk. And that hadn't mattered, 'cause Jack knew he could talk enough for two, no sweat. So he had, Ennis just talking a few words when answering a question. Jack's heart had leaped a beat at the obviously practised humour about his parents' death — "There was one curve in the road in 43 miles, and they missed it." Because Jack had heard, still coming through it, some of the hurt Ennis must have felt as a kid. And Jack had realized that Ennis looked pretty tough, but he was ready to bet he had a tender heart underneath.

And Jack had gotten really curious. He had wanted to find out all the things that Ennis kept locked up, there in his mind, 'cause he had been sure they were as damn interesting and beautiful as the boy listening to his rambling all evening. 'Cause yes, Ennis was more than handsome; he was astonishing, and truly beautiful. Long lean body, sharp — but not too sharp — features, thin lips, curly dark-gold locks, and those wonderful amber eyes which had the power to silently whisper so many untold stories and in which Jack had lost himself.

And Jack had known he was in trouble right that first night, 'cause when he had awoken suddenly, breathing hard at 2' in the morning in his pick-up, he hadn't been dreaming about Roy. He had been dreaming about Ennis.

Ennis, who had accepted his invitation when they had left the bar, because sleeping sitting in a pick-up was better than the only alternative Jack had known he had — sleeping outside. Ennis, now deep asleep on the passenger seat next to him, leaning against the window, half his face lost in shadows. Ennis, to whom Jack was feeling pulled as though he was nothing more than a puppet whose strings were in Ennis's power, 'cause Jack couldn't help but _need_ to look at the place at the back of Ennis's neck where the first golden curls began, and Jack's hand felt tingly, wanting to wander just there.

Ennis, who suddenly shifted in his sleep, letting out a short little sleepy moan which zinged right through Jack's nervous system. Ennis, whose face was now completely lit by the moonlight. Ennis, even more beautiful now, if possible; not hiding — neither under his hat nor his well-built, thick, inner walls — and completely relaxed, peaceful, looking younger and sort of easier to reach. And Jack had watched silently, not daring to move in case that would break the spell, until he had dozed off to sleep again, Ennis's slow regular breathing working on him like a lullaby.

So the next day, when they had prepared to leave for the mountain, Jack had wanted to show off, choosing the most impossible mare to ride in a foolish hope to impress Ennis in any way. But he had been the one impressed, 'cause when Ennis had gotten on his horse, it had been plain to see just how well he could ride. Ennis was one with his horse, as though he was born in the saddle. And Jack had realized quickly that he'd better have Ennis bring up the rear, keeping an eye on the sheep, because if he was the one behind, he couldn't help being drawn by Ennis's hips, and the damn wonderful way they were moving, which was just far too disturbing.

And of course, he had dreamt about Ennis each night afterwards.

Gentle dreams, of Ennis's relaxed, perfect features while sleeping next to him in his pick-up, of Ennis's rare talking — or better said half intelligible mumbling —, of Ennis's even more rare half-side grin, of Ennis's slow walking, his head usually down, of Ennis's whiskey eyes lost on something Jack couldn't see, and wanted to see; dreams from which Jack always awoke all warm inside and somehow a little satisfied.

And hot dreams, a lot, of Ennis's strong hands, of Ennis's firm, thin mouth, and of Ennis's damn magical, hypnotical hips; dreams from which Jack always woke breathless, hard and needing to take care of himself, one way or another.

And Jack had been getting each day angrier at Aguirre and his new idea of having the two of them apart. Until one day, coming back to camp angry too at himself 'cause his mare had thrown him on the way, while he had been — as often — daydreaming about Ennis, it had just come out. Of course, Ennis, always so dutiful, had then said he wouldn't mind switching; not realizing that Jack was not complaining about the work but about them being apart.

But Jack had agreed, thinking that switching their jobs, after all, would be for the best, because watching the sheep all day and a good part of the night and letting his mare find the usual way back to camp was leaving way too much time free to think, huh. Actually, Jack had hoped that being responsible for the camp would occupy his mind with something other than those damn thoughts about Ennis. 'Cause they were driving him crazy... Ennis, the perfect cowboy: withdrawn, looking at everything through his imperturbable gaze from under that damn hat, never uttering a sound except for his so-rare and no-bullshit talking, exceptionally skilled rider, never missing a shot either; and of course, sexy as Hell. It felt just as though he had been ripped out from some movie screen and brought here only for Jack's bliss — or torment.

But being at camp turned out to be just as bad, if not worse. Except for the Friday trip down to get the food and other stuff they needed, there wasn't that much mentally-challenging work to be done, nor good long jobs even, other than looking for and chopping some wood for the fire. 'Cooking' and cleaning the dishes didn't take that much time either. And there were some of Ennis's things all around, which made the waiting all day just unbearable.

Jack had found Ennis's unfinished woodwork in the tent, and had looked at it minutely, holding it carefully in his hands for what may have been hours. It had been Ennis's way to pass the time and seeing it felt like sharing some little secret, some intimacy. And of course, there were the damn clothes. Ennis sure hadn't brought many of them, but for Jack, they just seemed to be everywhere, tempting him with Ennis's form and Ennis's scent all day long. And to make it better — or worse — there was the damn 'laundry' duty. Jack's hands had been shaking the first time he had had to wash one of Ennis shirts. And undershirts. And one pair of jeans.

Jack had been so hard afterwards; that day, he had decided that being at camp was _definitely_ worse than keeping the sheep. He had collected and chopped enough wood for two whole weeks, trying to focus his mind on something else. He could still remember Ennis's quizzical look at all the kindling when he had arrived that evening, 'cause they were supposed to move the camp soon anyway. But Ennis being Ennis, of course, he hadn't asked anything; and that had been just fine, 'cause Jack sure wouldn't have known what to say.

And Jack had had each day more and more to fuel his dreams, waking or sleeping.

Jack had first been surprised when Ennis, after the bear incident, had finally agreed to shoot an elk instead of sticking with beans — which of course had been his first plan, always stubbornly following the rules as he was. Then, long days later, Jack had felt a smile come to his lips the first time Ennis had _finally_ actually _talked_ to him about something other than the job, and just listening to his voice had melted something inside him.

"Hell, that's the most I've spoken in a year".

Jack had felt special then, 'cause that meant Ennis didn't talk to anyone like that. Not even to Alma, his bride to be.

Jack had felt so high he had jumped on the first occasion he had had to act silly, rodeoing around like he used to do as a kid, and Ennis had _smiled_. Not the already so rare half-grin, but a mind-blowing, full, not-seen-till-then, real fucking smile. And Jack was ready to bet that smile had played a huge role in him stumbling to the floor right then. But being ridiculous hadn't mattered, 'cause Ennis had laughed; yes, _laughed_, and that had been worth it all, huh.

And later that night, Ennis had even made his first joke about Jack's lack of musical talent. After that, Jack couldn't help but make a fool of himself and play his harmonica every evening after supper, just to see Ennis shake his head and let out an exaggerated sigh; or, if Jack was very lucky, even glance upwards while smiling his real smile, the one that made his eyes shone. The one that always went right through Jack's spine.

And Jack was pretty sure he had intercepted quick and careful glances too, those last few days, when Ennis had thought Jack wasn't looking. And Ennis had never mentioned Alma again after their first morning talk at camp. He sure wasn't talking about her as much as John had talked about his precious sweet Mary. More important, after they had moved the camp, Ennis had said he wanted the tent to be 'right', though he wasn't sleeping in it anymore, and Jack had felt warmth spread inside each fiber of his body at the little remark.

And this very evening, Jack had felt hope, when Ennis had trusted him enough to admit to his virginity, something Jack knew boys their age just never did, giving him then a look that had left Jack wondering if Ennis had let slip maybe more than he had wanted to, while Jack had just been joking around; it hadn't been a question at all...

But Hell, Ennis hunting could also simply be thanked on Ennis's stomach. And Ennis opening up could be due to the fact that they were, after all, all alone up here, and not to the fact that Jack was special in any way. And Ennis being a damn perfectionist, him wanting the tent not to crumble down on Jack could also have nothing to do with Jack at all. And of course, Ennis was engaged, so those little glimpses from under Ennis's hat could all have been wishful thinking. And Ennis not talking to him about Alma could just be because Ennis, surely a real gentleman, wouldn't joke about his girl in any way with anyone. And Ennis's trust could be just thanked on Ennis's honesty, or on Ennis's inner strength, 'cause it seemed to Jack that Ennis was a man who stood his ground and just never cared about what the world might think. It was excruciating, those pros and cons constantly playing against each other in his mind.

But that night, their first night, the opportunity had presented itself. Ennis had been very, very drunk, and very, very asleep right behind him, and Jack just hadn't been able to resist. And it had turned out quick, raw, and somewhat painful, but it couldn't have been any other way. Jack had known it would be this way, and that had even been the best case scenario in his mind — 'cause Ennis could also just have gotten mad and punched him as hard as his father usually did when he felt he deserved 'a good correction'...

Jack had been laying in the tent for quite some time. He hadn't been able to fall asleep, knowing Ennis was so close, just out there, and knowing he would at some point freeze his ass off and wouldn't be able to refuse Jack telling him once more to get in the tent. When Ennis had finally come in to escape the cold, Jack had stubbornly stayed in his usual place, not moving too much to the side, and Ennis had had to lay right next to him. And Jack had finally fallen asleep, a smile on his lips. But Ennis's slow breathing and Ennis's warm body so close... after about a month of only dreams... it had been too much. Jack had awoken very hard, and he had wanted to feel Ennis's warmth against him; nothing much, Ennis's hand on his jeans would be enough. For a change, huh. Ennis wouldn't wake up, he wouldn't even notice, he was far too drunk.

And with that belief, Jack got on with it. And it had been heaven, for about three seconds and a half; Ennis all wrapped up against him, feeling kind of hard too against his lower back, their joined hands warm against his denims.

But of course, Jack hadn't been able to relish on it too long, 'cause Ennis had awoken and had tried first to rush away. Jack's mind had let him see then that there were only two options left. And as far as he had come, it was worth the risk. After all, Ennis hadn't punched him yet, so... And Ennis had been drinking far more than his usual... Maybe there was a reason, even unconscious, hidden behind? Door no.1: Ennis would push him away. Jack could always take the punches and blame it all on the booze and a stupid dream about Meg tomorrow — after all, he had been drinking a bit too much too. Door no.2: Ennis wouldn't push him away... Jack hadn't allowed himself to dream too much on that one. But he had known then that he should lead it all on quickly, 'cause he shouldn't let Ennis think too much about what was going on if he wanted anything to happen.

So Jack had taken Ennis's hand and had placed it back on his crotch. And Jack had known his hopes had been right, and that it was definitely 'Door no.2', because Ennis had watched him through very puzzled, drunken, eyes but hadn't pulled his hand away again, and had only retorted with a muttered "What are you doing?" — as if it wasn't obvious enough — and not with any angry or fearful words.

But then Ennis had kept on refusing his kiss, and Jack had felt panic spread through him, until he had realized that Ennis wasn't pushing him away either; that Ennis was more like keeping him at bay until he could decide whether to follow his mind or his needs. Jack, seeing this internal battle in Ennis's eyes, had played his last card, opening his belt and unzipping his pants. And that sound had been the right trigger. When Ennis had pushed him down, Jack had taken Ennis down on him too, letting him know with that last touch that he was ready to offer himself to whatever altar Ennis wanted to bring him to, any possible pain be damned. Jack had guessed from Ennis's reactions that if they didn't go through it here and now, Ennis would never give them a second chance. And Jack had been physically hurt a bit, but that hadn't mattered, 'cause he had felt right, and high — Ennis's groan as he came deep inside him more than enough to push him over the edge, you bet — and _whole_, at last.

But this feeling hadn't stayed long. When he had awoken the next morning, he'd heard Ennis preparing a very quick and silent exit from the camp. Jack had hurried out of the tent, just in time to see Ennis get on his horse and ride away, avoiding Jack's gaze and not answering Jack's hopeful "See you for supper". And Jack had felt utterly broken, in his body, in his soul, in his heart. To make it worse, it had been 'laundry day'. He had kept Ennis's shirt close for longer than usual before starting to wash it, and had wondered how he kept from breaking down just right then.

Of course, when supper time had come, Ennis hadn't showed up. So Jack had decided to go up there, bringing some food along as an excuse for coming, and confront whatever Ennis had to say. When Ennis had finally come to sit near him — but not near enough to be a good sign — and had said that it was a "One-shot thing", and that he was "No queer", Jack had realized Ennis's anger and uncertainty were in fact directed inwards, and not towards him. And Jack had realized, too, how wrong he had been, thinking that Ennis didn't care about what the world might think, 'cause Ennis surely gave a damn about how the world was supposed to turn. And that surely excluded whatever had happened last night between them.

So Jack had said he wasn't queer either, 'cause it seemed to be what Ennis wanted to hear: some guarantee. He hadn't really minded that he was lying about himself; he needed Ennis back to his usual self. If things weren't supposed to move forward, so be it, but he wouldn't be able to survive without Ennis's friendship for the months to come. They had gotten so close in so many ways; Jack had never felt such a bond with anyone.

Not another word, though, had been exchanged for a long time. Then Ennis had been silent while eating too. Jack had tried talking about little normal things, but Ennis's only answers had been little grunts or "Mmm". And Ennis hadn't looked at him even once. Jack then had felt too bad to continue pretending things were all right, had uttered a hushed "See you for breakfast" while trying to look tired, had saddled his mare and had escaped quickly back to the camp.

The second day and evening had gone the same way, though Ennis had gone back to coming to camp to eat. But his cold, hurting silence drove Jack mad even as he cursed himself for having destroyed whatever had grown between them in a single, foolish, feverish moment.

Ennis was engaged; Jack should have known better. Ennis was now even more shut-down than when they had met. Highly symbolically, he had even gone behind the tent to wash up and change in his now dry, clean clothes while Jack had been cooking.

That had never happened before. Jack had always washed privately — just the _idea_ of Ennis's eyes accidentally falling on him then more than enough to make too evident what he tried so bad to hide, huh. But Ennis, from the first day they had switched, had found it no problem at all to wash just where the water was. It made some sense; after all, he had probably grown up sharing both bathroom and bedroom with his brother, so Jack had guessed that for Ennis, being naked in front of him probably meant nothing more than that — even though for Jack it had felt daily like pure, innocent torture. But now that it would mean something else, well... just like Adam and Eve, it seemed Ennis had discovered that he was naked and had to hide, huh. And, well, that said enough, unfortunately...

They ate, the silence between them not easy and peaceful anymore, but heavy and tensed. Jack had even tried playing on his harmonica to lighten up the mood, but it had been in vain. And he'd given up then, retreating quickly to the tent, sure Ennis would leave to the sheep the moment he got in, wishing Ennis under his breath a nice night with them, the dogs and the coyotes as only company, in that damn smelly shroud up there which surely didn't deserve the name of tent.

But Ennis hadn't moved. He had just stayed sitting by the fire. Jack had stolen a few quick glances and had gotten worried. Ennis didn't look sad. Ennis didn't look hurt.

It was worse: Ennis looked lost.

Time had passed, and night had fallen, but Ennis had still been sitting by the fire, his eyes hypnotised by the flames, his only movements being to throw some extra wood in it from time to time to make it last. It was too late now for Ennis to go back to the sheep, and Jack knew Ennis knew it too. So now, Jack was getting... hopeful. Ennis would be sleeping at the camp. Only question being would it be outside or inside the tent, which they both knew was only rhetorical, 'cause at some point Ennis would have to get in the tent to escape the cold. Jack then thought maybe Ennis was just waiting long enough to be sure it would be 'safe', to be sure Jack would be deep asleep when he would have to get in the tent. Maybe Ennis had just been too lost in thoughts to realize the night was coming, and now he felt 'trapped'...

_He can't be AFRAID of me, right?_

God, they would both then have no sleep tonight, 'cause Jack knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep, knowing that Ennis would have to come and lay close to him, even if just laying was all he was gonna get. Jack started to wonder if he should then maybe just pretend to be asleep; at least the waiting would stop and he would be granted Ennis's presence next to him.

But suddenly Jack could have sworn he had intercepted a quick side-glance towards the tent, which had made his heart miss a few beats, 'cause it was not a fearful glance at all. And, indeed, a few moments later there had definitely been another one, and Jack's heart had started racing. And had been racing for some time now, while counting those quick side-glances as they kept happening. The pounding in his chest was getting painful.

Those burning little glances... It couldn't mean anything else than Ennis finally admitting to himself that he actually wanted to get in the tent, while Jack was still awake, right? So why wasn't he coming? Now Jack was the one lost. Until something clicked in his brain.

Could it be that Ennis was no longer hesitating because he wasn't sure about who he was or what he wanted, but instead because he'd believed Jack when he'd said he wasn't queer either? So Ennis probably believed that Jack was just as disgusted as Ennis thought he 'ought to be' about what had happened. Could it be that Ennis thought that Jack regretted what had happened, even though Jack had been the one starting it all?

Or maybe some misplaced guilt; Ennis was always so 'in control', he probably felt that he should have been strong enough to resist both their urges instead of getting lost in the moment, no matter how drunk they had been. Now that he thought of it, Jack had actually noticed a few times, these last days, Ennis kind of oddly checking him out as he walked... Remembering how harshly he had been thrusting into Jack — like a madman — could he be thinking that Jack might be bruised? Ennis had no clue about Jack's little habits since he had seen Roy and Gary together years ago, which had surely played their role in him enjoying it all anyway after that initial painful thrust.

So then Jack had wanted to make an opening, just in case. He had started moving around in the tent, sitting as if he needed to take something from his bag, laying down, sitting again in order to put the item back in his bag after all, folding and unfolding blankets and clothes, lying down again, to let Ennis see he wasn't sleeping either; to let Ennis see he was waiting — waiting for him. But that hadn't worked. So after a while, Jack had taken his shirt off and had laid down in front of the tent's entry so that Ennis couldn't miss his bare chest as an open invitation. The night had turned fresh already, and they always had to sleep with their jackets on. So Ennis couldn't misunderstand this as Jack trying to get sun-tanned, right? But Ennis had continued sitting by the fire, and Jack had wondered if he should, in one last desperate attempt, take his jeans off too, the ridiculous thought bringing a smile to his lips.

_Would that be a message clear enough to get through that stubborn thick brain out there?_

But suddenly — finally! — and thankfully, 'cause Jack hadn't really felt like literally freezing his ass off, Jack had heard Ennis's footsteps coming closer. And Ennis had knelt, just in front of him. Hat in his hands, head down, looking shyly to Jack and then away; not saying a damn word, just staying there, waiting, asking Jack without words if it was ok for him to be there, if it was ok for him to even want to be there. Jack just couldn't believe what was happening... Ennis was courting. Ennis, always so strong, so sure of himself... now looking so unsure, and, yes, needy. Ennis was just breathtaking in his vulnerability.

Jack's heart had melted quicker than a snowman in the summer sun. And when Jack had thrown the hat away, Ennis hadn't protested, though his amber eyes had been again unable to look at Jack's.

And when Jack had let his hand slide onto Ennis's face, Ennis hadn't rebuked him this time. And when Jack had drawn him nearer for a kiss, Ennis had resisted for only an instant before bringing his own soft lips down on Jack's. And there had been bliss, as Jack had finally been granted the taste he had been longing for for nearly a month now, the taste he had been needing even more for the past two days, since their first night. Their first kiss. All shy and sweet and soft, full of tender promises.

When their lips had parted, Jack had said he was sorry. It had never really occurred to him that this should have been Ennis's line for the way he had acted the morning after their first night. Jack was the one who was sorry. Sorry for messing with Ennis's mind, with Ennis's so well-planned life, sorry for the hurt he could still see in Ennis's eyes and which clawed at his own heart. And he had said it was all right, everything that had happened, and whatever would happen if Ennis wanted him, 'cause he wanted Ennis too.

And then Ennis had allowed Jack to take him down onto him, and nothing had mattered anymore. They were together, and the whole world could crumble and Jack wouldn't even notice, 'cause Ennis was finally surrendering to himself, his inner walls crashing down silently — except that Jack could hear them fall. So when Ennis had lightly roamed his hand along Jack's neck, and then on Jack's chest, and when Jack had heard Ennis nearly moan, he had sworn to himself that he would take gentle care of the fallen angel in his arms.

When he had rolled himself on top of Ennis and their lips had connected again, more fiercely but still softly, Jack had felt whole again. And hungry. He'd then been allowed to take off all the clothes which were in his way as he tried out on Ennis nearly every kiss or touch or lick that he had ever wanted to. And with Ennis moaning and panting and shivering under him, Jack had felt his heart burn. And when Ennis had rolled them around until he was again on top, and had started to let his hands and mouth wander and roam all over Jack's face, shoulders, arms, neck and chest, not looking for a quick release like on their first night, but wanting to learn, too, each of Jack's sensitive spots, following Jack's "There, yes, Ennis, there" and any other half intelligible indications Jack hadn't been able to stop while his breathing had turned heavy, Jack had felt his heart melt and burn and melt and burn.

Ennis's kisses had been sweet and shy, never getting lower than Jack's waist, but insistent; and Jack had felt so cared for that he could have cried. And when Ennis had started to stroke him through his jeans, Jack had been the one then urging Ennis on, opening and pushing his own pants down and off with his legs, wanting to feel Ennis's strong hand on his cock so desperately. Ennis's strong hand, so many times imagined while he had been taking care of himself. Ennis's strong hand, at last, and not his own anymore. As Ennis had started to suck on his earlobe following the rhythm of his hand, Jack had thought he was going to lose it, and had asked for mercy, because Ennis had asked for mercy too, just a moment ago, and Jack hadn't wanted to confront Ennis with something he hadn't wanted for himself first.

So Jack had rolled on his belly, hoping this would be enough to make Ennis understand that he needed more, and that he needed more now. But Jack had got even better than what he had been hoping for, as Ennis had started to rain kisses all over his back while drawing strange patterns with his hands on his sides. And Jack had discovered then that his back was way more sensitive that he'd have thought a back ought to be, and had been panting and shivering and, yes, begging as he had pressed himself against Ennis, until Ennis hadn't been able to delay both their releases anymore, and had entered him in one long, firm thrust, hands gripping Jack's hips hard until he was entirely settled, then waiting a moment this time for Jack to adjust.

Jack had been rewarded for relaxing as Ennis's damn magical hips had started to move; and then Jack's mind had gone blank, 'cause Ennis had found that spot deep inside which Jack had known existed but hadn't known to be _that_ sensitive until now, and had found it again, and again, and soon Jack had been thrusting back, following Ennis's rhythm as it had gotten harder and harder, until the wave had rocked him, bringing Ennis at his rupture point too just after.

Jack had then asked Ennis to stay on him for a while after, just relishing the moment, listening to their joined heartbeats and their breathing calming down. Ennis's arms had come to rest against his at his sides, and Ennis had fallen asleep on top of him, and Jack had realized right then that what he had thought for some time now was true: he was in love. This was not a crush. This was not an infatuation. This was the real thing.

The first thing he had seen the morning after as he woke up had been Ennis's eyes fixed on his. Ennis, already fully clothed, but still here.

"Breakfast is ready. See you for supper."

Then Ennis had gone out of the tent and up to the sheep. But Ennis had waited for Jack to wake up before leaving, and that had made all the difference.

After that night, the "thing" between them, as Ennis had called it once, was a fact both of them couldn't deny, and they had sort of wordlessly agreed to a new routine. Ennis had insisted on continuing to sleep with the sheep, as they were paid to do. Jack had known it was because Ennis just wouldn't forgive himself if a coyote happened to kill another sheep while they were enjoying each other, as he knew had been the case their first night from the bloody carcass he had seen, so he hadn't argued the point. But Ennis had started to stay longer at the camp for breakfast and supper. Or Jack would ride up to the sheep with Ennis after breakfast and stay there a few hours before getting back to take care, as quickly as he could, of the necessary camp business before Ennis got down for supper and stayed at the camp until he couldn't pretend anymore that the night wasn't approaching quickly and that he ought to go back to the sheep.

There had always been, during those happy days, a lot of talking, a lot of playful wrestling, and a lot of lovemaking. In which order those three things would happen could vary, but they would keep happening each day. Several times. The rules, however, had rarely changed. Jack would be the one usually talking, though Ennis had been opening up a bit more with each day. Jack would usually be the one initiating any physical contact, but Ennis would always take the lead at some point. Ennis would usually be the one starting their play of 'catch me if you can', and Jack would often end up letting Alpha Ennis catch him and win, just because losing this game had always been, for Jack, a reward, as he always got to see Ennis's half-side victorious grin and Ennis's eyes shining. And regularly, if Jack just suddenly stopped laughing and stayed very, very quiet under him, it would get even better; Ennis's joyful, playful eyes darkening with hunger and Ennis's mouth attacking his with renewed need. And their clothes would be off in no time.

Jack remembered perfectly one very hot late afternoon, when they had been talking for what could have been hours, and when Jack, for a change, hadn't been the only one to talk. Ennis had been mentioning how Cigar Butt reminded him of his first horse, at his parents' ranch. Of course, the horse had been sold along with the ranch after his parents' death. And Jack had known Ennis must have felt awful about it, 'cause Ennis just loved horses. Jack had seen him often whispering to Cigar Butt, and even to his mare, even once catching, on the first week they had been working together, a "Little darling" which had made his heart clench, 'cause it had been sweet to discover that his first impressions in the bar had been right, that Ennis actually had a really tender side, somewhere deep under his closed-up appearance. And Jack sure had wanted to find out all about this tender side for himself.

Jack must have been smiling his goofy smile then, remembering all this while listening to Ennis, 'cause Ennis had stopped talking and had asked again "What?", in the same cute way he had the first time he had surprised Jack by actually uttering more than five words in a row. And Jack had felt all warm inside again, just like he had then. Of course, he couldn't say to Ennis that he found him 'cute', so he had just replied "Nothing" and had changed the subject, complaining about the afternoon being too hot, and that they should take a swim in the cold river they knew was not so far from the camp, 'cause they had seen it on their way up. And Ennis had agreed.

But as soon as they had been near the water, Jack, though. had changed his mind and had pushed Ennis down and crawled up on him hungrily.

"Thought you wanted to swim," Ennis had said, chuckling.

"First things first, Cowboy." He winked. "All those clothes have to get off." He dropped a kiss. "Plenty of time for swimming." And another. "Later."

Ennis sure hadn't argued and had even rolled on top. And some moments later, Jack had felt whole, on his knees, half sitting back in Ennis's lap, Ennis's lips on his neck and back, Ennis's left arm hooked under his, hand clutching his shoulder from the front, keeping him firmly in place, Ennis's right hand sliding up and down his cock and, as ever the best part, Ennis's cock deep inside him. And Jack had soon been shouting Ennis's name.

But that hadn't even been the best part of the day. After recovering, they had gone swimming for a while, 'cause the water had turned out to be not as cold as they had thought it would be. The river being nowhere deeper than their waist, though, it had quickly turned into their usual catch-me game; except that it was in the water and not on the grass, so there had been no rolling on each other. At some point, Ennis had grabbed Jack by the wrist and brought him close, whispering "Come here" in that damn tone that always made Jack shiver, holding him captive in his arms as he had claimed Jack's lips. And it had been sweet. So sweet that Jack had let out without second thought that swimming with Ennis was by far nicer than swimming with John.

"You used to swim with John?"

Ennis's eyes had darkened for an instant, and Jack had been shocked as he had realized that Ennis was feeling _jealous_. Jack had mentioned John a few times before — even during their first talk at the bar — but it had always been about the job. Jack, however, could perfectly sense now how him swimming with John meant for Ennis the both of them naked, and with Jack starting 'the thing' between them and always being so eager for Ennis's attentions, it made sense that, in Ennis's mind, him swimming with John might not seem as innocent as it had been in reality.

Jack could have laughed, because he felt stupidly happy that Ennis was feeling jealous. And because he surely couldn't imagine himself with John this way. But Jack hadn't laughed, because Ennis would have freaked out if he had realized he had been caught. So Jack, instead, had escaped Ennis's arms and had started to swim again towards the other side of the river, showing what it had been like, saying as matter of factly as he could that he hadn't been swimming 'with' John, but 'against' John, as they had used to race. First one to get on the other side. First one to get on the other side and back. Etc, etc. And when he had been swimming close to Ennis on his way back from his demonstration, Ennis had tried to catch him again playfully, and Jack had known Ennis had understood. But he had continued his explanation, needing to leave no doubt in Ennis's mind about how different last summer and this summer were, swimming in circles around Ennis.

"You would have loved John, Ennis. He could never keep quiet. And he just _never _could shut up. Even worse than me." Ennis had chuckled at that. "It was his third time here, and he was well prepared and knew damn well how to kill some time. He would have asked you to race, to dance and sing along, or to play cards, can you imagine, huh... You would have been seriously thinking about hanging yourself after a few days." Jack had been swimming too close then, and Ennis had grabbed him. "By the way, you know, he's the one you got to 'thank' for me bringing a harmonica this year. Though I have to recognize he had a lot more talent at it than poor me, huh." Ennis had grinned, pulling him closer. "Another funny thing is, I brought cards too this year. Seemed useful when I packed. But I can't think of any card game I'd want to play with you..."

And then Jack hadn't been able to stop his own laugh, 'cause he had gotten the silliest idea. "Except maybe strip-poker, but I don't really see the point, huh." Jack had stopped himself before spilling the rest of his thoughts out — _'cause our clothes always seem to get off of their own will anyway_ — but Ennis sure had heard it all 'cause he had been blushing, and Jack's breath had been stolen away.

"I mean, you know... you and I, we have our own special way to pass the time." This last bit had been hushed out and Jack had quickly claimed Ennis's mouth before he could protest or push him away for trespassing over the line by talking about 'the thing' between them. But Ennis had just held him closer, and had kissed him back, and everything had felt right in Jack's world.

They had had another precious night, the sky coming to Jack's help one evening as it had hailed hard enough to keep Ennis at camp. Not that Ennis had surrendered easily. He had opened the tent every ten minutes, an hour long, checking if the storm was lessening. And he had only talked about the coyotes, and about the sheep drifting, and about the coyotes again, and Jack had objected that the coyotes sure were hiding too for now, that Cigar Butt would not be really cooperative anyway about leaving the relative safety of the tree he was hiding under at the moment, and that they just couldn't lose a thousand sheep, that they would find them back if they ever drifted, that everything would be all right, 'cause it was blowing real hard, and it was quite dark, and it was pouring hail the size of coyotes' balls, but there was no lightning anywhere, thanks God.

But it hadn't helped. And Jack had, for the first time, actually played cards, 'cause there had been nothing else to do, not with Ennis being so edgy. Until night had fallen, and Ennis had been trapped, and had finally stopped complaining about his helplessness, and had just surrendered. The look on Ennis's face had been irresistible then, and Jack had claimed his mouth, saying he didn't want to hear any more about the damn sheep for now. The storm had stayed loud around them, but in the darkness of the tent and lost in each other, they had felt safe.

At least, Jack had felt safe. Safe enough to straddle himself on Ennis's hips. Safe enough to ask Ennis something that had been on his mind for days now.

"You know Ennis, we 'Rodeo-boys'," at this mention, Ennis had let out a short laugh, and Jack had smiled back, "We're known to have very strong thighs. And I have this theory that I'd like to check. You see, if the 'I'm the one in control' bull here," he poked Ennis in the chest, "Agreed to quiet down for a while, I think I could ride on him just fine."

It was dark, but not dark enough for Jack to miss the uneasiness in Ennis's eyes. But Jack had just put on his brightest smile, the one his mum never could resist, the one his mum always said would get him anywhere, while rubbing himself up and down, low on Ennis's belly, clenching his thighs on Ennis's sides, until Ennis had gasped.

"You gonna let the bull fight back?"

Jack's smile had grown wider, if possible, 'cause he had known then that Ennis would get along with it. And Jack had leaned conspiratorially on Ennis, trying to sound serious.

"I guess I owe the bull the usual eight seconds. But after that, the bull is all mine."

Jack had then started to count aloud, laughing some while clenching his thighs as he moved on Ennis. On "One" Ennis had laughed too. On "Four" Ennis had gasped again. On "Seven" Ennis had bucked up against Jack. On "Eight" Jack had caught Ennis's mouth for a deep kiss, and when they had parted, their eyes had met and Jack had asked "Deal?" with mischief in his eyes. Ennis's only answer had been silence, but Jack knew by now that that kind of silence was the "Yes" Ennis just couldn't say.

So there had been no words afterwards, but the clothes had come off quickly, and Jack had stroked Ennis while straddling him again, and had positioned him at his entrance. It hadn't been easy at first, and Jack had had to try different angles before finally doing it right and feeling Ennis fill him. And then Jack had started moving up and down and up and down, looking for the spot inside himself that craved Ennis's touch, and had found it, and they had started moaning and panting, Jack now pounding down on Ennis until he hadn't been able to resist anymore, had pushed himself up on his left arm, gripped around the back of Jack's waist with his right arm, and had bucked up, trying to get deeper than he had ever been, and Jack had then had to use the muscles of his thighs to hang on.

But the fact that Ennis was breaking the deal and taking control again hadn't mattered to Jack, because he had been granted then what he had wanted to see all along, what the game had all been about. Ennis's beautiful face. Ennis chewing on his lips, eyes squeezed shut, as Jack had known they would be, moaning, gasping, panting, his head rolling back, his mouth half open... And it hadn't mattered either that Ennis's eyes had stayed shut all the way through, 'cause Jack had known that Ennis wasn't denying who was driving him to the edge, as Ennis had nearly cried out his name three times at the end. And that surely was a record, because Ennis usually only let out one single whispered breathless "Jack", and usually sure wasn't shouting. And then right there had been Jack's reward: the look of pure rapture on Ennis's handsome face as he came, first for the second time. The most beautiful thing Jack had ever seen. Beautiful. And that had been Jack's undoing.

Recovering, Jack had laid himself down on Ennis, enjoying the slickness between them, somehow far more satisfying than the usual wetness of the blanket under him, and their breaths calming down.

"Now, you better watch out or I'll start calling you 'Rodeo' all the time, huh."

A playful whisper, and Jack had felt warm inside. Ennis had been his "Friend", then his "Cowboy" too, for weeks already, but for Ennis, Jack had always been simply "Jack", or on some very rare occasions "Bud", or "Friend"; so the idea of Ennis giving him a really personal nickname was just too sweet for words. Of course, as soon as the words echoed around them, the moment was gone, his own words surely sort of scaring his Cowboy, and Ennis had started to shift uneasily.

"So, sounds like the storm's finally stopped. How about a midnight wash, huh."

Ennis had stopped there, but Jack had heard all right what Ennis wasn't saying — "before we're glued together", or something in that trend, huh. And Jack had understood that Ennis still wasn't as comfortable about them as he had thought he finally was. Ennis was still in denial, somewhat. Ennis could kiss Jack's lips, Ennis could fuck Jack's ass, Ennis could even by now swallow Jack's cock, but Ennis couldn't bear Jack's semen on him for more than ten seconds. Ennis could get along with 'it' while lost in the moment, as long as there was no lasting proof of their intercourse that he would be confronted with. And that had hurt.

Jack had nearly retorted that there was nothing wrong in his point of view about being glued to Ennis, but he had stopped himself just in time. There was no real point in arguing, it would only make it worse. Jack had just answered in a low voice, trying to steal some extra time before finally, reluctantly, disentangling himself from Ennis.

"The water will be damn cold with all that just poured down."

Ennis must have felt that this had come hard on Jack, though, because he had let out quickly, though in an even lower voice: "I'll get you warm again".

Which, of course, he had. Gently laying Jack down and rolling them both together in the covers until they had stopped shivering from the cold, then kissing Jack deeply while slowly rubbing their lower bellies together until they had both started shivering from the burning in their veins. And then licking his way down under the covers and taking care of Jack for what could have been hours there, not making a quick job of it as usual, but bringing Jack that close to the edge, then going upwards to give Jack some time to calm down, then going down again, and again, and again. And Jack had understood that this was Ennis's apology. And the only thing Jack could do then was forgive.

Jack had awoken in the middle of the night and had felt good. While sleeping, Ennis had rolled close to his back and had thrown one arm around his waist. Protectively or possessively, Jack couldn't know. And Jack hadn't minded. He was all nicely wrapped up in Ennis's warm embrace, and it had felt right, just right. Jack had fallen back asleep with a big smile on his face.

It had taken a few days to find the sheep and sort them out, because they'd mixed with a Chilean herd during the storm. They'd started out doing the best they could to at least get the count right seeing as the old marks had worn off due to the rain, but Jack had known Aguirre would blame them for the storm, like he had the year before. And Jack had been pissed. And had wanted the world to know how pissed he was.

"Fuck Aguirre".

But then Ennis had let slip something he probably hadn't noticed, but which had stopped Jack's heart: "What if we need to work for him again? You think of that? We gotta stick this out, Jack".

And Jack hadn't complained about the sheep or about Aguirre anymore. Unconsciously, Ennis wanted to work with him again. Ennis didn't want 'this thing' to be over when the summer ended. And the following days had been long and tiring, but Jack had felt happy. And when they'd finally ridden back to camp together three days later, Ennis had looked at him with something like tenderness, which had totally melted Jack's heart, and had even joked... Jack's only thought had been that those few days had been a few _really_ perfect days.

A few days later, Ennis had surprised Jack one more time. He had come back to camp sooner than usual for supper, dismounting in a rush. Jack had gotten concerned and had been about to ask if something had happened with the sheep, but he had been cut off mid-sentence as Ennis had swept him into his arms and had kissed him hard, and deep, and Jack had been puzzled for an instant, 'cause this was usually his own game. He was the one always eager for it. Not that Ennis was reluctant to follow, surely not. But he usually had, let's say, more self-control. And when Ennis had released his lips to catch his breath and their eyes had met, Jack had been breathtaken and speechless. Ennis's eyes. Full of desire, possessiveness, and need; all three so intense it looked nearly painful. All for him. All because of him. No one had _ever_ looked at him like that. And Jack knew Ennis had never watched someone else like that either, not even Alma, or there would have been NO WAY that Ennis would still have been a virgin when coming up here.

And Jack's knees had turned into mush. And Jack's heart had melted all over again. And a fire had started burning bright somewhere deep in Jack's guts. And as Ennis had started pushing Jack towards the tent, still kissing him hungrily, Jack's only thought had been "Wow", 'cause he had known then that it would be really special. Ennis always just felt more free, more safe, when in the tent. So when Ennis had laid him down and had started lavishing kisses and caresses over his all body while undressing him, Jack had stopped questioning what was happening and had decided he should just enjoy the moment and save it all in his mind, 'cause he was sure this was going to be a very precious memory.

And when Ennis had asked him in a very low voice to keep his eyes shut, Jack had guessed what would follow, and had been all warmed up inside, 'cause Ennis was about to break down another wall, one that Jack had been longing to see fall for weeks. And keeping his eyes shut had turned out to be very hot too, each of Ennis's moves coming as a breathtaking surprise, and Jack had soon been very needy. And indeed, Ennis had stopped him when he had started to roll over. So Jack hadn't been able to watch back, but he sure had felt Ennis's burning gaze fixed on him as Ennis had entered him this way for the first time. And Jack had soon been unable to stop gasping, then moaning, then cursing, as each of Ennis's thrusts had brushed right there. And knowing that Ennis was just drinking in every gasp and moan he made had been a huge turn-on.

It had been slow, and long, Ennis keeping Jack's hips in place when he had first tried to thrust back to get the tempo higher. And Jack had just surrendered, 'cause being Ennis's willful captive had turned out to be tortuously sweet. And because Jack had realized that this position allowed him to let his hands run free over Ennis's back, and Ennis's ass, and Jack had loved the way he could feel the muscles move under his fingers as Ennis worked on him. Until it all had become too much, and Jack had grasped Ennis's butt and had brought it forcefully close, letting out a "More. Now. Please." which Ennis hadn't been able to refuse. And Ennis had just slightly changed his angle, and had rolled his hips that much forward, and had slid that much deeper, and they had gone wild, Ennis finally letting Jack thrust back as he pounded down on him. It had been hard to stay blind, but it had been heaven, and Jack had been chanting Ennis's name on and on and on, trying to hang on as long as he could, but feeling the wave coming quickly to take him over. And Ennis had then stopped Jack's chant by kissing him hard, and Jack's mind had gone blank.

They had crashed down together, and afterwards Ennis had stayed on Jack, just snuggling and nuzzling and nibbling at his neck in silence for a very long time, not seeming to mind, this time, the wetness between them, and Jack had felt just happy, feeling both their breathing slow down, letting his legs fall back to each side of Ennis, still keeping his eyes shut, until Ennis had finally rolled to lay quietly at Jack's side. And Jack had been the one to finally break the silence, smiling.

"You know Cowboy, you gotta tell me what I've done to deserve this, so I can do it again. And again. On a daily basis."

But Ennis hadn't smiled back. He had just said that they should clean up, get dressed, and cook. So they had. And the whole time Ennis had looked... tense. And thoughtful. And that, in general, was not a good sign. But he had been actually answering Jack's routine questions about how the day had been while eating — though in a voice which seemed to come from a world very, very far from where they sat — and he hadn't been totally avoiding Jack's eyes — though through unreadable eyes — and that, in general, was not a bad sign.

So when they were done cleaning the dishes, Jack had grasped Ennis and had brought him back into the tent, needing to get this strange tension out of Ennis's face and body language. He had crawled on Ennis, getting his shirt and undershirt up, his tongue following, licking his way up Ennis's torso. And it had worked, Ennis starting to shiver under him. And when they had been fully undressed, Jack had decided that he should earn his promised nickname and had straddled Ennis's hips again, hushing out breathlessly "Want you" while guiding Ennis's cock to his gate.

But Ennis had said "No", and Jack had frozen. 'Cause Ennis had never said no. He had wanted to ask Ennis what was wrong, but the words just hadn't come out, couldn't come out, and Jack had been sure he was looking really stupid, mouth and eyes wide open in shock... and fear. And then Ennis had breathed out "I mean...", in a voice that sounded painful — quickly, head turned to the side to avoid Jack's gaze, mouth twitching and seeming unable to finish the sentence, which wasn't necessary anyway 'cause Jack had understood the unspoken words: "_I_ want you".

Jack's mouth and eyes must have opened even wider in shock while Ennis had been chewing on his lips nervously, his whiskey eyes still unable to look at Jack. And Jack had just known that Ennis would never say it all, so he had softly asked: "You sure?"

Ennis's eyes had been pleading him to stop waiting for an answer and just get on with it, but Jack had kept waiting, 'cause he hadn't seen that one coming, and he wasn't going to rush in. Not that he hadn't thought about it a few times, but he had made his peace with the fact that it was just something which would not be happening before the turn of the next century, at least, and that it really didn't matter to him anyway. So now, Jack wanted to be sure that Ennis wanted it because he wanted it, and not because he thought he owed Jack something or any crap like that.

"You don't have to, you know."

Nothing but silence still. Then, after a while, Ennis had quickly let out his explanation, blushing, fixing his eyes again on the tent, on the covers, anywhere, as long as it wasn't on Jack, in a voice so low that Jack had had to focus hard to hear it.

"Been wondering for a while is all. And I saw you. You do seem to enjoy it, well, a lot."

Jack had released a breath he hadn't noticed he had been holding, and he had been ready to bet Ennis could hear the relieved and tender smile in his voice as he had whispered back, leaning down on Ennis again.

"A lot. You're damn right about that one, Cowboy."

He had attacked Ennis's mouth fiercely and had felt his Cowboy tense somewhat under him. So then he had kissed Ennis more gently, until Ennis had relaxed a bit once more. And Jack had searched and found Ennis's gaze, and had held it.

"Just promise me you'll ask me to stop if it's getting uncomfortable for you in any way. I swear Ennis, I won't mind."

Ennis, of course, hadn't answered one word. But the look in his eyes had been enough to melt Jack's heart once more. Pure trust. And Jack had decided that he would take all the time that would be necessary, because he just _had _to make it good to Ennis. Because Jack knew that he would want this to happen again, if only to see this look in Ennis's eyes again.

It had felt just as sweet as their second night. Ennis's walls were all gone, and all that was left was Ennis needing him. So Jack had first kept on just kissing Ennis gently, relishing on the rare fact that Ennis was actually letting him lead the kiss, that Ennis's hands were not coming up to keep his mouth at the angle Ennis seemed to like best but were starting lazy tiny circles on Jack's lower back. Jack had kissed Ennis hungrily but softly for a long time, until Ennis had started thrusting up against him.

Jack then had followed his usual path of kisses down Ennis's body, feeling Ennis entirely relax under the familiar touch, until it had all become too much, and Ennis had been all tensed again — but in a good way, this time. And when Jack had swallowed, he had known that Ennis was not thinking anymore about what was to come, at least not for now. And when Ennis, following their usual routine, had taken care of him in the same way, Jack had thanked thanked any god who might have been listening to the prayers he couldn't even properly form in his thoughts, 'cause the idea of what was maybe to come had made him so hard he had needed a release to re-focus.

Some time later, Jack had rolled back on top. And had kissed Ennis more hungrily now, while brushing their lower bellies greedily together, until Ennis had moaned. Then Jack had pushed himself on all fours, as Ennis always did, leaving some space between them so that Ennis could turn under him. And Ennis had seemed to freeze.

"Just want to touch your back, Ennis. Just your back."

Then Ennis had rolled over, granting Jack access to his back. His well-shaped, though not too muscular, freckled here and there, gorgeous bare back, which Jack had been able to see while 'swimming' or feel while 'wrestling', but had never been able to really touch until their sweet intercourse before supper. Strange as it might have seem, 'cause Jack's back hadn't had any secret from Ennis for weeks now, it had simply never happened.

So now, Jack had wanted to find out as much as possible about the very nice back exposed under him. And as he had started searching with his lips and tongue and hands for what Ennis liked, Ennis's back had felt strong, but had turned out to get very soft-skinned the lower Jack went. And very sensitive too, as Jack had hoped it would be, knowing his sure was.

Judging by Ennis's tiny noises, Jack had learned that Ennis really got turned-on if Jack let his hands travel firmly up and down his spine while kissing, licking and nibbling at the back of his neck — particularly at the base of his neck to be precise. Jack couldn't get enough of those little half-swallowed moans, and of the way Ennis angled his neck down to grant Jack access to as much flesh as possible up there.

At some point, Jack had started to let his hands wander lower before traveling back up again, and Ennis hadn't seemed to mind. So Jack had started then to massage Ennis's buttocks longer and longer, while keeping busy in Ennis's neck. When Ennis had let out a rasped "Jack", Jack had trailed up to whisper in his ear while nibbling hotly on his earlobe.

"There's a spot down inside Ennis, a spot you don't know about, and that, like you said, makes me enjoy it all a lot. I'd like to find it for you... Just a finger Ennis, I swear, nothing more if you don't like it."

Ennis hadn't answered, but he hadn't seemed to want Jack to stop either, 'cause he had been pushing his backside into Jack's hands, and Jack had known that was the 'yes' Ennis would never be able to utter. He had then moistened two of his fingers and had brought them slowly at Ennis's gate, the way he used to do for himself. He had gone back to ravishing Ennis's neck with his mouth, while just twirling his thumb around down there until he had felt Ennis relax some more. Then he had pushed one finger inside, slowly. Ennis had gone quieter, but still hadn't made like he wanted Jack to stop, so Jack went on, in and out, deeper each time. When Ennis had started again to moan, Jack's finger had started to move faster too, trying different angles, and Jack's tongue had licked its way across Ennis's jawline until it had found Ennis's mouth, and had plunged inside. Ennis had answered the kiss ardently, and Jack had then pushed a second finger inside, slowly again at first, then more quickly.

Jack had known when he had found it. Ennis had let out a muffled "Huh" into his mouth, and had gone completely still for a second. Jack had done his best to brush Ennis each time on the right spot, and Ennis had started to undulate under his touch. His fingers were going easily now in and out, even while he scissored them, so Jack went again to Ennis's ear and whispered feverishly "Ennis... Ennis?" — needing to ask, but without actually asking the question he didn't believe Ennis would be able to hear aloud.

Ennis's eyes had stayed squeezed shut, and only a kind of gurgle had escaped his throat, but he had pushed himself against Jack's hips, so Jack had brought them both up on all fours, placing himself between Ennis's knees. He had kept fingering Ennis with his right hand and had brought his left hand up and down and around Ennis's swollen cock, just a few strokes, but enough to make Ennis shiver and let out a gasped "God, Jack". Then Jack had brought his left hand close to his mouth and had let some saliva silently fall into his hand to mix with Ennis's precum, instinctively not wanting Ennis to hear him spit. He had coated himself, then had withdrawn his fingers. He had placed himself at Ennis's entrance and had pushed forward, feeling himself slide in inch by inch, pinning Ennis's hips in place, a rasped, low, long "Ja-a-ack" falling from Ennis's lips, not sounding as painful as Jack had feared it would. Jack had kept going slow and then had held still when he had been settled.

And then it all had dawned on him. He had been so focused on making Ennis comfortable that his own senses had been sort of subdued. But now, he was inside. Inside _Ennis_. For the first time. And it was so warm, and so tight, and oohhhh so good. Jack had felt grateful that he had build up some stamina this last month, 'cause he had been certain he would already have exploded otherwise. It was just... too much.

Ennis had instinctively clenched around him and Jack had shivered and had known he wasn't gonna last long. "Ennis." Jack had started to move, slow, and had heard Ennis grunt, then had felt him push back and clench again as he had brushed against his sweet spot, and Jack had been lost. "Ennis." He had tried not to pound too hard, and he had brought his hand around again to stroke Ennis, wanting Ennis to enjoy it and unsure if the only pressure on his prostate would be enough for the first time. He had heard himself moan "Ennis" over and over, had heard Ennis's gasps and gnarls, until Ennis had come in his hand with his usual "Jack", clenching even harder around him, bringing Jack with him over the edge.

Jack had slipped out and had laid himself upon Ennis when Ennis had kind of collapsed under him, cuddling close, taking Ennis's hands in his own. Ennis of course hadn't articulated one word. Jack hadn't thought he would anyway. Their still hard breathing was the only sound in the tent, echoing loud around them and warming Jack's heart as he relished in the simple fact that Ennis was still allowing him to lay just there — on top of him and fingers curled into his fingers... That spoke enough, _and loud enough_, huh. So yeah, Jack hadn't minded one bit about Ennis's silence.

Soon, Jack had realized that Ennis had passed out, worn-out both physically and — he guessed, even more — mentally. He had stayed a long time in the tent, watching Ennis peacefully asleep next to him. But he hadn't wanted to wake him, so at some point he'd grabbed his clothes and had gone out of the tent to dress, and had stayed near their fire for a while, playing it again and again in his mind, hoping and needing to know that Ennis would be all right, but fearing Ennis's reaction the moment he would awaken, remembering their first night, and how Ennis had been the morning after — this could freak him out even more when realization hit him, huh...

Some time had passed, and it had been getting late, so Jack had decided that he would just leave in the tent the short but sweet note that he'd prepared and go to the sheep if Ennis didn't wake up soon, 'cause it seemed Ennis could sleep all night, and Jack sure didn't want anything to happen to the sheep tonight, knowing Ennis would see it as a clear sign from above that what he had let happen was just unforgivable, as sweet and precious as it was to Jack's heart.

But just then, Jack had heard Ennis putting his clothes on in the tent, and Ennis had come out. And Ennis had spoken softly, words for him alone to hear — "You're sleeping on your feet like a horse. My mama used to say that to me when l was little" — bringing him close, one arm around his neck, one on his waist, and Jack had just leaned against him, wanting time to freeze on this moment; closing his eyes, feeling so utterly _blessed_, listening to Ennis whispering and humming an old song in his ears while petting his coat. And all along, one thought in his mind: _Forever, just like this. Forever._

Of course, time hadn't frozen, and far too soon Ennis had ended it, grasping Jack even closer for one last second, promising "See you in the morning". And then he had been gone, as usual not glancing back as he had saddled up Cigar Butt and ridden away. And for the first time, Jack had wondered if Ennis never watched him when leaving camp not because he felt uncomfortable about them, but because he wouldn't be able to leave him alone for the night otherwise.

It had been sweet. A hug. A real hug. Not a buddy's; a real tender lover's hug. No lust, but a real need to feel, to touch, to relish in each other's scent and presence, to cuddle and hold close. They hadn't talked about _it_, but that hadn't mattered. As usual, Ennis's actions told Jack more than a thousand-page book could, and Jack had known that Ennis was all right. That they would be all right. 'Cause he had made it _there_... Jack had known he'd been in Ennis's comfort zone for weeks, but now he knew he had gotten in the most closed-up place too; in the safe zone. Jack was now allowed to see the whole of Ennis, including his tender side, always so repressed and hidden under all those well-built walls.

And Jack had wondered all night if he should now try and talk to Ennis about the future he wanted for them. The future he had started dreaming about nearly right after meeting Ennis. The future he had started believing in after Ennis's little slip about working together again. The future which now felt so close, so possible, if he only dared to extend his hand and grasp it. So yeah, Jack would give it a try. They still had a month up here. And if Jack used it well and carefully, he could maybe make Ennis see that they didn't need to part after it. _Nor ever after_.

Of course, all those dreams had been shattered the very next morning. Aguirre had come again and had told him he wanted them down. A big nasty storm was coming, and he didn't want to take the risk and lose even more sheep than the year before. And Jack had felt miserable, but there had been nothing to do about it, huh...

He had already started packing when Ennis had arrived for breakfast. And all the sweet talking he had hoped for just went up in smoke as he had told Ennis their job was done, 'cause they both knew this meant that their time was up. And when Ennis had complained about Aguirre cutting them out of a month's pay, Jack had hoped this was an opened door, and had taken it, saying he could lend him some money. 'Cause this meant they would have to meet again, for Ennis to repay it, right? But Ennis hadn't seen it that way, and had just gotten angry at him, and Jack had understood that it was just because it was easier for Ennis to be angry at him than at Aguirre, or at himself. Ennis was sure as Hell seeing this as God's punishment for last night, though he would never acknowledge it openly. So when Ennis had just left him there, escaping to brood farther away, Jack had let him be, and had finished packing everything on his own, hoping Ennis would quiet down if he just gave him enough time to let the steam out.

When everything had been packed and there hadn't been any excuse left to delay their departure, Jack had approached Ennis. Hoping to lighten up his mood, Jack had taken his lasso and had captured a brooding, sitting Ennis playfully, hushing out softly: "Time to get going, Cowboy."

Ennis had stood up and started to move towards their horses, looking at the ground and automatically tucking his shirt back neatly in his jeans while walking. This little gesture — 'checking the fences', as Jack had labeled it in his mind after their first week up here — had been too much for Jack. Just like the way Ennis wore his hat, this was 100% pure Ennis in one move. Jack had seen Ennis tuck his shirt in his jeans unconsciously about a thousand times now; before saddling, after dismounting, every time he stood up from wherever they had been sitting, and of course after each of their couplings. And knowing this time would be the last time he got to see it was just too painful.

_One more time. I need him one more time. A proper goodbye, at least, and maybe a chance to tell him about what we could have, what we could be. It's now or never. He won't hear me once we're back down there._

So Jack had used his lasso again, throwing it around Ennis's feet and bringing him to the ground, hoping a good wrestling time would get Ennis to surrender to him once more, laughing as they had rolled and rolled on the grass. Jack, though, had realized soon enough that this time, it was different.

"This ain't no rodeo, Cowboy!"

Jack's heart had stopped. This wasn't Ennis. At least, not the Ennis _he_ knew. Making fun of what Jack had been longing to hear for days, denying the promised 'Rodeo' nickname, calling him 'Cowboy' instead, and with a sharp edge in his voice, something like cruel, bitter, cold hatred. No, Ennis wasn't playing at all. He looked really pissed. It was all turning harsh: Jack actually had to fight Ennis off him, nothing like their usual groping around. Then it had happened. Without noticing it, Jack had shoved his knee or his elbow — he wasn't sure — at Ennis's nose, and had been able to get out of Ennis's grip.

First thing he had seen getting up had been that Ennis was bleeding, a lot, and though they had both known it would soon stop, Jack had felt bad, and concerned. He had flown back close to Ennis, bringing his own shirt on Ennis's nose to stop the red flow, whispering soothing words. But Ennis hadn't gotten calmed down by the unexpected and accidental blow, and the only reward Jack had gotten for his gentle care had been a very hard punch to his face, which had sent him flat on the ground. Ennis had then just hurried away without so much as a glance back, leaving Jack there, with a sore cheekbone; and worse, with a broken heart.

Ennis was freaking out, Jack had guessed. He seemed to be suddenly acting as if all that had happened up here had been a mistake, a huge mistake; and that Jack was the one to blame for it too. He seemed to believe that he had to put it all behind him, fast, as though if he moved just fast enough, that "thing" wouldn't be catching up, and he would have the normal life he had planned and which was waiting for him down there.

Jack had known all along that there was a huge chance that Ennis would go flying away from him at the end of the summer, but he had hoped that maybe, maybe, it could turn out another way, because Ennis had gotten sort of more and more _open _towards him with each passing day. But the harsh reality had hit him then harder than Ennis's punch. Jack had felt utterly helpless and lost, the only things playing in front of his eyes now the broken pictures of his dreams, shattered and blown away with the wind, as he couldn't help but realize that Ennis had explicitly made a promise down there, and that he would keep it, of course — Ennis sure looked like someone people could rely on to keep his promises — and that, to be honest, Ennis had _never_ promised him _anything_.

So in the end, Jack had been so lovesick from the very start, maybe he had only seen what he had wanted to see all along... That thought had stabbed through him swiftly but viciously, leaving him bleeding raw until he was nothing more than an empty shell with blinking eyes.

So when he had finally felt able to stand on his feet again, Jack had gone back to 'camp', now wanting to leave this place quickly too. This place, which had held his dreams for two months, but which now was turning against him, every little detail hurting, 'cause here they'd sat under this tree, and here they'd talked against that log, and here they'd stumbled playfully to the ground, and here... And so on. The whole place had seemed to be mockingly laughing at him, and Jack had had to lower his eyes to his feet not to go mad. That's when he had seen it. Ennis's bloodied shirt. Harshly thrown in the grass and forgotten there for sure, 'cause Ennis was now wearing his other shirt, preparing Cigar Butt for their last ride; checking the saddle, petting him and whispering soothing nothings to him, as he always did... As if nothing had happened.

Jack had realized he was feeling jealous of Cigar Butt — the horse was having a sweet goodbye, at least. But the sight of his Cowboy finally back to his usual self had melted something inside him, as it always did, and Jack hadn't been able to feel angry anymore. After all, if Ennis had _really_ felt that mad at him, he probably wouldn't have been waiting for Jack to come out of his stupor but would have just ridden away at Hell's speed, huh...

And Jack had suddenly felt sad, utterly sad. He had looked once more at the abandoned shirt and had decided to keep it, as a proof that it hadn't all been a dream, that they had existed, even briefly; that they had shared something real. He knew it had been real for him. He believed it had been real for Ennis too. It had to have been — Ennis's eyes could never lie, right? He had taken a clean shirt too and had changed quickly, throwing his bloodied shirt on Ennis's and shoving them both hurriedly into his bag. Ennis hadn't noticed anything. Then Jack had started to silently saddle his mare too.

"Looks like we gotta go, huh, Jack."

Ennis's voice, nearly a whisper, through lips even more clipped shut than ever, quick and seemingly uncaring, but full of unspoken guilt, uneasy, reaching out for him. Not really an apology, but soothing anyway because Jack knew that it was one indeed. Jack sighed.

"Yeah, Friend, time to go."

Jack hadn't been able to let the 'Cowboy' nickname out, it was just too intimate. But he had wanted Ennis to understand that he was forgiven somehow, and he had known that with this 'Friend', Ennis would understand.

The whole way down had been silent, sending each other quick glances that spoke loudly even though they never crossed. They had both made as if they weren't noticing the other one's gaze and had just taken turns allowing their eyes to watch each other, without ever meeting. Yes, Jack had understood, it had been real for Ennis too. But they were going back to the world, the world which didn't want them to be. At least, not in Ennis's mind. Ennis, always so dutiful, and doing the fucking right things in the fucking right way, no matter what. No matter what.

Finally, they were down. Aguirre had acted exactly how Jack had known he would — that is to say, just like the asshole he was. Saying that some of the sheep were not his. This was true, but Jack knew that they had done their best with the circumstances; it wasn't their fault, after all, if Aguirre hadn't found it necessary to refresh the markings before sending them up. And saying the count wasn't right — while the herders were still busy counting. _Asshole._ None of them had replied though; what could they say. They had been paid, and as far as Aguirre was concerned, they had both ceased to exist right then.

Once out of the trailer, Ennis had asked Jack if he needed any help with his pick-up. Jack had been surprised, first because Ennis hadn't seemed to notice the poor state of his truck when he'd arrived that first day, and second because it felt like Ennis didn't want to leave him yet. Though it had hurt, because they'd both known it was only delaying the inevitable, it had been sweet too. Of course, neither of them could pretend very long that they didn't know how to fix it, and soon the engine was roaring again. This was it then, their goodbye.

"I can't believe I left my damn shirt up there."

Was Jack hearing what he thought he was hearing? Could it be that Ennis was now hoping that he had taken his shirt, maybe as a token too of their time together? Jack had wondered if he should give it back. But then he had remembered that Ennis was going to marry Alma, and how could he explain that he wanted to keep an old, ruined, bloodied shirt, huh. It would end in a trash bin. And that, Jack couldn't let happen. Ennis had no place to call his own; Jack had his own bedroom in his parents' home, and even if he had to move one day, that bedroom would always be his. The shirts would always be safe. He would keep them for them both. But damn, if Ennis didn't want to leave yet, if Ennis wanted something to remember too, maybe, maybe... Jack had to know.

"You gonna do this again next summer?"

"Well, maybe not. Like I said, me and Alma is getting married in November. So... I'll try to get something on a ranch, I guess. You?"

_Alma_. Only the second time he'd heard that name since he'd met Ennis. But that name was sealing his destiny. Or not? There was still a MAYBE, and that was all Jack had heard. It wasn't a straight clear NO WAY, right?

"Might go up to my daddy's place and give him a hand through the winter. I might be back. If the Army don't get me."

One heavy second of silence, glances exchanged, but with the damn sun in the way, you couldn't really tell what you were actually seeing...

"Well, I guess I'll see you around, huh?"

"Right."

And that had been it. Ennis had started walking away, and Jack had started his drive back home, looking for as long as he had been able to in his rear view mirror at Ennis, getting smaller and smaller, until he just had disappeared, and Jack had known that he had left a piece of his heart behind him.

The end of the summer had gone in a blur. Jack hadn't noticed the time passing by, only thing he had seemed to be able to do had been sitting in his bedroom holding the shirts for hours. The year had passed quickly too. Jack had helped his father at the ranch, had lost most of the rodeos he'd participated in, without really caring about it all. Then it had been summer again and, full of hopes, he had gone to Signal again. But there had been nothing — no one — there for him to find.

He'd decided then that the only thing he still had some interest for was rodeoing, and had left his parents' home to run the full circuit. He had been stunned when, one night, one of the rodeo boys after a beer had made some advances to him, had just thought "Why not?" and had played along. It hadn't felt the same though. Not that time, and not the few other times it had happened. He had been with a few girls too, particularly after a winning ride, 'cause he was then often a bit drunk with the celebrating, and it was difficult then to turn the offers down.

Until he'd met Lureen. A blur of red, a wink, and he had known with her it would be different, somehow. She had a fire within, and a need to be herself, both the same as his, and they seemed to match quite well. Though not as well as Ennis, who was still the only one in his dreams. But Lureen was fine, and funny, and then quickly and suddenly pregnant, and he had done 'the right thing' and had married her. And the fact that her daddy was really wealthy and that he got a real job then was handy too. He was by then busted up from rodeoing.

Of course, LD hated him. No one would be good enough for his sacred daughter, but Jack was even less than not good enough: he was a 'Rodeo fuck-up', to quote Ennis's father's words. Jack didn't like the old man either, but he had to cope with him, for Lureen's sake. There were days he wondered if Lureen hadn't picked him just for that, 'cause she knew he wouldn't crawl at his father's feet like the whole city did, 'cause she knew he would stand his ground, and hers too if needed.

The bastard, though, had found a way to get constantly on Jack's nerves. He was calling him "Rodeo". Jack wondered if his eyes had betrayed him the first time LD had said it. He believed they had, even if LD couldn't know the real reason behind his hurt. LD otherwise would have tried something else. There had been some others nicknames before, "Jacky", "Twist", even "J Boy", but none had been used for long, none until "Rodeo"...

So now, in his pick-up, nearing Riverton, Jack was wishing for one little thing. He wanted to hear one "Rodeo" from Ennis, at last; just one, in that deep, low, tender, rumbling tone that he kept hearing in his dreams. _YOU BET._ He believed he would.


	3. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2: SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24****TH****, 1967 (PART II — the prelude was part I)**

**JACK POV**

It was later than he had hoped when he arrived in Riverton; the day was already coming to an end. Luckily, finding Ennis's place turned out quite easy, he just had to ask once for directions. When he parked his truck he couldn't help but feel... nervous.

_Focus. Get to that door. Knock. Say hi. Talk a bit. Follow his lead. It's been four fucking years. For all you know, Alma's prepared a meal. For all you know, he's just gonna take you to a lousy bar to chat all night after dinner's done. So follow his lead. Do NOT look too desperate. And do NOT hope for too much. _

But he had just taken a few steps when he heard a door open and close, and he couldn't help but feel warmer inside — Ennis had been waiting, maybe watching out from the window all day. Ennis had been waiting. For him.

His eyes went up. And yes, there HE was, and with a happy grin on his face. Jack felt knocked out. His guts clenched, hard, as if he had been punched right in the stomach. It felt as though some invisible strings in Ennis's power had planted themselves deeply and suddenly in him, linking them together forcefully.

And then it got worse, as though those invisible strings were pulling Jack back towards Ennis, and were pulling hard, leaving Jack with just one urge, one desperate need, which was to get close to that man grinning and looking at him from upstairs; but the problem was that Jack wasn't sure he would be allowed to get as close as he wanted. He sure hadn't been prepared for that. And he couldn't help but think how wrong the world was, always talking about all those funny fuzzy cozy feelings, those butterflies in the belly which you were supposed to feel.

_It's all bullshit. This just kinda hurts._

"Jack Fucking Twist."

God it was nice to hear that voice again. And now Jack realized the 'cozy' part might not be that wrong, as the knots in his guts just vanished, and left him all warm inside, and stupidly happy for half a second. And then Ennis was nearly running to him.

Running.

To him.

_This can't be true, it's a fucking miracle..._

But it was real, and less than a second later, Jack was wrapped in Ennis's arms, and all finally felt right once more in his world. Ennis, his voice, his scent, his strong, long, lean body all against him. Jack just tried to get closer, closer, closer...

Ennis, though, disentangled himself a bit from his embrace, and Jack felt dizzy as his eyes got level with those lips, which were now SO close, and that he wanted to kiss SO badly that it was unbearable. Right there, only a few inches away, was the only thing Jack was still missing now: Ennis's taste.

Jack was in a trance, his whole world now reduced to Ennis's lips. Suddenly, he felt grabbed by his shirt, felt his hat fly away; but those lips were now smiling, and though Jack was surprised when his back slammed against a wall, it didn't matter, not at all, 'cause Jack was finally getting what he wanted, what he needed, as Ennis's lips attacked his own passionately, desperately — claiming him again, letting him know how badly he had been missed all those long years. And Jack had hardly registered what had happened — that Ennis had made the first move this time, out of the blue and in the open (!) — when it turned even better yet. Ennis had to take a breath and their eyes locked, and Jack couldn't believe what he saw there. It was all he had dreamed to see but hadn't dared to hope for. Ennis hadn't forgotten him either. Ennis had missed him too. Ennis wanted him too. Ennis needed him too, and now.

Jack just had to let Ennis know he felt the same, and he pushed him forcefully back until Ennis was trapped between the opposite wall and him, and Jack claimed him back in return, pressing and brushing all his body against Ennis's, feeling them getting harder together, lost in the moment, and God yes, he had been right to hope; there would definitely be more than just talking.

But, too bad, not now. Ennis was pulling away. Jack couldn't help but try to get Ennis back to him, clenching to his shirt, trying to trap this escaping mind-blowing mouth back with his own, and God he was sure he looked just as bad as a puppy in need of affection just now, but he just couldn't care. Ennis, though, had decided otherwise, and there was nothing he could do about it, for now. His hands were hushed away, and with a last sweet touch, forehead to forehead, and a half-breathed and full of promises "Later" — which just knocked Jack out: Ennis, actually making plans to be with him, and more, actually _talking_ about them? — Ennis was out of his arms, making his way up the stairs, trying to bring his breathing back to normal, tucking his shirt back in his jeans — _still the same way_ — inviting Jack to follow.

Meeting Alma was... torture. His eyes couldn't help but want to stay fixed on Ennis's mouth, and his tongue couldn't help but lick his own lips in search of some lingering trace of Ennis's taste, and it was difficult enough to try to concentrate on just NOT doing that, so his mind wasn't really available for making conversation. He heard one childish voice, heard Ennis tell him he had two girls, and he was sure they looked sweet, but just not as gorgeous as Ennis, standing there, so close but so achingly far, sexy as Hell leaning on the doorframe, flashing him little smiles and not able to resist the urge to watch him too. Jack's mind luckily acted sort of on auto-pilot and realized this was just the right time to say that he had a boy, that he was married too, which seemed to please Ennis, but Alma just looked at him then with a very weird look he couldn't decipher. The tension was getting too much, he just needed it to end.

"So me and Jack, we're gonna head out and get ourselves a drink."

_Yes, thanks God, finally. _

"We might not get back tonight..."

Jack's heart made a big thump then. Ennis was informing Alma, but he took it as a promise directed to him, that all this was not going to end with a quick fuck, that Ennis really wanted them to share some real time together, and the rest of the world disappeared in a blur.

His hands were shaking when they got in his truck. He started asking "Where?" but Ennis cut him off with a "I'll tell you".

The second question came in a rush from Jack's mouth: "How far?"

"About fifteen minutes."

Jack took a long breath, telling himself to just calm down. Fifteen minutes sure weren't that long after four years, right? He started the engine, concentrating on Ennis's "Right"'s and "Left"'s until they finally got out of Riverton and parked in front of the nearly deserted motel next to the road.

The silence when the engine turned off was deafening. He glanced a look at Ennis, who had gotten very still suddenly, looking not at ease anymore. Jack understood why all too well and whispered "I'll go, you just lock the car and follow me in later." Getting nothing more than an ashamed "Huh" in return, Jack went in, booked quickly for the night, got out and went to the room, which he realized then with relief was the farthest from the motel entry. He heard the door of his pick-up close and he actually shivered, trying to focus on opening the damn door while hearing Ennis's footsteps coming closer.

He got in, put the key in the lock and left the door open behind him. Ennis was there in no time — Jack was still taking his jacket off. Ennis closed the door with the key, turned to him, and their eyes met and locked, equal desire evident in sky-blue and deep whiskey-brown. Ennis must have decided his 'later' had been delayed long enough and should turn into 'now' as he threw his hat off and let his jacket fall. And for the second time in about thirty minutes, Jack felt himself slamed back against a wall while Ennis's lips descended on his without hesitation.

They were both already breathing hard, and sort of fighting each other to lead the kiss. Ennis of course won that fight, his hands firmly holding Jack's face at the right angle, the angle he obviously still knew allowed him to plunge his tongue deep inside Jack's mouth, so Jack gave up and initiated another competition instead, blindly opening Ennis's shirt with feverish hands, and was rewarded when Ennis, letting go of Jack's face, put his arms down just long enough for Jack to push the shirt from his shoulders and it dropped to the floor.

That sound made Jack eager for more, and he turned them so that Ennis now had his back against the wall. Jack then claimed Ennis's mouth back forcefully, while sliding his hands under Ennis's undershirt, roaming up Ennis's sides, eliciting a moan, Ennis, it seemed, surrendering for the time being. And Jack decided right then that he needed to reclaim any inch of Ennis he would be able to. 'Cause he felt damn hungry. Jack swiftly then got the undershirt on the floor too, and his lips got back for a while to ravaging Ennis's mouth — though in truth it was hard to tell whose mouth was having the upper hand — and then began to slide down Ennis's jawline, nibbling Ennis's ear lobes, neck, shoulders, licking Ennis's chest, finding the old path they had learnt that summer on Brokeback, that path which would make Ennis shiver; and yes, Ennis was shivering all right now, gasping for air, hushing out a "God, Jack" as his hips began to thrust forward helplessly. Jack was lost in Ennis's scent, in Ennis's taste, in Ennis's little noises which were all urging him to go on. Jack got on his knees, tonguing Ennis's belly button, which he knew was a very sensitive spot, and Ennis's hands flew into his hair, and Jack heard the thud Ennis's head actually made when it hit the wall. So yes, it seemed time hadn't really passed, 'cause Jack still knew perfectly how to pull Ennis's strings, you bet.

Soon Jack had Ennis's jeans and underwear yanked down too. Jack's mouth was going still lower and lower while his hands trapped Ennis's hips firmly in place against the wall. Jack looked up just in time to see Ennis bite his lip in a futile attempt to stop the moans from escaping, and he blew on Ennis's hard cock. Ennis's eyes flew open, and the desire in them made Jack shiver. Jack then licked his way up, eyes still locked on Ennis's, and for the first time ever, Ennis kept looking back at him. His tongue circled the top and Jack finally closed his mouth around Ennis, and started to move up and down and up and down, Ennis's breath getting heavier, the gasps and moans now escaping freely and continuously from Ennis's mouth like a wordless song, and Jack thought this was the most sacred music he had ever heard. Ennis couldn't help but thrust against him now, and then came the old familiar strangled "Jack" from Ennis's lips, the one which Ennis had gotten in the habit of using to warn him when he was dangerously close to the edge.

Jack remembered then how, before this very particular "Jack", Ennis had used, for about a week, a breathless "Stop", and how Jack, not wanting to spook Ennis, had forced himself to obey, until one evening he had murmured to Ennis before taking him in his mouth that he didn't want to stop anymore, and Ennis had seen in Jack's eyes that this was not up for debate, and had blushed — Jack's heart missing a beat at the sight — and surrendered, closing his eyes, biting his lip and returning his head to the pillow. And since that moment, Ennis's "Stop" had been history.

Jack knew Ennis was now really close, and the next time his mouth went down, Jack was finally granted that taste, after four awfully long years of painfully missing it. Ennis's most intimate taste.

Jack trailed soft little kisses back up Ennis's stomach, chest, neck, jaw, forehead, giving Ennis some time to recover. Then Ennis's arms went around Jack and held him tight, and Ennis was again the one in charge, catching Jack's lips in his own for another hungry kiss. Jack couldn't help but push himself against Ennis, needing some friction. Ennis grinned, got himself out of his boots and jeans and pushed Jack towards the bed gently, murmuring something which sounded too much like "Payback time" to be anything else, as unreal as it seemed, in a voice that now sounded hungry too.

Ennis made Jack sit on the bed, kneeled on the ground between Jack's legs, and began to open Jack's shirt, his lips following his fingers, kissing Jack's undershirt, until all the buttons were open and the shirt was pushed off. Then he started lifting Jack's undershirt, his lips following the same path up, but this time kissing flesh, inch after inch, as it got exposed to him. Jack was now the one gasping, and soon he couldn't stop the litany of "Ennis, yes, there, God, yes, Ennis, yes" coming out of his mouth as Ennis's trail of kisses got more intent, back on their way down now, while Ennis's hands were drawing strange patterns on his back. He felt Ennis smile against his belly, but Hell, it didn't matter. It was not his fault after all if he was the talking type. And Ennis might not speak that much, but all his moaning and groaning and all the other helpless noises he was always making when lost in the moment surely meant just the same, huh.

Jack now wanted more, so he started to lay back on the bed, in order to expose more of himself for Ennis to feast upon. But Ennis stopped him, a firm "No" escaping his mouth between two kisses, his hands guiding Jack's hands back behind him so that Jack could lean on them — enough to grant Ennis more flesh, but not letting Jack lay back on the bed. Jack gripped the sheets and chewed on his lips, 'cause Ennis's hands were now opening his jeans, yanking them down, and Jack helped Ennis, holding his hips up just long enough to let Ennis push the trousers and underwear down. Jack's head rolled back in anticipation now, but nothing came. Ennis was stroking his hips gently, but Jack couldn't feel those sweet, intoxicating, hot, feverish lips on him anymore, and he groaned, opening his puzzled eyes in search of Ennis's for an explanation. When their eyes connected, Ennis smiled that most beautiful smile, the one that always warmed Jack's heart, and, never letting go of Jack's eyes, made a little nod, as if to say "Want you to watch".

Jack's mind went totally blank from shock. This was probably the sexiest thing Ennis had ever done to him. Even in his dreams Jack had never dared imagine something even close to this.

Jack had been wonderfully surprised to discover during their second night together that Ennis was a really sensitive person under his cold, closed, shy walls, and Ennis, given time, had always given back to Jack what Jack had given to him. Jack trusted Ennis and Ennis trusted Jack, so Jack never pressed and Ennis always ended up feeling comfortable enough to try new things. Jack would never forget the first feeling of Ennis's tongue on his lower belly, and the first quick lick on his cock, about a week after their first sweet lovemaking. A few days later, Ennis had started sucking on him, going one blissful time up and down his shaft before taking the familiar and more comfortable way back up Jack's body again. It had taken Ennis maybe another 10 days to bring a blowjob to its end, and Jack had been sure he was going to have a heart attack when he had hushed his usual warning and Ennis hadn't stop...

After that, Ennis had given him blowjobs from time to time on Brokeback, but usually in the safety of the tent, and always with closed eyes. Now the lights in the room were still on, and Ennis had made Jack clearly understand that he wanted Jack to watch, and it was just too fucking HOT. Jack was speechless, watching in awe as Ennis's hands placed his hips at the edge of the bed to get more room to work and then as Ennis's mouth began to suck on him. Jack was holding his breath, afraid the moment would vanish if he moved just one damn muscle. It seemed, though, that Ennis remembered exactly how to make Jack squirm under him, 'cause he could feel the tension building up and up and up quickly, and he couldn't stay silent or still anymore, and he began again a litany, this one more of gasped "Ennis, fuck, Ennis, fuck", feeling his fingers clench hard on the sheets for support, fighting the urge to close his eyes because the show was just too damn gorgeous. He then felt it was getting too much and let out his own old warning for Ennis, "Gonna shoot". Ennis just kind of groaned back his approval, and Jack emptied himself in his mouth with a last long moan.

When he came down from his mind-blowing orgasm, Jack couldn't support himself anymore, and let his back finally fall on the bed, breathing hard, letting out a "Wow"; needing to hear his own voice to prove to himself that he was awake and not dreaming. He felt Ennis helping him out of his boots, then freeing his legs from his jeans. Then Ennis started to lick his way up Jack's chest again, pushing a knee gently between Jack's legs, making him understand he was coming to lay with him on the bed, and Jack went up on the bed until they were both able to lay. They stayed a moment nuzzling and nibbling lightly at each other in silence.

"Got you all quiet there for a minute", Ennis whispered in Jack's left ear, half grinning, half sort of proudly.

Jack felt so good, he couldn't refrain from chuckling. "Yes, huh, you surely did, Cowboy".

There. The old endearment which was just for Ennis had passed Jack's lips without him realizing it, and it felt right. So really right.

Jack pressed himself closer for a second, letting Ennis know he was ready for more, and Ennis seemed to get the message, 'cause his kisses got harder and he began again to take a path south on Jack's chest, then on Jack's left side, letting his hands roam freely on Jack's torso while pushing himself on all fours, allowing Jack to roll to his belly under him, giving Ennis access to his back, and Ennis's mouth continued the road down Jack's side while stroking circles on Jack's back. And Jack's little chant resumed.

Ennis's mouth then went up again, tasting the salty sweat in Jack's neck, and Jack quivered. Ennis went then down again, tracing Jack's spine with his tongue and concentrating then on Jack's favorite sensitive spot, above, around and under the last bone, just where his back was becoming his ass, and Jack just went mad, thrusting into the mattress, clenching his fingers in the pillow, breathing heavily and unable now to stop chanting his usual nonsense words which always pushed Ennis's buttons, while Ennis's hands started massaging his butt.

Jack heard Ennis spit, then Ennis was kissing his way up Jack's back again, and Jack let out a breathy "Yes, Ennis, need you so much". But Ennis's soft answer in his ear was definitely not what Jack was expecting: "Hold on."

He was about to complain when he felt one of Ennis's fingers entering him slowly. And there it was again: Jack was speechless.

Ennis had never used his fingers there. And Jack had never needed them. Jack had never felt pain after their first night, 'cause Ennis sure liked foreplay a lot, and was always at least trying to hold back some for Jack's sake, while Jack sort of always just wanted to get there as fast as possible when he got really needy, and from their second night till their last, Jack had always been far passed needy and ready each time Ennis had entered him.

So what was this? And Jack guessed then that it was most probably guilt, and his heart stopped. Jack had always been sort of the leader in any of their explorations while lovemaking, and Ennis had always followed Jack's paths. So Ennis had appreciated the feeling of Jack's fingers preparing him, and now of course he felt as though he had to return the favor. Like he had to do things Jack's way, 'cause it was 'the proper way'. This was Ennis's apology for never having thought Jack could need this, and Jack, though enjoying it a lot, couldn't keep this going on, 'cause he didn't like the idea of Ennis feeling bad about something Jack had always wanted and appreciated above anything else, 'cause there was nothing on Jack's own scale as pleasurable as being owned by Ennis's cock.

"Stop teasing me, Cowboy. Need you. Ready for you. Been ready for you since you pushed me against that fucking wall in your staircase."

That seemed to work its way quickly through Ennis's brain, 'cause just as Jack finished talking, he felt Ennis push his way inside. And there it was, they were both one again, and Jack thought he was going to come just from that knowledge, and that feeling — Ennis, Ennis, Ennis, on top of him, around him, inside him. Ennis, everywhere. It must have felt the same for Ennis, 'cause they both didn't last long, and after a few strong, desperate, deep, quick thrusts, they were done, both out of breath, but not letting go of each other, Ennis as silent as ever but spooning against Jack's back, and Jack felt whole again. It didn't feel like they had been years apart. They were back up there, back to that place which was just theirs, where Ennis felt safe enough — safe enough to be tender, safe enough to hug him.

"Can't believe you're here, Rodeo."

Just a whisper, and Jack was ready to bet Ennis had been talking more to himself than to him. But Jack's heart stopped, melted, exploded, all at once. _Rodeo._ Ennis had said it. _Rodeo._ They would find a way. They would.


	4. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3: BACK TO REALITY — FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7****TH****, 1983**

**JACK POV**

Jack fought, not wanting to awaken. He wanted to go back to that perfect night, when everything had seemed possible, again. Flash after flash, of love and of hope, behind his closed eyelids.

How they had fallen asleep, Ennis still spooning against his back. How Jack, awaking a few hours later, had crawled up on Ennis and had pulled him out of his slumber. How Ennis had called him "Rodeo" again then, and loud enough for Jack to know that this time, he meant for Jack to hear it too. How wonderful it had felt just to talk and share a few smokes while holding Ennis against his chest for what could have been hours afterwards; something new, because on Brokeback, even if Ennis had always ended spooning against Jack on the few occasions when they had slept next to each other, Ennis hadn't been the cuddling type when he was conscious, except for — what had turned to be — that last-evening-and-short-precious-unforgettable-hug which had kept Jack alive for years.

How they had tried to put four years into as few words as possible — Ennis of course doing a better job at this than him. How Ennis had been surprised, hearing that Jack had found him back sort of walking into K.E, his brother. _K.E._ Jack could have sworn he'd never seen Ennis's eyes get so wide in surprise as when that name had escaped his lips. How Ennis had probably guessed what Jack wasn't saying — how he had in fact tried to track him down all those years — and had given him then that look through his deep whiskey brown eyes; the look that told Jack all that Ennis never had, and never would, say.

How Jack had then let slip that Lureen thought he had gone to see his parents for a few days. How Ennis had quickly taken the occasion and said that he had told Alma that they were 'fishing buddies', those two words bringing on Jack's lips a dreamy smile, because he had recognized them exactly for what they were as a memory of that summer had flashed in his mind.

Early summer, Jack already running the camp, but still at the first camp, about two days after their first real talk. There had been something wrong with the fresh food Jack had been given; some of it had quickly turned out not to be edible anymore and Jack had been cursing about having to eat those damn beans again for a few days. Ennis had then mentioned shortly that it was a shame neither of them had thought about bringing fishing tools. Then he had smiled that so-rare but mind-blowing half smile of his as he had made a joke, again — and even two! — saying that fishing tools would be useless anyway, 'cause Jack would never be able to shut up long enough for a fish to bite, if by any luck there were any fish still around who hadn't been scared away by the sound of his harmonica to begin with, huh... Jack had laughed, feeling once more true, silly, pure happiness seep through the whole of him at Ennis's smile and words. And of course, then he had answered that he would have to go fishing with Ennis one day in order to prove him wrong, you bet, anytime, anywhere. Ennis had just smiled back at him from under his hat, something like "Whatever, Bud" escaping his lips, which had warmed Jack's heart far better than the tiny campfire he had been cooking on — _Bud_. Ennis had called him Bud. Jack hadn't been complaining about the beans later on. For once, as if by magic, they had actually tasted good.

So Jack had just whispered softly, "Fishing buddies, huh."

Ennis had just lowered his gaze and let out through clipped lips a simple "Yeah". But it couldn't hide any of it. Jack had known that Ennis remembered too — that Ennis had _never_ forgotten either.

And so, their first trip had been planned, like that, in no more than 30 seconds.

But of course, Jack finally awoke, and the sweetness of the dream crashed down around him as reality hit him hard.

_Shit. _

Lureen was deep asleep, curled at the other side of the bed, her back to him, as usual. He could hear her regular, slow breathing. He watched his alarm. 3:33. October 7th (1983). November was getting close. And he still had no news from Ennis. No news since their last, awful, heartbreaking parting in April. Ennis's broken voice whispering again in his mind "I just can't stand this anymore, Jack".

_Shit. _

Yeah, shit, you bet. Now he needed a drink.

The worst was that Jack knew he was the one to blame for bringing this on himself.

He remembered their goodbye in April. How there had been one reminder too many of that old, deep buried, 'great refusal' of '75, and how Jack hadn't been able to keep it in. He had known his words would hurt Ennis. But he had just wanted to hurt him. And for a fraction of a second, seeing Ennis broken had felt good. And goddamn right. And well-deserved. Just before it had started hurting like Hell. And Jack had been hurting like Hell since then.

"I wish I knew how to quit you!"

What had gotten into him, why had he needed so badly to let those words out too? Why had he had to ask TWICE for the rope to hang himself with... As if talking about 'Mexico' hadn't done enough damage already on its own. He had been prepared for angry words thrown back at him, and maybe a few blows, because he knew that Ennis could get quite bad-tempered when he got pissed off or hurt — and by then Ennis must have been pissed off AND hurt. But Ennis's reaction had been nothing like he had been expecting, for sure.

"Then why don't you? Why don't you just let me be, huh? It's because of you, Jack, that I'm like this. I'm nothing. I'm nowhere."

Jack hadn't even been able to get angry at Ennis for fucking blaming him for it all, he had just felt _lost_, because Ennis had been fucking CRYING, and Jack had discovered then that this sight was just utterly, completely, totally disarming. Jack could have dealt probably good enough with a riled-up Ennis. But he was powerless against a sobbing Ennis. So all he had been able to do had been to take Ennis in his arms, saying that it was all right, wanting them to be all right, wanting far too far November to be all right after all.

"I just can't stand this anymore, Jack."

Jack could swear his heart had stopped beating, right then and there.

_Is he just talking about our bitching around today? Or about 'our thing'? And then, is he realizing that he needs more too, at last? Or is it the end? Is he saying that he can't 'ride it' any longer? Does he really mean it, or is he just lashing out some back at me because he feels like he has to? _

They hadn't talked afterwards. Jack hadn't dared to ask. Ennis had soon stopped crying, had hugged him closer briefly, letting out "See you around", had got into his pick-up, and had driven away without glancing back.

'See you around'... Those words gave Jack no further clue about a possible — or not — trip in November. Those words could imply a future. But they were, too, the same words than in '63. And Ennis hadn't come back in '64, huh.

Jack had wanted to hope, still, against all odds, but, deep inside, he hadn't been able to fool himself. So on his way to his parents', Jack had decided he should stop crying. It was already over anyway, right?

Even finally having confirmed what he had known for all those years, no matter how muc his mind had tried to deny it when he felt just too bitter to continue to believe it — that Ennis loved him, and always had — still, Jack was certain of two things. Ennis would never forgive him for what he had done. And Ennis would never forgive himself for ending up crying on the ground in front of him. Ennis was just too proud and too stubborn for either of those things taken apart, so the both of them together... it was just impossible. So yes, it was over.

And to say the truth, maybe, maybe, it was for the best. If Ennis was _that_ miserable _because of him_, then yeah, maybe, maybe, Jack should probably let him go. If he loved him enough — and Jack knew he did — he should put Ennis's needs before his own, right... After all, wasn't it what he had always done anyway, right from the start... Right?

But Hell, maybe he should just be glad about it anyway... Twenty years of dreaming had brought him nowhere; Ennis would never give him what he wanted. Twenty years, with only a few chewed-on bones, left-overs scarcely thrown at him. Twenty years, with only beans. Jack deserved better, right? Jack should see this as his chance. To break free, to start over; with someone new, who would love him back as fiercely and as madly as he would love him. Someone who wouldn't fear him, who wouldn't blame him. Someone who would be able to dream too. Right?

There was someone, dancing around him, already waiting for him for about a year now. (***AN 1**) It was worth a try, right? Couldn't be worse, anyway... Right?

Randall. He had remembered how he had been struck by his open invitation the first time they had met. Was it that easy to see? Was he that easy to read? He hadn't answered. Lureen and Lashawn had been back from the ladies room right then, and he had felt relieved to escape the subject, 'cause he hadn't known how to answer. Denying? Admitting but refusing? 'Fishing trips' with Randall were out of the question. 'Fishing trips' were with Ennis, that was sacred.

They had met a few times afterwards, for work. And each time, Randall had let his invitation slip. And Jack hadn't answered anything in return, for months.

Until that Friday night at the bar in the middle of December. Jack had been there for hours already, drinking whiskey and brooding, as usual feeling very low just before the holidays, which were times to share with loved ones. But he hadn't seen Ennis since the middle of November, and there would be no trips until April. Still about four fucking months to go. And nothing in between.

_We're supposed to be good friends and we don't even exchange stupid 'Merry Christmas and Happy New Year' cards! I wonder if Lureen's noticed; and if she had, doesn't she find it a little strange?_

And worse, something hitting him for the first time in all those years.

_Shit, we don't even know each other's birthdays! How fucked-up is that?_

He knew why of course. What was the point in knowing those things if they couldn't celebrate them together anyway. All they had was generally end March/beginning April, beginning August, and end November/beginning December. So Jack at least knew when Ennis's birthday was NOT. Jack closed the subject in his mind and came back to the present: damn December and January. It was usually at this period of the year that Jack went to Mexico. Those damn long winter nights, with a few soft dreams and a lot of bitter thoughts as only company... that always turned out too long, since '75.

So that had been what he had been thinking about, that Friday night. Mexico. But Randall had arrived, had spotted him there and had started to talk to him while Jack mainly just kept drinking. Nonsense talk first, about work, about Lashawn, about Roy Taylor, and of course, as each time... about the damn cabin by Lake Kemp. And Jack had just gotten tired.

"Randall," he'd sighed, "You should drop it. We're just NOT going to have any fishing trips." Silence then, broken by a bigger sigh, "Not that you should feel bad about it... I'd be a worthless fuck anyway."

There, it was out. Both a refusal and an admission of his leanings.

And Randall had just finished his drink, had told Jack he should take him home, 'cause Jack had been drinking far too much to drive, and Jack had agreed. He had just asked first to grab 'something' he needed from his car.

Condoms. Jack had always used condoms in Mexico. He had always told himself that it was simply because being totally screwed up still was no excuse for risking bringing back some germs to Lureen. But this... It wasn't Mexico, and Randall was no prostitute, huh. Yet he couldn't imagine not using rubbers now too, and it had dawned on him all too well just why... He had pushed the thought aside though, not knowing if he felt more pissed off or just utterly broken by it, but deciding it wasn't changing anything anyway, unfortunately...

So he had followed Randall and had climbed into his car, and then they had been driving in silence. Jack had known Randall wasn't planning on taking him home, and when they had arrived at the motel outside of town, Jack had just surrendered. No need anymore to go to Mexico, he could have what he needed right here, right now. So he'd nodded yes when Randall had asked if he wanted him to check them in.

Jack had followed Randall into the room some time later, had turned out the light, had let Randall touch him; but hadn't touched him back, had kept wordlessly escaping Randall's lips. Randall had said nothing, hadn't tried anymore to get sort-of intimate, had taken the condoms and had just stuck to 'the basics'. And Jack had just closed his eyes, had whispered a few moments later, "Strong in, slow out," asking for the beginning rhythm he had come to crave above all during all those years 'cause it was Ennis's most frequent starting tempo, and had let himself be swept along. Keeping his eyes shut afterwards, not saying a word, not answering when Randall had asked if he wanted him to bring him back to his car, and Randall had then finally left quickly.

There, done, gone.

It hadn't really been different from Mexico in the end. It had felt awkward — _different_ — at first, as usual; but his angers — against Ennis and against himself: "I should do it, I can do it, I'm gonna do it and I'm even gonna enjoy it" — had made him play along.

Then somehow his body had kicked in and had helped his mind trick itself, the litany in his head shifting without him noticing from "Fuck you, Ennis" to "Fuck me, Ennis", and it had even been satisfying, for a few seconds. And then, as usual, everything had just crashed down, and had left Jack feeling nothing more than the purple messy mass of limbs left after a body hit the ground after a far too long fall. Jack still felt empty. Just empty. And alone, huh, so completely, utterly, alone.

As always at those times, Jack heard himself curse Ennis. But as always too, he knew he despised himself even more. After all, it wasn't the drug's fault if a drug addict turned out unable to quit, huh. And Jack, knowing it would only make him miserable in the end, still went through with it, again and again. But, well, that two-second blink at his own Paradize, huh...

Jack had finally come out of his torpor in the early morning, had left the keys on the desk of the temporarily, luckily deserted office, had walked an hour, maybe more, back to his car, and had gone home, even before Lureen and Bobby got out of bed.

They hadn't talked about it the next time they had met. But in January it had happened again. And in Februari. There, done, gone. Jack felt bad, feeling he was using Randall as a prostitute, and not even paying him. They took turns paying for the room, of course, but that was it. But it was so simple. Too simple to resist.

So on his way to his parents', Jack had decided that he should make it right to Randall. And they would live happily ever after. It should be easy. So easy. Right? By the time he'd gotten to Lightning Flat, he had almost persuaded himself. And he had said it right away, just after kissing his mom and acknowledging his dad's presence at the kitchen table, as usual when he wasn't outside, with a nod. He had needed to say it right away, with a big smile on his face, bragging around as if this was the best thing that could ever happen to him. He had needed to say it right away, before his father could begin taunting him again about "Mr Del Mar not coming along", as usual. Couldn't talk about Ennis. Couldn't even hear his name out loud, or Jack would have broken down.

His mother hadn't said a word, but had kept looking at him through knowing, sad eyes which he had pretended not to see, and his father had actually kept his mouth shut — now there was a blessing! — probably too surprised to bite, but hoping for sure that by his next visit Jack would still be alone and he would be able to rub it under his nose again.

Then Jack had said that he was going to check the fences, his usual job when he was there, and had gone out before his parents could utter one word, and hadn't come back in until supper.

When he had gotten to his old bedroom after supper, his first thought had been to look for the shirts, as usual. Check if they were still here. Check if they were all right. But this time he'd told himself that the reason he needed to see them was different. He was going to put them away, in a box with old photos, or something like that. Or even better, he would throw them away. Or burn them. Yes, that was the best thing to do. Right?

Of course, the moment he had felt them in his hands, the illusion had been gone. Burn those shirts? Who was he trying to kid? Surely not himself.

And he had gone to bed clutching them close, trying to find some lingering trace of Ennis's scent and not finding any, which was not weird at all after nearly twenty years, and which he had known anyway, 'cause he held the shirts each time he came here, so he knew that scent was gone long ago. But still, it had hurt him like Hell.

He had ended up silently sobbing himself to sleep, thinking on their really fucked-up relationship.

_Relationship? Was that word fitting anyway, for their only 3 weeks a year of actually seeing each other?_

Were the few good times worth enough to keep going through all this still? Wasn't it getting too much?

Doomed. It had been doomed from the beginning. From the moment Ennis had declared "You know I ain't queer." Jack had known it all along, but hadn't wanted to see it. Worse, he wasn't sure he wanted to see it now either.

_Did Ennis really mean what he said this morning?_

Ennis, of course, came to him in his sleep. The usual dream Jack had each time he slept in his old bedroom, holding those shirts. Ennis, on Brokeback, wearing his still unbloodied shirt, whispering softly in his ear, pulling him close, so close, from behind. Words from the past echoing around him, and the humming, going on and on and on, the melody never ending, Ennis never leaving; never leaving when Jack was dreaming.

And when Jack had awoken in the morning, as always after that dream, he could swear that Ennis's scent was back on the shirt. He had put the shirts safely back in their hidden place, and had helped his parents all day before leaving for Childress.

Of course, afterwards, during the long hours in his truck, he had been angry at himself for his weak moment of the night before, telling himself again that it was over, and that it was for the best. Dreaming had only brought him pain and more pain and more pain, and as if his own misery wasn't enough, now, on top of it, Ennis _blamed_ him for his own too...

_Fuck him. How could he even dare? I made the first move, ok, but I surely never needed to drag him along with a leash! God knows things would have been far different — far better — if I had been able to. He's the one who's always been making all the rules, and now he blames me? _

Being angry and bitter felt far better than feeling sad, empty, broken, hopeless, lost, or any of the other feelings that cut through him any time he got a glimpse of Ennis crying in his mind.

_What's next, huh? That he secretly hates me too? Fuck him. I should just give up. That's what he wants anyway, right? Asking me to let him be? Shit, did he REALLY mean that? Doesn't matter anyway. Fuck him. Yeah, you hear me, Ennis. Fuck you. Boy, you should maybe have been more careful with what you wished. _

So by the time he had arrived home the day after, he had again persuaded himself that Ennis was better off without him. That he was better off without Ennis. That he should be with Randall. And he had called him, asking if they could meet that night, and as usual Randall had just said ok and had given him the time they should meet at the motel.

When he had arrived, Randall had already booked the room and was waiting for him in his car. And this time, once they'd gotten in the room, Jack hadn't turned the lights out. And had walked right to Randall. And had started kissing him. Randall must have been very surprised, 'cause he hadn't responded for a second or so; but then he had started to kiss Jack back.

And that had been Jack's breaking point. Rushing out of Randall's arms. Realizing he just couldn't. Saying he just couldn't, more to himself than to Randall.

He couldn't pretend anymore that Ennis didn't or wouldn't care anyway. Ennis's hurting eyes in his mind, Ennis's tears, Ennis trying to push him away before clinging on to him as if he was a drowning man and Jack was the only tiny string keeping him alive. So he couldn't pretend anymore that he himself shouldn't care either. He couldn't tell himself anymore that it was both well-deserved and justified, and meaningless, whatever, and not...

_Yes, say it, coward; cheating_.

That was it, he couldn't pretend anymore that it wasn't really cheating. Only picture of Ennis now in his mind being Ennis's broken shell in his arms. And he couldn't pretend anymore that he wanted to start a real relationship with Randall. He wanted Ennis, still; even knowing that Ennis might not want him anymore.

So Jack had just said he was sorry, sorry, sorry. Apologizing to Randall, to Ennis, to himself; he didn't really know. Sliding down the wall until he could sit, close his arms around his knees and hide there, feeling really stupid, breathing hard and squeezing his eyes shut to keep inside the sobs and tears which were threatening to break free. Randall hadn't said anything, had just sat down next to him against the wall, and had smoked in silence, waiting for Jack to calm down. Which he had after a while.

"So, Jack, maybe it's time we talk about Ennis, huh?"

Matter of factly. Casual tone. Kind of curious even. No real hurt in his voice.

Jack had felt like he had been slapped in the face.

"What? How the Hell do you—"

He had been cut off by Randall's short, kind of tired, laugh.

"Come on, Jack, it's not like I don't hear his name each time we're... you know... You really thought I didn't know?"

Another blow. And there was no denying possible, 'cause it made sense. Jack knew he always ended up, sooner or later, thinking about Ennis while with someone else, and he knew he always shouted Ennis's name in his head. He had just never noticed he wasn't shouting only in his head, huh.

So Jack had just stayed speechless, wincing again at his own stupidity, and Randall had continued, not looking at him anymore but keeping his gaze on the wall in front of them.

"The evening we met. There was this lean, long, blond cowboy at the table near us. We could only see his back. But the moment your eyes fell on him, I swear, you nearly caught your breath. And though it was subtle, you couldn't help but look at him once in a while while we were eating. That's when I realized you were maybe... interested in men. 'Cause there came each time a kind of longing in your gaze. And not the sad kind of longing you see when someone is remembering someone dead or anything like that. More something like... need. But it seemed to hurt, and I first thought the man just might look like, let's say, your ex. Of course, I understood right the first night we came here it wasn't an ex. Your no-light-no-kiss-no-talk-no-touch-just-give-it-to-me-like-this policy. And his name on your lips... twice. I wasn't sure the first time, 'cause well, it's not a common name, huh, I'd sure never heard it before."

Jack felt a little smile get on his lips... _Yep, me neither. But it's fitting. He's not common._

Randall continued, "But I sure heard it loud and clear enough, though you were just whispering to yourself, the second time, when I closed the door... "Fuck you, Ennis." I got the message all right."

"Shit, Randall, I'm so sorry."

But then something kicked in: "But, if you knew... why did you keep meeting me?"

"Well, you're not the only one with a double agenda here. Can't say I've been expecting much more from you than what I got. Even if it had been an ex, I knew you'd need time. Too much hurt in your gaze while looking at that stranger the evening we met. As for myself, I haven't been in a real relationship with a man for ages... So I just took a chance, huh... It didn't really matter to me that you'd be all emotionally shut down and closed up. A little of something sounded better than nothing at all by then. I needed it. And you allowed me to. Far easier than eventually going to Mexico, huh. End of story."

Jack let out a big sigh, and felt better. Relieved. Randall had been using him, just like he had been using Randall. It was somehow just sick, really fucked-up, but it felt all right. He could live with that. It was far better than if Randall had been hoping for more. 'Cause Jack knew now that he would never be able to give him, or anybody else, more. He had given the biggest part of his heart to that Cowboy of his, all those years ago, and now, all he had left was the automatic, ticking, devoid of feelings, mechanism. A broken clock, that's what he was; battery still working but wheels damaged, hands forever pointing to the same hour. And who could ever use such a thing anyway, huh...

"But enough talking about me. I'm not the one who just broke down."

His thoughts making him feel more tired with every second, Jack responded wearily, "Jeez, Randall, you think you're my shrink now!"

"Well, it looks like you really could use one. And the room's paid anyway, so we may as well use it, even if it's just to talk. At least here, no one's gonna interrupt, right? So tell me, Jack. Tell me why you've tried... whatever you've been trying tonight. Tell me about Ennis."

There was silence for a while; Jack trying to organize his thoughts...

"Well... I... I never talked about him to anyone. I don't know where to start."

"OK, let's see... Where does he lives? Kinda gotten the feeling it's not around here, huh."

Jack sighed, focused on the floor and just let it all out.

"Riverton, Wyoming. It's about 14 to 16 hours from here, depending on the traffic and how much and how long you stop on the way. We're both Wyoming kids. We're the same age. Originally, he's from Sage, near the Utah line, I'm from Lightning Flat, on the Montana border. So far from each other we really could have never met. Summer jobs can be funny like that, making you meet people you never would otherwise. We worked one summer together, herding sheep near Signal for an asshole named Aguirre. '63. The summer that changed my life."

Randall caught his breath when that date filled the room. "'63? Damn, that makes... twenty years! Wow, I understand the longing in your eyes, then... I mean, twenty years... It's a fucking real love story."

Jack had let out a kinda tired short laugh then.

"God, Ennis would freak out if he heard you!"

_I wonder if he would have time enough to punch you good a few times before he had a heart attack, or if he would just drop dead at your feet..._

"Huh?"

"You used... the forbidden L word. That's just... No way." Jack had let his voice drop, as if sharing a very important secret. "Whatever we have — _had?_ —... it's", he'd even made quotation marks in the air, "A 'thing'. Nothing less, nothing more." He'd rolled his eyes then, feeling a sad, tired grin come to his lips. "And oh, I forgot, the best part: he's no queer, you know..."

"Shit. Is he that tight-assed?"

Randall's voice, pretty low, as though he'd regretted bringing this out of Jack, thinking it must hurt. But Jack's answer surely hadn't been the one Randall had been waiting for. Jack had chuckled again, a bit harder this time, before answering, kinda blushing, a dreamy smile now getting on his lips, 'cause it was true, and Jack loved it, in every meaning you could give to those words... Yeah, Ennis was _that_ tight-assed, and even more. But he wouldn't be Ennis if he was otherwise, right?

"Oh yeah, he is. Even more than you can imagine. The closest I ever got to a sweet word from him in all that time was that he was thanking Heaven for me forgetting to bring my harmonica... And that was in '67!" Jack´s voice had gotten serious then, and kinda far away, as though he was digging deep inside himself to bring this out into the light. "I won't say there aren't times it hurts. And it surely doesn't help when I turn... bitter." He escaped Randall's questioning eyes, "But usually, it's not important. Ennis, he's not a talker like me. What's important, it's what he does."

_Or doesn't. Don't go there._

"And the way he always sort of runs to me every time he gets out of his pick-up... I always try to arrive before him, wherever we plan to meet, just to be granted this... 'Cause Ennis, normally, he just never runs. And when he finally closes his arms around me and holds me tight for a brief moment, it's just like... I'm home, you know? And there are those times, when he looks at me like... I can't explain. No one else has ever looked at me like that. And it's enough. 'Cause all he won't say, and all he won't hear... I see it all there."

So Jack, once started, just hadn't been able to stop himself, their story flowing out of him in one long, strong rush. And it had felt nice. Talking about Ennis. Such a huge part of his life which he always had had to keep hidden and unspoken until now. Truly talking about Ennis, and not having to tell the usual 'fishing buddy' line.

The good times, the bad times. What he knew, what he didn't know; how it felt. Nothing too intimate, but enough to show the whole picture. '63, the summer that had started it all. The hurt of '64. The four years long separation and the way he hadn't been able to turn the page. Their reunion in '67. The fishing trips, thrice a year since, and how amazed he still was, because those had been Ennis's idea... 'Tight-assed' Ennis's idea.

Damn November of '75, Ennis's divorce, the rejection; his dreams all shattered in the wind, again. His first trip to Mexico. Sweet December of '75, Ennis's unspoken apologies, the way they had been enough, and not enough. The bitterness which he had tried to fight since then, while they were apart, but which always got the better of him.

And finally, this latest damn weekend, Ennis not being able to see him in August, which had felt like one rejection too many, and their awful exchange of hurting, angry words, which had brought Ennis to the ground and had left Jack empty. The way Jack had tried to persuade himself he should get over it, for both their sakes, only to find out he couldn't, right here and now.

"So, you see, that's it. I fucked up. Big time. And I couldn't keep my damn big mouth shut, and now... I don't know how things are. I just don't know. And in a way, I'm afraid to know," he'd snorted, "Jeez, pathetic much, huh."

Randall had been listening to it all, never interrupting, until then. "Well, Jack, I think you may be overreacting there, you know. I mean... I can't talk for Ennis, I don't know him. But it's obvious he needs you just as much as you need him, whether he likes it or not... I mean, 20 years, huh. And if this 'thing'," the quotation marks he'd made in the air with his fingers had brought a tired smile to Jack's lips, "Is half as true and half as strong as it seems while listening to you, I believe... he'll come around. Come on, the only thing he needs is a fucking map. Mexico, Childress, Riverton, any mountain range you've ever been to in Wyoming. You're always the one making the long drive. It's taking you maybe twice as long to go to him than to go to Mexico. And, even if he surely doesn't need to know that, it's surely taking you a lot more time than just calling me, huh. Looks to me like a lot of trouble if it's only to get a stupid fuck. As dumbass as he wants to be, and will try to be if I got the right picture from what you said, he just can't NOT see that. Give him some time. Give him 'till November. That was the plan, right?"

Those had been soothing words, but after all, they had made some sense.

"It seems so simple. How can it feel so bad if it's that simple?"

"Well, sometimes, you need to hurt to see things how they really are. Like a good wake-up call. Can't be bad for him too, I guess. And I promise you, Jack, if November comes and you still have no news from him, I'll take you there and I'll kick some sense into his sorry ass myself, huh."

That had done it. Jack had laughed. And his eyes had laughed too. And deep inside, Jack had started to hope again.

Afterwards, Jack had listened to Randall's stories. And when morning had come, and they had had to leave, they had hugged. A short, simple hug; tap tap on the shoulder. A buddy hug. But it had felt more real than all the touching that had ever been between them. Life could be strange that way sometimes. Jack had lost an easy fuck. But he had found a friend.

They had met a few times at the bar since, and it had been totally different from how it had used to be. Randall sort of seemed to want to take care of him, as though he was the big brother Jack didn't have, asking him if he was doing ok, if there had been 'some news' from Wyoming, etc etc etc.

But October was now here. And Jack still had no news.

He was getting worried. Anxious.

Let's be honest, he was getting fucking scared. Scared Ennis hadn't seen any map. Scared Ennis, too hurt and too proud, had just decided he should just ignore whatever he was feeling and go back to a straight God-approved unqueer life. After all, he was no queer, right? And he had said that he found her pretty. Maybe pretty enough to give him that 'ordinary' life he couldn't stop wishing for...

And in the end, if that was what Ennis really needed, then Jack should just accept it and let go, right... Right? Only problem being that Jack more than doubted his ability to deal with it... But, to be honest, Ennis getting married to 'she-who-had-not-been-named' seemed in fact impossible, if only because of the heavy guilt he knew Ennis still felt towards Alma for not having loved her as he should have.

Lately though, that thought was coming more and more often to Jack's mind. Only thing keeping him sane was the memory of that damned card of '75; telling himself that if Ennis had wanted to get across that kind of just-leave-me-the-Hell-be-I-m-so-better-off-without-you message, he would have just sent him another brief, life-altering, note — or would have arranged to send him a goddamned perfumed invitation. So after all, no news was maybe good news, huh...

And then, suddenly, Jack decided he was tired of waiting.

5:55.

Something stirred in Jack's mind.

_He won't marry her. He can't. But he won't write either. He won't make the first move. He never has. _

Usually, they agreed before parting on some vague dates for their next trip. Then, as the moment would come nearer, Jack would sent a card, and Ennis would write back confirming the dates and proposing a meeting place, and Jack would answer that it was ok for him too. That's how things had been since, well, since their first trip.

_Shit. What if he's just waiting for a sign from me? Well, fuck him if he is. Why do I always have to be the one to come around! Yeah, but... what if he IS just waiting for a sign from me? Wouldn't that be stupidly funny... the both of us, miles apart, just too proud to send a word, and dying a little more with each day when the mail comes in and there are no postcard... Jeez, those TV guys could make a soap about us. Ok, they'd have to change 'a few things', like the fact that we're both guys, but I'm sure it would be entertaining enough. Lureen would love it, I'm sure. She can't stop watching 'Dallas'. _

He sighed, mentally grumbling.

_Goddamn Ennis, son of a bitch, why can't I just give up on you, huh? I don't know if always being the one fighting for us makes me the strong one or if it makes me the weak one, but I just don't care anymore. I just want you. And I guess in the end, I'm just as stubborn as you, Cowboy, huh..._

Jack wanted to know. He decided he would write. He would know, at least.

_Tomorrow.__  
_


	5. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4: RESOLUTIONS — FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7****TH****, 1983**

**JACK POV**

Jack went back to bed and — surprisingly — fell easily asleep. When he woke up, he could hear Lureen and Bobby taking their breakfast in the kitchen. He joined them and they had their usual family-stuff morning chat, which they all quite enjoyed — probably because they felt that it was one of the only moment they actually _were_ a family —, mostly sharing their plans for the day in order to know at which time dinner should be ready, and if Bobby would eat at home or with some friends the way he often did on Fridays. Indeed, Bobby's plan for the evening was eating out, probably at Mc Donald's as usual, and going to a movie afterwards.

It seemed Lureen had a good day; she was joking with Bobby. It made Jack glad. She was having more and more of those days lately. She was finally getting over LD's death, more than a year ago already. Her relationship with her father had always been quite special: he kind of strangled her and she was always fighting to get free of his reins, but she always sort of needed his approval too, especially about the business. So she had taken his passing badly; but now that his shadow was definitely gone, the old Lureen, the one he had been attracted to in his rodeo days, was coming back.

He couldn't help but give her a quick little kiss on the cheek on his way to the sink to clean his now empty coffee cup. She gave him that look. That look, with a curved left eyebrow: full of surprise, but quite tender. That look she'd given him for years, on the few occasions when he acted somewhat affectionate. Then she smiled a little, winked at him and slapped his butt, telling him to hurry up because a tiny morning kiss wouldn't make up for being late at work — she had an appointment for her annual health check-up and he had promised he would stay at the office in her place today. Yeah, she was definitely having a good day.

Bobby sighed and told them to get a room. Jack couldn't help but think that they wouldn't do a lot more than what they had just done in the kitchen if they were to get a room. Their sex-life had quickly after their marriage been reduced to nearly none, with Lureen getting more and more stressed by running more and more of her father's business, and him not really caring about it anyway. For years now, the touching in bed was generally limited to Lureen falling asleep on his shoulder before rolling over as she slept.

Jack felt bad. Not for himself, but for her. She could be a pain in the ass, but she could also be a real nice, funny, gal, on her good days, and she was really beautiful — no denying possible about that. Jack thought again about setting her free. He had thought about divorcing Lureen twice, in '67 and in '75. Both times he hadn't, because it wouldn't have changed anything with Ennis anyway, and because Bobby was still young, and because Lureen needed him against LD. But now, Bobby was 16, divorcees and divorcees's children were not that rare or outcasted anymore, LD was dead. Whatever Ennis's answer to his postcard would be, it didn't matter any more. He realized he wanted to set her free; not for himself, but for her. She deserved more than he could give. He loved her, in his own way, no doubt, but not as he should, and it wasn't fair.

Bobby stood up and headed out, saying he would be back before 11 o'clock, as usual.

"Lureen, there's something I need to talk to you about."

She gave him a look he couldn't decipher, then nodded absently while putting her now-clean cup back in the cupboard.

"Sure. At dinner. Gotta go now."

And with that, she went out too.

On his way to the office, Jack stopped to buy a postcard. For once, he didn't hesitate when he chose. First one he saw on the postcard tray, and he knew he would send that one. It was exactly the same as his first postcard, the one that had started it all again in '67. Jack couldn't help but hope this was a good omen.

He sat at his desk, deciding he should take advantage of being in the office long enough to actually organize the mess his desk was covered with. He had been driving around a lot lately, visiting old and potential clients.

But first, of course, the postcard. What was he gonna write? How could he put his heart in just a few words, which should also be "normal" enough so that no potential reader would bother to find a meaning behind them... He thought for a while, and though he wasn't really satisfied with what he came up with, he couldn't find anything better, so he just wrote it down.

"Friend. Hope November still stands. Jack."

Then he tried to find a stamp. He knew he had some... somewhere. He definitely needed to put his desk in order, huh.

Lureen called later on, telling him everything looked fine and that she would go work at home when she got back, to save some time. His desk was by then nearly clean, but he still hadn't found any stamps.

"By the way, Lureen, I can't find any stamps here. Where did you put them?"

"Stop looking, I brought them home yesterday to be able to take care of the mail this afternoon."

"Oh. OK. See you when I get home."

He would post his card tomorrow then. The post office was closed already anyway.

When he got home, Lureen was already cooking. He went for a shower, then joined her in the kitchen and set the table. They talked about the day while they ate, then they cleaned up, and Jack made some coffee.

Lureen, always jumping head-first from any cliff, started the talk when he gave her her cup. "So, Jack, what do you want to talk about?"

Jack felt for a few seconds like _he_ was this time the rabbit trying to squeeze into a snake hole with a coyote on its tail, huh. But he had made his decision and would see it through. He didn't really know how he was gonna bring it out though...

"Well... There's something I've been wanting to tell you for some time, Lu. I love you, you know that, right? But—"

"Oh my God... Are we finally gonna have this conversation?"

"Which conversation, Lureen?"

"The one about your 'fishing buddy'. The one about Ennis del Mar."

She knew? _Shit!_

"Yes, Jack, unfreeze; I know. At least, I guess I know. I don't need details, ok. I've always wondered what was so special about Ennis del Mar. Going so far for just a few days? Your obvious growing thrill on the last days before you'd leave, and your 'off' look for another pair of days each time you got back from a trip? But when that postcard came in '75... 'Just to let you know I moved last month (address backside). Alma broke up with me. We just got divorced on the 6th.' I couldn't deny it anymore. Your eyes, Jack. I mean... You looked happier than Bobby on Christmas morning. It didn't fit too good with your 'I'm sure he's down. I have to go for a few days.' ...And the way you looked when you came back 3 days later. I'd never seen you like that, Jack. You were... devastated. It scared me. I must be crazy, but I was kinda glad somewhere when the other postcard came in, less than a week later. 'Change of plan. No camping, for once. Don is lending me his cabin for the week. He says it's the best place ever, to fish or even hunt. I sure hope you'll be able to make it.' I sure hope you'll be able to make it? Come on, I can add one and one and make it two. And I don't remember the address underneath, but I do remember well enough that that night you didn't drink all night through like you had been since you'd got back."

Yeah, she knew.

"You hate me, don't you?"

"No Jack, I don't. I didn't know what to do about it for some time. And of course, I wanted to talk to you, yell at you, hit you, whatever... But you seemed so down, and you started drinking, a lot more than usual, and sure as Hell a lot more than I liked. But the next Thanksgiving, when you not only took my side against Daddy, like you always had, but really put him in his place like that, well, I realized you were still here. You know, for Bobby, and for me. You always had been, and that hadn't changed. So whatever you and Ennis... it didn't matter; at least, it didn't matter as much anymore."

"God, Lu, I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner about it. I should have. That day in '75, I should have. I know that. And I should be ashamed I didn't. But the only thing I could think about by then was packing and leaving as fast as I could." He sighed, the memory hitting him again. "But I don't want to talk about Ennis. To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure there's anything left to say about Ennis. Last trip, we had some words, and, well... you must have noticed that there wasn't a trip in August this year, and that no postcard has arrived in months, huh."

She nodded sadly and took his hand. He shook his head, "I can't talk to you about Ennis, Lu. It just doesn't feel right, you understand? But this, this isn't about Ennis. It's about you. I think we should divorce, Lu. Now. Now that Bobby is old enough, now that your father is gone. Now that you're still young enough to start something new. You don't need me anymore Lureen. And you deserve more than I can give you. I'm not pushing you, I don't plan to go anywhere, I'm not walking out on you or on Bobby, and I like my job and I'm still ready to help you with the business if you need it. But give it a thought, Lu. You're an amazing woman. I want you to have it all, you know. I want you to be happy. Give it a thought, and when you feel ready for it, just let me know, ok?"

Lureen was crying by then, and he took her fragile body in his arms. She just held him, for a long time, then went silent.

"I guess I should thank you, Jack. It means a lot, that you finally wanted to talk about it with me. I was tired of this lie always between us. I'm not sure about the divorce yet. I may not be the perfect wife, but... I love you Jack. I used to wonder, you know, if it was my fault that... you know..."

"Lu..."

"I know, it's stupid. I mean, I know you knew him before you knew me; you told me it was an old buddy you thought lost right before your first trip. But still, I can't say I've been affectionate a lot since Bobby's birth. The thing is, I knew the day I met you that I wanted you. You were so handsome, so funny, so sweet and caring. You're one of the most gentle souls I've ever met. So, you were perfect, so much more what I needed than the boys around here, who treated me like a greek goddess because I was Lureen Fucking Newsome, but who I couldn't help but feel were mostly just after my dad's money. And they would never then stand up for me against him. I wanted you, Jack. You. And to get you...", she sighed, "You're not the only one with a little secret in this house, you know. I mean... Bobby, it wasn't the accident I told you it was. I tricked you, Jack. And after, well, Bobby's birth was difficult, you know that. And there was so much to do for the business. I sure never gave a lot of thoughts about our bedtime afterwards."

"Lu, I didn't ask for more, right? And I guess you guess why. And about Bobby... it doesn't matter now. You know that I love him anyway."

"Yes. Never doubted that. But still, I'm glad it's out." They were both quiet for a bit. "What are we gonna do about Bobby?"

"We'll talk to him when the time comes, no need to rush."

"You're right. Just give me a little time, ok?"

"Of course."

"You know, you should be happy too, Jack. I don't need any details, surely don't, but... I hope things turns out all right for you."

They kept hugging until Lureen decided they should go to bed before Bobby came in and freaked out seeing them both red-eyed. Jack agreed.

"I'm gonna miss sleeping next to you, Jack."

"Ok, come here." He shifted his arm and she crawled onto his shoulder as usual. "But Lu, that's the point, you know. We just sleep."

She mumbled a soft answer he couldn't understand before falling asleep. Jack stared at the ceiling for some time, relieved that things were now straight with Lureen, and kept holding her because her hand was still clutched on his collar and he didn't dare to take it away. Not tonight. She needed his comfort, one more time. It was the least he could do. He heard the door as Bobby came in, though he was trying not to make any noise, and couldn't help but smile somehow. No matter how wrong the basis for their marriage had been, they had been successful on that one: no doubt, they had a good boy...

"Jaaaaaack!"

He woke with a start. Lureen's voice, running up the stairs.

"What the..."

Saturday morning, 09:30. He'd slept in! That hadn't happened in ages. Lureen opened the door and was by his side before he realized it.

"Is Bobby..."

"Yes, of course."

Smiling. Shoving something under his nose.

"I never checked the mail yesterday. I thought you wouldn't mind getting woken up for this!"

A plain white postcard.

_No way._

Only Ennis used those.

_No way._

The world seemed to get slow-motioned as he took it in his hands. But the first few letters he saw were enough; that handwrinting, it was indeed from Ennis. He had to read it several times, though, before it really sank in.

"Jack. How about November 7 for you? I can meet you at Pine Creek. Ennis del Mar."

Jack was stunned. So many feelings coursing through him at once, and he didn't know which one would take the upper hand. Shock. Relief. Joy. He just stayed numb, only one thought repeating itself in his mind — _He wrote? He wrote!_

Jack heard Lureen closing the door on her way out. That sound shook him out of his stupor and he washed up and got dressed in a rush. He had to go out, buy another postcard, and post it. Now. He froze though, when he automatically checked himself in the mirror. There was a grin on his face he hadn't seen in years. Eight years, to be precise. And a kind of twinkle in his eyes too.

_Damn me. Seventeen words on a postcard is all it takes for Dreamy Old Jack to be back, huh. Jeez, am I that easy?_

Well, it looked like he was, and Jack couldn't care right now. He shaved his mustache without giving it a second thought.

On his way out, he found Lureen and hugged her, whispering "Thanks" in her ear. She touched his face, nodding her approval.

"Glad to see you're back, Jack." Then she smiled, putting something in his hand. "Here's a stamp. Just go now. See you for lunch."

Yes, she was an amazing woman.

Jack bought the same postcard as he had the day before. This time, he didn't hesitate; he knew what to write:

"YOU BET."

Then underneath, in small letters:

"Pine Creek = Don's, right? See you there."


	6. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5: A LONG WAIT — MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7****TH****, 1983 **

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis was the first to arrive at Don's cabin, early in the morning, as he had intended to. He was glad; that gave him a lot of things to focus on. Taking care of the horses, emptying his truck, filling the kitchen cupboards, chopping wood and starting the fire to get the cabin at a comfortable temperature... It was easy, automatic, and soothing, keeping his mind off his fucked-up thoughts. Making the bed. That one had been more difficult, and had sure brought back to his conscience at top-speed all the thoughts he'd been trying to keep away.

Truth was, Ennis was afraid. Last week had been hard, he'd awoken one night after a nightmare and hadn't been able to shake himself out of it since. It had gotten worse with each passing day, and he was by now so stressed that he hadn't been able to sleep or keep any food down for long for the last two days. Ennis knew he wasn't sick; he was just tired. And stressed. And tensed. And, yes, afraid.

What if Jack had just been playing with him. What if Jack wasn't coming... Or worse, was coming, but with someone else, wanting to rub Ennis's face in it, an evil happy grin on his face; "Thanks for making the bed, Ennis, how sweet of you."

It made no sense, and Ennis knew it. Jack wasn't like that. Jack wasn't cruel, not even mean — _Not like you, Del Mar, huh?_ —, and not even when he got pissed off or hurt. Sadly, Ennis knew he had pissed him off and hurt him often enough to be sure of that, at least.

Ennis let out a tired sigh, sat on the edge of the bed, and tried to relax, closing his eyes and rolling his head slowly back and forth. Organizing his thoughts. Reminding himself of what he had understood somewhere during those six long months, and what he had come here to do. He would fix this. He had to.

/

First, he had been angry. Just angry. Very angry. At Jack, of course, how could he have done... what he had done. And at himself, for having been so weak. So weak as to unveil the frightening truth he always kept hidden and buried, even from himself most of the time. He hadn't said it, of course, never had, and probably never would, now. But getting jealous enough to declare stupidly that he could kill Jack — _Yeah, sure! Like you wouldn't rather kill yourself!_ And worse, crying like he had, falling to pieces at Jack's feet, reduced to a muddy puddle on the ground... Well, it was saying it enough, huh. And Jack had said it was all right! Ennis had felt like hitting him then, though he hadn't found the strength to do it, 'cause he had been just mush at the time, and all he had been able to do had been cling onto Jack desperately. The worst part, maybe, was knowing that when he had felt Jack's arms close around him and rock him, he had indeed wanted to believe it was all right, wanted them to be all right, wanted far too far November to be all right...

_Weak, so fucking weak._

And then, alone in his pickup, Ennis had just been angry.

"_It's all right!" Fuck him. How could he even dare? Jack and his non-stop walking on clouds. Couldn't he see that this time, it was NOT all right. How could he think it could ever be all right again!_

Ennis couldn't take Jack back in. Jack would never be able to respect him ever again, and Ennis would never be able to respect himself ever again.

So... it was over, right? Stopping the pickup and taking it all out on a tree, using it as a punching bag until his bloodied hands didn't feel anything anymore wouldn't change this fact. Ennis had known it. But it had felt good to give it a try anyway.

Indeed, though, it had been in vain, the pain shooting through his hands unable to lessen the other pain he felt deep inside. Afterwards, Ennis had felt like puking, but nothing had come, just like in '63 — except it was worse this time, 'cause he had been with Jack for nearly twenty years now; and not only a few weeks.

_Well, Del Mar, if you check all the technical details, even after twenty years, it is still only a few weeks. _

_Shut up._

"It's because of you, Jack, that I'm like this. I'm nothing. I'm nowhere."

_Pathetic, you were pathetic._

He realized then that those words might have sounded like blame. Hell, he hoped they had, because as usual, when wounded, he just had to wound back. His survival instinct, a reflex. He knew, though, that he was responsible, of course. There had even been a LONG period where he had secretly hated himself for it all. But he had never hated Jack. As Alma had used to tell the girls when she punished them both for fighting and one of them complained that it was unfair because the other had been starting it all: it took two to tango, right? His life, his choices. He knew, too, that his choices had never been _because of_ Jack, but _for_ Jack. Though Jack would never understand, or agree, and though it seemed now that Jack hadn't really cared anyway. So then, Ennis had wondered if he was going to finally hate Jack. He had wanted too, it would make things so much easier, huh... But of course, he hadn't been able to.

So then had come the hurt. Again. And Ennis had collapsed down against the tree he had just punched, and had just stayed there, feeling broken, empty and lost, for hours. Ennis still remembered how dark the sky had already been when he had finally got back in his pickup and driven home.

Cassie had left a note under his door. He hadn't told her he was going away. For so long.

_Well, I hope she's pissed._

She missed him.

_She isn't pissed._

She wanted to talk.

_I surely don't._ He was afraid he knew what she wanted to talk about, huh.

Maybe next weekend.

_I'm lucky. I have the girls next weekend. I should take them out. I'm sure they'd love to camp._

The tent...

_Just don't think about him, focus on the girls._

Well, the tent was old now, nothing like their new tent, which Jack had bought a few years ago; they'd bought it together on their way to their first unplanned fishing trip. But for one night, it should be enough. He remembered how Junior had asked him once, soon after the divorce, how it felt to sleep outside. And how Jenny, who was still quite young then, had asked in her sweet innocent voice how come he wasn't afraid about spiders and other insects getting into his mouth while he slept. He had laughed, had made the tent up in the yard in front of his house, and the three of them had slept in it. He remembered the girls had seemed really happy the morning after. It had just happened once. He could maybe take them really camping this time, not too far, but in the wild.

He knew it wasn't nice to Cassie, but he couldn't let this go on. She'd started to hope for more, he had to break it off. He knew he should talk to her.

_In two weeks, when I don't have the girls. And if I can't get some extra work in order to not be at home._

He hoped that by the time he ran out of excuses she would already have understood the message. He was too broken now to find the courage to say the things she needed to know right to her face.

_Weak, again. _

He had been able to fool his daughters though, they had been beaming when he had brought them back to Alma after the weekend.

But each day, after closing his door and feeling safe enough to let it all out, Ennis had lived in Hell.

In the beginning he had felt more angry than hurt, and he had actually taken it all out against the poor tree in his yard regularly, knowing he could, because he wore gloves at the ranch nearly all day, so no one would notice.

Then somewhere in May, it had shifted, until all that was left was the hurt. That's when the unpleasant dreams and thoughts had come. Jack, the only person who knew him whole, the only person he felt safe enough to be his true self with. Jack, being involved with... someone else. Nameless, shapeless, always different, someone elses. Again, and again, and again. On a theater screen. In technicolor. And with dolby stereo surround system. Jack shouting a name he couldn't hear but which he knew wasn't his own as he climaxed. Ennis would end up vomiting, or crying, always silently, but constantly, night after night after night, one thought going on and on in his mind like a chorus all the while: "Jack, how could you?" His father's voice above his own voice in his head: "Sissy. You're crying like a sissy." Making Ennis feel even worse, because he couldn't deny it.

Ennis remembered Alma's face, full of both hurt and rage, that evening long ago, when he had learned that she knew, and had known for a while. He had gotten so out of himself that he had actually wanted to hit her for talking about Jack, about them, in that tone. Of course, he hadn't. If someone deserved some blows, it was him, for having put her through all this to begin with, huh. He knew he had always felt bad for Alma, and always would. But now, for the first time, he realized he really understood — _he felt_ — what he might have put her through.

He hoped, though, that the fact that he had been cheating on her with a man and not with a woman had made it easier, 'cause she couldn't compete then. Ennis knew he wasn't really jealous about Lureen; she had met Jack when they had lost each other and thought they would never meet again. They were married, there had to be some stuff happening in the bedroom, but he couldn't blame her nor Jack. He knew too, anyway, that it didn't happen that often.

He wondered about Lureen. Ennis had never suspected that Alma knew, so... Did Lureen know? Jack said she didn't, but would he have a clue if she did? About him. About Mexico. About the foreman's wife in Rutters.

That last one was a puzzle for Ennis. It made no sense. Why would Jack get himself in an affair with another woman? And though Ennis understood and didn't really care about Lureen, he sure didn't like the idea of Jack getting involved with another woman while they had 'their thing'. It bothered him less, though, than Jack being with other men. Ennis was supposed to be THE man, no? He wanted to be the one. The only one. They had their thing, right?

For the rest of the world though, he had been the usual Ennis. Maybe a bit more quiet than normal — if such a thing was possible —, but there hadn't been so much to notice. He worked long hours, and that suited him just fine. It kept his mind somewhat occupied, with the job at hand, and with pretending around the other ranch hands that everything was just normal. He took every extra shift he could; night, weekend, he didn't mind.

One night, after the difficult early birth of two calves, Don, his foreman for about nine years now, and surely not the worse he had worked for, had told him with some kind of understanding in his eyes that humans, unlike cats, had just one life. And that they should make the most of it. Even if other people didn't always agree.

Ennis had felt like he'd been slapped in the face; it was the curse of his life, spoken out loud. Then, of course, Don had translated his theoretical thoughts, saying Ennis shouldn't throw away his chance with Cassie just because his girls weren't happy about it. Alma had remarried, right? And they had got used to it. So they would come around, he should be thinking about himself, and what he wanted.

Cassie must have been talking around about his change of attitude after she had met Junior. Ennis had nearly laughed. He sure wasn't as good as he had thought at hiding his feelings. But if that was the explanation people felt was right, it was fine by him. He could keep brooding and no one would know why.

He had told Don not to worry about him and had escaped quickly. He had collapsed on the floor the moment he had gotten home.

When August had come, it had gotten worse. They had always been together in August, since '67. So now, on top of the hurt, had come the longing.

He often missed Jack between their trips, that wasn't new. But Ennis was used to not dwelling on it; he was used to thinking forward. _Forward._ Focusing on the next postcard, on the next trip, made it all all right, made it all worth it. They couldn't be together for more than those three weeks a year, and he had learned to live with it.

So there would always come moments he would miss Jack's eyes — always so bright, and which always had the power to undo him. Or Jack's smiles. Or Jack's unstoppable constant chatter. Or simply Jack's presence, which always felt like a warm blanket wrapped around him when they were together. He would be busy with something and his mind would slip, letting him in a flash suddenly wonder what Jack was doing at that exact same moment, or how Jack would react to this or that piece of news, etc etc etc. It always made him smile; he felt foolish.

_Del Mar, stop acting like a dreamy girl, for Christ's sake. _

And there would always come moments he would miss Jack's closeness, Jack's scent, Jack's taste, Jack's body. He would jerk himself off, taking his time, reliving behind closed eyelids some of their most precious moments, and at last always imagining Jack in Texas doing the exact same thing at the exact same time, everything so vivid in his mind he could swear he could smell Jack and hear his gasps, his moans and his usual little pleas, imagining them coming together. Together, even while miles apart. Those little moments had always been part of his life, since '63. Being with Alma, or Cassie, hadn't changed the fact that he needed those thoughts of Jack to feel really satisfied, while they were apart. His father's voice would speak to him afterwards. Just one word, always the same: "Pervert".

But Ennis had got used to it. He was for years now even able to answer "Shut up, Dad" before falling asleep. He had made his peace with their 'thing' at some point, after his divorce.

It was all because Jack was Jack.

He didn't love men, he loved Jack, who happened to be a man. Women were not less attractive because they were women, but because they were NOT Jack.

He realised well enough that his reasoning was a bit biased and still wouldn't think too much about it, and even less about what it meant, and about what it made of them, what it made of him. But it had become somewhat easier.

He still hated himself for it all, but at least he didn't have to lie or try to be someone else with Alma anymore. He was single, but he had 'an excuse'; he was divorced. Better, Alma had wanted to divorce.

He cherished Alma, always had, always would, and she had given him two wonderful daughters. But he couldn't be what she needed him to be. And she couldn't be what — _who_ — he wanted her to be. He had promised though, so he had tried to play his part the best he could, and he had felt sad when she had ended it, knowing that he had failed her. He knew he would have never ended it himself, if only because, well, he had promised. So she had ended both their misery, and surely their daughter's too, 'cause all their bickering mustn't have been that nice to witness. But to be honest, somehow, he was glad too about the divorce. Now, he could stay single and keep his dark secret, no one knew and no one would know. It would just look as though he couldn't get over it or something like that.

He had freaked out when he had discovered some months later that Alma knew, and had for months felt like the whole world knew too, but nothing had happened and he had understood that he should stop worrying about Alma. She would never tell, if only for the girls' sake. So no matter how bad it must have felt for Alma, he could trust her to keep his secret untold.

So missing Jack wasn't new. What was new, and hurt even more than the rest, was the fierce intensity of it, 'cause it was over, right? That day at the beginning of August when Ennis had realized it, something he thought impossible had happened: his Hell had turned worse.

He missed Jack, in his mind, in each fiber of his body, the ache both mental and physical, quickly turning unbearable, 'cause there was nothing he could do this time to soothe it away. There was no postcard and no trip to look forward to. He couldn't see Jack's smiles, or hear Jack's non-stop chatter anymore. Since April, all he could see and hear were Jack's angry, dart-firing eyes and hurting, poisoned words. And he couldn't find any release either, only sight behind his closed eyelids since their parting being Jack with those nameless someone elses, turning his most precious memories into a big fucking lie, and leaving no space for hope of new memories to be made.

Ennis barely ate or slept; he hardly felt alive anymore. Even seeing his daughters wasn't lighting him up anymore; at least, not as much as it normally did. He couldn't stop thinking about Jack, even knowing each time just felt like a knife plunging and twisting in his guts. Again, and again, and again. He'd thought he'd finally gone crazy one day in September, when he had realized that he didn't really want that pain to stop either, 'cause it was the only thing from Jack he had left.

And that's when Jack's voice had come to him.

"The truth is... sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it."

He had forgotten those words from their last night by the campfire. They'd been kind of erased by all the other words, angry words, which had come the morning after. He had at the time thought they were just 'silly sweet' words. Jack would let slip some from time to time. Ennis was never at ease with them and could never answer in kind, but God knew he always felt thankful and nicely warmed-up when it happened.

Now, he understood that they hadn't been romantic words. They had been words of hurt, of desperate longing. He realized that those words had the same meaning as the harsh words of the following day.

"You count the damn few times that we have been together in nearly 20 years and you measure the short fucking leash you keep me on. And then you ask me about Mexico and you tell me you'll kill me for needing something I don't hardly never get! You have no idea how bad it gets!"

Now that Ennis missed Jack, soul and body, and was refused release, he realized how bad it could get indeed. Ennis realized he'd had the easy part. It had always been easy for him to satisfy his needs, thoughts of Jack and his own hand were always enough when it came to that. Jack's center of needs was mostly... not as easy to satisfy on his own.

"I wish I knew how to quit you."

Jack's words didn't seem as harsh as before while replaying in his head now; they sounded soothing. 'Cause that was the point: Jack didn't know how to quit him, right? Jack still wanted him. Only him. Jack always mentioned those sweet dreams of his. It had gotten more evasive and less frequent those last years, as if Jack had finally resigned himself to the fact that Ennis would never go along. But Jack would always, at some point, let a little something slip to let Ennis know he still wished for it all nevertheless.

And Jack always drove. All those long hours. Just for a few days with him. Ennis didn't need a map. Mexico wasn't as far as wherever they usually went. But Jack never complained, never ever mentioned it. And the way those eyes would always light up each time Ennis arrived, as if just seeing him could turn some candles on in their depths. Ennis lived for that first look, trip after trip after trip.

Ennis thought about Jack. No matter what mood he was in, Jack always talked, sooner or later.

But he had never mentioned anything before, well, before the end. Ennis wondered then when it had started becoming too much, and why Jack had never hinted about it becoming too much. Had he been ashamed? Had he been afraid Ennis would call him names? Ennis flinched. He could hear his own voice, full of disgust.

"I hear what they got in Mexico for boys like you".

Yeah, "like you". Not "like us". And surely not "like me".

_Like you're not... whatever you are, because you're the one usually on top? Dream on. And you surely don't have a problem with Jack being a 'boy like that' when you're thrusting and losing yourself inside him, right?... Del Mar, you REALLY are an asshole, you know. _

Ennis knew he could turn harsh quite easily. He knew Jack knew it too. But Jack couldn't have been afraid of Ennis calling him names if they had talked, even if Ennis didn't agree. Well, ok, not actually talked; they never talked about 'that thing'. But a comment sneaked in by Jack would have been enough, huh. It made no sense. Jack knew what he meant to him... right?

_Shit._

It had just clicked.

_Shit._

Maybe Jack didn't know. At least, not for sure. Ennis hadn't given that many clear signs.

_Be honest, for once; none!_

Jack could always read him so well. Ennis had just assumed Jack knew, so he had never bothered to mention things he didn't like to dwell upon anyway. Not even after...

_Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit._

His divorce.

He had told himself everything had come back to 'normal' with their next trip — longer silences or somewhat downwards looks from time to time, but nothing too big he'd thought. But now, he realized something he hadn't really wanted to see. That the spark he always saw in Jack's eyes hadn't shone as bright afterwards as it had used to before. That something had died in Jack's eyes on that long-ago November day... And a mustache had grown above Jack's lips. Ennis had even joked about it.

_Damn me._

Ennis could curse himself. For not having paid enough attention. For having inconsciously somehow chosen NOT to see behind the mask Jack had worn for him. He should have known. And for not realizing how wrong he had been all those years. He had wanted to keep them safe, to keep _Jack_ safe. That had always been his top priority. That's how he could go on with only those few trips a year: if it wasn't enough for the world to notice, they would be safe. _Jack_ would be safe.

But now, Ennis realized that he hadn't got quite the result he had wanted. On the contrary. What he had gotten was Jack taking trips to Mexican prostitutes, probably in streets that you couldn't qualify as 'safe' and in which his throat could have been sliced quickly in exchange for his wallet; in streets where anyone from Texas could see him. Just one sight of him and people would know. And when people knew, they always talked, huh. Sooner or later, it would spread around and get into the wrong ears and... Yeah, Ennis could see now how ridiculous in fact it all was. He had always wanted to keep Jack safe, but all he had done was make it more dangerous. While focusing on closing the front door, he hadn't thought about the back door, nor about the windows...

Don's words came back to his mind. He had just one life, he should try to make the most of it. Whatever people might think. More important, whatever he might think. Yes, Jack had given himself to other men. But he would surely never have if Ennis hadn't been so tight-assed and blind to begin with. And yes, Jack had seen Ennis cry like a baby at his feet. So what? Neither being proud and deciding 'their thing' was over nor being scared about what others might think would make things better, would make the tears and losing his stomach and the burning, aching need for Jack disappear.

Ennis thought about Jack. Jack was proud, sure loved to brag and show off — even if he bragged more about what he wasn't really good at than about what he was, which Ennis always found sort of endearing. But Jack wasn't proud to the point of being dumb. Ennis had punched him in '63, and Jack had come back. Ennis had said no, always no, to whatever Jack had been asking since '67, and Jack had come back, trip after trip after trip. Ennis had nearly destroyed him, that fateful day in '75, and Jack had come back. Ennis knew he had never thought less of Jack for always coming back... On the contrary, he had always been grateful for it all. He realized, too, that Jack was truly brave; he knew what he wanted, and he fought for it. No matter how often he was thrown to the ground, he kept fighting. He was indeed a true bull rider.

_And you must be the most stubborn bull he ever rode — and I really ain't joking here._

So here was the choice. Ennis could be dumb, proud, and scared, and stay pathetic for the rest of his life. Or Ennis could DO something. It was now or never. And if he had to fight for something important one fucking time in his life, it should be now, huh.

_Fuck being proud, Del Mar. Be brave. You don't wanna be a sissy anymore, like you've been for months, then swallow it all and DO something, for once._

There had to be some way, even if he still couldn't grant Jack the sweet life he longed for. He would find a way, a way to make it enough, at least, again. He hoped it wasn't too late. He had been blind for so long.

They had parted in April. It was now nearly the end of September. What if Jack had gotten tired of waiting for any sign in between. And Jack hadn't sent any card either.

_Shit again._

Ennis remembered some of his own words: "Why don't you just let me be, huh?"

Had he really said that? Had he really been _that_ fucking stupid? What if Jack had taken him at his words and had finally given up on him, right then?

_And worse... _

"I just can't stand this anymore, Jack."

Now, Ennis knew: yes, he had been _that_ fucking stupid. He hadn't been thinking straight, he had been just too hurt and too angry and too lost, and the world had been spinning and spinning around him, and he had thought he couldn't deal with anything anymore and had cried out instinctively for Jack because he was the only one who could stop that nauseating spinning and spinning. But that one must have come down really hard. Too hard. He realized that in Jack's ears, those words must have sounded like the end, if all the rest hadn't already.

So. What if Jack since had found someone else, for real. Someone who wasn't as fucked-up and as fucking scared as he was. Someone who could dream, as Jack could. That would be the worst of all. If those big deep blue eyes were lighting up from within for someone else. If those warm soft lips smiled in that little particular way to someone else; not Jack's trademark big smile or playful grin, but the more rare, soft, goofy, dreamy half-smile, the one you had to work to get...

_The one you haven't seen for awhile either..._

Shit, he really had been blind. What if there was no 'foreman's wife' in Rutters, but just a foreman? Ennis realized he had just entered another Hell.

And that was one Hell too many, and one he couldn't live with. Because if he'd been blind for so long, now he could see, and he could guess good enough that he wouldn't be able to live long asking himself every day if it wasn't just because he had done nothing, as always, that he never got to see Jack again.

So the next morning, Ennis had asked Don if he could get a few days off after all. Don had agreed, telling him he should take some rest. Don had even offered to let him use the cabin. When his work at the ranch was done, Ennis had bought and sent his card. He couldn't wait anymore. He had to know. He had to fight. At least he would have tried. Jack would know, even if it was too late.

It had felt like he was holding his breath until Jack's answer had arrived. Then Ennis had started to feel alive again.

YOU BET.

He had even smiled. Jack had used his own words of so long ago. They had another start. They had another chance. And Ennis had promised himself he wouldn't hide behind his fears and his pride and his ideas of what was right and wrong anymore.

Comfortable or not, he would listen, really listen, and he would speak, really speak. Hell, he even thought he would be able to beg, if necessary.

/

Ennis heard a truck. It had to be Jack's; the cabins were quite far from each other. He checked the time, automatically. Past noon already. Yeah, could fit, huh.

Jack was here. Ennis let out a sigh, telling himself again he had to fix this. He could fix this. He would fix this.

He went to the door.


	7. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER ****6: A MOMENT OF TRUTH — MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7****TH****, 1983**

**JACK POV**

When Jack arrived at the cabin, he could see that Ennis had been there for quite some time already. The horses he had brought — and that was a good sign — were already well tended-to. And the chimney was smoking. Jack secretly wondered if the bed was already made as well, remembering how sweetly Ennis had welcomed him the last time they had been here...

Normally, on the first day of their 'fishing trips', after the initial long, sweet bear hug they always shared, there was no touching. Ennis would call him "Jack Fucking Twist", sometimes "Rodeo", Jack would answer in kind with "Son of a bitch", or "Cowboy". They would hold each other, squeeze real close, breathe each other in, lose themselves in each other's eyes; then reluctantly pull away and take care of camp business, knowing they were both hard and desperate for more, but not doing anything about it, for hours, because, well, meeting places had to be easy to find, so there was no guarantee that no one else would happen by.

Until night fell. Then Jack would get closer, and after some time Ennis would finally feel comfortable enough to huskily let out his first "Come here"; lead him into the tent and take him hurriedly, whispers of "God, Jack" and "Yes, Ennis" filling the privacy of their shelter. Their first night was always about quick, and raw; hours of denying themselves while so close to each other after so long apart making it impossible to hold back any longer than necessary — though, since '67, Ennis still always took some time first fingering Jack, even on their first night.

Come morning, they would then move the camp to a place which was 'in the middle of nowhere' enough for Ennis's tastes and have a truly blissful free time for the rest of the week.

So Jack had been really surprised, that December of '75, when Ennis, before Jack could even get out one word of greeting, had shoved him against the wall and had been all over him right away, hushing out quickly "Glad you're here" before worshipping his body for quite a long time...

But the odds of anything like that happening today were surely not that high...

_Damn, don't get all hopeful. He surely needs to talk. Funny, I never thought I'd put 'Ennis' and 'talking' about 'our thing' in the same sentence one day — so who knows how that would turn out, huh? Or he's gonna finally lose it when he sees me and knock my sorry ass into next week. Probably next month too. _

Ennis was so close. Jack just had to get inside. Simple, right? But Jack was kinda panicking now, wondering for the zillionth time what he should say; and still finding no clue whatsoever. So he wanted to stay in the truck, just a little longer; hoping the right words would finally pop into his mind if he just waited long enough.

_Yep, and while you're dreaming, don't forget to wish for a whiskey spring!_

He let out a sigh, took his bag, and started to walk uneasily towards the door.

He made it as far as the stairs.

Then the door opened, and Ennis appeared.

Six months. It had been six months. They hadn't been that long apart since '67. And they had never parted before with such hurting, angry words. Six awful, long months, all forgotten in a blur, as though they just didn't matter anymore, erased by that simple undeniable fact: Ennis was here.

And — as always — that was enough to make the rest of the world vanish as Jack felt the usual punch in his gut that he'd come to crave. The punch he felt each time they reunited after months apart. The punch that told him each time that it was all worth it, that what he was feeling was still true, and still strong. The punch that always suddenly left him all warmed-up inside, and unable to concentrate on anything other than this need, this urge — to get close, until they both became one again.

Ennis was here. Leaning against the doorframe, watching him with unreadable eyes, not looking so comfortable either, and averting those eyes to the ground after some time, and Jack couldn't help but find that his posture was just that little bit different than normal — that he seemed worn-down. And Jack wondered how many sleepless nights there must have been to make Ennis — his strong Ennis — seem so tired.

So Jack just lost it and unconsciously let his bag fall to the stoop as he launched himself forward, nearly knocking Ennis off his feet, bringing them both inside, hearing the door close behind them as they hit the wall.

Jack felt home. His arms squeezing tight around Ennis, his hands desperately clutching big handfuls of the back of Ennis's shirt, his face buried deep in Ennis's neck, breathing Ennis in, in, in, getting intoxicated again with that familiar scent he had missed oh so much, and with the knowledge that he was now finally back, right where he belonged.

Ennis was holding him back tightly, one arm around his waist, one arm around his neck. And then, Jack heard the three usual words in his ears: "Jack Fucking Twist". But Ennis's voice was full of too many mixed emotions. So much more than the usual genuine, kinda tender, joking tone which Ennis used as a greeting; amazement, relief, joy, need, pain.

_Yes, pain_.

Jack's heart just broke. He couldn't answer in kind with his own usual "Son of a bitch". Not today. He just held Ennis tighter.

Jack could see the the materials from his sleeve and Ennis's back, one against the other, and he realized suddenly how much they said. His own, as always plain and colourful, showing the world how open, easy to read, lively and a bit show-off he could be. And then Ennis's. Ennis never wore plain shirts, even when he wasn't wearing working shirts. Ennis's shirts always had a pattern: small or big squares, thin or bold lines. Ennis wore his walls on his chest.

_Like a cage. No one gets in, and you can't come out._ _One day, maybe, you'll allow me to take you out of it; but now, all I ask for is for you to let me in. Again._

Jack used to have the key. He had always been able to get inside. He hoped he still could. He wanted to. He needed to. And suddenly, Jack knew what he wanted to say.

"God, Ennis. I wasn't sure..."

_I was so scared I'd never get to see you again_.

"I'm so fucking sorry. So fucking sorry. There are no words, Cowboy. No words to tell you how fucking sorry I am."

Squeezing, clutching, never wanting to let go. He had been too close. Too close to losing this. Too close to losing _him_.

Ennis just held him back tight, whispering softly "I know, Jack, I know", brushing his chin gently against Jack's temple or in Jack's hair.

After a while, Jack disentangled himself from Ennis. And then Ennis's fingers were on his face, thumb running lightly down his cheek, then above his mouth, brushing softly the little mole on the left which had been hidden for so long.

"You shaved it."

A whisper; matter of factly yet in a tone unable to hide some kind of gratitude, and Jack realized Ennis had figured out that it had never been about fashion, or whatever else he had first thought it to be.

"Yeah", Jack simply whispered back, a little shy smile on his face, but feeling mostly happy.

"It's nice. It's like... before, huh..."

Then the fingers disappeared and Ennis averted his eyes, like he always did when he thought he had said too much.

Jack sighed softly. "You know, you should have said... something... if..."

"Wasn't my place."

_Jesus, Ennis, whose place then? Can't you ever get a clue! _

Jack reached down and took Ennis's hands in his own, brushing lazy circles with his thumb on the inside of Ennis's wrists, just like he knew Ennis liked.

Jack particularly loved this simple act; he knew he surely shared the knowledge of Ennis's other sensitive spots with Alma and 'whatever-her-name-was', but he was pretty sure this one was his, and his only: it was a spot SO accessible that it was easily not considered as a possible soft spot — and judging by the embarrassed chuckle and blush he had gotten from his Cowboy the _second_ time he had used this just-new-learned trick, on purpose, Ennis obviously hadn't known how sensitive he was right there before Jack had made him realize it, huh...

Jack remembered in a flash when he had discovered how this little innocent touch was pulling on Ennis's strings, that Spring night a few years ago near the campfire. Jack had been talking about Bobby for quite some time. They were sitting close to each other, on camping chairs for the first time — _God, we ARE getting old!_ — and at some point, Jack, while talking, had felt his hand brush accidentally against Ennis's as they had apparently both aimed for the bottle at the same time, and had without thinking intertwined their fingers together... And Ennis had just let it happen.

There had been no drinking afterwards; Jack had just kept talking, feeling stupidly happy and warm, holding Ennis's hand, letting his thumb run softly from the side of Ennis's thumb to Ennis's inner wrist and back, again and again, the motion getting automatic, staying each time longer and longer brushing Ennis's pulse, loving the way Ennis's skin was soft there, compared to Ennis's strong, firm hands. And Ennis had just closed his eyes and relaxed, and had quietly listened to him, cutting in briefly from time to time to say how his girls were acting the same, or exactly the opposite, as Bobby. Until after some time he hadn't been talking at all anymore, and he had gotten sort of... fidgety, finally ushing out one whispered "Jack" which had zinged right through Jack's spine.

And Jack had felt blessed, 'cause that had been another of Ennis's little secrets revealed.

And he had felt dumb, 'cause he could have slapped his forehead for not having thought about it before. It just made sense, knowing how Ennis would sometimes just give far too much attention to his own damn arms and hands when he was in the mood to feast on any inch of Jack's flesh he could get — until of course Jack decided he couldn't take it any longer, rolled them over until he was on top, and impaled himself on Ennis greedily.

And Jack had felt hungry, huh. And when he had brought Ennis's wrist to his mouth and had let his tongue play there a little, slow and soft under Ennis's jacket, Ennis had nearly moaned, and then whispered his soft but damn undeniable, irresistible, "Come here", the one that always turned Jack's insides to mush. And when their eyes had met, the fire in them had been burning brighter than the campfire, you bet.

So Jack smiled shyly now, feeling Ennis relax as usual at the simple brushing gesture. It amazed him sometimes, the power he had over this man. _His_ man.

He kept his voice low, barely a whisper. "Bullshit, Ennis. Of course it was your place. It IS your place." He saw Ennis's jaw twitch and sighed, knowing he was entering forbidden waters. But this time, he just HAD to go on. "All the rest... It never meant anything, Ennis. Never."

Ennis shook his head, shortly but firmly, commanding 'Don't' in the universal silent way as he kept looking down. But surprisingly, there was still no "Jack..." to be heard, spoken in that painful yet authoritative tone Ennis always used when he got too uncomfortable with Jack getting too close to saying words he didn't want to hear. So Jack took the plunge, needing to finally say _something_ aloud after all those years, and after all they had just gone through, and unable to not let it out right now.

"I'm yours, Cowboy. I've always been yours. And yours only."

Jack heard Ennis's sharp intake of breath as his words echoed around them. But Ennis still wasn't trying to escape, and Jack wasn't gonna miss the opportunity to say as much as he would be allowed.

"And I want to be yours. I need to be yours..." His voice turned pleading now, but Jack couldn't care. "Tell me, Ennis. Tell me that I'm still yours."

Ennis bent his head even lower, and all there was was silence for some too-long seconds.

_Come on, Ennis. Open the damn cage. _

Jack kept brushing Ennis's wrists softly; waiting, wanting, needing Ennis to finally say or do something, anything, for once.

_Just one time, God, please, just this time_.

Ennis's eyes finally came up again to meet Jack's. His voice was so low — even lower than his usual mumbling — and hesitant, it came out more like a question than a statement: "Mine, huh..."

Jack let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and moved closer, brushing more strongly at Ennis's pulse. He lost himself in Ennis's gaze, wanting Ennis to see it all clearly in his eyes. What he wouldn't say. What Ennis wouldn't hear. And Jack nodded, his voice just as low as Ennis's had been, but assured.

"Yes. Yours." Jack inhaled deeply, as if that little word had filled the air with the most delightful fragrance, and couldn't help but confess, still holding Ennis's gaze, "Feels right, huh..." Then he smiled, tilting his mouth upwards and close, so close to Ennis's lips. "Tell me. Again."

And this time, Ennis growled.

"Mine."

Ennis attacked Jack's mouth desperately, bringing his hands to Jack's cheeks, holding him close, diving deep in Jack's mouth, and it felt even more frantic than in '67. Jack just let Ennis kiss him as long, as deep, as hard as he needed, let Ennis reclaim him as his, being just pliant and giving back as hard as he could but not fighting Ennis's lead, willing himself totally into Ennis's power.

They stumbled towards the bedroom, shirts and undershirts and shoes getting off and lost on their way, a melody of needy, soothing "Yours" echoed by needy, possessive "Mine" each time their lips had to part to take in some air. Ennis's hands were everywhere, just that bit harder and that bit more desperate than usual; and Jack loved it, loved the way they were telling him how much Ennis had been tortured too, thinking he would never be allowed this anymore. Telling him how bad he had been missed, and how bad he was needed just now.

And then they were by the bed, which had indeed been made, and he heard the thud Ennis's pants made when they hit the floor, and the stumbling of Ennis's feet freeing themselves from his jeans, and the 'cling' his own belt made when Ennis's hands opened it. And then Jack found himself half pinned across the bed, his legs still on the ground, as Ennis let himself fall on top of him, and then slid down between his legs, taking the rest of Jack's clothes off swiftly on his way.

Jack just surrendered, giving total control to Ennis, savoring Ennis's possessive, gripping touch and near-bites; needing to be possessed, needing to be reclaimed, chanting "Yours, Ennis, yours" over and over when Ennis's mouth got too busy to keep hushing out the litany of desperate "Mine" while licking and kissing and nibbling all the way down Jack's shivering body. Until Ennis's hungry, desperate mouth closed around him, working fast up and down, and Jack couldn't keep it in.

"God, Ennis, this, never, just yours, yours, yours."

Another growl could be heard then, but Jack knew it had been right to tell, and it had been soothing to hear, 'cause a moment later, one, and then two of Ennis's fingers were blissfully stretching him.

Then, as Jack had guessed he would, Ennis flipped him over, fingers still working as he let his damn-perfectly-knowing-him mouth nibble Jack's neck, then lick a path down Jack's back, stopping just a little longer on the way to play with Jack's sensitive secret spot, the one no one else knew, and Jack felt higher still, another song of "Yes, there, Ennis, yours" escaping his lips now.

Soon Ennis's hands gripped his hips hard and brought him down into his lap, and Jack just clutched the sheets tight for support, knowing what was coming, hearing Ennis spit, a sound he hadn't heard for several years since Ennis seemed to prefer to use lube, but which was just what he needed to hear right now, and not even a second later, Ennis entered him with another growled "Mine", filling him up perfectly, as always.

And it was fast. And it was raw. And it was possessive, Ennis letting out a throaty "Mine" with each thrust. But Jack loved it, even asked "Harder". And had to let out his last confession.

"Yes, Ennis. Yours, all yours, just yours, yours, yours."

Ennis's right hand reached around his waist and started stroking Jack's cock in the same frantic rhythm as his hips. And Jack came, hearing Ennis gnarl behind him a few seconds later. The same sound as their first night. And it seemed to Jack that each piece of their shattered puzzle was falling back into the right place.

After a while, Ennis let go of him and sat on the ground, leaning back against the bed. Jack just sat next to him, letting his head fall against Ennis's shoulder, and they were both silent for another while.

Jack felt like laughing. Here they were, in a neat cabin, with a comfy bed, and they still couldn't help but do it on the floor. And said bed was now invitingly open, Jack having pulled quite hard on the covers while hanging on, but they were still sitting on the floor. But the thing was, Jack couldn't care; they were together, again, and that was all that mattered in the end.

Ennis's voice shyly broke the silence, whispering, "I'm real glad you came."

Jack's heart just stopped. He forced himself to stay quiet and unmoving, knowing Ennis wouldn't feel comfortable if their eyes should meet after this tiny little admission. And the only thing Jack could reply with was "And I'm real glad you wanted me to come."


	8. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7: CONFESSIONS — MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7****TH****, 1983**

**JACK POV**

A few minutes of uneasy silence later, Ennis spoke again, this time in his casual, normal tone.

"Let's get in bed, huh. It's getting cold."

Jack nodded and they sat down against the headboard, pulling the covers over themselves. Jack cuddled close again, still not daring to speak, yet knowing he probably should.

After a while, Ennis surprised him once more by being again the first to talk as he mumbled, keeping his eyes low, fixed on his hands, resting on the covers, "Let's just... not talk, huh..."

In Ennis's mouth, those words couldn't be surprising, of course. But there was a painful edge to them, and Jack heard, as loud as if it had been shouted, all that Ennis wouldn't say. All those sleepless nights, wondering what it had been. Undeniable — 'cause Jack had left no doubt on that one in April — and bad enough, what Jack had allowed 'them' to do. Worse, what he might have given back. Had he touched them? Had he whispered and moaned? Worst, how he might have liked it…

Jack knew how bad it had felt, these last months, when thoughts of the happily-ever-after life Ennis and 'she-who-had-not-been-named' could have had been vivid enough to make him feel sick — Ennis, happy, without him. Even though Jack had kept repeating to himself that if it was Ennis's choice then he would respect it, because he wanted Ennis to be happy, no matter what, it had still hurt like Hell, you bet. Because, simple truth be told, he wanted Ennis to be happy _with him_, huh. But — unlike Ennis — at least, somehow, he hadn't really _believed_ in those thoughts: Ennis could decide to keep him out of his life — and that really credible idea had been Jack's most frequent and most torturous waking nightmare, you bet — but Ennis would NOT remarry, neither with that nurse wannabe, nor with anyone else.

So Jack could guess that Ennis's sleepless nights must have been far more agonizing than his own, and couldn't just drop it as asked. He had to answer all those questions he knew Ennis would never ask. Because no matter how unbearable the truth was, it was probably by far less horrific than all the pictures or stereo-sound movies which must have plagued Ennis's mind. He covered Ennis's hand with his own, not daring to intertwine their fingers because he didn't know if Ennis would allow it, fixing his eyes on a thin blue vein there on his skin for some time, in order to gather the courage to speak up.

"If that's what you really want... But there's one thing you should know Ennis, at least. I always used rubbers; and it wasn't about hygiene, huh, you know... And all the stuff that's part of this…"

A_ll that really matters, all that really give some sense to it, all that makes it more than what it is…_

"Well... it was never there."

Ennis looked away, but he still wasn't moving or cutting in; saying he should go take a shower, take a look at the horses, prepare something to eat or anything else. On the contrary. Ennis sort of shifted, trying to sit even more straight up against the headboard, and let out a really long, deep breath. And suddenly, he stretched the fingers of his hand open, and Jack watched, amazed, as his own fingers slid between Ennis's, as if it was the most natural thing for them to do. Jack closed his fingers tight back under Ennis's hand, until he could feel Ennis's palm, and was rewarded as Ennis's fingers also closed around his, keeping them locked together. Ten intertwined knuckles. Theirs. The sweetest picture Jack had ever seen. So Jack knew he was allowed to keep talking. And he decided to just go with the flow and let it all out.

"I got crazy last April. Those things I said... I wanted to hurt you."

_Didn't matter at that moment that I was hurting myself too._

"I won't say that what I said wasn't true. But I sure made it sound worse than the truth. I mean..." He looked up into Ennis's sad eyes, needing to heal what he felt might have been one of the worst things he had said, "I sure damn never regretted Brokeback, Ennis."

_Never regretted you._

"I wasn't lying about it never being enough, but even how too-short it always feels... well, you know..."

_It's still worth it, somehow_.

Jack sighed and let his eyes and voice get lower again.

"It started... after your divorce."

Ennis's hand tightened, holding the comforting grip long enough for Jack to understand that Ennis had already figured this one out sometime during his sleepless nights in the last six months.

"That day..."

_I knew you were hurting too. But…_

"You just let me go."

_You knew I was broken, but you just let me go._

"You could have asked me to wait for you somewhere else, or to come back later, I wouldn't have minded. You could have asked me to join you and the girls for a drink or an ice or... anything."

_Anything would have been better than what it just felt, 'cause it felt like you were rejecting me._

"Fifteen hours of driving, just to have you send me back away after what... 10 fucking seconds?"

_It felt like I was... just an unimportant, cheap thing on the side._

Jack sighed. "So that's the first time I went, you know... South. I guess I wanted to hurt you back. Or prove to myself that I didn't need you. Probably a mix of the two." He paused, deciding to leaving it at that but unable not to think back painfully on how he had followed some 'tourists' on the streets and watched as they went into a dark alley — it had looked... simple; so yeah, after a while... Jack shook his head, chasing the ghosts away, and the reality of Ennis's fingers around his own gave him the strength to go on with his confession. "And later... Only in the winter. You know I never liked winters, even... before. Just so damn _long_, huh."

_And now, on top of it all, there was that bitter voice, which had gotten into my mind when you let me leave without a word in front of your house, and which I never succeeded in shutting up afterwards, no matter how hard I wanted to. That bitter voice, telling me I was just a toy, to pass the time when you, and only you, wanted it; easy to take out and play with for a while, and just as easy to throw back away in the closet where it belonged. That bitter voice, telling me I was stupid, and foolish for yearning and pining for you, while you didn't give a real damn._

"My first impulse was always to go to you. I even thought for a while about divorcing Lureen and getting a job on a ranch near Riverton. But I figured it wouldn't change anything anyway..."

_And I couldn't have you rejecting me again. _

"Besides, Lureen and Bobby needed me around still."

There was silence for a few seconds, then Jack continued. "Last April, when we were saying goodbye, I recognized your body language."

_All nervous, looking ready to kick the ground. And gnawing at your nail. And looking at the damn pick-up door instead of me. I sure hated it._

"And of course, you confirmed I had read you right, telling me there would be no trip in August. And after that bit earlier about your 'good-looking little gal over in Riverton'..." He sighed. "Hell, it just felt like too much. Too much like '75."

_Too much like the bitter voice in my head had been right all along._

"And I lashed out. Couldn't stop myself."

Jack kept his head down still, watching their hands, knowing Ennis would not feel comfortable with his next words. "But then... you broke, Ennis. You just broke. I swear I never saw that one coming. You're always so damn strong, Cowboy, keeping nearly everything hidden and bottled-up inside..."

_So, well, it sort of proved to me that_..._that what I knew all along, but couldn't believe anymore from time to time… that it was true. _

Jack breathed deeply in, then out, and brought his eyes back up to meet Ennis's. "So, well, since then... I've felt better. Like, you know... cured." Jack smiled shyly, encouragingly, and nodded, wanting to be certain this was getting in every corner of Ennis's mind. "Yeah, cured."

_Missing you is still awful, but it's easier..._ _'cause I know you miss me too. _

"Not that I didn't feel low these last months. I mean... you said a few things that were pretty hard up there too." Ennis squeezed his fingers tighter once more, as if he could guess exactly which words Jack meant and felt like apologizing silently. "But, well, I had to wait, 'till November, like you had said, huh. And then I got your card..." Jack couldn't refrain a little smile. "I had to read it at least twenty times before I realized it was real..."

Silence got between them again. But it wasn't a bad or awkward one anymore. Jack was just worn out by all he had just said. He surely hadn't thought he would go on that long. And he surely hadn't thought Ennis would be ready to absorb it all that soon, and that easily, without cutting in, without escaping. Ennis was still not talking, but he was holding Jack's hand tight. Hell, he had been holding it tight all along...

"So, huh... since April..."

Jack just nodded and "mmmed" while meeting Ennis's gaze again. Ennis now just seemed embarrassed, and kind of stumbled over his question, as if he wanted it out quickly, before he could get too afraid to ask, and lowering his eyes once more.

"Not even with... this wife in Rutters or something?"

Jack chuckled tiredly. "God, Ennis, that's one of the stupidest thing I ever said in my life."

Jack remembered nearly spilling it all that last night, simply because he had felt slapped in the face by Ennis's talk about that waitress in Riverton — he sure had been hoping for a really different answer when he had asked, nearly teasingly, how came Ennis hadn't remarried, huh. But this 'kind of' lie had gotten out instead. About Randall, of course, but that hadn't been all of it. That hadn't even been the heart of it. Randall, Mexico, it was nearly the same deal; the only difference being the shorter distance, making it easier to just surrender to his needs. The truth was, he had talked about a woman, just to see how Ennis would take it.

"I can't believe you bought it."

_Come on, if I needed a woman, I already had Lureen, huh._

"The thing is... You'd never mentioned anyone to me; no one since Alma. And there, out of the blue, you were telling me you'd had someone for some time already."

_It sure didn't seem that serious. I mean, you didn't even give me her name or seem to know what she really wanted to do with her life anyway. But it still felt... bad._

"So that kinda... blurted out. I was glad though; you didn't seem to like the idea of me with another woman either." Jack waited, for some long, awful seconds, but Ennis kept silent, not giving him any clue, and he so damn much needed to know. "So... you're still seeing... her?"

He felt Ennis shift uneasily next to him again and just stopped breathing.

"Well, telling you about Cassie,"

_So, she did have a name, huh_.

"…It made me see how pointless it was."

_Past tense. Good._ And Jack started to breathe again.

"It hadn't really been going on long. Not even a year, and just weekends here and there, when I didn't have the girls. She was pretty, I won't take that back. But the truth is... in a way, she kinda made me think of you. She just knew what she wanted, and went for it. The night we met, she took my hand and led me to the dance floor without giving me a chance to stop her. So, huh, I danced." Ennis chuckled some. "Can you believe it? Even Alma couldn't pull off that trick. Only time I agreed to dance was at our wedding, and only for that one first dance, you know." He shook his head, as if coming back to the matter at hand. "Anyway, after the dance, when I gave her the brush-off line that had always worked pretty well, she just gave me a weird look, and asked me to massage her feet. I was... at a loss. And a few days later, she was at the ranch, in the parking lot, waiting for me. Don't know who told her where I worked, but, well, she was there. And you should have seen the guys while we were walking up, they were all watching her like she was a movie star or something. And when it got clear to them she was there for me, 'cause well, she was leaning on my pick-up as though it was hers, they all started, you know, joking around, congratulating me, and other stupid stuff..." His voice got lower. "It felt good, too, like I was making a point, telling the world... you know..."

Jack knew. And Jack couldn't help but wince; he sure didn't like that one. But Ennis was here, with him, right now. And that was making a point too, right?

"Anyway, that night with you, it hit me. I hadn't realized it before but, unconsciously, I guess... I wanted her to leave me." He sighed. "She wanted to see the girls, and I had her meet Junior." Jack saw him almost smile as he went on, "You know, Junior, she's really mine. I could have picked any day to have Cassie meet my girls, but I chose the one afternoon I knew Jenny would be away on a school trip. I guess I didn't want Cassie to meet nice, chatty, lively, funny Jenny. I wanted Cassie to meet, like Jenny always says, 'shy-but-straight-to-the-point-all-closed-up-except-for-the-happy-few-allowed-to-know-the-real-me Junior', huh."

_Yep, daddy's girl all right!_

"As though I wanted her to realize just how much NOT fun we are in the family, or something like that. It just suddenly became clear. How stupid I was acting, you know, how unfair. And when I got back, in April, I just... gave her the silent treatment." Jack couldn't help but wince. "I know, not very brave of me, but I had... other things on my mind." This time, it was Jack's turn to squeeze Ennis's fingers tight. Ennis squeezed back, then went on. "So, well, after some time, she just... gave up." He shrugged. "Lately, I've seen her with another guy. She still seemed pretty messed-up, but the guy went after her protectively, and I do hope that she'll be all right. She's a good gal."

Ennis's voice had got final and his eyes kept fixing the wall in front of them, so Jack figured Ennis had heard and said enough, for now. So Jack snagged the cigarettes he'd seen on the bedside table and then shifted around until Ennis raised his arm and he could lean into his side, and they sat like this in silence for some time, Jack enjoying the simple feeling of Ennis's arm around him, holding him close while they shared a few smokes. Until something popped into his mind and he started to scramble out of the bed before Ennis could ask what was going on.

"Shit, my bag is still outside."

Ennis watched him and started to grin, "Can't be that much in it, you always keep your wallet and your keys in your pocket anyway. And there's no one around, not for miles, Bud." He smirked, "And I don't think the animals would be interested in wearing those colorful shirts of yours, huh..."

Jack had by now gotten around the bed, bent over to pick up his pants, and started dressing himself in order to go out. He had one leg in his jeans when Ennis suddenly kinda gasped. Jack lowered his eyes to what Ennis was looking at, and saw the purple-blue marks on his left hip, the ones Ennis's fingers had imprinted there a few hours ago. He wondered if there would be more to find; maybe too a few tiny bites behind his shoulders, Ennis sometimes just had a thing with his shoulders, huh. Damn, he actually wanted to see a few marks on his skin. It felt good, proving he had been reclaimed, branded, whatever.

"You shouldn't mind." He grinned. "I sure didn't hear myself complaining." Now he was the one smirking, and Ennis blushed. He enjoyed that sight, as always, but stopped teasing his Cowboy and shrugged as he finished putting his pants on. "I'm not gonna break, you know."

"Yeah, whatever... Still..." Ennis was trying to sound sorry, but Jack could hear the joking tone now underneath. "You're not some piece of cattle or something..."

Jack chuckled. "Damn right about that one. I'm a Rodeo king, broke enough bones and won some nice buckles in my time, so don't you ever dare forget it, huh!"

Ennis smiled back at their usual jokes, but Jack could see the truth in his eyes, as he always could. The admiration for Jack's bravery, that Ennis had once actually spoken out loud, and the heartfelt gratitude to whatever god had kept Jack from getting really harmed during his rodeo days that he knew hid behind the gruff teasing.

Jack started to go for his bag, but then turned just before getting out of the room and smirked. "By the way, Cowboy, you do realize, huh, that that makes you," he pointed a finger at Ennis, "The stubborn bull."

He got out just in time and the cushion Ennis had playfully thrown at him hit the doorframe.

Jack found his bag still where he'd dropped it, on the second step. He couldn't help but check automatically if two things were still there, rummaging quickly through his clothes until he found them.

Ennis's last postcard and the postcard he hadn't needed to send. He kept them both with him everywhere he went, since he'd received Ennis's, as if to remember that it was for real. A sweet smile came to his face: it was for real now, indeed, huh.

And the lube. It was kind of an unspoken agreement. He had brought it the first time, years ago, for Ennis's comfort; but of course, afterwards, Ennis had always wanted to use some for Jack's comfort too. Not that Jack really needed anything fancier than saliva, but it seemed to be important to Ennis's conscience, so Jack always brought some along.

When Jack went back inside, he could hear water running and guessed Ennis had gone for a shower. And that brought a whole bunch of very pleasant memories of the last time they'd been here to his mind. Jack got in the room, put his bag in a corner, laid the lube on the nightstand on Ennis's side, and stripped quickly, interpreting as an invitation the bathroom door ajar.

But his enthusiasm poured out of him the moment he saw Ennis. Delicious and gorgeous all over, though skinnier than usual, Jack couldn't not notice sadly, about 2/3 of his back and 1/3 of his front visible from where Jack stood. His face turned upwards, his eyes squeezed shut, as if he didn't want to miss one drop of the strong, warm, cleansing stream. But his fists were clenched. Hard enough to make the knuckles noticeably white. And he was as still as a statue. Jack was sure he hadn't even heard him coming in, as lost in his thoughts as he seemed to be. And Jack wondered if the few minutes he'd been away had been enough to lift the easy mood they had quite automatically fallen back into. He reckoned that Ennis had just been hit once again by all that had been revealed.

Jack just wanted to give any small comfort he could, and went to cuddle close against Ennis's back. Surprisingly, Ennis didn't flinch, so Jack laced his arms around Ennis's waist and let his head rest against Ennis's shoulder, and they stayed silent for a while, letting the stream clean them, both physically and mentally, Jack hoping it could take all the uneasiness away again.

After some time, Ennis let his head fall forward, staring at the water disappearing through the drain, and brought his right arm up to rest above Jack's. Jack then took the soap and washed Ennis all over, silently, nearly reverently, then washed himself quickly and got back to hugging Ennis from behind for a while, letting the water rinse the soap away and gathering his courage up until he decided he could face anything Ennis needed to finally throw at him.

"Whatever you're keeping inside, Ennis, I deserve it. Just let it out."

_Let it out before it starts eating at you the way it ate at me. _

**ENNIS POV**

It was good to laugh together, again. Ennis smiled and shook his head.

_Stupid rodeo jokes, huh..._

Ennis thought he could use a shower, then he grinned; they both could use a shower. After all, they normally didn't have the opportunity while camping in the wild, and that last time here, in '75, well...

Ennis turned the water on and went under the stream, thinking about it all again.

How good it had been to be allowed to breathe in Jack's scent and feel Jack's body against his again, when Jack had thrown himself into his arms earlier. And the first time he'd been able to look into those blue eyes again, and had seen the candles there burning bright, brighter than they'd burned in years. And when he had seen that damn perfect mouth, all smooth again, making Jack right eight years younger, and the little mole he had been missing without realizing it... Ennis had known then that he had been right about it all.

And Jack's words. God, Jack always had a way with words... Ennis had quickly turned harsher than he'd intended to be, but it had just been too irresistible. Jack's sweet "Yours" over and over, after what had happened; they had stirred something quite primal, savage, animalistic in him, huh.

Then they had talked.

_You're sure about that one, Del Mar?_

Ok, Jack had talked. Ennis hadn't talked that much. But he had started it though, right? Twice. That must count for something?

_Yep. And then he nearly had to beg to get the truth about Cassie out of your mouth._

Ennis felt bad. It was all true. Jack had told his part. He hadn't.

The thing was, Ennis didn't know how to. He wanted to, but there was so much to tell, he didn't know where to start. What if he got it out all wrong?

He felt Jack's arms snake around him from behind, holding him close, and he sighed, feeling calm and peaceful from the simple hug. It wasn't the kind of shower he had had in mind when he'd come in here, but right now, it felt right; it was exactly what he needed. He relished it, and brought his arm up to hold Jack's around his waist, thanking him silently for simply being there. Then Ennis got speechless. Jack was... washing him? Nothing playful or teasing, just soft and dedicated...

_What the Hell?_

"Whatever you're keeping inside, Ennis, I deserve it. Just let it out."

Ennis couldn't believe it. Jack was asking for... a blow, any kind of blow, mental, physical, he didn't seem to care. Worse, he just expected one to come.

_Wow, Del Mar, you're doing a great job here. How low would you let him go, before you open your damn mouth. He may become tired of going low, you know. Joking around about rodeo or beans, killing an elk and staying in bed a whole week won't work, you've done it already and look how well it went, huh. Don't make that mistake again. You fucking promised you'd be brave._

Ennis inhaled deeply, preparing himself for the dive, and turned the water off.

**JACK POV**

Ennis turned the water off and Jack released him so he could turn, and steeled himself for whatever would come.

But Jack didn't get what he had been preparing himself for. Ennis was now looking at him with that look. The skin around the eyes had gotten wrinkled by all those years of hard work in the open air — which Jack always found excessively sexy; Ennis, his tough, strong, hard-working Cowboy — but that look was still the same. Since '63. That look that Jack craved, that look that Jack needed, trip after trip after trip, that look that always made Jack's heart sing and Jack's insides burn.

"You think I can't forgive you? But you got it all wrong. It's how can YOU forgive me, Jack. Whatever happened... I pushed you there. You really think I don't know that? I hate it that... But if there's someone I have to hate for it, it's gonna be me, not you. Never you, Rodeo."

Jack felt his heart warm up quickly at the use of his secret nickname. It was like the icing on the cake: not only confirming what Ennis's eyes and tone had already told him — that Ennis was nowhere near angry —, but above all a proof of intimacy, a tangible sign that they existed still, that they had to have survived if he was still worthy of his nickname.

He brought one hand up to run along Ennis's cheek, but Ennis escaped his touch, shooting him a glance that said he wasn't done talking.

**ENNIS POV**

_I can't take the easy way out you're offering, Bud. Not this time._

"We should have talked long ago about... what happened after my divorce. Last time we were here, I wanted to, but I didn't know how. So I just put my head in the sand, like a stupid ostrich. I knew it was wrong. But you didn't seem to mind, and I lulled myself into believing that everything was just fine again." Ennis paused, taking a deep breath. "The truth is... When I sent you that note about my divorce, I was sure it was just because, well, you ought to know, new address and all. But the moment I saw you in your pick-up, it hit me. It hit me hard. The real reason." His voice lowered. "The thing is, unconsciously... I wanted you to come, Bud."

_You were always talking about those sweet dreams of yours, you know, and I guess I needed a proof. A proof that you really meant it all._

Ennis sighed. "And then I freaked out, huh. Here you were, with your trademark big shining eyes and big happy smile, and I couldn't help but see you, like Earl, beaten and lying dead in a ditch." He reached out his right hand and ran it slowly, softly, along Jack's left cheek, his voice getting even lower. "Dead because of me. I couldn't give THAT a chance to happen, Jack. I couldn't."

_And when you realized I couldn't too, and I saw all the hurt there on your face... I hated myself, but... I believed it was for the best._

"Anyway, I didn't have another choice. Even if... That day, it wouldn't have been right. I mean... my girls needed me. They still weren't all right with Alma and me splitting up. I'd only stopped living 'at home' 3 months before, I'd had the house for less than two, and the divorce had just finally become official. It was still... too fresh." He started whispering. "I know, though, I should have said something, when you started walking away. But then you said you'd see me next month, as planned. It made it... easier... to let you leave. And well, that December while we were here…" Ennis smiled a bit, his eyes lost in the past, remembering how easy and how right it had all felt, again. Then he sighed. "It never felt enough for me either, Jack, but I always believed it was the price to pay. And since I thought I couldn't have more anyway, I was kinda glad it was as it was; you know, 'If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it', huh." He shook his head. "But I should have known it wasn't ok."

_I should have known YOU weren't ok, Bud._

Ennis shrugged helplessly. "And THAT is for sure the most I've spoken in my entire life, huh." He gave a tired chuckle. "I don't know how you do it, huh, always bringing all the shit out of me."

**JACK POV**

And Jack knew Ennis didn't want to talk anymore. And, which was weird, for the first time in his life maybe, Jack knew he didn't want to talk anymore either. Jack was tired, tired of trying to explain or understand what had gone wrong at some point eight years ago. Tired of having Ennis fight him over who was the one most to blame. All right, Ennis hadn't talked about it way back then. But it wasn't strange, huh: Ennis never talked about the stuff that really mattered. And Jack had known all along it had been linked to his childhood trauma anyway. He remembered perfectly well the way Ennis had focused nervously on the white pick-up that drove by that day. And though it was soothing to hear it out at last, and though he was thankful for it, Jack couldn't bear to see Ennis so low. Ennis, who had only ever wanted him safe.

And Jack realized that, after all, Ennis's own silent way of apologizing was maybe the best. He knew what to do. And he knew that this, Ennis would understand. 'Cause it had been Ennis's welcome in '75, and though at first Jack had nearly rebuked it, and had been about to retort that he wasn't a sex toy, something in Ennis's touch had reminded him of the little apology of '63, and had told him to just shut up and wait, and he had indeed soon realized that it was just a gift, that it all had nothing to do with Ennis's needs, and everything to do with Ennis apologizing to him the best and only way he could.

"We're finished talking."

Jack took Ennis's hand in his own, and dragged Ennis out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, turning all the lights off on his way. He laid Ennis down on the bed and placed himself gently on top of him. Then he started kissing him long and slow, holding Ennis's arms above his head and keeping them still when Ennis tried to touch him back several times, making Ennis understand that he should just lay still. Ennis let out one soft "Jack" as realization finally hit him, and Jack lost himself in those magnetic amber eyes.

"Hush Cowboy. I'm gonna talk your way for once, and you're just gonna listen. I don't wanna say or hear one fucking word anymore."

And Jack kinda reverently started to rain soft kisses and licks, from Ennis's wrists above his head, 'till Ennis's feet, then crawling upwards again to finally take his prize in his mouth for a while, listening carefully to Ennis's little noises, releasing him before he got too close, and started all over again, and again, and again, his touch now stronger, concentrating longer and longer on Ennis's favorite places: inner wrists, inner elbows, mouth, earlobes, neck, nipples, belly button, inner thighs, inner knees, balls and cock, placing Ennis's legs above his shoulders to be granted more space to work while his hands went under to massage Ennis's ass, loving the feeling of Ennis now writhing under him, but still letting Jack have his way. And finally what he knew would be the fifth and last round, hungry and urgent, knowing Ennis wouldn't take it much longer as Ennis's hands couldn't stay still anymore and came pleadingly playing in his hair before resting on his shoulders, clutching helplessly while Jack was licking his left inner thigh on his way up again.

Jack wanted it to never end. Ennis's rasped moans and gasps, Ennis's shivers, Ennis's scent and Ennis's taste, strongly mixed now with the lingering soapy scent and taste, Ennis, Ennis, Ennis. Jack suddenly realized there was one and only one place he had never licked, never even thought of licking in nearly 20 years, knowing unconsciously that Ennis would probably freak out. But now that he had thought of it, he just couldn't get it out of his head. They had just showered. And Ennis was so far gone, he maybe wouldn't mind.

_At least not right away_.

It would be new. And it felt... sacred. Like the ultimate finishing touch for his silent apology.

So instead of taking Ennis in his mouth again, he bent Ennis's legs just a bit more forward and then followed the path down, quickly, not giving Ennis time to realize what he was doing until he was there, twirling his tongue around the hole. He heard a gasped, surprised "Jack" and felt Ennis freeze. Jack wondered if Ennis was going once more to utter his old "What are you doing?". But when he twirled his tongue again and got a gasped "God, Jack" as answer while Ennis shivered, Jack realized his Cowboy wasn't gonna fight him this time. After all, for now, Ennis was _listening_.

So Jack kept his hands strong on Ennis's thighs and plunged his tongue inside, and was rewarded by a louder "Jack" and heard too the thud Ennis's hands made when they fell hard on the sheets.

Soon, Jack knew Ennis was very close to the edge, and he wanted Ennis to come in his mouth. So he went up again, unsure if he imagined or actually heard Ennis sigh as he stopped his ministrations there, but clearly hearing Ennis moan his approval as he licked the top of his cock and took Ennis slowly in his mouth for what he knew would be the last time. Jack sped up, up and down and up and down, Ennis's sharp intakes of breath and moans filling his ears; sucked, hard, once, twice; heard one last "Jack", and Ennis was lost.

Jack disentangled himself afterwards from Ennis's legs, crawled a bit upwards to nuzzle Ennis's belly button for a while, and rested his head there, laying his hands on Ennis's stomach and using them as a pillow, his lower body spread between Ennis's open legs. Jack kept very still, focusing on his breath to calm down, satisfied with what he had given Ennis and concentrating on that idea_. _Ennis's hands came to rest on his shoulders, starting to draw tiny circles on his skin, and Jack couldn't help but purr and smile.

Ennis's voice in the dark, soft as a caress too, "Jack, let me..."

Jack cut him off with a firm "Hush, Cowboy. I'm fine. Go to sleep".

And Ennis didn't argue. He had known Jack's answer before asking. He had made the rules for this some twenty years ago after all. After some time, Jack knew Ennis had passed out, and he let Ennis's slow, regular breathing work its usual magic on him. Soon, Jack was sleeping too.


	9. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8: ONE SWEET WEEK — DON'S CABIN** **JACK POV**

Jack awoke before Ennis, which was unusual. Normally, by the time Jack woke up, Ennis would have been awake for some time already, his internal clock, even after a very interesting night, always kicking in before Jack's, because Ennis, working on ranches, was used to getting up more than 2 hours earlier than Jack did on a daily basis.

Generally, breakfast would be ready and the smell of coffee would lure Jack out of his sleep. Sometimes, Jack would be gently pulled out of his slumber by a very horny Cowboy, and he surely never complained about it. And some few other times, Jack would open his eyes to see Ennis lying next to him, watching him silently, for God only knew how long. He was even sure, a very few times, that he'd felt Ennis touching his face tenderly, though it had always stopped right at the moment Jack would begin to stir awake. And Jack would always let Ennis know how much he appreciated waking up like that, lightly touched or just watched-over, didn't matter. It made him feel loved, and knowing he couldn't say that, he surely did his best to show it.

But today, Ennis was still deep asleep. They'd both moved in their sleep and were now lying next to each other: Jack on his stomach, both his arms under the pillow; Ennis on his side, his right arm thrown across Jack's back, his right knee hooked across Jack's left leg, and his head close to Jack's left upper arm.

Jack couldn't move. He was glued to the spot, stunned by the so-rare sight of Ennis asleep, relaxed, comfortable; none of his usual barriers to be seen. Not that there were a lot of barriers when it was just the two of them, but still. Ennis never looked as peaceful as when asleep; Jack had known this since the first day they had met.

Such a peaceful look could be seen on some other very rare occasions, particularly after some real good sex, or after a real good laugh, or in tiny moments out of the blue while they were riding or sitting in silence next to each other; but it never stayed longer than a few seconds.

So now it was... mind-blowing. It didn't last long enough for Jack's liking though. Ennis stirred and opened his eyes, blinking a few times and smiling at Jack when he realized he was being watched over.

"Morning."

"Morning to you. Slept well?"

"Mmmm. Best sleep I got in months."

Jack internally cringed; he felt bad, again. But he could see that Ennis had just let it out without second thoughts, it wasn't meant as an attack, it was just the honest truth. The bad feeling left.

"Same here. Nice dreams?"

"Don't remember."

But Jack could see a sleepy but real grin come on Ennis's lips. God, Ennis half awake, the daily walls not yet built-up. It was too sweet for words. And it was addictive. Jack wished he could change his internal clock so he would wake up before Ennis every time they got together from now on.

"Go back to sleep." Jack pushed the covers down on his side of the bed and started to move in order to get out of bed.

Ennis's arm on his waist didn't let him go farther than sitting. "Where are you going?"

"The sun's been up for some time already."

_I'm sure you're hungry._ _I know I am. We didn't eat yesterday._

"Thought I should be the one who prepares some breakfast for a change."

Ennis's arm tugged Jack back to him, eyes falling shut, looking as if he was going to fall back asleep very soon, his voice kinda sleepy too. "Don't need any coffee."

And Jack heard loud and clear the unsaid "Need you" behind those words, and his heart melted. He saw a smile linger on Ennis's face, and then heard words that left him speechless. "Thought you said you were mine, huh. So come back here, it's getting cold."

Jack was stunned. A teasing Ennis was rare enough to begin with, but Ennis teasing him for being his? Those words out of Ennis's mouth? And in such an honest, needy tone under the playful command? It was... surreal.

Jack felt crushed. And powerless. He laid himself down again. He felt Ennis crawl up and spoon against his back, nuzzling and breathing in the back of his neck, and he heard Ennis kinda purr his contentment at being close to him again.

It was just... too much. Jack felt words running from his heart up his throat, but knew he shouldn't say them. He surely didn't want to spook Ennis out of the mood he was in, huh. So he played his usual card and became funny-silly Jack instead. And with what Ennis had just said, he had an open door...

Jack let out a fake big sigh.

"All right, Cowboy. I knew you'd make me pay for saying I was yours the moment it left my mouth. I'll play along for some time and ignore the growling in my stomach. But just don't expect me to call you Master or Sir or anything, huh."

Ennis chuckled at that, pulled back out of his almost-come-back slumber. "Rodeo, you used to kiss your mother with that mouth?"

"Yep. Sure did. Still do. But right now, there's someone else I'd rather kiss."

Ennis was now nuzzling his neck again, but just that bit harder, which gave a totally different meaning to the touch, and his hands started to move on Jack's body. "Oh yeah?"

Ennis playing dumb was Ennis in a playful mood, and Jack sure wasn't gonna let it go to waste. "You bet. Some very stubborn cowboy." He angled his head to give Ennis more room to play. "Quite tall, sandy hair, whiskey eyes I always get drunk from. A bit dumb right now," he felt Ennis smile against his skin at that, "But, well, great kisser, so I don't really mind."

Jack then turned his head towards Ennis and winked. "Let me know if you see him around, huh."

He saw Ennis grin as he leaned in for a kiss — which turned out to be a deep, long kiss, Jack hearing himself moan as Ennis pushed himself against his lower back while keeping him close with his right arm.

"Oh. Don't need your help anymore. Seems like he's here already."

Jack heard Ennis chuckle in his ear, in that damn too-rare, deep, low rumbling tone he was addicted to. He pressed himself back into Ennis's firm body, and couldn't help but press harder when he felt that some part of Ennis was now fully awake. Ennis's lips were by now nibbling his earlobe, and Ennis's right hand was slowly following a trail downwards, caressing his stomach, his hard-on, his hip, his ass, and finally came to play around, and then inside, his most intimate spot, making Jack moan again and start to quiver.

Ennis whispered feverishly in his ear, "Jack, did you..."

"On your nightstand."

Ennis's fingers disappeared for a short moment, but Ennis's mouth kept working at the back of his neck. And then Jack could feel Ennis placing himself at his entrance, and a soft "Yes, Ennis, come home" escaped his lips. Ennis kept a slow pace, keeping Jack's hip in place, thrusting in with one quick push, getting nearly out slowly and pushing back in again with another strong thrust, making Jack shiver as he hit him on the right spot again and again and again, and Jack started to chant, his right hand coming on his hip to cover Ennis's, clutching it to hang on. Jack realized he couldn't choose. He loved it when Ennis was strong and wild. Like yesterday. And he loved it when Ennis was strong and so controllingly slow. Like now.

"Make it last, Ennis, make it last".

And Ennis did, keeping the pace tantalizing slow, driving Jack mad, until Jack needed more and brought their joined hands around his cock. Ennis then followed Jack's rhythm as Jack moved their hands up and down, first lazily too, then quickly, then frantically, until Jack came, shouting Ennis's name, clenching hard around Ennis's cock as he spilled himself in their joined hands, and Ennis was lost too.

They kept silent for a while, Ennis still inside Jack, nuzzling his neck again while blindly wiping their hands and Jack's stomach with the sheet, Jack still too numb to do anything other than try to bring his breathing back to normal.

Then Jack's stomach growled, and they both laughed.

"Time to get up then, Bud."

It was a sunny, dry day, which was rare enough in November that they decided to take advantage of it and go for a ride. Ennis had prepared some food to bring along for lunch while Jack had been making some breakfast for them, as he had said he wanted to earlier.

They had a great time. Jack always enjoyed riding, but the rides with Ennis were always the best. It always felt as though they were back on Brokeback, both 19 and free, safe in their own bubble, where the world couldn't get to them. They didn't need to talk a lot, just riding side by side was enough in itself. Jack knew each time they rode, Ennis was completely in his element: he looked more free, sometimes even carefree, and he joked more. Jack always loved that. Knowing it was the Ennis the rest of the world didn't get to see. Knowing it was the Ennis who was just for him. Probably for his daughters too, but in another way, so it couldn't compare.

And seeing the way Ennis's hips moved. God, even after all those years he still hadn't gotten used to that sight. There always came a moment when Jack just couldn't resist anymore, got very silent and couldn't help but watch for a long time those damn perfect hips moving while riding. Jack just watched. He wasn't getting any pictures in his mind of what those hips could do, had done or would do. It was more primal, kind of ancient magic, getting Jack lost in a trance. He just followed the rhythm and the movements with his eyes, up, forward, down, up, forward, down, and he could swear he could feel it all inside and through him. It was... damn good, you bet.

Ennis, after a few trips, had gotten used to it, though he would each time still blush redder and redder, all the while patting his horse, looking at the sky, or the trees, or anything else as long as he wasn't looking at Jack; pretending not to know and not to notice, and just stayed silent too until Jack forced himself out of his reverie. If they had been talking, then Jack would start talking right back from where they had stopped, as though they hadn't been interrupted at all. If they had been silent, then Jack would start babbling for some time about little unimportant things. Jack always kept talking until Ennis's blush disappear. And until his own hard-on would lessen to a point where it wasn't nearly unbearable anymore. They always had great sex afterwards. Jack wondered if they would this time too.

_Don't play dumb; with Ennis, it's always great._

Jack couldn't believe how easily being together again just felt... _right_. He had been so sure it would be weird and awkward for some time, but it already felt like nothing awful had happened. As though the past had been laid to rest and they'd been granted a fresh new start. Not that the past would be forgotten — _or forgiven_ —, but it seemed they could just live with it and move forward. That's how it felt for him, and he wondered if it felt like that for Ennis too. They had talked about it all just yesterday, and they had kept nothing hidden, trying to heal old and fresh wounds at once. It surely didn't felt as though Ennis was just putting on a show for him; Ennis's eyes and smile never lied, he knew too well how to read them. But Jack couldn't help but think it was too good, he feared a moment would come when Ennis would break. He just hoped he would be allowed to glue the pieces back together.

It was a very nice day, for November. They were riding side by side. Ennis always loved to ride, it made him feel at ease, at peace even. But riding next to Jack always made it that little bit better.

Ennis had brought horses along on their third fishing trip, knowing Jack's now usual rides to be mostly on tractors and other machinery. And he remembered perfectly the amazed and warm gaze Jack had given him when he had seen them. Since then, Ennis always brought horses along. Even in the fall, which was not always kind for the horses, because they often kept to the tent, sometimes nearly all day if it kept raining. He remembered one year they had even stayed two full days locked in the tent, getting out just long enough to wash themselves quickly in the very strong falling rain and check on the quite bored-looking horses, surviving on cookies and whiskey, not even caring about making a campfire to cook. He remembered that, unlike the horses, they surely hadn't been bored.

Well, they had both been still young then.

_Del Mar, don't look for stupid excuses._

Ennis knew their age had nothing to do with it. God, one look from those eyes, one smile, one perky or teasing or silly comment from those lips, and he was ready to go. Sometimes, just watching Jack was enough to make him ready to go.

_You still don't say it all._

All right, to be honest, just thinking about Jack was enough to make him ready to go. Enough to make him come, too. That's why Ennis didn't care for one-night stands. Why should he bother: he knew it could never be as satisfying as just taking care of himself while thinking about his Jack.

He still felt wrong for the way he'd tried to use Alma as a replacement for Jack for years, knowing she didn't like it. It had happened a lot, particularly before '67. After '67, it had quickly receded and had even stopped, because Jack was back in his life; and the more he had Jack, the more he felt it just didn't feel the same with Alma.

He hadn't even bothered to try it with Cassie. Alma's and Cassie's bodies were just too full of curves, unlike the muscular, angular, strong body he had come to crave, and just felt too tiny and too soft under him. He knew he couldn't let himself go with them as he could with Jack. He knew they would never be able to take it as hard as Jack could take it, as hard as he liked sometimes, as hard as Jack asked for sometimes.

He had never felt this kind of attraction for any other man either. Once, somewhere between '63 and '67, he had glimpsed in the street ahead of him a young, dark-haired man, pretty much the same stature and posture as Jack, wearing a black hat, a pair of jeans and a light blue denim shirt, and he had felt something, for about a second. Then he had realized it couldn't be Jack, and with a second look he had known it wasn't Jack, and the feeling had disappeared just as quickly as it had arrived. By the time Ennis had walked past the guy, he'd been reduced to what he really was again: just a guy, a nameless, unimportant guy with a nearly perfect, but perfectly unattractive body. Thus total opposites from Jack.

And since, if Ennis from time to time caught himself glancing at some unknown, dark-haired man, it was never with lust, but only because the familiar, general looks he couldn't help but miss always caught his eyes and had him thinking "Hey, he looks like Jack". Keywords being 'look like', and only look like. And Ennis didn't lust after guys, he lusted after _Jack_. So hands would be too big or too small, legs would be too long or too short, etc etc. And, of course, no one could ever outdo those goddamned blue eyes and powerful eyelashes, or that silly mouth, or... any other inch of Jack's too-beautiful-for-words body. Jack was the standard to which anyone was compared, and no one could ever look for him as perfect as Jack. _His_ Jack.

So, they were riding. And as usual, it felt as though they were back on Brokeback, both 19 and free, safe in their own bubble, where the world couldn't get to them. Ennis couldn't believe how good things felt between them already, how much _righter_ than they'd been for years, even. He'd been sure it'd be awkward and painful for some time; but instead, he found he could almost forget the hurt they'd given each other. As though the past had been laid to rest and they were granted a fresh new start and could move forward. _Forward._ Ennis was damn glad this word was back in his thoughts.

If he remembered well from the last time they had been here, they would soon find a proper place to make a fire and cook. He couldn't wait to hear Jack's laugh when he discovered what he had brought for lunch. He smiled to himself, and glanced at Jack next to him.

God, here it was again. Jack was having one of those 'little moments', huh. Ennis had first noticed on Brokeback the way Jack could sometimes get really silent while riding at his side, but he had been then surely too numb with the peaceful feeling which Jack riding next to him — and for once not trying to play on that goddamned harmonica — brought him, and he hadn't realized what had Jack sort of in a trance.

It had hit him the first time he had brought the horses along. Jack had got silent, so he had been talking for a while. About Junior's first ride, on a pony at the once-a-year kind of fair the town organized for kids, and the way she had told him afterwards that she wanted now to ride a real horse, and on her own, 'cause ponies were for babies and she wasn't a baby anymore. He had laughed; she wasn't even five years old. Jack hadn't been laughing back as hard as he always did, and Ennis had turned his head slightly towards him, trying to remember if Jack had once told him something bad about him, his dad and a pony, or Bobby and a pony.

That's when he had seen exactly what Jack was looking at. He was ready to bet it had made him blush redder than a tomato. He had halted, had said that he thought something had felt wrong with his horse and that he wanted to check the left front horseshoe, and that Jack shouldn't wait for him, 'cause it was surely nothing and he would be catching up soon enough.

He then had decided he should stop acting silly. It was Jack, huh. There was no reason to freak out. And if he looked deep down into himself, he knew he kinda liked that he could render Jack speechless that way. It made him feel special. And powerful.

So Ennis had learned to go along with it. Actually, quite quickly, it had become real entertaining. He couldn't help but blush though, and he knew Jack must be thinking it was because he felt embarrassed or something. Truth was, if Ennis felt embarrassed, it was with himself, 'cause in those little moments of silence with Jack's gaze lost on his hips, he couldn't help but think back on their last lovemaking or forward to their next.

Today, he couldn't help but remember last night, how reverently Jack had tried to communicate in Ennis's own way, and how soothing it had been. And how surprising — strange but strangely good — it had felt to have Jack's tongue playing down there. So yeah, he bet he was blushing, and blushing hard. But the best part, the sweetest part, had been this morning. Jack had told him to "come home". He wasn't sure Jack had realized what he had said then, but that had gone right through Ennis's sore heart, and had felt just so damn right. Ennis had decided right then that he wouldn't dwell on what had happened anymore. He had put all the hurt and anger and uncertainty in a closet, and had locked that door shut for good.

So now he hoped Jack would get out of his reverie and start talking again very soon, before his hard-on could get too noticeable. _His_ Jack and his 'little moments'. He smiled to himself; they always had great sex afterwards. Ennis wondered if they would have great sex this time too.

_Del Mar, you know perfectly well that with Jack, it´s always great._

Ennis recognized the spot. He had chosen the right path, and they were in a clearing, cut by a narrow stream. It was the perfect place to stop and eat. They made a little fire and drank some beer while the beans got warm. Yep, beans. And only beans. Jack had laughed when Ennis had taken the cans out of the bag. A real laugh, loud and silly and true from the heart, and Ennis's heart had clenched, 'cause he had realized then that Jack hadn't been laughing like that for years, and that he had missed it.

Then Jack had rolled his eyes, trying to look upset while he wasn't, saying he would skip lunch. Ennis had retorted with a smirk that he hoped Jack was gonna change his mind and eat, 'cause he didn't feel like listening to Jack's stomach growling all the way back, huh. Jack had then sat on the ground in front of Ennis, had taken his can, had let out a sigh as if all this was costing him a lot, and had let fall "All right, Sir. Whatever pleases you," in a quite serious voice, though it was easy to see his eyes were laughing at Ennis, in a kind of "Take that" way, like a kid sticking his tongue out. Ennis hadn't been joking anymore then, he had just coughed some while blushing and casting his eyes away.

After eating, they rode back to the cabin. Ennis was starting to wonder if Jack had decided to make him pay for the beans; every time he would talk to him, Jack would call him "Master" or "Sir". At first, Ennis had been unable not to start to feel some pressure in his pants, 'cause they both knew how Ennis liked to be the one in control.

_So, who really has control then, Del Mar? He knows perfectly well how to bring you just where he wants you to, doesn't he? _

_Shut up. It doesn't matter anyway._

But at some point, it had just become... disturbing. And now Ennis was getting mad. He needed one "Cowboy" instead of those meaningless "Sir", "Master", "Sir", "Master". One "Cowboy" from those lips was worth thousands of "Master" and thousands of "Sir", you bet. Ennis had even used and abused of his normally quite rare "Rodeo", hoping to stop the litany and finally get one "Cowboy" in return. Jack knew it, Ennis sensed it in Jack's winking eyes and half-dreamy smile at each "Rodeo" that fell from his lips, but Jack didn't indulge him. He surely seemed to be enjoying this all a lot.

To Ennis, it didn't feel funny anymore. And it just didn't feel right. About two hours later, they arrived — _thankfully_ — back at the cabin. They dismounted in silence and Ennis hoped the game was over. He was wrong.

Jack came close; not close enough to touch Ennis, but close enough for Ennis to see the bulge in his pants. He looked at Ennis with already hazy eyes, grinning, and whispered seductively, "Anything you need, now, Master?"

Ennis felt like taking him right there and now, but controlled himself. Jack had been trying to get him mad in payment for the beans joke. But it seemed that at some point the joke had been turned back on him. Ennis grinned back at Jack.

_Sorry Rodeo, my time to play..._

"Well, now that you mention it..." He got just a bit closer, and saw Jack's grin get wider. Then he went in for the kill. "I won't say no to a nice warm cup of coffee."

He saw Jack's grin fall. He heard Jack's sigh. He tried not to smile.

_Yes, Rodeo, not so funny anymore now, huh?_

He had hoped it would be enough, but it wasn't. Jack just answered "All right, Sir" and went inside. Ennis nearly kicked the ground in exasperation. He took care of the horses, then got inside, started the fire in the chimney and sat at the table.

Jack was the one looking mad now. It was... kinda cute. The coffee was ready, and Jack handed Ennis a cup.

"Thank you Rodeo." Ennis grinned again, "Could you take some cookies too? I'm sure I brought some... "

Jack went back to look in the cupboard. He never made it that far though. He turned, let out a sigh, and held his hands in the air. "Ok, Cowboy, you win. I give up."

_Thanks. "Cowboy". Finally._

Ennis had him pinned in his arms against the counter in no time, kissing him hard and deep, and Jack just moaned, clinging to him, pressing himself against Ennis's hip and thigh. When only kissing and necking became too much to bear, Ennis took Jack's hand and led him to the bathroom. He quickly undressed them both, turned the water on, took the soap, and placed them both under the stream. He pushed Jack against the wall and kissed him again, hard, while jerking them off with a soapy hand. They didn't last long. He then washed them both, a bit playfully, but ended it suddenly with a quick, cold, rinse; making Jack squeal in surprise and leaving them both shivering. And then they went to bed to warm up.

Jack was chuckling on their way to the bed. "The unexpected cold shower, that was mean, Cowboy. Guess those words really don't work on you, huh..."

Then Jack looked at him and suddenly stopped joking.

Ennis could guess why good enough.

_Shit. Caught._

"Ennis?"

There was an edge in Jack's voice, and his eyes had turned worried. Really worried. Ennis realized he had been wrong after all, Jack hadn't caught him _at all_. On the contrary, he looked like he was thinking that his jokes had hurt Ennis somehow, and Ennis could guess why: the game could have made him think of Jack having fun with someone else... But it hadn't; and though Ennis sure hadn't planned on explaining himself, he couldn't let Jack feel that bad just because he didn't want to talk.

"It's just that... those words... they don't feel right, you know..." Jack seemed to flinch; Ennis was apparently only succeeding in making it worse, huh. He sighed. "It's all right, Jack. I mean... this thing we have... it's not—" He sighed again, frustrated, then finally found the will to meet Jack's eyes. "It's not one owning the other. It works both ways."

Ennis saw when those words hit Jack's brain. He saw the shock, the surprise, the relief; and then a look of pure happiness could be read all over Jack's face that made the trouble of for once getting some words out of his mouth all worth it. And then uncertainty seemed to replace it, as though Jack couldn't really believe he'd heard what he'd heard. Ennis brought his fingers up, lightly grazing Jack's cheeks, and forced himself to repeat.

"Yes, Jack. Both ways."

_I'm yours too. Always have been, since Brokeback, even if I didn't realize it then. And I should have told you that a long, long time ago. I should have told you that right away, when you came back to me in '67._

He could see all the emotions struggling there, in Jack's eyes. He wanted Jack to know he really meant it; and Jack had taught him how to make it real.

"I want to hear you say it, Jack. Tell me." He saw Jack's lips move, but no sound came out. He brushed Jack's cheeks again, reassuringly and encouragingly, "Tell me."

Jack tried again. "Mine."

A whisper, nothing more, but Ennis saw when the realization and the knowledge got into Jack's brain.

"You bet."

Then Ennis brought Jack's hands to his own cheeks as he leaned forward to make their lips meet, wanting Jack to hear the "Yours" he still couldn't actually say but which he knew Jack now heard anyway, because Jack started kissing him long and deep, holding him in place softly, then more firmly with his hands.

Ennis knew what he wanted now. He had decided before this trip that he should let Jack have him more often. He hoped it would give Jack an easier way to relive their lovemaking while they were apart, though that wasn't the only reason**. **

Jack never asked for it, always seeming to enjoy the other way, and Ennis didn't like to think about it — and what it said — too much; but that didn't mean they didn't both enjoy it, taking and giving each other everything. So they were both content with it only happening on their last night, as though Aguirre's curse could fall on them again if they did it before. But Ennis knew he didn't dislike it.

_Quite an understatement, Del Mar._

Ok, he even liked it. A lot. Very, very much. It may not feel as good, physically, but it surely always felt as right, and maybe even stronger, emotionally, as the other way around. It was Jack. And this was something he shared with Jack, and only Jack. This was something he did for Jack, and only Jack.

He kissed Jack back, long and deep too, while laying them both down.

"Come on, Jack." He rolled Jack on top of him and met his eyes. "Come on."

_I want to feel you inside and know I'm yours. I want you to feel yourself inside and know I'm yours. _

Ennis saw Jack's pupils widen as he realized what he wanted, and then Jack hushed out his usual concerned "You sure?"

As only answer, Ennis brought their mouths together again. And then, he just surrendered to Jack. _His_ Jack, tender, unhurried and gentle, as always when he took him.

Jack could barely believe it. Ennis, _saying_ more than he ever had; more than Jack had ever believed he would hear. Jack knew it already, but hearing it out loud... it made it more real. And when Ennis made him say out loud the word he couldn't speak... it felt even more real than real, if such a thing was possible.

Jack felt high, higher than he ever had been. There was no drug powerful enough to surpass the burning, yet peaceful, rush in his blood at that moment, for sure. And then Jack realized he had been wrong, 'cause a few seconds later, it got even better.

Ennis wanted Jack to take him. There was no way to misinterpret that usual, vague, half-whispered "Come on" while bringing Jack's hands to his butt cheeks, huh... Jack was speechless. Ennis trusted him enough again to let all his walls down, already. Jack hadn't even dared to hope for this for several trips to come, at least.

And it wasn't even their traditional last night. This always happened on their last night, and only on their last night, as it had turned out to be on Brokeback. As if there could come no curse anymore from it, 'cause they knew it was their last night anyway.

_Come on, silly, what are the odds of Aguirre coming here tomorrow morning, huh... _

"You sure?"

Jack couldn't help it: it felt like a tiny miracle, each and every time. Jack always needed to be sure he wasn't reading his Cowboy wrong, always gave him a way out, whispering "You don't have to" and waiting for the usual "I know" in answer — which was the "I want" that Ennis would probably never utter — before he made any move, or asking softly "You sure?" and leaving the next move to Ennis.

Then Ennis's hands on the back of his neck brought their mouths back together fiercely, and Aguirre was forgotten, you bet...

God knew how loved it always made him feel when Ennis yielded to him, but this time Jack was stunned as Ennis, quite a bit more eager than his usual self, at some point actually kinda pushed him away, then handed him the lube and placed himself on his elbows and knees, urging him on without a word. And his heart melted and burned as Ennis ordered again "Tell me" as Jack was starting to enter him slowly.

Jack was sure Ennis wouldn't — couldn't — stay that open, carefree, kinda sweet talking and whatever else he'd been for the last two days for much longer, but that didn't matter. Ennis was _his_. Jack now knew. For sure. And he would not forget.

They laid intertwined for some time afterwards, both silent. Then Jack realized something and started to laugh; he tried to keep it in, but he just couldn't. Ennis watched him through puzzled eyes, and it only made him laugh harder.

"Bud?"

"If I'd known calling you 'Master' was the key to get in there, huh..."

Ennis chuckled briefly and ruffled one hand in Jack's hair before trying to look menacing. "Jack, don't you dare..."

"Yeah, I know. No mention of any of those words anymore, I swear."

"Good."

Ennis brought him closer. Jack let his head rest on his shoulder and listened to their synced breathing for some time... Until something else popped up in his playful mind.

"Ennis?"

"Mmmmm?"

"What about 'Boss'. Would that be ok?"

"Huh?"

"Well, you know, people are free to quit their job... so... it's still quite an equal relationship..."

Ennis wasn't following him. Jack swore he could see several question marks hanging in the air around Ennis's head.

"I mean... it could be our code, or something... I could be a naughty stable boy, and you could be the very strict stock boss..." (AN: SILLY THINGS ENSUE, DEDICATED TO MADLORI OF COURSE)

Some color came to Ennis's cheeks.

_Finally. God, he does have a thick brain sometimes... _

"Rodeo, I swear, where you get those ideas of yours, I'll never know."

Jack kept his voice real low, whispering in Ennis's ear and nibbling on his ear lobe, "Must be your fault, Cowboy. I do like it a lot when you turn all hard and desperate and possessive. Feels like you can't ever get enough of me."

He knew he'd won when a seductive "Come here" escaped Ennis's lips. Ennis brought his hand to his waist to pull him close, and crawled up on him. But Jack tried to escape Ennis's mouth first chance he got, smiling.

"Hey! Not fair. I haven't done anything bad yet."

Ennis was now on top of him. He put his arms at each side of Jack's face, supported himself on his elbows, leveled his eyes with Jack's; and grinned.

"You're a tease, you know that, right?"

He rubbed himself against Jack once, feeling them hardening together, and winked, "Now, just shut up. Who's the boss?"

Jack laughed; Ennis was playing along.

"Now now now, Jack Twist, laughing at your boss... Ain't that asking for a damn lesson?"

Jack couldn't help but laugh even harder.

"That's it. I can't let this go on, right? You're gonna learn to show some respect, Boy. I swear, you're gonna have to _beg_ for forgiveness."

Jack was stunned, he suddenly didn't feel like laughing anymore. _Huh?_ Ennis, who usually didn't talk that much, and even less in bed — _in tent, wherever _—, talking like that... with a really luscious voice... and that twinkle in his brown lustful eyes... Wow, sure, the strict stock boss had all his attention!

"Really?"

Jack was rewarded when Ennis's mouth possessively claimed his again.

"How are you gonna teach me all that? You wanna tie me up or something?"

He had meant it as another tease, but he wondered if he'd hit on something when he saw a darkness flash in Ennis's eyes, and then recede.

"No way. That would spoil it all." Ennis grinned, "Can't make it too easy for you, huh." He actually smirked, then hushed the rest out in a deep, low voice, "I'd rather have you playing stubborn, wanting not to touch me and not to beg. Until you can't hold it anymore. Until you really need me and beg, with your hands, with your feet, with your words. I'm not gonna let you roll me under and have it your way, not this time. You're gonna have to ask. I want you to surrender, Jack. I want you to make me feel powerful."

Jack was stunned, again.

And flushed.

Hell, Ennis's words were turning him on.

A lot.

Jack had always known Ennis liked to play 'Alpha' and got high on his little pleas; Jack had always known he was the one in control mostly when Ennis wanted him to be the one in control too. Ennis on that matter had all the keys, and Jack didn't care. Because he knew he was the one, and the only one, whom Ennis needed, and needed to be needed by, that fiercely. And because he knew he was the one, and the only one, to whom Ennis could and would open up and surrender, mentally and physically. And therein laid both Jack's power and the proof that he was loved.

But hearing Ennis spelling it all out like that... It was too hot for words.

"Jeez... And I thought _I_ was the tease. Where have you been hiding all those years, huh? Ennis del Mar, you are a bad, bad man."

Ennis was smirking again as he replied, "Good or bad, doesn't matter. I'm the boss."

Then he kissed him hard again, and there was no talking anymore for a long long time.

Jack was burning, writhing, squirming, chanting under Ennis's feverish hands and mouth. He was thankful they were on an iron bed; it hadn't always felt comfortable yesterday, talking sitting against the bars of the headboard, but it was now really handy, giving him something perfect to grip and hang on to above his head, as far as possible from Ennis's body, while he tried to resist his urge to touch Ennis back. He knew, though, that he wouldn't be able to keep fighting himself for much longer now.

Ennis had first showered him with hungry caresses and licks and kisses and playful bites everywhere, except for the parts of Jack which yearned for his touch the most, and that had felt incredible. Jack though had tried to only gasp.

But at some point, he hadn't been able to stop himself and had been automatically brushing his right foot up Ennis's left leg as Ennis worshipped his left inner wrist. Ennis had "tskked" him playfully, whispering that he was just getting started and that Jack surely could take it longer than that. Jack had moaned but backed off.

Later on, he had tried to focus on an invisible spot on the ceiling when he had started to hear himself moan regularly, but that hadn't worked for long, 'cause Ennis, though still not touching them in any way, had then started to blow on all the sensitive spots on his way down and up his body. So Jack had started talking — "Ennis, God, Ennis" — and had actually felt Ennis's smile on his stomach.

But Ennis hadn't forgotten they were playing. "Boss, Jack."

And Jack had then adapted his song. He had been rewarded, though, as Ennis had finally stopped avoiding paying attention to the places which until then had stayed untouched.

And from then on, Jack had been gripping the bars of the headboard. He hadn't noticed when Ennis had picked up the lube, but he knew he had as he felt two fingers slip inside easily and play there for a while.

Jack knew he was lost when Ennis attacked his mouth again, playing in and out, in and out, mimicking the movements they both wanted to make soon with their hips. His right hand went behind Ennis's neck, urging him to continue the kiss, and his legs wrapped themselves around Ennis's waist of their own volition, wanting to have him close as he pushed and rolled their lower bellies together, wanting to have him trapped — trapped before Ennis could make him turn to play with his backside just as he had done with his front — knowing he wouldn't be able to take the waiting any longer.

Ennis plunged his tongue deeper then, leaving them both breathless when he stopped the kiss. Jack was now letting his hands roam free, on Ennis's arms, back, ass; needing to bring Ennis sort of closer still.

Ennis's rasped voice in his ear. "Tell me, Jack."

"Want you, Boss."

Ennis smiled, and Jack released some pressure from his legs, freeing Ennis from his grip.

"Cowboy."

"Need you, Cowboy."

Ennis worked his way down again swiftly.

"Ennis."

Then Ennis took him in his mouth as he started stretching him again with his fingers, Jack bucking and gasping and moaning breathlessly.

"Ennis... God... Ennis... Fuck... Come on... Ennis... Now..."

Ennis released him and locked their eyes together as his fingers kept making him squirm.

"Magic word, Jack."

Jack wondered how he could still follow the conversation while he was so far gone, but found the words that would finally let Ennis drop the game.

"Ennis... Please... Now."

Ennis smiled, his real smile, and whispered playfully, "Good stable boy."

Then he sat back between Jack's legs and lubed himself up.

"Yoo choose, Jack."

Jack flipped on all fours faster than he ever had, making Ennis kind of chuckle, "Thought you'd pick that one", except it all turned into a kind of deep rumble which only made Jack shiver. Ennis entered him, kept still for a few seconds which seemed to stretch for an eternity, and then they were both lost in each other.

Jack was keeping his balance, leveled on his left arm while holding onto the bars of the headbord with his right hand in order not to get crashed against it, as Ennis's hard, deep, quick thrusts made his eyes roll and cross behind his eyelids.

"Ennis..."

Ennis's right hand came just above his own, gripping the headboard hard too for support when he tried and succeeded in pounding even deeper, the slapping sounds each time their bodies met getting louder.

"Ennis... Ennis... Ennis..."

No friction on his cock was necessary this time. Jack came. Long. Blank.

He came back to the world to Ennis kissing his neck and back lazily now, rocking him gently. Then Jack couldn't hold himself up anymore and they collapsed next to each other, breathing hard still.

"Think I learned my lesson well?"

Ennis chuckled in his ear.

"I guess so. I wouldn't mind, though, refreshing your memory from time to time."

"I guess I won't mind either. And I guess we're gonna skip supper again. There's just no way I'll be able to leave the bed after this, huh." He grinned. "But do help yourself to some cold coffee, there's plenty if you want it."

Ennis laughed, "No thanks," and smirked right back, "But see, I knew it wouldn't be wrong to have all those beans for lunch, huh..."

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis woke up in the exact position he remembered falling asleep: holding Jack from behind. He could hear that it was raining outside; not really hard, but constantly. The kind of rain that would easily stick for hours, you bet.

Jack felt warm and cozy in his arms. Ennis's eyes were level with Jack's neck, right on that place he had come to crave because Jack's scent there was always strong: the place where Jack's hair ended and Jack's neck started. His eyes went down a bit, roaming over Jack's muscular shoulders and upper back. He wanted to feel those under his hands, but he didn't want to wake Jack up, so he just kept looking. He knew what he would see if his eyes could go lower, if they weren't so close. Jack's waist, still a bit more fleshy than when they were young but not as much as it had been a few years ago. Jack's angular hips, Jack's firm, athletic ass, thighs and calves. Strong all over. _His_ Jack.

Jack stirred and Ennis tugged him closer, letting him know he was awake too. Jack turned in his arms, and then Ennis got lost a moment in the deep blue of his eyes. He forced himself not to quickly withdraw, as he usually did. He just kept watching. It felt good, so he continued. Ennis then let his fingers slowly run all over Jack's face, taking his time, a little pleasure that he normally allowed himself only while Jack was asleep, 'cause it was so intimate. Jack started to smile and Ennis kissed him, closed-mouthed, soft and quick, not wanting to rush into anything. After that last amazing intercourse of yesterday, Jack might appreciate a little more time to recover.

"Is that all you got for me this morning, Cowboy?"

So Ennis dove in again, and again, until Jack seemed satisfied.

Jack then seemed to also notice that it was raining in that particular way outside. He gave Ennis a very promising gaze.

"Looks like we have an excuse to stay in bed all day, huh?"

Ennis laughed. Jack cuddled closer for a while and they laid intertwined in silence, listening to the rain. They finally showered, changed the sheets and brought cookies back to the bedroom for breakfast, sitting next to each other.

"By the way, Cowboy, you got me quite curious... What is your usual brush-off line, huh? And 'usual'? Should I keep you on a leash, huh?"

Ennis was surprised Jack remembered that little detail line in particular in all he had said that night, and shrugged.

"It's not THAT usual, don't bother."

"Well, I do bother." Jack grinned, "And it may turn out useful if I need a foot massage someday. Come on..."

Ennis recognized the tone. Jack was curious and wasn't gonna let it drop until Ennis spilled something, you bet. Ennis sighed.

"Well, first time I said it, it was actually because, well, it was the truth, and I was too stunned to think of something else, 'cause no woman had tried to hit on me, since, well, Alma, huh... It seemed to work pretty well. I mean, that woman, she just looked like she wanted to run away all of a sudden. So yeah, I've used it a few times since. But how this time it ended with a foot massage, I still don't get it... "

"Well, what do you say?"

"I wait for them to ask what I do for a living. Then I answer I'm castrating calves."

Jack blinked. And started to laugh. And couldn't stop. "You've gotta be kidding me. God, Ennis, that's a really catchy line."

Ennis shot him a very puzzled look, "Well, it's saying I'm a ranch hand. Which means I don't have that much free time, nor that much money. Plus, it's gross. Makes me seem rude, harsh and crude."

Jack laughed harder, "Oh boy, you got it all wrong. I guess you were right, in a way. Little Cassie, she has a silly mind, just like me. Don't you see it? It's quite... charged. You know," he stated whispering, as if sharing a secret, "All this bull-to-be power getting into you while you do that... Come on, I'm sure she wanted you to take her right there."

Ennis knew he was blushing and avoided Jack's gaze. "Jack..."

Breakfast time was over as Jack shoved all the cookies away and climbed on his lap. "Anyway. Now, being a rodeo king and all, I really wonder... Do you think I can tame that powerful bull of yours?"

Jack's impish grin was just irresistible.

"You can always give it a try, if you think you're up to the task, huh, Rodeo..."

And then, only thing that mattered to Ennis was that Jack was all his world, and that it was the only world he wanted to live in.

Some time later, after they had recovered, Jack was again the first to talk, flashing him one of those trademark big grin.

"Promise me you'll find a better brush-off line from now on, Cowboy. Like, 'I'm not interested'. Or better, 'My bull already belongs to a very sexy blue-eyed rodeo king'. You know, something like that, it's catchy too, but it wouldn't encourage them much."

Ennis chuckled. "Whatever... I'm not sure about that last line though, Bud..."

They stayed in bed all day.

**JACK POV**

The day after, the sun was back. It wasn't warm, but it was clear, and Ennis suggested they go hunting, maybe for an elk, as he had said in April.

They had been moving through the woods for a few hours when they found a nice specimen. As always, Jack then just watched: when it came to shooting, Ennis was the best, sure thing. Jack didn't bother, he always loved to be able to see the concentration on Ennis's features.

Ennis never flinched. Hadn't in '63, when they'd both been hungry for something other than just beans. Hadn't in '75. Wouldn't today. Jack realized there was a pattern here and suddenly wasn't in the mood for hunting anymore. Jack surely didn't need any sort of re-bonding ritual sacrifice this time. Done that already in '75, couldn't say it had worked that good, huh. And maybe it wasn't necessary because, well, actually... it felt like they had reconnected, already.

Ennis's finger started to move towards the trigger.

"Don't."

Ennis gave him a perplexed glance.

"Don't. We chased him, we got close without him noticing, and I know you wouldn't miss the shot. It's enough, Ennis. Let him be."

Ennis didn't seem persuaded.

Jack sighed. "We're not cavemen, Cowboy. And you don't have to prove to me that you can put food on the table, or whatever."

Ennis laughed, and lowered the gun. "My, My, Rodeo. When did you become that wise and philosophical, huh?"

Jack played hurt and shoved Ennis in the shoulder. "Hey. Anyway, I could survive on my own, you know..." He grinned, "Unlike you, I actually can fish."

And it was true. They both remembered the only time they had ever started fishing; Jack had got two bites before Ennis had finished his first cigarette.

Ennis shoved him back in the shoulder. "Only thing that means is that you're a lucky guy, Bud..."

Jack just gave him a look and continued, more seriously now, "Well, it sure feels like I am."

Ennis stopped laughing too and returned his gaze to the place where the elk had been a few moments ago, before their joking around had made him disappear; probably embarrassed, as he was whenever Jack hinted at too romantic words, even without saying them.

"Guess that elk shares that feeling, huh?"

Jack relished the moment for a while, feeling the air heavy with words unsaid, but words they shared nonetheless.

Ennis was the first to cut the silence. "On the practical side, we won't have to cut him open to prepare the meat, huh. I've never been a fan of that bloody part."

Jack laughed, feeling, as always, lightheaded when Ennis joked.

"Yep, you make a good point. But I have an even better one." Ennis looked at him and Jack grinned. "Means we can go back to the cabin right now, and not in 2 hours or so..."

Ennis smirked back. "Tired already, Rodeo?"

"On the contrary, Cowboy. But I sure wouldn't mind getting tucked into bed."

Ennis looked really interested now, and started to walk back to their horses.

"Better hurry then, before all your sweet talk gets us rolling in the muddy grass."

Jack followed on cue, whispering playfully, "There was a time we didn't mind about dirty muddy grass."

Ennis chuckled and blushed; and wasn't that a vision, huh... And don't forget the mumbling as he started walking faster...

"True. Once. Then we started bringing blankets along everywhere we went."

Jack let out a fake big sigh and playfully slapped his forehead. "Jeez, I knew I was forgetting something when I packed this morning."

They were back at the cabin in a time worthy of the Guinness Book of Records. And then they got the shower time Jack had been hoping for since their first night here. And, of course, it was great.

**ENNIS POV**

They played Battleship on a piece of paper to decide who would clean the dishes or take care of the horses after supper. It was something Jack had started years ago with some card game. It was silly, but it was fun, so they always played little games to share the daily chores. Ennis had soon added new games that he'd learned from his daughters to their collection. Battleship was one of those.

Then they ate pasta with ready-to-use tomato sauce out of a jar, one of their most refined usual meal. In twenty years, they still hadn't really improved on their cooking skills. They often joked about it, but never minded.

Tonight, Jack had won. He had chosen the horses, so Ennis was now cleaning the dishes, a smile on his lips.

_Lucky Jack, huh..._

Ennis had been touched by that little declaration this afternoon. But Ennis couldn't deny that Jack was right; he knew sure enough that he felt damn lucky too, huh. Being together was back to feeling just... right. And easy, and... well, really good.

Ennis wondered if he should give it to Jack tonight. He had planned it as a parting gift, but he wanted Jack to know that he felt the same; and he had something to make it more real than his little elk talk of this afternoon.

_That's what you came here for anyway, right?_

Ennis decided tonight would be the right moment. At least, it would be done, and he would stop torturing himself about the when and the how to do it, huh...

Jack returned just when Ennis had finished taking care of the fire to keep the cabin warm for some time. Ennis watched Jack wash his hands. He loved those hands.

_Of course you do. They're Jack's._

Ennis then walked to him, took his hand and led him towards the bedroom.

"I've got something for you, Bud."

Jack chuckled, seeing the direction the were going, "Yeah, sure. All hard and waiting for me to get in bed, right?"

Ennis felt some color rise to his cheeks. "Nah." He had to grin, though, as Jack gave him a deceived, playful pout.

When they got in the bedroom, Ennis brought Jack by the bed. "Just sit here and close your eyes."

Jack gave him another lustful look then, 'cause Ennis asking him to close his eyes usually led to more interesting things than sitting on the bed. "You're sure I don't need to get my clothes off?"

Ennis chuckled, "I'm sure."

Jack just gave up then, sighed loudly as if to say "You're nuts", and, after a last puzzled glance, went to sit against the headbord and let his eyelids fall.

Ennis didn't do much for some time, checking that Jack was keeping his eyes shut.

_Liar. You're just frozen. Do I have to kick your ass or what? I'd be happy to if I could, you know. Now, move!_

Ennis finally went for his bag, and, after a few zips and zips, went back to sit on the bed too, facing Jack, leaning on the footboard.

"So, can I open my eyes now?"

Ennis could see that Jack was now quite curious about all this, 'cause he wasn't able to sit still, and he decided to relish this a bit longer. He knew, though, that the real reason for delaying was that he was anxious as Hell.

"Not yet."

Ennis looked again at the little thing in his hand. Such a tiny thing, but which could mean so much. This was his solution. His way to make it enough, again. It still wasn't what Jack really wanted, and Ennis knew it. But Jack would realize that this was a huge, huge step for him, right?

_Just get it over with before you chicken yourself out of it. _

Ennis let out a big sigh and went for it.

"Give me your hand, Jack."

Jack did as asked and Ennis placed the rope he had tied to it in Jack's hand, then moved Jack's hand a bit higher to level the little item with Jack's eyes.

"Open your eyes, Bud."

Ennis watched closely. And saw all he had hoped to see on Jack's face. Surprise, amazement, and something like hope and joy too. Jack opened his mouth but just a gasp came out. He tried again, and his voice was sort of shaky.

"Ennis... Is this... Is this what I think it is?"

Ennis smiled, his real full smile. "Yeah, Jack. The key to my house. And it's for you to keep."

"God, Ennis, it's... I don't know what to say."

Ennis laughed softly, "Well, that's something new!"

Jack chuckled. Ennis bit on his lip for awhile, and then went on. "See, Bud, I've been thinking. Seriously thinking. And I know now that I was wrong all along. To keep you safe, Jack, I have to let you near, and not push you away 'till... I realize it's not... And you'll still be the one on the road and all. But for now...", he sighed, "I can't do more, Bud. I'm trying something hard here, you know... But I want you to know that... You should know that... I won't reject you ever again. Never, Jack. I swear."

Jack was now quiet, and his eyes had gotten a bit shiny. Ennis knew his own eyes must look just the same.

Then Jack whispered, "God, Cowboy, I'm really gonna start dreaming again, you know that, right?"

"Well, it's maybe damn time I start dreaming a bit too."

Jack laughed. Genuine, pure joy. "Who are you and what have you done to Ennis del Mar?"

Ennis smiled shyly back. "Threw him away in a bin, got tired of him always being such an ass, huh..."

There was nothing but silence for a few seconds, but it was a silence they shared, and it felt good.

But Ennis wasn't finished. He braced himself and went on. "There are rules though."

Jack chuckled, "I knew it! Good old Ennis again, huh." Then he sat straighter, and Ennis was relieved to see that Jack wasn't making fun of it but took it seriously too, if only for Ennis's sake. "Go on, tell me all about the unbreakable rules."

"Well, I know the road to my house is not a big major road, and I know I don't have close neighbours, but we have to be discreet, you know. Really discreet, Jack. That's something that won't ever change, and I ain't joking."

Jack tilted his head towards him. "I guess there are specifics arrangements then, to be discreet enough in your eyes?"

"You should check before taking the turn that there are no others cars around. And I built a carport, but the back is shut, so you can't see anything from the road. Don't want people to be able to notice eventually how long you stay. So that's where you have to park your pick-up."

"I can do that."

"And whatever we do, we can't go to Riverton. If we feel like having a drink or go to eat somewhere, if you need gas, or anything else, we're just going... somewhere else."

Jack smiled, and inched closer. "I bet there isn't that much to do in Riverton anyway."

Ennis felt uneasy; the next one was the one which he wanted Jack not to take the wrong way. He sighed, let his head drop and took the plunge.

"And here's the last one. I have the girls normally each last weekend of the month. But it changes sometimes. And Junior is soon going to get her driving license. And, well, you can't plan everything... So... it may happen that you won't be able to turn your key and open the door, 'cause I'll let mine full in the lock if the girls — or anyone else — are inside."

"Ennis!"

"Please, Jack, I'm not finished. The odds of it happening aren't that high anyway, there are really not that many people who are used to paying me a visit. I just had to think on the possibility, because we have to play safe. I just don't want anybody to know that you have a key. If you can't use your key, you'll know we're not alone. But you knock, and I will let you in. You hear me here Jack; I will let you in. You can say that you were in the area for your work or something, and that you had time for a drink. The girls saw you once already, I really don't think they would ask themselves too many questions... I mean, last month, I realized something. Buddies do get out together, talk and even tease each other, and no one ever bothers. I guess I was always scared of being seen with you because _I_ know that you're not just a buddy. But I realized that it doesn't mean that my girls or the waitress or the others customers would know that too..." He sighed. "Not that I don't want my girls to know, but... let's go slow, ok?"

Ennis didn't dare to get his eyes up again. Jack wasn't saying one word and he felt like his chest would explode from all the tension within.

"You really thought about all this, huh."

Ennis still couldn't guess if this little whisper was a good or a bad sign.

"Yeah. That's pretty much the deal."

He felt the bed shift as Jack moved closer.

"Ennis..."

Ennis finally brought his eyes up again, comforted by the way Jack's thumb was stroking his cheek.

"I think it's a pretty good deal."

And when Jack kissed him, Ennis knew he had been right.

"Nice to see you're getting some sense in your old age."

He grinned, relieved, "I'm not old."

"Whatever."

They kissed again, for a long time, stroking each other's faces and losing themselves in each other's eyes.

Until they needed more, and Jack started removing Ennis's clothes, unhurriedly but steadily, and Ennis followed his lead.

And Ennis knew what he wanted now. The only time _this_ had happened had been years ago, their first trip after his divorce, in this very same bed. But then, it had been utterly for Jack — it had been the best way Ennis had found, after the debacle, to tell Jack everything he wanted to say but couldn't bring himself to actually say. Tonight, it was for Jack too, of course — was there even one thing he did which wasn't for Jack, huh? — but somehow, this time, it was for himself too. Ennis slicked himself and whispered as he placed himself at Jack's entrance.

"Keep 'em open."

Jack's features softened for one wonderful, long second. Ennis's eyes locked with Jack's, black now in the full night's cloak, but Ennis could swear he was seeing that unique shade of blue anyway, so bright were they glowing from within. Then Ennis pushed in, his grunt and Jack's gasp echoing around them as one sound, the key in their joined hands as a talisman.

Jack bit his under lip to muffle his moan. He seemed already so far gone, but — which was sort of funny for someone who most of the time never seemed to be able to get there fast enough: hands clutching or back arching, hips rocking, always begging for more, more, and now, in that always "and don't you dare deny me, 'cause I can be just as strong as you are and you damn well know it" way — Ennis could sense that this time, again, Jack wanted it to last. And Ennis had no problem at all with that; as far as he was concerned, it should last _forever_.

So he held on, for both their sakes; strong and steady, yet slow, one thrust at a time, making them both moan, grunt or shiver at each hit, but waiting for it to subside before moving again, Jack's eyes or his own closing a few times of their own volition with the intensity of it all, but always opening again to find their other half's burning brighter than the sparkling lightning behind their eyelids the moment before.

Until it all became too much, just too much, and Ennis couldn't keep one rasped, desperate "Jack" from escaping his lips as his thrusts turned more frantic. But Jack didn't seem to mind, if the "God, yes, Ennis" he answered was any indication, and soon Ennis heard the precious last hissed "Ennis", felt Jack spasm as his stomach got wet, the mix of it all sending him over his edge too, losing himself in Jack's body and finding himself back in Jack's soul.

**JACK POV**

Jack wasn't even trying anymore to understand what was going on. Each day Ennis surprised him more and more. It was... incredible, overwhelming, exhilarating, addictive, amazing, wonderful, and best of all: it was real. As real as the key now clutched in his hand, a key to a house, Ennis's house; but even more, a key to a future which had never felt, in 20 years, so possible as now. Jack knew that Ennis, by giving him his key, was in fact 'checking the water'. Testing if it felt safe enough for him, before taking the real leap.

_No wonder he understands horses so well, he's just like them. A frightened filly: ask him to cross a river and he WILL try to throw you, but just go step after step, and well, he'll move forward._

If Jack had learned anything from these last six months, it was maybe that giving Ennis the time and space he needed seemed to be, after all, what worked best. Ennis had written last month. And now Ennis was listening; and even better, he was talking back. Ennis had said he couldn't do more FOR NOW. Ennis had said he was TRYING something. Ennis had said he should START dreaming. So Jack would play slow, very slow, but if he had gotten Ennis this far, way farther than he had thought possible for years, Jack believed there was a real chance for that huge little bit more, someday. And for now, that was enough. More than enough.

They made love slowly, tenderly, and when Ennis entered him, he didn't ask Jack to close his eyes, as he still did anytime he took him face to face. And they held each other's gaze all the way through, and, in the depths of whiskey-brown, Jack saw what had to also be in his own blue, every gasp, moan, shiver, and said or unsaid promises, while holding the key in their joined hands. It was better than great this time; it was fucking beautiful. Jack knew exactly what it cost Ennis to allow _that_, and he knew that those three whispered words — "Keep 'em open" — meant exactly the same as the three other words Ennis believed to be forbidden between them. So yeah, beautiful, you bet.

Afterwards, they lay facing each other and stayed silently lost in each other's eyes, still holding the key in their joined hands, until they fell asleep. Jack could swear they still stayed locked together in their dreams, 'cause all he could remember when he awoke the next day was having swum in melted amber all night long.

The end of the week came, as always, far too soon. They had cleaned every inch of the cabin, and their stuff was packed in their trucks. It was time to part. But for once Jack didn't feel like bitching about it. It was sad, and yet not as sad as it used to be. Even their goodbyes felt easier. In a way, it turned out... kinda soothing.

Normally, they shared a last smoke while leaning against one of their pick-ups, trying not to look at each other before exchanging their usual goodbyes — Ennis's "You take care, Bud" and Jack's simple "You too" — as Ennis would crush the cigarette under his foot before climbing into his pick-up.

But today, when Ennis came to lean against Jack's pick-up, he took Jack by the hand and brought him close until Jack was nestled between his legs. And they kept holding each other by the loops in the back of their jeans, just sharing the silence, forehead to forehead, for quite a long time.

"Time to go, Bud."

"I know."

But they didn't move; quiet for a time.

"I'm real glad you came, Jack."

He chuckled, "You told me that already." Then he sobered, continuing seriously, "I'm real glad I came too."

Ennis squeezed him closer briefly. "Take care, huh."

Jack squeezed back. "You too."

Then they let go of each others and Ennis started to move towards his pick-up. He turned back before opening the door.

"Well, I guess I'll see you around."

And Jack felt like laughing. He suddenly realized that it was just EXACTLY what Ennis meant. What Ennis had always meant, each time those words had escaped his lips. Jack would never try to find another meaning behind them anymore. He smiled.

"Oh yeah, you will."


	10. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9: LIGHTNING FLAT — NOVEMBER 13****TH****, 1983**

**JACK POV**

Jack followed Ennis's pick-up, until, as always, one had to turn right and the other one left.

It didn't feel as bad as it usually did. They even waved each other goodbye...

Jack smiled to himself; he hadn't told Ennis he'd planned to take advantage of being in Wyoming to go to his parents' for a few days, as usual. Ennis hadn't asked, probably biting his tongue not to try to get some hint about Jack's first possible visit. Maybe he thought Jack'd go to Lightning Flat; maybe not. But Jack had already decided that he was going to stop in Riverton on the way back. It was a longer drive for sure, but he wasn't going to waste the occasion to use the key. And see Ennis's eyes.

_My key... Jeez, stop it, you're way too old to bounce around like a two year old, huh..._

He stopped by a payphone in the next town he crossed. Things had been put straight with Lureen, and she knew this trip was really important to him. So he knew she wouldn't mind if he needed a few more days more than first planned, as long as he warned her before, both so that she wouldn't worry and so that she could plan things right for the business if necessary. Lureen wasn't there, so he just left her a message on the answering machine.

He was about to get back to his car when he realized he wanted to call someone else. He couldn't shout it to the world, but he could share it with at least one person, and that felt nice. And he had promised he would call, after all...

"Taylor's ranch. Malone speaking."

"Hi Rand."

"Jack! How are things going in Wyoming? I've been waiting for your call all week... You probably had better things to do, right?"

Jack chukled, unable to hide how high he still felt after one week with his Cowboy. "Yeah."

"Good for you."

Jack got more serious, confiding, "Rand, it's just... It's so much more... He gave me his key."

"Really? Wow! Not that tight-assed anymore, then?"

Jack laughed out right this time, "Seems not." He sobered again. "Rand... His key. He gave me his fucking key. I was already glad enough he still wanted to see me, but this... You were right. I really have to thank you, you know, for... everything. You helped me to not lose it, not to do stupid things, and now here I am. I have his key."

"I'm really glad for you Jack. Promise me you'll tell me about all this when you get back, ok?"

"You're sure you're gonna have enough time? It's gonna be a LONG talk. With lots and lots of repetitions. Did I mention already that he gave me his key?"

He heard Randall laugh good-naturedly, "A few times. Anyway, I'm sure it will be a long talk. I have things to tell you too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah... But, well, now I really have to go. Roy is calling me. Just call me when you get back, ok?"

"Fine. Bye."

The drive seemed shorter than usual, no sadness or anger tainting the reliving of his week with Ennis as he covered the familiar empty miles. Soon he was parking in front of his parents' house, and, as usual, his Mom came out to welcome him even before he was out of his pick-up.

**JACK'S MOTHER POV**

She saw it right away; Jack always wore his heart on his sleeve, or, more accurately, on his face. Today, her son was... beaming. He was happy. Truly happy. She would have liked to talk with him about his refound happiness, but some things were always left unsaid. She believed she knew enough anyway. After all, she was his mother.

Today, Jack had on his face what she had come to call to herself 'the happy Ennis smile.' The one that lit his eyes up from within. The one she had seen first that day in '67...

Jack had come to show them some pictures of Bobby. At some point, John had complained about how difficult it was getting to find proper help around here, and Jack had, for the first time, told them that one day he would bring Ennis del Mar, the ranch hand he had met that second year up on Brokeback. And when he had said that name, he had had that smile on his face. He had had that smile on his face since he had arrived, but she had realized then that this name was the reason for her son's smile. And since, each time Jack would let out this name, he would smile. She would keep silent, John would spit in his coffee, but Jack always made as if he didn't notice anything and kept that smile on his face. Visit after visit after visit.

She hadn't seen the happy smile for several years now though. It had been replaced by what she called 'the sad Ennis smile'. It started the same, but then a shadow would come and dim the brightness in her son's eyes. And that last time Jack had been here, this Spring, well, there had been no smile at all. No real ones at least, 'cause there had been a few fake ones. And, for once, there had been no word about Ennis del Mar either. On the contrary, someone else had been vaguely mentioned. But she had known when her son had left that nothing had really changed. Because the shirts had been hanging there still. Worse, they had been wet. Maybe wetter than usual.

She had found the shirts in '64. Jack had left to run on the rodeo circuit, and she had decided to put as much as possible of his things in boxes, so it would easily stay dust free until his return. Jack hadn't really talked about his second summer up on Brokeback Mountain, which had been odd, 'cause he had been unstoppable about his first summer up there, bragging for months. Only thing he ever had said about the summer of '63 had been the few words he had uttered when he had got back earlier than planned: "A storm was coming. We had to bring them down early. Too early."

So when she had found those shirts, she had realized why. Why Jack was so silent, and why it had been too early. Jack had a secret. She hadn't been able to guess whose blood was staining the shirts, but she had known the white one tucked inside Jack's denim one wasn't Jack's. She had understood she wasn't supposed to touch them — she probably wasn't even supposed to know about them. So she hadn't. She hadn't touched anything at all, then, not wanting John, if he was one day to get into this room, to notice them; which he would, if they were the only things left to see, even in the very back of the walk-in closet.

When Jack had come back in '66, saying he was getting married and would live in Texas from now on, he had packed a few things and had taken them to his new home. But he had left those shirts here, and she had known that her son, though looking as if he had moved on, just hadn't. And when Jack had said this name, his name, in '67, and that this smile had got on his face, she had known it was the name of the owner of the white shirt. Ennis del Mar. The secret finally had a name.

She cleaned the room regularly, and looked for the shirts after each visit from her son. She would often notice that they had been moved, and — she guessed — clutched. She had been hoping now for years that she wouldn't find them hanging here anymore. Since the happy smile had turned into the sad one. Since she knew the shirts would be found wet.

Ennis del Mar. She would have liked to listen to her son talk about him. She would have liked to meet him too. Of course, none of the above would happen.

Ennis del Mar. Twenty years now, and his shirt was still here, tucked protectively inside Jack's. Twenty years, and he still was the red line running through her son's life. She knew what it meant. She wasn't sure how happy she should be about it all. And about her son lying to those he was supposed to love the most. But she couldn't deny it.

And now she was surprised by the sudden change, but there was no way she was reading it wrong. Today, her son was happy again. So, despite it all — despite the lies, all that was always left unsaid, and the hurt she knew her son had been put through — she was happy. If her son was, then so was she. After all, she was his mother.

She was surprised when Jack told them he was staying the whole week this time. But, well, John was happy about the extra help, and, for once, didn't even try to irritate Jack for coming alone, the way he usually did. And she was happy about him being here, so no one questioned the matter further.

Some things were just better always left unsaid.

For the second time, there were no word about Ennis del Mar. But that smile — _his smile_ — stayed on Jack's face the whole week. And when her son left, the shirts were still hanging, but they were not wet.


	11. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10: WAITING, AGAIN... — FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18****TH****, 1983**

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis was... frenzied. The week had ticked away in a rush, but too slowly too. Since he had got back Sunday evening, all he had been thinking about had been: _He didn't say if he was going to his folks this time. __He usually does. Hell, I hope he does; chance he stops here on the way back then..._

But now it was Friday evening and, well, Jack wasn't here. And Ennis was lost trying to stop the voices in his head. Again...

_That was a really quick shower, Del Mar._

_Well, sue me. Is he coming, or not? It's Friday. Guess it's the last chance for this time... _

_Calm down._

_Can't._

You should. He normally stays up there a day or two — that's what he says, usually. So he's probably back in Texas already now. Maybe he couldn't be away more than a week this time. No big deal, all right?

_I know... But maybe he could, and he didn't want to come in the middle of the week, which would have left us with only a few hours before I'd have to go to work... Damn, is he coming, or not? _

_Jeez, stop being nervous. Pacing back and forth digging a trail in your poor floor won't change anything anyway. You should have asked if you wanted to know THAT bad. _

_Yeah, but that wouldn't have made the point, right? The point is that he can come whenever he wants, and without a warning. _

_Will you just breathe for a few seconds. No need for him to come if you give yourself a heart attack, huh... _

_No time. Have to put the extra food I bought in the cupboards._

_You mean you've been shopping again? The cupboards are full already!_

_I had to. You know Jack. He's always hungry. Better clean the place too, just in case... _

_You did that Wednesday already._

_I know. And it's not too bad looking now, but hey, there shouldn't be any mess. Lureen changed him a bit for sure. The way he packs his bag now... I'm sure he's super neat... Should change the sheets too..._

_You did that already yesterday — like you did each day of this week... Never thought you had so many sheets..._

_Well... So what? Things happened since yesterday..._

_Yeah, I know. Thrice. So what? Like you won't make a mess of it anyway if he shows up!_

_Still... Wouldn't be right. I'm just changing them, and you have to shut up... Now, see, all fresh. Oh, better check that there's place enough for his pick-up by the carport..._

_You know there is. Don't be stupid, you only built it for that reason, so... _

_Yeah, but I tend to leave things everywhere in the yard..._

_No, you don't. And if you ever did, it wouldn't be there. Anyway, you already checked that when you came back from the ranch..._

On and on and on. Ennis started to believe he really had two personalities. They both seemed to like Jack enough though, so he guessed he was still quite sane.

But suddenly he heard a car take the turn to his house, and the voices — _finally_ — just stopped talking. He rushed to the front door...


	12. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11: A KEY AND ITS LOCK... — FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18****TH****, 1983**

**JACK POV**

Jack was finally in Riverton.

He started fidgeting in the seat, feeling light-headed. And a bit nervous too, to be honest.

_Well, who can blame me? Better see if it's for real before I get all dreamy again. The sooner the better._

He saw the carport from quite a distance and felt better. Another proof that he hadn't been dreaming. He knew there was no one around but checked twice, just in case, took the turn, and parked next to Ennis's pick-up. It wasn't completely dark yet, but he could see some light inside; Ennis was home. He couldn't help but grin stupidly as he walked to the door.

The key was in his pocket, but he knocked; Ennis was here, after all. His knuckles only had time to touch the wood once when the door sprang half open. And right there, behind his still-raised fist, stood a grinning Ennis.

_Damn. _

Only five days apart, but that sight was still enough to make his insides lurch.

"Lost your key, Jack?"

"Of course not, but—"

"Then use it."

Click.

And Jack found himself again in front of a closed door. He stayed frozen to the spot for a few seconds, then took his key out and got it in the lock. He realized then why Ennis had insisted he used it. It made it... more real. He could get inside on his own. He had a key.

He stepped inside, taking his key out of the lock.

"Go on, close the door."

He saw Ennis's key half in the lock on the other side of the door.

"Are your folks all right?"

Jack smiled to himself; his Cowboy sure knew him. He answered, just as deliberately casual, while locking the door with Ennis's key, "Yeah, well, you know, the usual."

The sound of the latch closing made the tension in the hall suddenly rise. This wasn't the middle of nowhere. This wasn't a cheap motel room. This was Ennis's place. And it felt as if, in a way, they weren't hiding anymore. And he knew Ennis would realize that too, now. So he left Ennis's key fully in the lock and slowly turned, returning the question in a soft, soothing voice, "You?"

But there was no fear to see in the smile he got in return as Ennis came closer and pushed his forehead against his own, meeting his eyes straight on. "I am, now."

Jack couldn't help but melt some more.

_Now that I'm here. _

He smiled.

And then Jack couldn't talk, and couldn't think, 'cause he was pinned against the door; Ennis's hands were on him, Ennis's tongue was in his mouth and, as always when Ennis was the one starting their kiss, everything got lost in a blur. This time was no exception, even if he felt that Ennis was trying to keep things slow, 'cause though Ennis's fingers were digging in his waist and Ennis's hips were leaving him no way out — _not that I would want one anyway_ — none of them were moving; they were just holding him there, and the kiss was deep, but slow, and far too short.

"Welcome home, Jack."

'Home'. Something Jack had longed to hear from that voice for... ages. Ennis had said 'home'. And though Jack knew they still weren't living together, it felt all right anyway.

_Home is where the heart is, right? _

Everything seemed to get slow-motioned as Ennis took his bag and swung it over his shoulder, then tilted his head, indicating that Jack should follow, probably planning to give him the tour of the house. And suddenly, it felt too much. Just too much. Jack could feel words blossoming in his chest, and this time, he knew he wouldn't be able to keep them in. He sighed and started pacing a bit, leaving Ennis stunned for sure.

"Sorry Ennis but... I'm tired, Cowboy. Tired of biting my tongue all the time. Tired of saying that I like, that I care, that I want, that I need... It's all of it, Ennis, and so much more. And now that I'm here and..." He stopped pacing and met Ennis's cornered gaze, "I NEED to say it, just this once. It's not for you, it's for me. So you don't wanna hear it, just cover your ears and close your eyes... Now."

- - - POSTCARD PERFECT MOMENT, THE KIND THAT STAYS FROZEN IN YOUR MIND FOREVER — THEREFORE WRITTEN IN THE PRESENT TENSE - - -

Ennis doesn't flinch, doesn't move, doesn't even take his eyes away. He looks uncomfortable as Hell all right, but he holds his ground, finally allowing Jack to say the words he'd been keeping in for twenty years; maybe finally allowing himself to accept 'that thing' for what it is, for what it had always been. Twenty years. But still, it comes out as gentle, soft and light as a summer breeze. Their summer breeze.

"I love you Ennis. Always have, and I'm pretty sure always will."

Ennis still holds his ground, keeping their eyes locked, so Jack gets closer again, and, mimicking Ennis's trademark but too rare gesture, brings their foreheads together, and lets it out again, word after word, seeing them echoed in the brown depths he knows so well.

"I. Love. You."

Then Ennis takes Jack's hand in his own, never letting go of Jack's gaze, and nods. They stay like this in silence for a while, probably both feeling stupidly happy and near to tears at the same time, until, after some time, Ennis gets fidgety.

"Jack…" Ennis pauses, sighing. "Jack… I—"

Jack's fingers suddenly on Ennis's mouth, stopping the words before they get out. "Hush, Cowboy. This was about me. You don't have to. I know, Ennis, I know."

Ennis seems relieved, but ashamed, and Jack's heart just melts a little bit more. So he smiles a bit, for his Cowboy's sake, and decides that the tour can wait — the house will still be here tomorrow, huh.

"You can show me though."

- - - END — HAPPY SIGH BACK TO THE NARRATIVE PAST TENSE - - -

**ENNIS POV**

It seemed time stretched out as he waited behind his front door. Jack. It would be Jack. He heard steps getting closer, and closer, but it felt like an eternity before a knock could be heard. He wasn't surprised, he had been expecting it. Jack would never feel like he could enter someone else's house unannounced, even if he had a key.

He jerked his door open, and couldn't stop grinning like a fool when he saw that, indeed, it was _his _Jack on his doormat.

_Damn. _

Only five days apart, but that sight was still enough to make him at once happy and weak in the knees.

He stopped himself from just grabbing Jack and letting him see just how glad he was that he was here at last, as one of the voices in his head just yelled for him to. He knew he had to listen to the other one, the one he had decided to listen to all week, the one with which he had planned that moment, wanting it to turn out just right, the one which whispered now to him that what he really wanted was for _his_ Jack to feel at home. Ennis's house shouldn't be someone else's house to Jack, right?

"Lost your key, Jack?"

"Of course not, but—"

"Then use it."

His last thought before the door got closed, nearly on Jack's nose, was that Jack's puzzled expression was definitely worth laughing. He could only smile though.

A few seconds later, Jack was in his sight again, with that damn irresistible dreamy half smile of his on his face, and Ennis knew he had made the right choice. He encouraged Jack to go on with the motions that he wanted Jack to make his own, trying to keep things light and casual, leaving enough time for it all to sink into Jack's mind as it should, contenting himself for now with just watching Jack from the side while he closed the door.

He saw Jack smile his dreamy little smile again as he asked about his parents, and had to fight himself again in order to NOT kiss that mouth.

And then, everything got still as the soft sound of the latch closing echoed loud around them and left them both thunderstruck. This wasn't the middle of nowhere. This wasn't a cheap motel room. This was his place. And it felt right... official, in a way. They weren't in the open, but they weren't a dirty little secret anymore either.

Then Jack was asking him if he was all right, so much concern audible in his voice that it made his heart clench, and Ennis knew Jack was thinking that too.

And he knew that he should let Jack know that, yes, he was all right. He smiled back, got close, brushed their foreheads together, and forced himself to speak. He had decided last month that he should speak, and though it had been and still felt difficult, he had discovered at Don's, surprisingly, that he actually liked telling sweet things to Jack, and not only because he knew it would make Jack beam, but because it made him feel good too.

"I am, now."

Three little words. The simple truth, after not being all right _at all_ for six long torturing months, and after feeling crazy from waiting for Jack to show up all week. Hard to let out, but more than worth the trouble, as one dreamy smile, again, got on Jack's lips. And then, Ennis surrendered to that screaming voice in his head and — _at last_ — enjoyed the feeling and the taste of _his_ Jack against him for a while.

_SLOW DOWN AND STICK TO THE PLAN!_

The second voice in his head was shouting too now, and he knew he should listen to it.

He disentangled himself from Jack and spoke the words he knew would mean it all: "Welcome home, Jack." And saw the glow he had wanted to see in Jack's eyes.

_Stop watching those eyes, stop watching…_

He needed to get on with the plan before he could get lost in Jack, the way he always did when Jack shone with joy like that. Taking Jack's bag, showing Jack the house, making Jack comfortable. That was for now his priority, right?

But Jack suddenly averted his eyes, seeming uneasy.

"Sorry Ennis but..."

_What the Hell?_

"I'm tired, Cowboy. Tired of biting my tongue all the time. Tired of saying that I like, that I care, that I want, that I need..."

_No way. He's not going there. He's not, he's not, he's not... He can't!_

"It's all of it, Ennis, and so much more. And now that I'm here and..."

Jack sighed, but in a way that told Ennis Jack wasn't finished talking AT ALL.

_Shit. He can._

Then Jack met his eyes again, and Ennis knew he was trapped. That powerful gaze left him no choice. No way he was going to escape those blue pools this time. No way. He couldn't help but dive in them.

"I NEED to say it, just this once. It's not for you, it's for me. So you don't wanna hear it, just cover your ears and close your eyes... Now."

- - - ANOTHER TENSE SWITCH HERE, TO MIRROR THE FIRST - - -

Jack's voice had turned low-pitched at the end, and Ennis cringes as he realizes what Jack just said. _His_ Jack. As usual, never forcing himself upon him. Warning, asking.

_He knows you well, oh yes, he knows you well. Fucking coward._

And Ennis is lost, again, as those voices start fighting again in his head.

_You don't want to hear it. You can't._

___Liar. You DO want to hear it. _

___Ok, maybe you do. But you can't._

___Of course you can. It's nothing new, right? You've known it for twenty damn years, so why should it be such a shocking problem? Doesn't matter anyway, if you can or not. You have to. If he needs it, then just deal with it. Don't you dare even think about moving one muscle. _

And Ennis can't deny that. So Ennis doesn't move.

Twenty years. But still, it comes out as gentle, soft and light as a summer breeze... Their summer breeze.

"I love you Ennis. Always have, and I'm pretty sure always will."

Jack so close now, so close to him, letting the words fall again, softly, one after the other.

"I. Love. You."

Ennis keeps their eyes locked and takes Jack's hand in his free one, clutching Jack's bag hard in his other hand to hold himself together; wondering if he's gonna start crying, 'cause he's a mess right now. A good mess, 'cause he's happy. Happy to hear it aloud, happy that he didn't escape, happy that Jack seems happy that he didn't escape. But a mess nonetheless; ashamed for first having wanted to escape, and ashamed, again, truly ashamed, as he realizes that he can't reciprocate. Not that he doesn't feel it. But there's his father's voice in his head — _No right. You have no right to say it_ — and he can't block it out.

___Coward, again. He deserves it. HE DESERVES IT._

"Jack..."

Ennis tries, fails, and sighs.

_Coward. Try again._

"Jack... I—"

But then Jack's fingers are stopping him from trying to speak again.

"Hush, Cowboy. This was about me. You don't have to. I know, Ennis, I know." Jack's voice; soft, so soft. Jack's eyes; bright, so bright. And then, "You can show me though."

That dark spark in Jack's eyes, and Ennis is lost; powerless, as always. His nice plan totally forgotten as he lets Jack's bag fall to the floor, brings Jack to him with their joined hands, and kiss him. Somehow slow and soft again first, and then desperately, after hearing Jack's usual first little moan, the one that always unleashes something fierce and un-tamable deep inside him; a hunger, a need, for this man, and this man alone. _His_ Jack. Never enough, never enough. Should he live even for thousands and thousands of years, Ennis knows that he would never be able to quench that thirst, that compulsive, essential longing for _his_ Jack.

So he can't help but devour Jack, tugging both their shirts out of their pants and fumbling blindly at their buttons while Jack starts on their belts and zippers. Pushing Jack up the stairs, into the bedroom, and to the bed, where they stumble out of their jeans and on top of each other, Ennis's hands now tangled in Jack's hair, never breaking the kiss. Then letting his mouth travel down, down, down Jack's torso, then up again, then on his shoulder, on his neck, on his ear, breath short and hot.

"I'm gonna show you, Jack."

- - - END — HAPPY SIGH BACK TO THE NARRATIVE PAST TENSE - - -

**JACK POV**

"I'm gonna show you, Jack."

_Yes, oh, yes._

Then suddenly Ennis rolled them over, slowly stroking Jack's face now above him.

"But to do that, I need your help, Rodeo."

And with that, Ennis circled Jack's hips with his long legs, and squeezed, holding Jack tight a brief moment, letting Jack know what he meant, what he wanted.

This was just... unexpected; and never done.

"You sure?"

Ennis blushed, but his eyes turned serious and certain as he held Jack's gaze.

"Yes, I AM sure. Quit asking that."

And suddenly Jack wanted to curse himself for rushing things.

"Wait. Have to fetch my bag. It's still at the door."

But Ennis kept him close with his left arm while his right hand blindly opened his nightstand drawer. And then Ennis was handing him lube. Jack's already puzzled eyes widened some more.

_Ennis bought lube? He actually went in a store and bought lube?_

It didn't matter that it could easily pass for something he would buy to use at the ranch. Ennis had known what it would be used for when he bought it, and that idea alone said... a lot!

But then Ennis smiled again, that so rare, true, full smile, and Jack couldn't keep thinking about anything except how mind-blowing that sight always was.

"Come on, Jack, help me show you."

And Jack decided then that, just like the tour of the house, his questions could wait too.

"All right." He grinned. "Come here."

Jack couldn't help but find that his "Come here" sounded tender and soft, nothing like the low sexy rumble from Ennis, but it seemed to work just the same, seeing as Ennis tilted his head up, silently asking for a kiss.

Taking Ennis was always... special, knowing that it meant what Ennis could never say. But it was still quite rare, and before, Ennis would always turn and offer his back. So Ennis was now letting one of his last walls fall, and Jack felt loved. And when, after some time, he finally entered Ennis, and Ennis kept his whiskey eyes open and clear, lost in Jack's, Jack knew. Oh yeah, he knew he was loved.

And then Jack's mind went blank from shock, again.

"God, Jack... Harder."

Ennis wasn't just thrusting back to let Jack know which rhythm he wanted. Ennis was ASKING Jack to take him HARD?

_No way._

But Ennis brought his strong hands to Jack's ass, pulling him closer, deeper in.

"I said harder, Jack."

Jack was stunned. Ennis, his strong, tight-assed Ennis, had NEVER looked that... trusting, open, vulnerable, needy. Needy for him. And it stirred something dark, but warm too, in Jack's mind. Jack hardened and quickened his thrusts, amazed at Ennis's reactions then. He couldn't tell if it was because of this, for Ennis, new position, or because Ennis had finally let all his guards down, but he knew, he knew that now would be the time to let Ennis feel how good it was, really was, to be the one beneath.

So, Jack tried to concentrate on Ennis, despite the unbelievable way Ennis was clenching over and over around him. Looking for the rhythm and the strength that made him gasp, moan and shiver; wanting, needing to bring Ennis over that particular edge. And those eyes, what he could see in those eyes when he achieved his goal…

_God, do I always look like that to him? Is he seeing me as I see him now? Too much. It's too much._

Ennis, completely surrendered, falling, hard, and wanting to fall, all for him. So beautiful. And, as always, that sight was his undoing.

"Ennis!"

And he exploded inside Ennis's willing body; his orgasm one of the most intense of his whole life, probably from having so unexpectedly, yet so undeniably, succeded in bringing Ennis there in that way.

He bent his head to kiss Ennis again, wanting to lock them together a moment longer before inevitably retreating. Only to have Ennis stop him.

"Not yet."

Again, Jack felt loved. Truly loved. He slid into Ennis's welcoming mouth again, slow and soft this time. Then Ennis let his thumb run on his cheek and exhaled so softly that Jack could have missed it.

"God, Jack, I don't deserve you."

_What the Hell?_

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis couldn't believe what he was feeling. But he couldn't deny that he was. For real. Maybe it was the position, or his guard being down from focusing so hard on Jack, but it felt... unbelievable. He'd always enjoyed being taken by Jack, but this, this was beyond everything he had ever felt.

"God, Jack... Harder."

Ennis only realized what he'd said when the words connected with Jack's brain and that shock, again, was clearly visible all over Jack's face. Ennis never asked for anything when he bottomed, and he surely had never thought the day would come when he, Ennis del Mar, would be ASKING to be fucked HARD. But there was no going back. Hell, he didn't even want a chance to go back.

"I said harder, Jack."

His hands pulled on Jack's firm ass, needing him closer, deeper inside. And then feeling everything shift, slide, fall down — his control, his fears, his shame, everything — crashing down, down, down, freeing him from himself, as Jack started thrusting harder, deeper; and faster too after a while.

_Does it always feel like this for Jack? Is it always THAT good?_

Damn. Twenty years, and he had't had a clue. There was now indeed no going back possible. Fuck whatever it meant, whatever his father would say, whatever the world would think, whatever it made of him; Ennis knew, right there and then, that he would want to experience THIS again. Not only for that new unbelievable feeling deep inside him, but also for... that sight. _His _Jack, working over him, flushed, out of breath, little bits of sweat running down his temples, and so goddamn focused on him, concentrating on each little gasp or moan or shiver he couldn't keep in.

_Is that how he sees me too, when I'm on him? I must have known somehow; no wonder I asked him for so long to keep his eyes closed. I was afraid he'd see more than I wanted him to see... _

Jack, with eyes so full of love and concern that Ennis felt his heart melt further as his body burned brighter.

"God, Jack, Jack... Jack!"

And Ennis came, long and hard, clenching tight around Jack's cock; his own untouched, for the first time. Strange, but undeniable.

And that look in Jack's eyes. So much more than just satisfaction, knowing he had brought Ennis here, to this until now unknown place which was now his, which was now theirs. Just a flash, before he was lost, but Ennis had seen.

_His_ Jack, so beautiful, so tender, so... giving. Always giving, even when he took.

Jack climaxed, deep inside him, then slid into his mouth until the waves receded. But even then, Ennis wasn't ready to let him go. This feeling, this knowledge.

"Don't move. Not yet."

Jack smiled and kissed him again. And Ennis couldn't help but feel suddenly cold.

"God, Jack, I don't deserve you."

He only realized he'd spoken it aloud when he saw confusion all over Jack's face once more.

"Ennis? Ennis?"

Jack's voice, full of concern; again. It was... too much. He was totally powerless against it all, suddenly. Powerless against Jack's love. Twenty years, twenty fucking years summarized in that look in Jack's eyes, as he saw Ennis coming that way.

Ennis knew that whatever they were doing, he always worked to get Jack there too. But he'd just realized there was a difference, though. Ennis wanted to bring Jack there, of course, because he wanted Jack to feel and know all that Ennis couldn't say; but in a way also because it gave him a rush, knowing he was the one bringing Jack, _his_ Jack, over the edge. Making Jack come was a declaration; but a claim too.

But Jack, he had wanted to bring Ennis there... just because he had wanted Ennis to be there. Making Ennis come was a gift.

Jack always gave. He never pushed, and never took. This was the truth, and not only about bed matters.

"You just give, Jack, always give."

_I'm nothing but a selfish bastard, and a scared asshole_.

"I just take, and take, and take. Pick among everything you offer what suits me best and just ignore all the rest. All those years... Only thing I gave you: blows, blames, fears... Mexico, Jack, Mexico; how fucked up is that!" He sighed, "These last months... I know now, I know."

_Nothing is scarier than losing you, Rodeo. Nothing._

"But even knowing that... even tonight..."

_I couldn't say it, Jack._ _Twenty fucking years, and I still can't say it!_

He ran his thumb on Jack's cheek again, then averted his eyes, unable to hold Jack's gaze any longer.

"Why do you keep fighting for me, Rodeo? I'm SO not worth the trouble."

**JACK POV**

Ennis, _his_ Ennis, looked... broken. Completely, utterly, totally broken. And that was just too painful.

"Ennis. Look at me. It's all right. Look at me."

After some time, Ennis finally met his eyes again, and Jack felt stabbed when he saw that they were a bit shiny.

"Stop this, Ennis. Stop this. You can't mean what you say. You give me you. The real you. And I do know that I am the one, the only one you would allow to see that you. Not the you you think you should be, not the you you wanna be, not the you you try to be, but just... YOU. How could I ask for more, Cowboy?"

Ennis started averting his eyes again, but Jack called his attention back.

"And you really believe I don't know you must have lost a few jobs, or some chances to a better job because of it all? It's not because you never told before last April that I didn't know, Ennis. Three weeks a year. There are not that many bosses who would accept it, huh."

Then Jack's voice turned even lower as he confessed, "Knowing that you can't help wanting me, needing me... ME, Ennis, despite everything; despite your job, despite your damned fears, despite your desperate fucked-up wish to be what you call 'normal'... It's addictive, Ennis. I crave it."

_I need you to need me THAT bad._

"So, see, I'm selfish too. And you gave me your key, Ennis. Your key. Don't you dare say that it counts as nothing. That's more than I thought I would ever get. So don't worry about what you say or do or don't say or don't do now. It's all right, Cowboy. Really. It's all right."

Ennis still seemed unable to believe what Jack was pouring out, and Jack knew then that he should play his last card, hoping the revelation of his most hidden secret would make Ennis understand.

"And anyway, I don't care about the why, or the how, or about being worthy or not. Only thing that matters to me is that I need you, Ennis. You're not perfect? So what? I don't need perfect, I need you. You." He sighed, "If you need me to dig it all out... There were times in Mexico when all I asked for was to be held, Ennis. You know, the way you did that last evening on Brokeback. Just to be held. Nothing more."

Then, at last, Jack saw something snap in Ennis's eyes, and felt Ennis's thumb running that sweet path down his cheek once more, whispering one "Jack" so tenderly that it hurt. Jack nodded and went on.

"Yeah, you heard me. Driving hours for a fake hug, Ennis. See? No reins on this one. That's how much I need you, how much I've always needed you. No matter how hard I may have tried not to."

_Shit, got too carried here. Well, better tell it all then, now that you started..._

Jack now was the one averting his eyes. "When I got back home in April, when I believed... I tried. To need someone else. Get over you and let you be, like you asked. Thought if that was what you really wanted... I tried. Only to find out I couldn't. All it took was a kiss, Ennis."

He could feel Ennis's eyes searching his then, and met them straight on for a brief time.

"Kisses don't lie, you know..."

Ennis just sighed, "So... there WAS someone in Rutters..."

Jack nodded, ashamed but gauging from Ennis's tone that Ennis had already considered that eventuality somewhere in the past months.

"And it wasn't the foreman's WIFE."

"No." Jack sighed. "I didn't lie last weekend, Ennis. I really made it a woman then 'cause I wanted you to realize that you didn't like the idea of me and a woman either. I didn't say it all last weekend because it didn't really matter. It was Mexico, nothing more. Just... without the long drive."

Jack shifted then, and they moved until they sat next to each other against the headboard in silence for some time.

That silence finally worked on his nerves and Jack whispered, needing Ennis to tell him that he understood.

"You're not mad?"

He heard a sigh, and then quiet words, "Can't be mad at you. At me, yeah, but not at you. Told you."

Silence, again. But more peaceful, this time.

"All that time, and you still fall for that long-ago hug, huh?"

Ennis was nearly smiling at him while asking, and Jack knew he was trying to lighten the mood again. But now that Ennis was listening, Jack wanted Ennis to know it all, at last. He fixed his gaze on the wall in front of him and let himself go back in the past.

"Yeah. Foolish, huh, but even after all those years... It was... a perfect moment. Because it's when I knew... When I knew you'd taken me in."

_When I knew I got_ _you.__ That's when I started not only to dream, but to believe those dreams had a real chance_.

"Of course, the morning after, Aguirre made us leave, and I discovered your startle point was even lower than my mare's, and I doubted it all. But then you looked all sorry and," he sighed, "And then we were down and, well, you mentioned Alma."

_I knew I'd lost the battle before having a chance to fight it._

"I hoped, though, that maybe you would come around the next summer. You didn't, and... I tried to forget you but I couldn't: one day, while checking the rodeo's entries, I realized that, in a way, I was always searching for something. For you. That's when I knew, Ennis, that I had to find you again. Even if it'd been only to be a friend. And because of that hug, I believed you wouldn't turn me down if I did. It took me some time to figure that out, but it made sense. You'd let me in. We got us a bond, up there."

After a few seconds, Ennis broke the silence again, whispering, "Jack... Come here."

Ennis swung his leg around so that Jack now sat between his legs, held him tight from behind, placed his face in the crook of Jack's neck and rocked them both slowly, humming his mommy's melody in a loop, over and over again, for some time.

Jack just relaxed, letting his head fall back against Ennis's chest, past and present colliding and mingling in his mind behind his closed eyelids.

"Better?"

"Yeah... Thanks, Cowboy."

They stayed like that for some time, until Ennis murmured, "Can't believe he let you go..."

Jack heard there the hurt Ennis had first tried to hide, and felt relieved that Ennis wasn't keeping it in. Because if they could talk, then they could heal.

"Well, it's not like he had a choice." He turned a bit, until he was able to meet Ennis's eyes, "He knew he never had me to begin with anyway."

Ennis seemed surprised. "You mean... He knew about... us?"

"Yeah. I didn't know he knew, but, well, he knew."

Ennis was now totally puzzled. "Huh?"

Jack grimaced a bit, self deprecating. "In my mind, it was always... Well, and then... seems I can't help but shout your name."

Ennis looked surprised, "Oh..." Then he smirked, "Oh..."

"Yeah," Jack grinned a bit, "Satisfied, now? Seems you ruined me for anyone else... Guess I'm just stuck with you, Cowboy."

Ennis's eyes turned dark, then. "Want me to make you shout now?"

It was still whispered, but Jack recognized the tone.

_Oh, yes._

Press on Ennis's possessive string, and you were sure to get one Hell of a ride.

"You bet."

And then Ennis was all over him, nearly nailing him into the mattress. And pretty soon after that, Jack was singing his usual nonsense…

No need to see it to know it; that mouth on his neck and shoulders, those hands on his back and hips, and that cock thrusting into him just how he craved it... _Oh, yes._ Ennis was behind him, for sure.

But Jack really enjoyed the new addition to the mix as his Cowboy's voice reached his ears: "Yes, Jack. Shout. For. Me."

And of course, soon, Jack did.

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis awoke first, as usual. He enjoyed Jack's presence and warmth in silence for a while, eyes still shut and remembering all they had shared just last night. Then he opened his eyes, and couldn't stop the smile that seemed to come automatically on his face. Jack. _His_ Jack. In his bed. It felt... nice. Ennis lost track of time as he couldn't tear his eyes away. Those eyes. That mouth. That voice. All of them now shut and silent, but Ennis could still see and hear them, telling him "I. Love. You" over and over.

After some time, Jack awoke too, and Ennis kissed him good morning briefly.

"Hey."

"Hey back."

Jack's always ready for food stomach growled, and Ennis smiled.

"Want some breakfast?"

"Hell yes. Haven't eaten since I left my folks."

"No?"

"No."

_Shit. Damn me._

"You should have said... I mean, I should have asked."

Jack then got that expression on his face he had any time he thought Ennis was acting silly, and Ennis's guilt at not having stuck to his plan for a perfect welcome disappeared.

"Hey", Jack winked, "I just wasn't in the mood for food."

Damn. All this time, and he still couldn't deal with Jack's not-subtle-at-all comments.

Ennis knew he blushed. Briefly, but still. He took their jeans from the ground, handed Jack his and started getting in his own.

"Big breakfast then?"

"Sure. No beans."

Ennis had to laugh. "Jack. It's a bit early for beans anyway, no?"

"I know," Jack grinned back. "But better make sure, with your wicked, wicked sense of humor sometimes..." He stood. "Need to stop by the toilets first though."

And Ennis again just felt like slapping his forehead for not having given Jack the tour of the house yesterday. Jack must have guessed, 'cause he then came close to Ennis and whispered softly, "Hey, as miraculous as it may be after last night, the house didn't collapsed on itself, you know."

Then he grinned, again, and Ennis felt better, again. He nodded, nudging Jack's elbow.

"Silly. Let's go."

_Before I wipe that damn grin off your face kissing you._

Ennis led Jack to the bathroom, then picked Jack's bag from the hall and brought it upstairs to his bedroom. When Jack was done, they crossed the main room on their way to the kitchen area.

"Homey."

Jack had whispered, but Ennis's heart clenched at how right the word felt.

**JACK POV**

Jack couldn't help but think that he liked the house.

Ennis's bedroom was the only room upstairs; it wasn't really big, but it was big enough for the bed — _which was big enough too _—, one nightstand, one chair and one closet, and the morning light was reverberating warmly on the bare white walls. Downstairs, the walls were white and bare too, except from two photos of the girls hanging near the TV. The furniture was reduced to the minimum: couch, coffee table — with a half-open magazine, equine, he guessed, seeing as there were saddles all over the page —, TV bench, and one table with four chairs near the kitchen.

It wasn't big, it wasn't much, it wasn't new. But it all screamed Ennis, and felt, right then... homey. It was neat, too, and Jack wondered how much that was usual and how much it had to do with him maybe coming over.

Once in the kitchen area, as Ennis started to prepare some eggs and bacon, he couldn't help but think, too, with a smile, that the cupboards and the fridge were a bit overfull for the Ennis he knew — compared to him, his Cowboy ate nearly nothing.

They were both bare-chested, and Jack had to smile again, thinking about how Lureen would freak out — Bobby and him weren't allowed to sit at the table without 'covering that chest hair', as she said. Well, Jack sure didn't have a problem with Ennis's chest hair. Then he lowered his eyes, thinking that it could get disturbing, though, after all. But in a good way. In a _very_ good way.

"How many, Jack?"

He turned his gaze back to Ennis and found him with an egg held up in his hand.

"Three."

Some time later, Ennis nodded him to sit facing him as he took a seat at the table, handing Jack his plate on the way.

"Hey, I said three."

Ennis just mumbled back in a voice that meant he wasn't gonna discuss it further: "Which is why you get four", and started to eat his usual two eggs. Of course, Jack's plate was soon empty nonetheless. After all, he was really hungry.

Afterwards, Jack led his Cowboy back to the bathroom, where they 'showered' playfully — it was quite small, so they had to get really close, but he sure didn't mind; and Ennis didn't seem to either.

The last room in the house was the girls'.

Jack had to smile when Ennis opened that door. He leaned against one door post, making Ennis understand he wanted to stay there for a while, and Ennis leaned against the other one, facing him.

Jack was amazed. He could see that this bedroom was the bigger of the two. It was also the only room which wasn't plain white and wood: two walls were baby pink and one wall was dark pink; only the last wall was white. On that wall were a few posters pinned up. The two beds and desks were painted white and labeled fully in black "Jennifer" or "Alma Jr". There was one tiny little closet, even though the girls were normally at Alma and Monroe's, in the middle between Jenny's area and Junior's area, painted white too, "Jennifer" written on one door, "Alma Jr" on the other.

It was... girly as Hell. But really sweet.

Jack tilted his head towards the room, "A bit pink in here?"

Ennis chuckled. "Yeah, I know. I really HAVE to repaint it..."

Jack guessed from his voice that Ennis might want to say more and waited. There were really few things about which Ennis could always talk easily for quite long: his horses, horses in general, and his girls. Jack had used to feel jealous about that, a bit in the early years, a lot more after that damn November day of '75. But now... he wasn't anymore. He just found it... endearing. And that voice... Well, he was sure he would never tire of that voice...

"After the divorce, I wanted them to have a place they'd like, you know. I wanted them to feel... at home here too. So I asked them. Junior wanted white, and her name on her furniture, so that Jenny wouldn't take over everything as she already tended to. Jenny wanted pink. So, well, that's what I came up with. I know they're too old now for such a room, and we've spoken a few times about refreshing it, but they always say that they don't know how they want it now yet, so... it got delayed, I guess, 'till they decide." He grinned conspirationally. "Not that I really mind, to be honest. You have no idea how that paint stuff stinks. And that wall, the dark one, I'd rather not think about how many times I'll have to do it over until that color doesn't shine through anymore. I sure hope they won't want it white. Would be Hell."

Jack got a picture in his mind, of a crazed painting Ennis, cursing and paint-spattered all over... He couldn't help but find it odd, completely out of place, silly... but sweet. And sexy.

_Damn... Guess I'd find him hot even walking out of a garbage bin, huh. _

Ennis hadn't noticed Jack dreaming awake and was still talking, shrugging, "Maybe they just can't agree on what they want now. But sometimes... I wonder if maybe they want to keep it that way because they know that I did it for them, you know..."

"I'm sure they do. It was very thoughtful Ennis. It's... loving. I never gave it a thought, you know, until now. Bobby's room was, well, Lureen's choice. I guess he would have loved to have a room he could have chosen..." It was now Jack's turn to shrug. "The last few years, though, he's put so many posters on the walls that you can't see anything from how it used to look anyway."

Ennis chuckled sympathetically, "Yeah, I bet. Creepy things, too, those damn posters. See the big one in the middle here..."

Jack focused on it. A black and white poster of some guy with the most messed-up hair he'd ever seen. It was entitled "The Cure" and "Boys don't cry".

_Yeah, right, sure..._

"Never heard of 'em."

"British band. Jenny has a pen friend there. Started out as a school thing, but, well, they kind of stuck to each other. Turned out that girl's parents had just divorced too. Guess they could relate to each other. She sent Jenny this poster and a tape a few years ago. It's Jenny's favorite band too ever since… Don't ask, I never heard that tape, or any other," he smirked, "Guess I'm lucky. Anyway, Jenny hung this one here 'cause Alma didn't want it in her house. I said she could hang it here, but only if she swore she was NEVER gonna try to do THAT with her lovely hair."

Jack laughed. "Gotta agree with you there."

Ennis smiled back with his half side grin, "Yeah..."

A few beats later, Ennis seemed serious again. "By the way, did you... have the talk already?"

"Huh?"

"THE talk. With Bobby."

Jack chuckled. "Ennis. He's sixteen. Don't you think he's a bit old for the birds and the bees talk?"

"Not that talk..." Ennis was blushing now. "The relationship talk, Jack."

Jack could see how uncomfortable Ennis was now, and just gave him the time he needed to go on.

"I mean... You know... I got little girls, Jack. And they're not so little anymore. I'm afraid of them being used, not treated like they should be and all..."

Jack heard Ennis sigh and knew Ennis wasn't done, so he still kept silent.

"Junior... She quit seeing that Troy I told you about months ago. Too bad. I kinda liked him, remember? That boy was more into baseball than anything else. I guess it felt... safe."

Jack couldn't help but smile then, and Ennis grinned back briefly.

"Yeah, I'm that bad." Then concern was back in his eyes as he went on. "Anyway, I heard from Alma about some Kurt fellow now. Told me Jenny had teased Junior with the name a few times lately, and that there was something in Junior's eyes when she heard it... I don't know. It's all so... difficult. I know I can trust her. Junior... She's like... Alcatraz, Fort Knox... Don't laugh. She's even worse than me. Really. So I guess she's so walled-up that no one would take the trouble without a real interest, right?"

Ennis's eyes briefly flickered to the ceiling, and he blushed. But it wasn't an embarrassed blush. It was their blush. Jack couldn't help smiling, knowing Ennis had realized just a little too late that this bit could be applied to them too. He just nodded, agreeing, of course, about both — about Junior and about them — but trying to act as if he hadn't got the slip. Ennis went on.

"And she's so smart, too; no dumb boy who saw her only as a trophy for being as difficult to get as the Holy fucking Grail would be able to fool her. But still... doesn't make it easier for me." He sighed, looking even more worried, "And then there's Jenny. She's got such a big heart, Jack. She's not dumb, she doesn't give her trust to people who don't deserve it, and I'm pretty sure she won't... But it's just... She's so open and nice to anyone, you know. I can't help but think that she's bound to attract some assholes on her way. I don't want her to get hurt..."

Ennis met Jack's gaze, and Jack hoped Ennis could see there the tenderness and concern he shared.

Ennis surely did, 'cause he sighed, confessing, "Yeah, listen to me, all worried."

"You talked to the girls?"

"Thank God, no!" He got his voice back to neutral, "Alma did, when they turned 15. Mother-daughter talk."

"And I have a son, so there should be a father-son talk, right?"

Ennis still seemed embarrassed, and was looking everywhere but in Jack's direction. "I guess." His voice turned even lower, "I know it gives no guarantee or so, but I was happy to hear at work that fathers do talk to their sons, nowadays."

Jack clapped his hands on his jeans, bringing Ennis's gaze back to him.

"All right. So, what should I say?"

"Hum... From what I've heard... it's not that much. Seems to be just 'Girls aren't toys, don't fool around or I'll kick your ass, and if you have any questions about stuff and technical details, don't be afraid to come to me and ask', or something like that."

Jack chuckled gently, "Wow. Technical details? I guess things have changed then." He sighed, "I can't see my father saying that to me."

Ennis relaxed, laughing with him a bit. "Yeah. Me neither. Though now that I think about it, K.E. actually did give me something along that line, when I turned 15. Though it was more like 'When you find yourself a nice gal, I can tell you a few things, if you need'."

Jack winked, "I'm sure you never needed your brother's help on that matter."

Ennis blushed, again, and watched his feet for a while.

"Hum. Anyway, I guess I'd like to think that all fathers in the world have a little talk with their sons. Gives no guarantee, but it can't hurt to try, you know. Honestly, I'd rather not think about it, but for the last few years, I can't help it." **He sighed****, "**I can't hide. One day, they won't be only my girls anymore. Just don't want my babies to be treated like some cheap dirt. Not ever. And surely not for their first time. First time should mean something."

Ennis was clearly more than embarrassed this time, seeming on the edge of cursing himself after letting that bit out, and he blushed redder. Jack knew that Ennis was again not just talking about his girls. But this time, he couldn't stop himself, and whispered his thoughts out aloud.

"You mean, your first time... I didn't know for sure, you know, then..."

Ennis blushed further still and started fidgeting where he stood. He mumbled an answer, eyes locked on his own feet, and Jack was glad he had enough years of practice with deciphering that mumbling or he wouldn't have been able to understand one word of what came out.

**ENNIS POV**

"First time should mean something."

_Crap. Did I just say THAT? He seemed to miss it the first time I blurted too much out, but he can't miss that one._

Ennis would have been happy to be swallowed by the floor. This was unfamiliar ground, for him. Ennis could talk about every little nothings or important things with Jack. He could even, now, while lost in the moment, talk kind of sweet or dirty — depending on the moment. But he wasn't sure that he could talk about them, about it all, like that: rationally. He could talk rationally about his girls, no problem... But about them?

"You mean, your first time... I didn't know for sure, you know, then..."

Just a whisper, but Ennis could feel that Jack wanted to know now, somehow. So he had to answer something. He kept his eyes on his feet, though.

"I didn't know either, Jack."

Jack kept silent still, and Ennis knew he was waiting, hoping for more. Ennis sighed loudly and forced himself to go on.

"I mean, it was all... so new for me. I had nothing to compare to. I never really had friends, you know... Only thing I knew then was that I… liked you."

_That it felt good to be talking with you. That it felt good when I made you smile, or laugh. That I liked the way your eyes were always so open, so clear..._

"I used to watch you ride on that mare, and I always thought it was to check if you were riding well enough, 'cause I didn't want to worry about you getting injured. I really never thought it could be more than that... I thought I loved Alma..."

_It's only after you that I realized it wasn't the same._

His voice lowered some more, lost in the past, "But that night, well, you were even funnier and—", he cleared his throat, searching for a word less embarrassing than the 'fascinating' or 'enchanting' out of Jenny's fairy tales that fit so well how he'd felt that night, "and weirder than usual, and I didn't want it to end. And the more we drank, the more you sounded funnier and weirder, and the more I felt... right, in a way. I never drank as much as that night."

_Except maybe, that damn November day. And after our last camping trip... But back then I wasn't that used to alcohol yet, so it must have been worse. A real wonder I wasn't throwing up all over the place. I guess I was really trying to shut my mind off, though I didn't know why..._

"And when I woke up and my hand was... well... where you'd put it... I freaked out. Not because I should, but because I realized... it felt good too."

_Because I realized I wanted it too._

"And that scared the Hell out of me. But then you tried again, and I got... huh... crazy?"

He heard Jack chuckle but knew it was genuine, and met his eyes, briefly, before fixing on his feet again.

He sighed. "Told myself afterwards it was just the booze, or teenage lust. Told myself I wasn't... you know. But the day after, you looked so... hurt. I heard you mumbling something when you got in the tent; couldn't hear the words, but you looked pissed all right that I wasn't talking to you anymore..."

_And I felt bad because you felt bad..._

He was nearly whispering now, "I still can't believe I got my ass up and moving to the tent. But I guess... I just had to know. If there was more to it than, well, the booze and the lust... And, well..."

_So yeah, I guess I had... feelings... for you before that first night. I just couldn't acknowledge them, but that doesn't mean they weren't there._

Ennis kept his gaze on his feet. He knew he wouldn't be able to stand the expression that must be in Jack's eyes right now. The silence stretched, until he tried to ease it away, acting as detached as he could — speaking as if he was talking about little nothings and not as if he just had been revealing his heart to the core — as he finally felt strong enough to look at Jack again.

"And you? How was your first time?"

Jack seemed puzzled. "Huh?" He made 'hello' signs in front of his eyes, "You were there, remember?"

Ennis was the one puzzled now. "You mean... I thought..."

_You didn't say I was wrong when I said you that you were a sinner already... _

"What about... Meg? And how come then that... I mean... You knew... stuff, Jack."

"Well, it didn't go that far with Meg; she's a girl anyway, so I reckon she wouldn't really count for that first time. And for the rest, I guess I got the right manual."

Ennis wasn't sure what Jack meant, but he seemed nervous, all of a sudden, and he actually lowered his eyes before going on — probably trying to make it easier for him to hear, Ennis quickly understood.

"One night, hiding from my father in the barn... I've seen things, Cowboy. Two ranch hands together." He shrugged, obviously trying to keep things light, "So I guessed, if it was good for them, then it should be good for us, you know..."

Then Jack's eyes were on him again, and Ennis was unable to escape them as Jack switched to whispering now.

"No lie anymore, right? That night in the barn, I realized something." He paused, "I realized... that girls maybe weren't for me. I was 15 and... I don't know, something just clicked."

Ennis couldn't help but cringe. He wasn't ready to hear that. Jack wasn't. Jack wasn't. 'Cause if Jack wasn't, then he wasn't, right? Jack had said he wasn't, right, up on Brokeback?

Realization then, sinking in, guilt right on its tail.

_He just told you what you wanted to hear. The first time of what would become a necessary habit. Because you wouldn't have listened otherwise._

But those eyes were still boring into him, and suddenly, it didn't really matter that much. Ennis just felt warm. So warm. He nodded, letting Jack understand that he still could listen, and Jack started to speak again.

"So then... right the moment I saw you against Aguirre's trailer... I knew. I knew I wanted you... that way. And pretty soon, it wasn't only... you know. The first time you spoke to me, really spoke..." He sighed, his eyes so clear it hurt Ennis to keep watching them, but he couldn't stop nevertheless, "You are so beautiful inside too, Ennis."

Jack then averted his eyes again, probably guessing that Ennis couldn't stand his gaze anymore, and ended his tale with his voice pitched really low.

"That night... I knew you'd been drinking far too much. I was SO sure you wouldn't wake up... I'd been thinking and dreaming about you for weeks already, and suddenly... there you were, you know. I was drunk too, and... I couldn't resist. I wasn't gonna do anything weird with your hand, but I just had... to feel you, even if it'd been just the once. Then you woke up, and..." He smiled to himself, "Like they say, the rest is history..."

They were silent again for a while, still leaning on their respective door post, facing each other but not daring to look at each other.

Ennis didn't know what to do with this new knowledge. He'd been Jack's first. He couldn't deny that it pleased him, both because he liked the symmetry, Jack being his first too, and because it _felt_ right, in that instinctive, animalistic part of himself that always craved for Jack to be his, and his alone. But there was responsibility too in that new status, and he couldn't help but wonder if things wouldn't have gone differently if he'd only suspected it would be Jack's first time — and if he'd then been able to think clearly enough.

Jack's voice finally shook him out of his thoughts. "Does it make a difference for you, to know that you were my first too?"

"Don't know."

_Liar._

Ennis confessed, embarrassed, "Maybe."

_Liar._

"It's kinda... nice." Guilt kicked in then and he added apologetically, "And in a way, not nice at all. I shouldn't have been so..."

_Harsh._

Jack came closer then, and forced Ennis to meet his gaze. "Hey. I. Wanted. It. And knowing you... I knew it had to be then and all the way, or never. I knew that. Still wanted it though." He paused. "Besides, you could have turned brutal and bashed me all to Hell, so... It wasn't that bad, ok?" He grinned, "Not bad at all." Jack apparently noticed that Ennis had stopped fidgeting, feeling less guilty, and he smirked, "Jeez, you really are just a romantic fool, huh. A big teddy bear." He held his hands up playfully. "Just teasing, all right?" Then he smiled that damn dreamy smile once more, "Guess I'm worse, anyway. I wanted you to be my first, but, even more, I want you to be my last, Cowboy."

Ennis knew by now he was grinning like a fool, indeed.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"You're right. You're worse."

_But it does sound like a mighty fine plan._

He was still grinning when Jack maneuvered them back towards his bedroom.

**JACK POV**

Later, Ennis asked him what he wanted to do. He nearly answered that staying in bed would be just fine by him, but sensed that Ennis might have asked this because, somewhere in his mind, he kind of needed to be reassured in the fact that, as Ennis'd said, it it wasn't just about the lust and the booze between them. He hesitated, neither yet daring to push Ennis as far as going out together to have a drink or to eat.

Suddenly, he knew something he wanted and that wouldn't make his Cowboy uneasy.

"Just let's watch TV." Ennis looked at him as if that was the last thing he would have thought of, so Jack explained, whispering, "We never did, Ennis..."

Ennis nodded, understanding exactly what Jack meant. He shrugged, kind of casually, but with that trademark half smile that always went right through Jack's heart, "Guess it's about time then."

After quick — and separate — showers, they were again dressed and downstairs. Ennis indicated Jack should sit while he grabbed two beers out of the fridge. Jack guessed the side facing the magazine on the table must be Ennis's usual place and so chose the other. Ennis turned the TV on on his way back and handed the remote control to Jack, who then flipped through channels a bit before finally stopping on a football game that had started not too long ago. Ennis nodded approval of the choice.

Jack made comments from time to time and Ennis mostly "mmmmed" his agreement. When their beers got empty, Jack simply got up and went to grab new ones, as if it was the most natural thing to do. Ennis's smile made him feel warm and dizzy as he handled him a fresh bottle. Some time later, Jack noticed that he was more slouching than sitting. He noticed, too, that Ennis was watching him tenderly instead of focusing on the TV. Jack made as if he wasn't aware of it.

Watching TV had been a good idea indeed. It all felt just fine.

At the end of the game, Jack switched channels again. At some point, J.R. Ewing appeared, and Jack started to laugh uncontrollably. Ennis watched him all puzzled but Jack just told him it was nothing and tried to stop laughing, flipping further until he settled on the news.

They got hungry and went to cook, easily agreeing on steak and pasta. The water for the pasta was warming up when something popped in Jack's mind.

"Ennis?"

Ennis answered distractedly while taking out some sauce from the cupboard, "Huh."

"When's your birthday?"

The jar slipped out of Ennis's hand, but luckily didn't break. Jack froze: Ennis _never_ just let something fall. Why was his Cowboy turning so clumsy from such an innocent question?

Ennis went down to get the jar, mumbling on the way, "June 6th."

All the air left Jack's lungs in a short shocked gasp.

_The day we met?_

"You're kidding, right?"

Still crouched, Ennis kept his eyes on the jar as he took it in his hand, "No."

Jack couldn't help but feel... kind of angry.

"Jeez, how come—"

Ennis was now up again, eyes clear but somewhat ablaze too, not embarrassed at all now.

"Why should I have told you anything, Jack? Why should I have told you that my brother found the job as an early birthday present, and that it was my cue to leave home for good after the summer? I didn't know you, but I could see that you were just as poor as I was. I wasn't gonna make you feel like you should offer me a beer or something. Besides, why would it have mattered to you. You'd just met me."

"You told me you were 19 too."

"Well, you didn't ask for my date of birth. You asked how old I was. And I was 19. For about 10 hours."

Jack just gave up then, understanding what Ennis meant, but still not understanding how he could have kept that secret for all those years. Though of course, knowing Ennis, it just made sense: what would have been the point, they never met in June anyway.

Ennis seemed to sense that Jack agreed that this wasn't worth dwelling on anymore and that he was ready to drop it.

He got more quiet, too, when he returned the question, "Yours?"

"October 10th."

Ennis smiled. "Nice to know."

And Jack could only agree. "Yeah, nice to know."

They looked at each other silently for a bit, then Ennis's eyes got mischievous and he grinned, "Eight months then, huh... Old man."

Jack chuckled, "Don't you dare—" he smirked, "Baby."

They both laughed.

"Truce?"

"Deal."

The water started to boil and they got back to their cooking.

/

Later on that evening, they were back in bed and panting quite hard already. At some point, Jack rolled on top, sat on Ennis's hips and grinned.

"Let's check if this old man still knows how to ride, huh."

Ennis looked like he was gonna laugh, but didn't. And soon, as he guided Ennis inside him, Jack knew laughing was the last thing in Ennis's mind, you bet.

And then, suddenly, Ennis opened his eyes. Their gaze met and Jack thought he was gonna lose it right then, even if he had only just started moving up and down.

Ennis always kept his eyes closed when Jack was riding him. And asked Jack to close his eyes if he wanted or needed to watch Jack while he took him. The pattern into which they'd fallen on Brokeback had always endured. And the times Ennis had been actually allowing their gaze to meet while sexually involved could still only be counted on the fingers of one hand.

September '67 — the exchanged blowjobs at the motel. December '75 — the first time Ennis had entered him, the morning after his welcoming, long, sweet apology, letting Jack know, again without words, how sorry he was, and so much more. Last week, after giving him his key. And yesterday, opening himself to Jack as he never had before.

Jack knew exactly what each of those moments meant for Ennis. He realized, though, that for Ennis, nothing would probably ever be able now to surpass what it had meant yesterday.

Jack guessed that, somehow, now that Ennis had reached the end of that road, now that there was for him nothing left to hide, nothing more to show, Ennis was feeling maybe free enough to just watch, even if Jack's eyes were open too, without fearing for Jack to see what he thought he shouldn't. Because, finally, there was nothing left that Jack shouldn't see...

Jack knew he had guessed right as Ennis didn't keep his eyes locked on Jack's but let them travel slowly down to his chest — if they both had their eyes open, Ennis's gaze normally never left his eyes. Ennis seemed to hesitate at some point though, and brought his gaze back up to Jack's. Jack felt dizzy. His Cowboy could still be so shy, in a way. But it felt endearing. It felt... Ennis. _His_ Ennis.

"It's all right, Ennis, it's all right."

Jack just smiled, kept a slow pace, threw his head back and let his eyelids fall, making Ennis understand that he allowed him to watch. That he wanted him to watch. He was soon rewarded by the feeling of one of Ennis's hands running down his chest, and knew that Ennis's eyes must be running there too.

"God, Jack... It's... You're... Fucking glorious." Only a whisper, soft and amazed, but it spurred Jack on further.

_That damn voice. _

Ennis's hand was now on his stomach, and Jack couldn't help but think that there was something damn hot now in the way Ennis was breathing, and he started to move faster. He felt Ennis's thumb rub over his lower belly and suddenly, in his mind, he was in Ennis's place, and it was his hand, and his eyes, running down Ennis's front, and his cock sliding in and out of Ennis as Ennis rode him.

_Damn me. Guess I really AM fucked-up — no joking. Now that my impossible dream seems to turn out less impossible, I just had to find another impossible dream, huh..._

But, yeah, Jack was ready to bet, fucking glorious for sure, indeed. Ennis, though, started then to move too; not taking back control of the situation as he often did, but just rolling his hips and stroking Jack's cock in tune with Jack's lazy rhythm, and everything fled out of Jack's mind, leaving room only for the mind-blowing white screen Jack craved, the one labeled Ennis, Ennis, Ennis, and soon Jack heard himself shout out Ennis's name; as always, when his mind's lights went out.

When their heartbeats were nearly back to normal and Jack finally opened his eyes, his breath caught in his throat at the tenderness he saw in Ennis's gaze.

"Guess you're still not too old, huh, Rodeo."

Ennis raised himself then and kissed him, and Jack's laugh was muffled.

/

On Sunday morning, Jack awoke feeling... cozy, and thought again about how nice and comfortable it felt to share a real bed instead of a bedroll. He stretched a bit, saw he was alone, and smiled when he heard some noise downstairs. Ennis was busy preparing breakfast. Some things just never changed, huh... He noticed that Ennis's jeans were gone, but that his shirt was still thrown on the chair where their clothes had landed the night before. He got his own jeans and put only them on too — guessing then that bare-chested for breakfast was indeed Ennis's norm at home — and went downstairs, running his fingers through his hair.

"Morning."

"Morning. Was starting to wonder when you'd finally wake up."

"Yeah," he chuckled, "Guess I'm getting old after all, can't help but like a comfy bed." He couldn't resist a wink, "But hey, as long as I'm still not too old yet, right?"

Ennis of course blushed. Jack thought about how much he would love to make his Cowboy blush every morning. There was just no way he was ever going to get tired of that sight. Or of the usual mumbling that always followed.

"Breakfast's ready."

Jack smiled to himself.

_Yep, mumbling all right._

/

After eating, Jack spoke again, seriously this time. "I meant it, you know; a bed beats a bedroll."

Ennis chuckled, but looked then somewhat... disappointed. "You mean we shouldn't go camping anymore?"

Jack smiled. "No. Camping's fine. I like it as much as you do. I could live without the cold though."

Ennis smiled too, obviously relieved. "Yeah... I could live without it too. But we keep camping in August, all right?"

"Deal."

Though they still smiled, the mood shifted a bit. Talking about camping arrangements was usually done when they had to part, planning for their next meeting. They both realized again that it was Sunday. And they both knew it meant that Jack would have to leave soon. Ennis started to stare at the wall on his left.

"Ennis."

"Hum."

"Let's not plan. Planning would mean... March. I can't plan that. I don't want to."

_It's far too far away._

Ennis seemed to understand what he meant, smiled sadly and nodded, meeting Jack's gaze again.

"No planning is fine by me." Then he lowered his eyes to his empty plate. "Want you to know... Felt good to have you here."

Jack's heart clenched.

"You bet." Then, wanting to lighten the mood, he grinned, "But I'm still here for a few hours, you know..."

Ennis's eyes shot upwards again.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

There was no talking for about an hour afterwards.

/

They were sitting on the bed, Ennis against his chest and playing with his right hand.

Jack sighed.

"Guess it's time."

Ennis moved, freeing Jack.

"Yeah, Bud, I know. Don't want you to leave too late and fall asleep behind the wheel."

They cleaned up and got dressed in silence, and Jack started to prepare his bag. He went to fetch his toilet bag in the bathroom, and when he came back in the bedroom, he noticed that Ennis's gaze was locked on his shirt from yesterday, still on the chair.

Jack recognized the longing there, knowing well enough how much he'd always needed his own tokens. He wondered if Ennis would dare to ask, but decided that if Ennis didn't, he was gonna leave his shirt here anyway, pretending to forget it. Jack started to pick his socks up from besides the chair.

"Jack?"

"Yes?" He made sure to keep busy picking all his stuff off from the floor.

"Would you mind... I'd like... Could you..."

Hearing every pause in that stutter get longer, Jack finally stood again and smiled. Not a grin, a really genuine smile.

"Anything, Cowboy."

Ennis sighed and lowered his head, blushing.

"Could you... make it real?"

_He's asking. He's asking._

Jack smiled and decided it was time to make it easier.

"Want me to leave something here? Is that what you mean, Ennis?"

Ennis blushed further, but nodded.

"Would be nice."

Then Ennis looked at him and smiled. Jack looked over the room, pretended to notice that his shirt was the last of his things still left unpacked, and tilted his head to it.

"That shirt all right?"

Ennis kind of beamed, but only answered softly.

"That shirt is fine." Then he grinned. "Guess you were wrong yesterday, huh. I am worse."

Jack simply replied, "Well, I sure don't mind."

A few moments later, they were outside, walking to the carport, when Jack said he needed to go to the toilet and went inside for a moment. When he came back and they finally had to part, Ennis hugged Jack next to his pick-up, 'Brokeback style', ending it whispering in his left ear softly.

"A little something to remember me by."

_As if needed..._

Jack just enjoyed Ennis's presence behind him for a few seconds longer, then turned.

"Gotta go."

"Huh huh." Ennis sighed, then brushed their foreheads together. "Take care."

They kissed, and Jack let his hand run on Ennis's face one last time.

"Won't be long."

Then Jack climbed in and left.

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis watched Jack's pick-up for as long as he could, then went back in, whispering to himself Jack's promise.

"Won't be long."

He went in his bedroom to make the bed, hoping usual mechanical little things would make him feel better. But the first thing he saw was Jack's shirt. He couldn't help but take it and feel it in his hands.

_Feels too long already though._

He looked at his bed, open and empty. He snorted at himself. Yeah, he was worse, definitely. He knew he wasn't gonna change the sheets right now. He wanted to luxuriate in Jack's scent one more night.

He moved to the closet to hang up the shirt. He realized then that he didn't want it out of his sight or out of his reach. He went back to the bed and put it under his pillow. That didn't felt right either; it was like hiding it. He didn't want it hidden. Not in his home. Not in his bedroom. Besides, it was just a shirt, right? How could anyone know. He put the shirt back on the chair and smiled. Yeah, for sure, that was the right place.

That's when he saw it. On his nightstand laid an envelop. He turned it and saw it was open. His fingers took hold of the postcard inside and got it slowly out. And then his heart missed a few beats.

"Friend. Hope November still stands. Jack."

A yellow post-it had been added at the other side of the card, on top of where his address had been written.

"Was going to send that one the day I received yours. Just thought you should know."

Ennis felt like laughing, or crying; he didn't really know. He just stayed frozen there for God only knew how long, envelop in one hand and postcard in the other. Ennis was still truly glad that he had been the one to make the first move, for once. But knowing that Jack would have made it if he hadn't, it was... nice. Soothing. Jack really hadn't been giving up on him... on them. He knew it already, of course, Jack had said so. But seeing this... It made it just that much more... everything.

Then he flipped it and smiled. He had been shell-shocked last month when he had received that postcard, the same as the first Jack had sent years ago. But this time, he wasn't surprised to see that it was exactly the same picture — knowing Jack, it was just logic.

The next day, coming back from the ranch, Ennis stopped by a little shop in town and bought a tiny wooden frame. He put the postcard in it and placed it on his nightstand.

It was something he had never considered before. Since that first postcard in '67, each of Jack's postcards had been neatly stored in a box in his closet, first because he couldn't do anything else with them, and after because it felt... sacred, somehow — it was just where they belonged. But this one... It didn't feel right to put it in there with the others. Maybe it was because it hadn't been mailed, because Jack's real postcard was already in the box. Maybe it was because it was that damn picture that was on it. Maybe it was because it felt like having a photo of the both of them next to him. Ennis didn't know. But he knew it felt right to have it there on his nightstand.

It felt right, too, to have Jack's shirt here, on that chair. A proof that Jack had been here. And would come back.

The shirt kept mostly just hanging on the chair. But some nights, when missing Jack turned out too painful, Ennis would get out of bed, take the shirt, get back in bed and wear the shirt for the rest of the night. All buttons open to be comfortable, cuffs too because the shirt was just too short otherwise. He couldn't help but think he was just a fool, but, in a silly way, it made him feel better.

So, yeah, indeed, he was worse, probably. So much worse. His father was lately quite often mockingly laughing at him, or shouting his contempt. But Ennis just couldn't care. He was happy, after all.

December came. On the 15th, Ennis got something from Jack he had never received 'till then. A Christmas card. A teddy bear with a Santa's hat. Ennis laughed for a few minutes. Then he turned the card. It was from Jack, indeed.

"Guess I'm still worse than you."

He chuckled, again. He realized it didn't matter after all which one of them was worse. Only thing that mattered was that they both were happy. The second line didn't make him laugh though. The second line made him happy, warm, and weak in the knees.

"January 6th."

Ennis discovered the Christmas spirit hadn't left him after all. Right then, he felt just like a kid unwrapping his presents under the Christmas tree. Except that this time, Christmas had come early.


	13. Chapter 12

**(chapters 12-16 still unbetaed, it will come…) **

**CHAPTER 12: CHRISTMAS SHOPPING — DECEMBER 21ST, 1983 **

**JACK POV**

Jack and Lureen were doing Christmas shopping together, buying gifts for the whole family — except for the both of them of course. As usual, Jack didn't know yet what he would give her. Which was why this day of shopping together was always useful. Lureen would always let slip some hints, watching this or that with quite interested eyes. Like now. She was watching closely at some necklace, and was smiling dreamily. Jack noted mentally in which shop they were and which necklace it was.

Seeing her smile like that brought him back to the 20th of November. The Sunday night he had got back from Riverton. Actually, it had been Monday already by then — about four o'clock AM. He had entered the house cautiously as always, in order not to awake Lureen and Bobby. He had been surprised though this time to see some light coming from the living room. Lureen was there, asleep on the couch, side-lamp still on. He had awoken her gently, and when she had seen he was back, she had been smiling exactly like that.

"Hi. Just wanted to talk without Bobby around, you know... I knew you would come back tonight."

Of course. He had called last weekend, telling her he would be away another week, and he always came back on Sunday night, so...

She had just wanted to know if things had turned out as good as she thought they had. He hadn't said much, except that it had indeed turned out all right, really all right. She had seemed somewhat sad, but even more, she had seemed truly glad for him. He had told her he would probably go to Riverton more regularly from now on. She had said she understood. She had said she had been thinking about their divorce. She had said she was maybe ready for it, after all, they were divorcing as friends — more than friends, right? And Jack had nodded. She had asked though if they could wait for after the holidays, not wanting to ruin the mood for Bobby until Christmas and New Year were over. Jack had agreed, telling they should then wait even after Bobby's birthday (January 17th). Jack had told too that she should keep the house, that he would start looking for some apartment around town, he didn't need much. Lureen had said she would like to help.

The next evening, Jack had walked to Bobby's room. Bobby had been doing his homeworks, but Jack had said there was something they should talk about. He had told Ennis he would, so there had been no point in delaying it further. So... they had had THE talk. It hadn't taken long, and he wasn't sure which one of them had been the more embarassed about it all, but well, it had been done. And it had felt nice. Duty done, or something along that line. He had heard though Bobby whispering "Oh my God" while he had been closing the door and had thought he should have better picked another moment — Bobby would for sure not be able to concentrate further on his homeworks tonight.

Jack's mind went back to the present. The mall. Christmas shopping. Lureen. That necklace. He made though as if he wasn't noticing the way Lureen was looking at it.

Moments later, they passed in front of an info desk, and Jack laughed when he saw the queue and the little machine which delivered the numbered tickets.

"Lu, forget the necklace... Maybe I should offer you one of those..."

She watched him with really puzzled eyes. He pointed at the ticket machine with his thumb, and tried to explain himself while laughing still.

"The day it comes out that we're divorcing, you'll need one of those, you know, to deliver tickets to all the men who are gonna come to your frontdoor."

She shaked her head and looked up.

"Jack..."

"Come on. I bet each divorced or unmarried man in a zone of 50 miles around here is gonna ask you out. So... one of those should turn out handy... unless you'd like for them to start fighting over who arrived first... Bet it should be quite a funny show."

"Jack!"

But this time, she smiled too. Jack went on on a conspirational tone, he just liked teasing her. Of course, it wasn't as much fun as teasing Ennis, but well, it was fun enough.

"Don't pretend you haven't noticed about James. He's always so... weird around you. And what about Rick Nichols? You think he's coming that often to the office — not calling, coming — to ask us to check his father's machines — which are just fine all the time — just because of my lovely blue eyes?"

"Jack!"

But this time, she laughed. She poked him in the rib playfully though.

"Quit it. Time to go home anyway."

Once in the car, Jack couldn't help continuing though.

"Oh, and Bobby's coach? Remember Bobby said you shouldn't go to see them play anymore, 'cause their coach then was getting "distracted"... I bet his shoulders wouldn't be bad for you to sleep on."

She eyed him quite strangely, and Jack realized what he had just said.

"He, just kidding here, all right. Not my type. (laughing) He's all yours. (more serious again) Lu, you want me to continue that list, or did I make my point?"

Lu just blushed, something really rare.

"Hey, stop blushing and just tell me you'll give them a chance, all right Lu?"

She kept silent and thoughtful until they parked in front of their home. Jack turned to face her and whispered softly.

"Just a chance, Lu. They are drooling all over you, and we're not over yet officially. They are not after some money, ok? I mean, if you need a proof... Rick is rich enough on his own, doesn't mean he's not gonna be here as soon as he knows..."

Seconds of silence. And then, she smiled, holding her hands up in the air.

"All right, all right."

Jack smiled too.

"Just stop smiling like a fool. (pause) And I forbid you to bet with Bobby on who may win, ok?"

"Huh?"

"Hey, I know you both, don't look at me like it would have never cross your mind, or Bobby's, after some adjustment time."

Jack just chuckled. She was probably right, of course.

"Jeez... You're SO spoiling our fun."

"Well sue me. (looking at him now with something like mischief in her eyes) Or not. I have an idea. Guess I'm just curious after all. (seriously) Do you have a picture?"

Jack seemed puzzled, again.

(sighing loudly, as if he was the dumbest person on earth) "Ennis."

"Oh... No."

_Of course no. Bet that would be nice though._

Lureen grinned.

"Thought so... Well, get me a picture, and I'll let you and Bobby act like the fools you are."

_What?_

But he knew Lureen was serious.

"You mean it."

"Of course. Anyway, you started it, ok. Bobby's coach is not your type. Fine. Now I wanna know what your type is then."

Jack lowered his eyes. He couldn't look at her now, knowing he had _that_ smile plastered on his face. His voice sure sounded dreamy too.

"Guess my style is a one of a kind."

Lureen just clapped her hand.

"See, that's why I need a photo."

Jack looked at her again, and she grinned.

"Besides... I should know how he looks like anyway, you know... In case he gets too in the line you talked about before this door, but not for me. (lower voice) I fell for you, I don't need to fall for him too, all right? That would be too embarrassing, even for me, huh."

She kinda laughed, trying to cover it all. Jack didn't.

"Lu..."

Silence for a few seconds.  
"You don't need to... (sigh) He won't get in that line."

Lureen's eyebrows went up.

"I'm not telling him."

"What!"

"Yeah, I know. Sounds crazy. But I made my decision. It's... too soon. He would never believe that this has nothing to do... with him... I'll tell him, of course. But just... not now."

Lureen watched him closely for some time, and then shrugged, trying to lighten the mood again.

"I don't get it, but... You're all grown-up. And I don't know him. So if you say it's for the best..."

She opened the door and started getting out of the car. Then she turned and grinned, all strong and directive Lureen again, you bet.

"But I still want a picture, ok?"

And with that, she went out.

Jack took the first bag and followed her home. Bobby wasn't back yet. They knew he had some training after school, which was why they had picked that day to buy the presents — they knew it was safe to bring everything in and hide it all before Bobby would be back. He put the bag on the table and went to fetch the second one still in the car.

"Ok, you win. Never tell me again you can't sell anything."

Lureen then winked.

"Well, I'm training. May turn out handy some day."

Jack stopped and faced her again.

"Why do I think there's a story behind this."

Lureen started to empty the bag, talking as if there was not that much to it.

"Remember, you told Daddy once that we should try to... expand. Of course he said you were nuts, but... I guess it's just because he didn't want to have to thank you for the idea, you know how he was... particularly towards you... But... we're doing good, Jack, you know that. I thought... Maybe we can try and cross over Colorado some day."

She finally looked at him.

"Colorado, huh."

She grinned.

"Hey, just an idea. You got Bobby. If I remember well, he's got two girls. Seems fair. Besides (smirking)... I can't have you selling for someone else, right? You're way too good."

She became serious again.

"So now, tables turn. You tell me you'll give this a thought, ok?"

Jack thought again how lucky he was to have her by his side. She really was amazing.  
"Ok."

She smiled.

"Fine."

He just whispered back softly.

"I love you, Lu."

She smiled sadly.

"I know."

Then the smile widened.

"Now, just go get the rest of the presents in the car before Bobby arrives."

He took the mail too on his way back in. Ennis's handwriting met his eyes. He smiled. The answer to his Christmas card was there.

"Well, I don't mind."

_Hey, that's cheating. Those were my words._

"And 6th is fine."

Jack couldn't help but grin.

_Damn right. 6__th__ is going to be more than fine._

Then he turned the card and laughed. A teddy bear too, of course. He wondered in a flash if he should send a card for Valentine. He bet that would embarrass Ennis a lot more than a Christmas card. So Jack smiled, again, _that_ way.

The next day, Jack of course bought the necklace for Lureen. And, as always, she squealed and acted surprised when she opened the box on Christmas Day... His life had sure come to a turning point, but some things just never changed.


	14. Chapter 13

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT**

**CHAPTER 13 : REALISING SOMETHING - JANUARY 6TH-8TH, 1984 **

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis looked at his watch and sighed.

_Looking at it every four damn seconds isn't gonna make time run faster, Del Mar._

January 6th.

Friday afternoon.

_Still_ 3'15.

_Still_ about 3 hours to work.

_Still_ about 5 or 6 hours - he guessed - before Jack would arrive.

He had realised last month that – on the contrary of what he had been expecting - actually knowing when Jack would come wasn't making the wait any better. He knew there always came a moment when he would turn more jumpy each time their next trip would approach, of course, but this time ... it had felt worse. He guessed it was because he had known it wouldn't be as long as usual. That seemed to have been working on his nerves. Making something shorter feel longer, way longer, in a strange stupid way. He had felt like a teenager waiting for the school year to end, counting down the days, his pride saved only by the ridiculous fact that he hadn't been actually red crossing the days on a calendar - _for what it's worth, h_uh. And now, counting down hours, minutes ... _more like seconds_ ... Hell, he was worse than a teenager. And he couldn't mind. Only thing he minded about was that the time was NOT running as fast as he wanted it to.

He went home, showered and then cursed himself for having already double-checked and prepared everything the day before, 'cause he had now then nothing left to do and keep his mind occupied, and he still had at least about one hour to kill. It was going to be a damn long hour, for sure.

Ennis was pretty certain Jack would arrive around the same time he had last time. It made sense, knowing Jack. It wasn't really late, but it was late enough after work to let Ennis some time to ... _well, just wait, it seems_. Ennis wondered how it would feel to come home one day and find Jack already there ... to come home to Jack ... That surely wouldn't feel wrong ... Yeah, maybe he should ask Jack to stop being so considerate all the time ... He decided against it though. After all, he kinda liked that about Jack too. _Dumbass._ He sighed. Of course, he liked _everything_ about Jack anyway.

He turned the TV on. Not that he really paid attention on what was on the screen, but it made some background sounds. Silence was only making it all worse. He kept though of course focusing on any noise he could hear from outside. And _finally_, at 8'39, he heard Jack's pick-up parking. He nearly knocked the TV down when he turned it off on his way to the door. He heard the footsteps coming to an halt at his frontdoor. Then, for a few seconds, there was nothing to hear, and he wondered if Jack was still hesitating about knocking or not. Soon though the sound of a key pushed in his lock came to his ears, and Ennis couldn't help but smile.

Then the door opened, and at last, there was _his_ Jack, a bag on his shoulder and a mischievous grin on his as always too handsome for words face.

"Hey, there."

**JACK POV**

Jack was finally at Ennis's frontdoor. He knew he shouldn't knock. Ennis had made pretty clear last month that the only reward from knocking would be that door pushed back closed right on his nose. He smiled to himself. Ennis never really needed to talk, indeed. Jack then used his key, opened the door and couldn't help but grin, seeing that Ennis was there, leaning on the wall facing the door.

"Hey, there."

_Got you good, Cowboy. Got you good. _

Finding Ennis just behind the door meant it all, as always. Knowing Ennis had been waiting, waiting for him, and had probably sort of run to the door at the first sound of his pick-up taking the turn. (Not that Ennis actually run, but Jack knew that, by Ennis's standards, it was running as fast - maybe even faster - as an athlete winning the 100m finale at the Olympic Games ...) Of course, Jack hadn't been able to see him running this time, but he knew he had anyway. Jack had seen his Cowboy "run" to him often enough, trip after trip, to know that Ennis _always_ run to him. And, Ennis being Ennis, _only _to him.

"Hi. Give me that."

Automatically, Ennis extended his hand towards Jack, as if unable to resist the urge to touch him, now that he finally was able to. Jack understood that need all too well, he felt it too. Jack handed his bag to Ennis, then went in and closed the door while Ennis turned once again all considerate on him, asking if he was hungry, or beaten after the long drive, bringing on Jack's lips that dreamy smile, the one which Jack didn't really seem to be able to get off his face nowadays.

And then, finally, Jack heard the damn "Come here" which always made his insides twitch and found himself pinned against the door as Ennis started kissing him wolfishly. Jack surely didn't mind. As long as it was Ennis doing the pinning, Jack would never complain about being pinned. Against a door, a wall, a tree, a pick-up, a kitchen counter, cold tiles, hard ground, soft sheets ... it really never mattered ... Only things that mattered then were his world spinning, spinning, spinning, and Ennis as his only steady anchor. That burning in their veins, that everlasting fire, whose embers just never grew cold but waited, for as long as needed, knowing one sight, one touch, was always all it took to ignite them again with renewed vigor. That sparkling magic, that irrefutable electricity between them, which had never faded with the years, and which Jack knew without any doubt just never would.

**ENNIS POV**

"You hungry?"

"No thanks, I ate on the way."

"Tired?"

"Not really. Could have been worse. Wasn't crowdy today ..."

Jack was smiling in that damn irresistible way which always made it so damn hard for Ennis to keep himself in check. Then the door was locked, and Jack was turning back towards him.

"Long day though, huh?"

They held each other's gaze, reading the same truth in brown and blue.

_You bet. Long days. Long nights._

And knowing it was now safe, Ennis couldn't wait any longer. He dropped the bag, whispered his usual "Come here", push-walking Jack one step or two backwards until he hit the door, and finally dived between Jack's already parted lips.

They kissed, long and deep, only sounds in the house their mingling ragged breathes echoing around them, Ennis feeling Jack's hands run strongly up his sides then dig in the curls at the back of his neck, pulling him closer still, while his own hands locked on Jack's jawline, tilting Jack's head the usual little bit up, their firm grip whispering in silence their usual secret.

_Missed you. Missed you. Missed you._

"Rodeo."

Nibbling at Jack's ear, one hand sliding down until it settled firmly on Jack's waist, the other roaming on Jack's chest until it came to rest above Jack's heart for a little while, his head turning even dizzier at the quickening strong beats he could feel right under his palm. Nuzzling in Jack's neck, breathing Jack in, in, as his right hand resumed its travel down Jack's side until it found his waist too. Pressing Jack further into the door, his fingers gripping Jack's waist hard for leverage, as he went to ravish Jack's welcoming mouth again.

"Rodeo."

_Missed you. Missed you. Missed you._

Unable to say it all, but knowing Jack heard it all anyway, and knowing Jack felt exactly the same way, as Jack met him as always with a force matching his own, hands digging hard in his neck then in his lowerback.

Jack's rasped voice in his ear as they started to grind harder against each other.

"Feels like someone isn't tired at all here, Cowboy."

Ennis should have blushed. But he was already too far gone, too intoxicated. Hearing those words only spurred him further, making him think of something Jack had told him at Don's. And Ennis was wondering if he should go along with it or not. He realised though that if he got it right, it would turn Jack wild - _you mean wilder_ - for sure ... And if he got it wrong, well, it would at least make Jack laugh, so, either way, Ennis decided it was worth the try.

"You bet. (smirking) Been castrating a few calves, so ..."

The brainshocked, oh-my-god look Jack gave him was funny.

"When did you turn into such an evil tease?"

But Jack sure didn't look like he was finding this funny.

_Guess I'm doing it right then. _

(shrugging) "Must be you rubbing off on me I guess. (his voice then low against Jack's ear) Feels good by the way when you do that, you know."

He heard Jack gasp and felt him involuntary jerk towards him.

"What, Rodeo? (smirking) Want a foot massage?"

Jack grinned his wicked smile as he started pushing him backwards towards the stairs.

"Tsk tsk tsk. A foot massage? Really, Cowboy, you should know by now ... I'm not that easily satisfied ... "

Jack then attacked his mouth again, pushing him up the stairs.

"So, go on, Cowboy, show me what you got. I'm sure there are plenty of places you could massage, besides my feet ..."

And well, there were, and Ennis took his time rubbing them all.

**JACK POV**

Jack awoke in the early morning, his eyes on the ceiling. He was lying on his back. He didn't need to look to know that Ennis was lying on his side against him, the weight of Ennis's arm sprawled all across his chest said enough. He took some time just looking around. The white walls glowing in the morning light. Their clothes discarded all over the floor. The shirt he had left here in November was still hanging on the chair ... It seemed it had stayed there all along. It surprised him - he had imagined it would be neatly stored in Ennis's closet or something - but in a really sweet way. His eyes traveled then on Ennis's nightstand, and his breath caught in his throat. There was his postcard. The one he hadn't needed to send, but had needed Ennis to have anyway. And it was framed.

He realised then that Ennis was awake, as Ennis's fingers started brushing back and forth softly where they laid, just under his shoulder. He realised that Ennis must have been awake for some time already too, the gesture was just too regular to be an awaking blurry one. And he realised too that Ennis didn't need to look either to know exactly what Jack was looking at now.

"Thanks for that, by the way."

Jack knew he was probably not going to get more from Ennis, but he didn't need more anyway. No point in stating the obvious after all. His postcard was fucking framed. A few seconds went by, in shared silence, both of them laying still except for Ennis's fingers still brushing back and forth at the same place.

Jack's eyes finally resumed their exploration of the room, and fell on the nightstand's open drawer. Jack started to laugh. He tried to keep it in, but he couldn't.

_Damn. What I would have given to have been a fly on the wall that day ..._

Ennis's voice still sounded somewhat sleepy.

"What's so fucking funny, huh, Rodeo."

Jack only laughed harder.

"You really wanna know?"

From Jack's tone, Ennis seemed to understand that he probably shouldn't want to know after all.

"Huh. Guess not. Forget I ask."

But Jack of course couldn't let this pass.

"Too late."

Jack moved then, stretching a bit until he took the lube in there, and grinned back at Ennis.

"I just still can't believe you bought THAT."

Ennis by now looked completely sure he shouldn't have been curious, averting his eyes and blushing that shade of red which always made Jack's heart melt. His voice was firm though as he answered in that oh-so-Ennis-like don't-mess-with-me grumpy tone.

"What's so special about that, huh. You buy it too."

But it only made Jack's heart melt further and Jack's grin grow wider.

"True. But I don't need to drive four towns away and buy the whole shop as a camouflage to get it, which I'm pretty sure you did."

"Very funny, Jack."

Same grumpy tone.

Jack kept smiling but nudged softly Ennis's elbow and asked more seriously.

"Come on, Cowboy. I'm dying here."

Ennis still didn't get his eyes up, but Jack could see he was starting to grin too. And when Ennis started to talk, the tone was somewhat playful now.

"Well, I didn't bought it here, all right. But you're wrong about the rest. I didn't buy the whole shop. Just some razor blades, and soap. Garbage bags. And one magazine over horses. That's it."

Then Ennis looked up, and there was definitely a little grin on his face.

"I asked for something else too, but they didn't have it."

Jack grinned.

"Spill it all."

Ennis smirked.

"I asked for the Playboy."

Jack started laughing hard enough to fall from the bed.

"What? God, Ennis ... that's not just funny ... that's ... priceless."

Ennis was now laughing too.

"Yeah. Well, figured it would make it easier if I got the shop people just as embarrassed as I was. That poor young boy, guess he didn't pay attention to anything after that. And if he registered I was blushing too, he must have thought it was because I was embarrassed about embarrassing him, so ..."

"My, my, ain't you the clever guy, huh ..."

"Guess I have my moments."

When their laughing subdued, Ennis seemed to be thinking further, but – unfortunately for him - aloud.

"A shame though they didn't have it. Would seem strange if I went back there, knowing they don't have it ... Now I'm gonna have to look for another place with an innocent poor boy as cashier ..."

Jack started to laugh again. He knew Ennis would never embarass a poor young girl with that question, and he wondered how many shops Ennis had first entered before finding the right kind of "victim" to go along with his plan. All that trouble, just for THAT ... _just for me_. It was sweet. In a very funny way, but it was sweet.

"Ennis, why don't you just let me take care of the shopping, all right?"

The look Ennis shot him, part ashamed, part relieved, but part hurt that Jack thought he wasn't really able to get it touched him though. His voice turned a bit more serious again.

"Hey, I don't mind. Just don't want you to get an heart attack over this one of those days is all ..."

Jack knew Ennis was all right when he played as if that last bit had been a joke and kind of crawled closer again.

"You're in a funny mood today, ain't you, Rodeo ..."

And Jack realised maybe he was, 'cause he still couldn't drop the whole subject. He grinned mischievously.

"You have no idea ... Let's see ... (grinning) You could remind me to "bring something to read". (chuckling again) Come on, that's a nice code you got here."

Ennis shoved him in the rib playfully, smirking.

"What is it with you and codes lately, Jack Fucking Twist? Are you developping a James Bond obsession I should get concerned about?"

Jack this time didn't laugh. He just got closer, smirked back and told huskily.  
"Nah. I wouldn't notice James, even if he knew how to wear a cowboy hat ... Funny you mention that though. After all, you're the one who started all the coding, you know ... Our "fishing trips"? Our "thing"? Guess I should be the one asking you that question."

Their lips were now only inches apart.

"Jack."

Ennis's tone was kind of husky too now. Jack though couldn't help but playfully imitate his Cowboy as he moved closer still.

"Ennis."

Ennis's eyes flashed upwards in that so endearing you-are-so-annoying-but-not-really way, the one which was usually accompanied by a playful sigh. Ennis didn't sighed though this time. His hand found the back of Jack's neck and brought Jack's head closer.

"Just shut up now. Please."

Jack though pushed his head backwards again and grinned when he met Ennis's gaze.

"Make me."

Ennis's eyes turned that shade of amber which always zinged right through Jack's spine.

"Any chance I get that grin off of your face too while I'm trying."

"Don't know ... Is the Boss around?"

"You bet he is."

Ennis hurled himself on top of Jack, and pretty soon achieved his goal, as that grin indeed disappeared from his face and got replaced by diverse kinds of enraptured begging little moans and crazy silly little comments Jack knew Ennis craved hearing.

When they were spent, Ennis didn't roll to lay at his side but just slided a bit down and stayed on top of him for a while, kissing Jack's back then resting his head upon it.

"Guess there is something I said though which turned out not to be a code."

It was whispered, and Jack recognised the tone. It was the one Ennis used on some very rare occasions, after some really amazing sex, when he seemed to be willing to talk sweet nonsense. Usually, those promising opening sentences were all Jack got, and he was never sure if Ennis even meant for him to actually hear them or if he was just thinking aloud, talking to himself. But his Cowboy had changed somewhat on that matter since their week at Don's in November, and Jack wondered if Ennis this time would go on. He guessed though Ennis probably felt more comfortable talking to his back than to his face, and just kept laying still, waiting.

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis came gradually back to his senses after his peak. Jack's cries of pleasure still echoing in his ears slowly replaced by _their_ mingled heavy breathes. Jack's scent and his own mixed now strongly, surrounding him with _their_ scent. His Jack under him, all hard lines but smooth skin, glistening with _their_ sweat.

Ennis inhaled it all deeply, brushing his nose against Jack's back, licking a tiny trail down from the back of Jack's neck 'till the middle of Jack's back, ending with a quick soft kiss there and finally laid still for some time. Jack never seem to bother about his weight on him after all, and though most of the times Ennis didn't authorize himself to cuddle, he always enjoyed it when he surrendered to his affectionate moods. This time was no different, being all curled up against his Jack giving him as usual the peace of mind he _never_ could achieve on his own.

His mind traveled back to their last words. Jack was right, he had been the one starting "coding". He realised though in a flash that after all, the first thing he had said about it turned out afterwards to be not a code but the simple truth, and though it wasn't what he had meant when he had said it all those years ago, it felt now just ... right.

He felt Jack somewhat tense briefly under him, and realised he must have been - again - thinking aloud. Jack though didn't move or uttered a sound. Ennis knew that it was probably not the first time, and that it would probably not be the last time. He wondered though how many times he had left Jack silently hoping for more. And he wanted to make it up to him for all the times he had, somehow. He whispered it out.

"One shot, Jack. One shot."

_It's you. It's always been you. It will always be you. Only you. _

He felt Jack wanted to turn and lifted his weight a bit. Jack's eyes met him, bright and clear, in that shade of dreamy blue, and Jack smiled, that secret little smile, and Ennis knew that Jack once more had heard all he couldn't say as Jack's hand came on his face, brushing his thumb above his lips then on his cheek, whispering back softly those two little words.

"One shot."

Then mischief again appeared on Jack's face as he brought Ennis back down against him.

"Well, that old bullet of yours could use another trip heavenwards. Come on, Sniper ... We both know you never miss."

Ennis chuckled but pressed himself more firmly on top of him.

"Jeez, you ARE in a funny mood today."

Jack just started grinding their lowerbellies together, hands digging in Ennis's butt. Ennis went to kiss him, and his last thought before the world vanished was that if this was his reward for turning into a romantic sweet talking fool, he sure shouldn't mind about becoming a fool anymore.

They took their time, strong but lazy slow strokes and thrusts for as long as they could, holding each other's gaze. And in the end, Ennis whispered those two words one last time before losing himself in the furnace of Jack's body as he had been losing himself in the blue pools of Jack's soul.

**JACK POV**

They stayed in bed all morning, until Ennis joked about them seriously needing to clean up and sent Jack jokingly to take a shower - alone, unfortunately. Once out of the bathroom, Jack grabbed his bag - which had once more been forgotten in the hall the evening before - and went back upstairs. Ennis brushed past him on his way to his own shower, arms full with tangled sheets.

Jack came back in the bedroom and seeing the bed freshly made just made him think about how nice it would be to make a mess of it. But Ennis seemed to have other plans then, and Jack wondered what they were. He dropped his bag near the chair, then took fresh clothes out. That's when he noticed ... something.

_Beat me._

The shirt he had left in November was still hanging on that chair, but he had been wrong about something when he had first seen it this morning. He took it in his hands and held it close, checking if what he thought was true. Then he smiled. Oh yes, his shirt hadn't been _just_ hanging here all this time. It wasn't smelling like his shirt _at all _anymore. There was definitely Ennis's scent all over it. Ennis's usual soap and shampoo, Ennis's sweat. Ennis had wore his shirt, often enough and long enough to erase any lingering trace of Jack's scent and imprint it with his own.

_Damn, Cowboy. What is it with us and shirts?_

Jack though stopped himself from relishing on the moment too long, got his jeans and his socks on quickly and went downstairs, deciding he could finish getting dressed later on. He really wanted to start to prepare their lunch while Ennis was still in the shower. Ennis changing the sheets was kinda cute, but he shouldn't have done it alone. Jack knew his Cowboy just couldn't help but try to have everything perfect, but Jack wasn't in some hotel, for Christ's sake. Jack wanted Ennis to stop nurturing him. Jack didn't want to be treated as "a guest" here. He knew too that it was in fact what Ennis wanted too, since Ennis had made him use his key to get inside in November ... Thinking back on that moment always made Jack smile dreamily. Yeah, Ennis was better at showing than at explaining ... _Well, it works both ways then._ So Jack decided he was going to make a real mess in the kitchen, cook something eatable enough for them both, then clean it all on his own. That should make his point, right?

**ENNIS POV**

When Ennis got out of the bathroom with his jeans on, he could hear Jack busy in the kitchen. He smiled. He went to the kitchen and nearly laughed at the exaggerated mess on the counter. He smiled wider. To himself and about himself.

_Dumbass. Told you you were doing too hard your best._ _You ain't some damn nurse to him, you know... _

"What's that, Rodeo? Planning to poison us both?"

Jack turned to face him and pointed to him with the knife in his hands.

"Well, I guessed if I can survive your cooking, you must be able to survive mine."

Then he resumed his cooking.

"It's not ready yet, so feel free to get dressed and all."

_That's your cue to NOT ask if he needs help. _

The show though was too nice to miss - his Jack, chest naked and hair still wet ... There was just no way Ennis would leave the kitchen now.  
"Well, guess if you can stand the fresh air, then so can I, huh."  
And he just sat at the table. Jack watched him as he sat and smiled. Ennis smiled back. Moments later Jack handed him a plate. They ate, then Jack started to clean. Ennis waited a few seconds, to make Jack understand he had got the message, then started to help, and Jack let him. They ended with Jack cleaning the dishes and Ennis drying them, something he usually never did - after all, it all got dry enough on itself on the counter, right - but well, it was a good reason to stick around _his_ Jack.

As he dried the last fork, Ennis tried to sound as neutral as he could as he decided to do something he wasn't in a hurry _at all_ to do, but something he still felt like he really needed to do, and the sooner the better, probably.

"Wanna go for a beer or something?"

Jack was stunned silent for a bit, and Ennis just focused on the fork some more.

"Sure."

Ennis didn't need to look at Jack to know he was smiling.

They finished to prepare themselves quite quickly. Ennis was of course the first ready. Now that he had decided to do it, better get it done before he chickened himself out of it. Jack first had been acting somehow slow, surely letting Ennis enough time to back off eventually, but Ennis had shot him a glance which had made him understood that he wasn't about to change his mind - even if he wanted to - and Jack had finished then more quickly. Then, just before they got out of the room, Jack nudged him.

"(seriously) Just one or two beers is enough, all right. (smirking) And I'll behave."

Ennis liked that the most, maybe. The way Jack just always seemed to _feel_ exactly what he needed or wanted ... It was though what had nearly condemn them both, and Ennis knew that he shouldn't count on this alone, that he should too force himself to talk, or to show what he couldn't tell. Ennis knew that he should let Jack know he felt it too. He had learned that lesson the hard way, and he wasn't going to forget it. Not ever. He held Jack's gaze.

"Thanks, Bud."

Then he nudged back, smirking too.

"You better, huh."

Jack looked like he was going to make a smarty silly comment again, 'cause he grinned, but finally decided otherwise and just kept silent.

Ennis felt it again, then. That connection between them, which he never had felt with anyone else and which meant it all. That connection which he could have definitely lost, only a few months ago, if he had held on his scared stubborn proud usual self. So yes, he had been right. Swallowing his pride had been more than worth it. And he knew he would be forever grateful towards Jack, for coming back to him. In '67, in '75, and this last November. Thrice. _Well, three times the charm, right ..._ Ennis swore to himself Jack would never have to come back to him again. Because Ennis would never push him away again.

"Let's go."

**JACK POV**

Ennis seemed so tensed, like an elastic going to snap. It was nearly funny. Jack didn't felt like joking aloud though. To be honest, Jack just wanted to soothe his low startle point Cowboy, not madden him further. Not at that moment, and not about what they were going to do. They had been together in public just once, on their way to their first fisching trip, breakfast and lunch. It had never occured afterwards, and they had never talked about it, but Jack had always felt it all had to do with Ennis's usual fears. Fear that "that thing between them" would be too obvious. Fear that it wouldn't be safe. So, he knew how difficult this was for Ennis. And he knew Ennis was doing it to make his point to Jack. Showing Jack that he wanted to try, at last. And that in itself meant enough already.

"Just one or two beers is enough, all right."

He saw Ennis relaxing some - it would be torture-like, for sure, but it would be short, at least. Some fear though still lingered, and Jack wondered if his Cowboy was afraid _of him_ somewhat too. After all, he was a tease. Not when it was important though.

"And I'll behave."

That seemed to do it. Ennis was still looking at him, but now in that damn way which always said it all.

"Thanks, Bud."

And Ennis smiled, finally. Shortly, about a quarter of a smile, but still. Ennis even nudged him back.

"You better, huh."  
Jack stopped himself for replying that Ennis really shouldn't have said that, 'cause after all, Jack surely wouldn't mind about being "punished". He let it slip though, wanting Ennis to realise he knew damn well that this was bloody serious. Besides, he surely wouln't mind about being "rewarded" either.  
_Silly. As if you both needed an excuse to get all over each other ... _

Ennis shot him again a glance with that look in his eyes, and Jack wondered if getting into bed instead of going out would be such a bad idea after all. But before he could make his mind, Ennis was out of the room, so he followed.

They went outside the house. Ennis closed the door, then started walking towards his pick-up, checking and rearranging automatically his shirt in the back of his jeans, making Jack smile once more - he just liked this typical Ennis little gesture. Liked it a lot. _Duh._ Of course, he liked everything about his Cowboy anyway.

Ennis drove. They didn't go to Riverton, but to the next town. Ennis of course got more and more tensed again during the drive. Just looking at his clenched jaw was painful. Ennis though surprised him when they got in the bar. He didn't walk to a table in some corner, but went straight to the barcounter. Jack realised though it was probably not a conscious "hiding in plain sight is the best strategy" move, but just the thing which for Ennis felt right - _trusted_ - because the only time they had been to a bar together - the day they had met - they actually had been sitting at the counter. Ennis didn't utter one word, except for "beer" and "thanks" to the waitress. Things were running full circle once more. Things were this time different though too, as Ennis gave Jack his own lighter, and as Jack chatted with the waitress some, instead of asking questions after questions to force little truths out of the blond Cowboy he had needed to know better 20 years ago. They left as soon as their beer got empty. Ennis mumbled to himself when they got out of the bar. Jack couldn't hear the words, but judging by Ennis's expression, he was ready to bet bet it was something along "wasn't that awful or difficult or strange after all, huh, dumbass". Jack smiled to himself.

Walking back to the pick-up, they passed in front of the little train station. Jack just froze. There seemed to be a photo booth inside! He went in, Ennis probably wondering why Jack needed to get in there but following. The train station was deserted. There were probably just a very few trains passing by in the week-end. It was a photo booth indeed. Jack told Ennis he needed some photos - after all, he had to renew his ID soon. He sat in the booth, inserted the coins, 1,2,3,4 flashes, and went out. Still no one around. He checked the timetable, now that they were close enough to be able to read it, and saw that he had been right. No trains still for more than an hour. Chances of anyone walking in were really thin. And if you kept just where he was standing now, you couldn't see the street. More important then, the street couldn't see you. It was now or never. Jack had never really thought about this, but since that talk with Lureen, he just couldn't get it out of his mind. He _wanted_ a photo from Ennis.

"Ennis. Don't make a fuss and get in there."

Ennis's kinda panicked eyes met his own.

"It's all right. It's fine. Out of sight. You can complain about it later on all you want, but now ... Just get. In. There ..."

He didn't need to push more though, surprisingly, and he guessed that maybe in fact Ennis wanted it too. Ennis's eyes flicked twice towards the street and back. Then Ennis sighed, mumbled something which sounded too much like "Jack Fucking Twist" to be anything else, but moved closer and, after one last glance towards the street which he couldn't see, sat down. Jack didn't even take the time to grin, in case Ennis would change his mind again, and inserted new coins in the machine. He shut the curtain and waited, counting the flashes and pretty sure Ennis would look embarrassed and tensed all right at least on the first two shots. He wondered if he would be able to see him blush. He hoped though that one of the picture would be good enough to show to Lureen, eventually. He had made a promise after all.

When the last flash could be heard, Jack opened the curtain again and told Ennis to stay sitted for a bit longer before he had the chance to stand. Ennis sighed again but didn't move as Jack inserted some coins once more in the machine, then stepped back. He let though the curtain open some this time.

"No one but us, Ennis. It's all right."

First flash.

"Just look at me."

Ennis does. Jack smiles.

Second flash.

Ennis smiles back.

Third flash.

They held each other gaze long enough, and as usual then Ennis got that look in his eyes, the one which meant it all.

Fourth flash.

But still they didn't move. After a few seconds though Ennis got back to his usual self and stood up.

"We should go."

Jack let him exit the booth.

"Just a few seconds."

They waited for the last shots to fall and dry, Ennis getting more anxious by the second until Jack finally grabbed the three photo sessions. The first four photos, his own. Then Ennis first ones, Ennis's cornered rabbit gaze somewhat awfully cute. On the last one though Ennis didn't look ready to implode from embarrasment anymore. He just looked as if he had been sighing about the whole situation. Jack smiled. Then the last four photos. _His_ Ennis now here, you bet. Jack would maybe show the last shot of Ennis's first session to Lureen. Maybe to Randall too. After all, why not ... But all the others, they would be his, and his only. And that last photo, with that look in his eyes ... Well, that one beat them all.

After a quick walk they were back to the pick-up and got inside. Ennis looked as if he couldn't get away fast enough. Jack though held his own photos up, and - knowing Ennis wouldn't ask - just told him to choose, 'cause two were enough for his ID anyway. Ennis glanced quickly at the photos and blushed a bit as he whispered "Second one". Then he quickly started the engine, focused on the road, and Jack knew Ennis wasn't going to talk more about it. But well, that meant he wasn't complaining about it after all. Not complaining at all, in fact, even if he surely wouldn't ask to see his photos – he probably wanted to forget he ever went to sit there too to begin with.

They drove back, parked and walked inside in silence. Then when the door got locked, Ennis sighed, out of relief it seemed. Jack grinned as he pushed Ennis against the door. Ennis surely didn't complain about this either. When he finally released Ennis's lips, they were both out of breath and needy for more all right. Jack leaned in again, manoeuvring them then this time towards the stairs.

"Let's get a good reason for changing the sheets again. Together, this time."

Ennis chuckled, then showed to Jack how much he agreed with that plan. They stayed in bed the rest of the day. Then Jack decided it was time to change the sheets. Of course, they messed them up again through the night.

Jack awoke.

8.30.

And Ennis was still asleep.

That was really unheard of.

Jack lost track of time, mesmerized by Ennis at his side, sprawled on hifs belly, legs quite apart, arms bent, hands under the pillow, and facing him, blankets covering him up till the shoulders but unable to hide completely the lines of this body Jack knew probably even better than his own ('cause well, how well do you get to know your own back, right ...). Then Jack couldn't keep only watching, and his fingers ran softly up Ennis bent arm near him, then came softly to play in the thin curls behind his ear. Ennis kind of purred, letting out one "Rodeo", and half smiled. He kept his eyes closed though. Jack's fingers went down a bit towards the base of Ennis's neck, knowing how much a sensitive spot it was for Ennis, and his Cowboy "mmmmed" his content, eyes still closed, and rolled his head to the other side in order to give Jack an easier access.

"Morning."

Jack spooned closer, finally replacing his fingers with his tongue, teasing, slow, and Ennis's breathing turned heavier. He kept still and silent though, and that was Jack's cue to get along. Morning glory be damned - Ennis had _never_ surrendered to him in plain day light - his Cowboy wanted him, sure thing. So Jack crawled on top of Ennis's back, softly licking and massaging every inch of flesh coming on display there as he slided downwards, blankets and sheets sliding down along with him. Neck, upper arms, shoulders, spine, waistline, buttocks, up and down, up and down, lazily but purposefully, Ennis still motionless under him, eyes squeezed shut but breathing harder and harder and unable to stop the usual deep, throaty noises which always spurred Jack on.

And then Ennis said it.

"Want you, Jack."

Not more than a whisper, but it resonated loud in Jack's ears. And in Jack's heart. Ennis actually asking was still so ... new. But Jack wouldn't mind about it becoming an habit, you bet. Jack's trail of kisses turned hungrier. He let though some space between their bodies, wondering if Ennis would want to turn around - that last sweet time, when Ennis had given himself up to him and had finally learned a few things on the way (Jack smiled at the memory), they had been face to face - or not. Knowing Ennis, hiding in the pillow surely felt tempting too right now. The pillow won indeed, Ennis pushing himself up on his elbows and knees.

Jack kept running his tongue on Ennis's back as his fingers pushed inside, slow, then more demanding. When Ennis arched his back, silently asking for more, Jack prepared himself, grabbed Ennis's hips and pushed inside, Ennis's usual groan at the intrusion zinging right through his spine. Jack held still, counting a few beats from his thundering heart, then started to move. When Ennis moaned, after a few thrusts, Jack's hand automatically inched towards Ennis's cock.

"Don't. Not yet."

Kind of pleading. His Cowboy seemed to enjoy it all fine enough just like that, and Jack's hand went back to grip Ennis's waist as Jack started to thrust harder, deeper, faster. Ennis's noises turned louder still, and a very few "yes, huh, yes" could even be heard as Ennis started to shiver in response.

"Now. Jack. Now."

Jack then took Ennis's cock in his firm grip. One, two, three strokes, matching his thrusts. On the fourth, Ennis started to cry his release, the usual sharp strangled "Jack" escaping his lips. Jack kept milking him, feeling him clenching voraciously, spasming around him, and soon joined him in Heaven.

When their breathing was back to normal, he slided out and laid back at Ennis's side. Ennis turned to face him, smiled, whispered "Morning to you too" and kissed him. Jack thought he was still "up there" after all.

**ENNIS POV**

Jack was behind him, silly comments rushing out of him in the usual but never boring litany of "fuck, Ennis, damn, Ennis, feels, fucking, good, Ennis, humph, God, Ennis, Ennis, Ennis", and as always hearing his own name escaping _those_ lips in _that_ tone just spurred him on like crazy. Jack's hands gripping hard on his hips, thrusting kind of mercilessly but oh so sweetly in, out, in, out, in, out, driving him mad. Yes, mad.

Ennis realised that now that he knew how good it could be, it felt better that way too. Like if being more open mentally made him more open too, physically. On the beginning he had somehow shifted some, and - _fuck, yes, god_ - Jack had hit that sweet place deep inside him just the right way. And was hitting it again and again and again, and it was becoming so good, oh so good, it was sort of painful not to come, too good and Ennis couldn't take it any longer and ordered, asked, begged - he really couldn't decide, but it really didn't matter - for Jack to help him fall over the edge. And Ennis fell, hard, though it felt more like flying upwards, hearing and feeling Jack losing it too with him, within him.

Ennis realised when he came back to his senses that he could easily get used to getting awake like that. Damn fine way to start the day, you bet. _Dumbass._ Of course, with Jack, anything was "damn fine" anyway. _His_ Jack, under him, above him, astride him, beside him, on top of him, behind him ... only thing that counted was that it was Jack. In the end, it just always came down to Jack.

But it was sunday already, and Jack would have to leave soon. The weather could turn bad easily, it was January after all, and Ennis didn't want Jack to leave late. The longer Jack would be driving in plain daylight, the better Ennis would feel. So Ennis enjoyed himself just lightly kissing and touching Jack for a while, then spoke about breakfast. Jack of course understood it meant playtime was finally over, unfortunately. But his eyes told Ennis that he understood the reason for it too. Ennis just coughed some to hide his embarrassment and moved to fetch their jeans on the floor. Jack grabbed his socks too, and Ennis couldn't hide his smile. It wasn't really cold inside the house, but his Rodeo just liked warmth, you bet. He kept his chest naked though as he followed Ennis out of the bedroom. And that was just damn fine too with Ennis. Just damn fine.

They prepared a solid breakfast together, and a warm cosy feeling filled Ennis as Jack moved around unhesitantly as he dressed the table, opening all the right doors and drawers automatically - _as if he owned the place_ - while watching him and joking around, his goofy smile plastered on his sweet face.

While they ate, Ennis took some milk. Jack eyed him with a funny look. Probably just because well, he was realising that he never had seen him drink any before - taking some to their fishing trip had never been an option, it would just have turned before getting unpacked. Then Ennis thought it was after all maybe _just_ a funny look, because Jack drank some too, held his gaze and went to lick any potential trace of it with his expert tongue. Ennis could bet he blushed. He coughed a bit, trying to ignore his groin's reaction at the sight. _Rodeo._ Trust _his_ Jack to turn any little normal gesture into merciless teasing.

Then it was shower time. Jack grabbed him when he went in the bathroom, whispering "One more time", and Ennis went along. At least they would win some time after all, they would shower too while "busying" themselves, right ... _Lamest excuse ever, Del Mar._ Simple truth was that Ennis wasn't able to refuse Jack. He just never had been able to. And he guessed he just never would.

They couldn't pretend for long though that they had all the time in the world. When they were done "cleaning" themselves, Jack went to prepare his bag, and Ennis followed. Trying to engrave in his mind each and every second of their last moments, to fill the sense of void and loss which would soon crash on him, as it always did after they parted.

Jack watched the red shirt he had left here in November, still hanging on the chair, eyed the dark blue shirt he had been wearing the day before now balled on the chair, and seemed to hesitate about something.

"Don't you think I should take this one back and leave the one from yesterday here instead?"

Ennis tried not to beam. Trust _his_ Jack to always get just the right idea. It made sense, after all, Ennis had asked Jack last time to "make it real". And it sure couldn't feel real if it was always the same shirt hanging here, right? Ennis though couldn't think further then than the fact that it would mean he would have Jack's scent too for a bit longer with him, and that was all that counted.

"Yeah ... Guess that would made sense."

Jack put the red shirt in his bag, let the dark blue one where it was and smiled back. Ennis wondered why - his answer wasn't over enthusiastic or funny, right? - but decided it was probably better to just let it pass.

Jack had nearly finished packing when - without looking at him once - he took out a little scissor from his toilet bag, opened a side pocket of his bag, cut something then put some kind of white thin strip on his nightstand. Ennis realised it could be nothing else than _that _photo, laid facing down, and knew he was blushing. Jack zipped his bag shut, still not looking at him but letting his eyes travel all over the room, as if trying to memorize every tiny detail.

"I'd better go now."

"Huh."

They walked to Jack's pick-up in silence. Jack threw his bag inside, then turned towards him to say goodbye. Ennis leaned in, and as usual brushed their foreheads together before kissing him one last time.

"You take care, huh."

"Of course."

Jack turned and opened the door. Ennis couldn't help it and brought him back close to him, arms circling his waist and neck, needing to breathe Jack in, _just once more_, then rested his chin on his shoulder. Jack automatically leaned back against him, rolling his head backwards until it met his other shoulder and bringing his hand above Ennis's hand on his belly.

Ennis didn't know where his next words came from, but they were whispered out before he realised it.

"You know, Bud ... right?"

Jack didn't turn, just kinda pressed himself nearer and closed his eyes.

"Yeah, Cowboy. I know."

Ennis relished it all just a bit longer, then squeezed Jack closer with the arm around his neck.

"Good."

Then he released him, his whole body complaining right away at the loss.

Jack turned only his head and met his gaze, eyes bright, so bright.

"See you soon."

Then he climbed in and left.

Ennis's gaze followed Jack's pick-up for as long as he could. Then, as it finally disappeared, Ennis realised something. He felt the usual wrenching pang, but there was _something else_ too. A sudden jolt run through him as he admitted it for what it was. Clear and simple. No denying possible. For the first time ever, Ennis _was_ actually jealous. Lureen, Bobby, and whoever else Jack saw on a daily basis were lucky. They had Jack around. Each fucking day. Jack, his funny banter, his crazy ideas, his silly mouth, his goddamn eyes. Ennis had always known that, but he never had allowed himself to envy them. It would have been pointless, there was nothing to do about it, right?

But now ... The more Ennis had Jack around on a "normal day" basis, and not only "out of the world, far and away", the more he wanted to share those normal little things with him. Waking up in a bed, watching TV, cooking in a real kitchen, eating in something else than cans, cleaning, making the bed, going out for a drink ... Even that last one had felt ... _right_. He hadn't been able to look at Jack then of course, not trusting his eyes to hide the truth, but just listening to Jack's soft voice as Jack had been chatting with the waitress had been nice. More than nice. _Fulfilling._ Ennis realised something else too. He didn't just wanted more of those simple moments. He _needed_ more of them.

That sweet life Jack used to talk (more or less directly) about still scared him, as hell, but there was no going back now. It would take some time, of course. But Ennis would find a way. A way to make it safe. Safe enough. And then, he would grant Jack that sweet life he deserved.  
_One day, Jack. I swear. One day._

Ennis went back inside, eyes lost, trying to imagine the look on Jack's sweet face when that day would come.


	15. Chapter 14

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT ...**

**CHAPTER 14 : SURPRISES : FEBRUARY 10TH-12TH, 1984 (1/2)**

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis went to check his mail on his way home, as usually on Fridays. He didn't notice it at the post office, nor in his pick-up, but only as he shuffled through the stack while he walked to his frontdoor. Behind his monthly horse magazine was a large brown envelop. He saw the post stemple and froze : Childress - but what Ennis really read then of course was : _Jack_. He went inside, threw the rest of his mail on the coffeetable without really caring about where it would land, and sat on the couch while tearing that envelop open, as always greedy for any news from _his_ Jack.

There was another envelop within. On this one, a few words were written.

"Got you something to read."

_No way. You must be kidding me._

Ennis grinned, wondering if Jack had done what he believed he had done. He opened the second envelop and of course, yeah, no kidding, got out the last edition of the Playboy. Ennis chuckled.

_Jack Fucking Twist._

Knowing Jack probably would probably tease him to no end about this and wanting to have a few facts to retort back eventually then, Ennis flipped it open on the centerfold. Then he chuckled, but felt some color rise to his cheeks. There, written in block letters with a marker all over the girl's naked body, Ennis could read, clear as broad daylight : "Happy Valentine."

_Rodeo. _

Ennis read the message a few more times, running his fingers above the text automatically, then flipped through the rest of the magazine quickly, in case Jack had let other silly comments somewhere. He found none.

Ennis got upstairs and took the box in which he kept Jack's postcards and his other treasures - his unfinished carved horse from the summer that had changed his life, the empty pack of cigarettes from their night at the motel in '67, the little stone Jack had playfully thrown at him while he had been cleaning the dishes (foolish joke which had got him pinned flat on his back by the gravelly river bench not more than three seconds later) during one of their fishing trips nine years ago - which had turned out to be the last trip before his divorce and that fucked up November day, and the BIC pen he had just "forgotten" to give back to Jack after one of their silly boardgames-on-paper sessions while cooking during one of their fishing trips three years ago ... Little nothings. But they have been his lifelines through all those years. Ennis stored the second envelop and his "Valentine card" in the box too, then put the box back where it belonged, on the back of the highest shelf in his closet.

He threw the rest of the magazine in the bin, sealed the garbage bag and brought it outside. Better get rid of it, right now. Not because he was concerned about the girls finding it. Well, to be honest, all right, that was one of the reasons too. But not THE reason. Ennis wanted to get rid of it because he didn't want Jack to get a chance to annoy him by his next visit with flipping through it and asking to him what he thought about that girl, or that one, or that one. Ennis could easily think about a whole bunch of better things to do with _his_ Jack in his bed than having to compare women's anatomies.

A whole bunch. You bet.

Ennis decided he was in for a _long_ shower.

**JACK POV**

_Last stop._

Jack kicked his legs and stretched a bit while filling his gas tank, paid and went to the toilets. He washed up a bit and changed his shirt too, as usual. He wondered if Ennis had already received his "Valentine card." He should have. He had posted it on Monday, when he had left for his first "getting to present myself to potential future clients in Colorado" tour. He had made a lot of contacts through the week. He believed a few were already interested. For a begin, it wasn't bad.

Jack thought about how much had changed in his life in less than a month.

By middle January, Lureen had spotted an ad in the newspaper about some appartment, in Childress too. They had seen it and Jack had liked it enough. He now rented it. Lureen had agreed when he had asked her to "forward" any mail he could get from Ennis. She had even pointed something to him which he hadn't think upon until then : what about his ring? He couldn't keep it on. But Ennis would for sure notice it if he wasn't wearing it anymore, right? Jack absentely rolled his new ring around his finger and smiled dreamily. It looked the same all right. But it wasn't.

They had spoken to Bobby too and told him they were going to divorce, when he had got home three weeks ago arond 23.00 after his usual "Friday Mc and movie" with his friends. It had been bad. Bobby had been quite shocked. He had said there had been a time when he had believed it could happen, a few years ago, but he had thought that things had got better again. So, he just hadn't seen it coming. At all. It hadn't been though as bad as it could have been. Bobby was old enough to know it had nothing to do with him, and adult enough to realise that in the end, it wasn't really his business, but his parents' business, and if it was what they wanted, well, "so be it". Bobby had helped him pack and move in his new apartment last week-end. Lureen had helped too, and Bobby must have realised that his parents might be divorcing but were at least still fond enough of each other not to throw knives at each other. That surely counted for something, right. So, yeah, Bobby would be fine.

They had started the divorce's procedure, and as there was nothing they didn't agree on, it shouldn't get long before it got pronounced. It would maybe get pronounced even before he got his new home "boxes free". He had a lot of driving to do in the next few months, as he had decided to give a try to Lureen's plan about expanding in Colorado. He couldn't care less about unpacked boxes anyway. Going on the road for the job meant a lot of occasions to get to see Ennis without Bobby wondering too much about him being away that much. The divorce for now was enough for him to deal with. The rest would come, of course, but in due time.

Jack climbed in his pick-up for what would _finally_ be the last time for a few days. He opened his wallet, took the picture of Ennis he kept in there behind Bobby's one and smiled, remembering what the only people who knew about Ennis had told him when they had seen another one of those pictures.

Lureen : "Damn. Guess it's true. The really hot ones are all gay."

He had shown the photo to her the last time they had been sleeping in the same bed. He had asked if she had meant what she had said that day in December about wanting to see Ennis's photo. She had answered that she _needed_ it, because she would then finally stop wondering about who he was. It would bring her some peace. So of course Jack then had silently walked to his bag in the closet and had handed her the photo. She had been kind of absently brushing her thumb on it a few times. Jack had wondered then if she was somewhat trying to erase him or somewhat trying to see underneath, to see the soul under the picture, to see who he really was. He had been relieved when she had breathed out : "I know at least how he looks like now, he." Then she had smiled at him and had tried to joke around, just like that, and Jack had thought once more about how just amazing she was. Then she had lowered her face on her hands, and he had held her, knowing something was finally going to burst out. She had broken down a few moments afterwards, crying in silence for a short time in his arms. He hadn't release her one second through the night, and had kept whispering to her over and over when she finally had fallen asleep that she _would_ find one hot guy who would love her as she deserved. She would.

Randall : "Wow. I'm converted. Definitely should pay more attention to the blond ones."

Jack had smiled.

Because he couldn't disagree. Ennis had been the first blond he had ever glanced at. The only one too, in fact - all the other blonds he had glanced at couldn't count, they all had been shadows, blurry reflections of the only blond he had ever wanted.

_And whom I'm going to get. _

And because he had known too that Randall wasn't really serious about it. Jack had never met Daniel, but he knew he was dark haired too. It had first pained Jack the first time Randall had mentioned his Dan and his dark hair, 'cause Jack had realised after all that he might have been more Randall's type than what Randall had told him. But then, Randall had mentioned how tall Daniel was - he played basketball. And Randall had mentioned Daniel's green eyes. And Jack had quickly learned that Randall could talk for hours about those eyes.

_Well, it was bloody time he got back at you from rambling about Ennis's damn half smile. Or soft curls. Or telling-it-all eyes. Or hypnotising voice. Or freckled back. Mmm ... Not that I ever mentioned that one to Randall, but I can ramble enough about it to myself all right. Just as much as about his skilled hands and how good they can make me feel, and ... Jeez, wake up Jack. Better stop the list here and get back on the road before it gets too slippery, right. Besides, don't you have something better to look forward to than imagining all those things ... Just go for the real deal already, huh ..._

Jack put the photo back in his wallet and started the engine, _that_ smile still on his face. That smile was still on his face by the next crossroad, when he turned left, following the sign which said : Riverton.

Half an hour later, Jack parked his pick-up and brought his worn-out body towards the door which will grant him that real deal finally. And the closer he got to that door, the less tired he felt. Jack chuckled.

_Damn , Cowboy, who knew you were a full vitamine C bottle on your own too?_

He didn't chuckle long. His fingers got tingly. His mouth watered. And by the time he got in front of that door, his jeans felt far too tight. Jack wanted badly to find his Cowboy right behind that door as usual - funny, in a very right way, as it already felt "usual", after all, it was just the third time he came by. And he knew exactly what his greeting words for Ennis this time would be : "Not tired. Not hungry. Very horny."

He opened the door. Ennis wasn't there. But what greeted him made his whole body shudder nonetheless. The sound of water running. So Ennis wasn't waiting for him behind the door. But it was just because he hadn't heard him coming. Because Ennis was in the shower. Which meant : Ennis was _naked._ A week of dreaming just about this moment. A week of taking care of himself in cheap motels' beds, again and again and again. Jack had laughed when he had realised by the second night that now that he lived on his own, this would probably become his favorite way to pass the time. He had wondered if this was one of Ennis's ways to pass the time too. And now, he was _here_, and Ennis was _naked_. Time for some action, you bet.

So Jack locked the door silently, got out of his clothes as quickly as possible, one evil grin on his face, grabbing the lube out of his bag and praying that Ennis hasn't locked the bathroom.  
_Silly, he lives alone. Why should he lock the damn door? __  
_Jack's hand moved towards the handle. Then Jack heard something else than water running - one word - and felt frozen and burning all at once. Ennis's voice. Whispering _his_ name. In _that_ tone.  
_You must be kidding. _  
He opened the door slowly - _See, unlocked_ - and saw the hottest show he had ever seen. Yep, you bet, it seemed this was one of Ennis's ways to pass the time too all right.

_His_ Ennis.  
Under the shower stream.  
Leaning against the white tiles.  
Head rolled back and a bit on the side.  
Eyes squeezed shut.

Mouth half open, then chewing on his underlip.

Every muscles clenching and unclenching rythmically.

One hand firmly stroking his cock.

Up and down and up and down and up and down.

Different kinds of "mmmm" and one "yes" echoing in Jack's ears, but not as loud as his own name escaping those lips now more rapidly, twice, as that damn skilled hand moved faster - and Jack knew _exactly_ how good that hand felt, you bet.

One long groan.

Several spurts of semen, washed away as quickly as they had appeared.

Silence.

Another whisper now : "Rodeo".

One dreamy smile.

Ennis opened his eyes. Their gaze met, and all air seemed to leave Ennis's lungs in one short gasp.

"Jack?!"

Then Ennis passed in less than a second from whiter than white from shock to redder than red - but not from embarassment - eyes ablaze.

"What the fuck are you doing here."

**ENNIS POV**

"What the fuck are you doing here."

As his own voice echoed around him, Ennis cringed, whatever fury born out of embarrassment he had felt disappearing at once, leaving him standing there, truly ashamed.

_Shit. _

_I just didn't say that, right. I didn't._

_Yes, you just did. You asshole._

_Shit._

Turning the water out absently, needing to do something, anything, to keep his hands busy and his eyes somewhere, anywhere but in Jack's for sure hurted eyes. Sighing. Forcing the words out.

"Jack. Didn't mean that. I mean ... didn't mean it ... like that."

But then Ennis was surprised. Jack was chuckling.

"He, it's all right. My fault. Didn't think I could spook you ... It's just ... I got in, heard the shower, and I just ... couldn't wait, huh."

Ennis started to breathe again. _Spook you._ Jack was making it easy for him, as always, pretending he had just scared the hell out of him, pretending he hadn't seen ... what he had seen. And he didn't sound hurt or pissed off, not one bit. Ennis finally dared to look at Jack again. And only then did he register that his Jack was smiling that wicked grin of his, and that he was fully naked ... and damn hard ... and prepared, judging by what was in his hand. And suddenly, that was the only thing that mattered.

"You couldn't wait, Bud, huh ..."

_I know I can't either whenever you're around._

"... Then why are you all over there, instead of right over here."

Bringing Jack close to him forcefully, pinning him against the tiled walls, hands running all over him, smashing their mouths together. As always, he met no resistance. And as always, he felt himself hardening again fast and fully. He heard some noise and guessed Jack had placed the lube next to his shampoo.

After a while, Ennis growled when he ended that hell of a kiss, bringing Jack's hands above his head and holding him in place by the wrists. He pitched his voice low, the way he knew Jack craved.

"So. You couldn't wait, huh. But it can't be an excuse for sneaking in, huh ... You know that, right, Jack Fucking Twist."

Jack just bucked against him and tried to catch his mouth again, but Ennis didn't indulge, and held Jack's wrists now in one hand as the other one started running down Jack's front, inching towards his belly button but stopping just before it got there and travelling up again.

"Guess you're in for a little lesson then, huh."

Flat strong hand moving up, never reaching a nipple, and down, never reaching his belly button, slowly but purposefully, making Jack's breath quicken and Jack's body squirm.

"Yeah. Guess you're just gonna ... have ... to ... wait ... a ... little ... longer ..."

Leaning in again, nose running up Jack's neck slowly, smiling as Jack automatically turned his head to the side to give him more room to play. Noise buried now deep in Jack's neck and hair and ... it hit him. Jack's scent was there, you bet, but something was different. Ennis couldn't stop himself.

"He. You smell weird."

Jack's chuckling again in his ears, but his voice a bit far away as he answered, pressing his groin against him in cadence with his words.

"Huh huh. New thing. Liquid soap. Supposed to smell like the ocean. Liked it right away. Never seen it."

Ennis inhaled again, deeply. It made sense. Jack and his dreams, never satisfied with settling for anything, always wanting to have it all. Fucking all. So if he could have the ocean that way, of course he would. Ennis had never seen the ocean either. He had even never thought about it. But now, oh yes, he would like to see it too. With Jack. And one day, they would. Together. He noted this in the back of his mind quickly, then turned his attention back to the willing body grinding against him.

"New thing, huh. Wonder how it tastes."

Just the tip of his tongue now on the side of Jack's neck, licking slowly the path up 'till his ear and down 'till his collarbone, and Jack moaned. Letting go of Jack's wrists, and Jack's arms fell to his sides, but they knew the game and just stayed there, hands clenched against the wall and not reaching for him. Licking down, down, down, blowing on one nipple before circling it with his tongue, and Jack started his usual chanting.

When Ennis reached Jack's other nipple, one hissed "Ennis" escaped Jack's lips. Ennis smacked Jack playfully on the side of his butt.

"Since when is it all right for you to call me by my first name."

"Huh, huh. Sorry, Boss."

After some time, Ennis licked his way lower still, falling on his knees, finally touching Jack's belly button, then lower, lower, lower, slowly, everywhere except where Jack was trying to have him, as he tried to move his hips to get Ennis's mouth meeting his cock. Ennis gripped Jack's hips, "tsk tsk tsk", and held them still as he then blew some air on its tip instead. Jack moaned. "Yes." Another lick, just not there. Another blow. Jack swore. "You're killing me". Again, and Jack shivered. "Fuck." Grazing one nail up Jack's length too this time when he blew on its tip, and Jack lost it, closing his eyes, head rolling back, fists pressing hard against the tiles.

_Yes, Jack. Tell me._

"Please. Damn you, Ennis, just, please, just ... ooohhhh, yessss ..."

And Ennis finally closed his mouth around him and started litterally eating him up.

"More. Now. Please. More. Hummmm."

Then the rest of his words got lost too as Ennis brought two fingers inside him and found the spot which always made Jack's eyes roll back until he could see his brains. Jack didn't last long.

"Fuck. Gonna shoot. Gonna shoot. Gonna ... aaahhh."

When Jack finally looked back down at him again, Ennis smirked.

"Still tastes fine enough to me, Rodeo. Wanna taste it too?"

Then Ennis was back on his feet and went to ravish Jack's mouth again, sharing the taste, while his fingers moved again deep inside his Jack. Jack's hands started roaming too all over him, as if willing him closer, closer, closer still. Then a litany of "Want you, Cowboy. Need you, Ennis. Now" could be heard, sweet music in his ears, as Jack snaked one hand between them and gripped their hard-ons, smearing his erect cock with their mixed precums.

Ennis went blindly for the lube, Jack's groan of "Yes" loud in his ears as Jack turned to face the wall, wiggling his ass against him. Ennis greased himself some more quickly, gripped Jack's hips and slammed back home. One thrust, two grunts, Jack squeezing him tight, oh yes, so tight. Heaven. Then, Ennis slided his arms under Jack's arms and hooked them up, closing his hands on Jack's shoulders, to protect Jack from crashing too hard against the tiles as he started pounding mercilessly in, out, in, out, in, out, again, and again, and again, harder, deeper, faster, and ... Oh, yes. Forget the bed. You could do a lot of things with Jack in the bathroom too. A whole bunch. You bet.

They cried out together.

**JACK POV**

Afterwards, they washed up and went to bed. On their way upstairs, Jack picked up his clothes scattered in the hall and Ennis grabbed his bag, making Jack smile. Three times was the charm. His bag was finally making it upstairs before the next morning.

They got under the sheets, Jack smiling again as he guessed that for once they hadn't been refreshed five minutes before he got in them. Not that they weren't clean, but they weren't smelling from miles away like washing powder anymore, so ... They were here for a few days already ... It felt nice. Jack wondered if "something" had happened too in them. In a crazy way, it felt nice too. More than nice. Right.

Jack sat a bit up and kind of opened his arms. That was the sign. Saying to Ennis that he wanted him close, but giving him the comfort of not having to meet his eyes. It had started that night in the motel in '67, and had turned out a routine quite quickly. It had always happened, by each of their trip. Twice or thrice in the begin, only once a trip after Ennis's divorce (but Jack had never been able to stop needing this completely) - always their last night, right after Ennis would have offered himself to him. This time though Ennis for once didn't pretend, didn't sigh or flash his eyes upwards before coming closer and sitting against him, back to chest, one hand running up and down Jack's arm, just relishing the closeness while waiting for Jack to talk, as he always did at some point. And indeed, now that some of the tension was out, Jack couldn't resist teasing Ennis any longer.

"So ... Nice to know you think about me when, you know ..."

Jack didn't need to see Ennis's face to know it had turned bright red again. The usual shifting against him said enough. But Ennis answered, surprisingly. Mumbling, of course, but still. He even joked.

"Yeah, well ... Your fault anyway. No matter how dumb you get, it just always put silly ideas in my head."

Jack chuckled.

"I guess you got my V card then, right."

"Ah ah. Most fucked-up one I ever received."

Jack chuckled some more.

"All right, only one I ever received, but ... yeah ... pretty fucked-up, you bet."

Jack could hear Ennis was smiling too now. It felt good. He continued.

"So, do you want me to read something to you?"

Ennis turned his head to meet his gaze - that was new too. Ennis usually kept looking at the tent entrance whenever they got "like that". Even more unusual, the ghost of a smile could be seen twitching his lips and brighting his eyes. His Cowboy actually looked quite proud of himself.

"Sorry, Rodeo. No reading. I threw it away."

Jack couldn't help but feel ... deceived.

"What?"

"Not ... you know. But the rest, yes, threw it away, right away. I know you. Not one silly comment anywhere else. Could mean only one thing."

_Yep. Guess you know me._

"Damn. You're spoiling my fun."

Ennis turned fully now and tugged at him, making him understand he wanted him to lay back down.

"Nope. Just thought we could do something better with our time is all."

Then Ennis rolled on him, and Jack surely wasn't gonna complain about not being able to make stupid jokes anymore. His Cowboy was right. Definitely. Being nailed several times to the mattress through the night was a damn fine way to pass the time. Oh yeah. Damn fine.

Morning came. They "showered" together. They cooked and ate. Then they were back in the bedroom. Jack let his hand run on his blue shirt hanging loose on the chair, the one he had let here last month.

Ennis came and hugged him from behind in silence for awhile.

"Gotta get used to that new smell of yours, Bud."

Jack knew it was the "Missed you" Ennis wasn't going to say aloud. And probably too a silent apology for his furious first words at him the day before. So Jack just relaxed some more in his lover's arms and put one hand above Ennis's hand on his waist, not wanting Ennis to let go already. Ennis sensed it and started humming his mommy's song. That meant the world to Jack. He relished it some more, then decided it was enough for now, maybe.

"You're gonna make an habit of this?"

But Ennis surprised him again by staying close some more, chin digging in his shoulder as he talked.

"Mmmm ... Maybe. You mind?"

Jack smiled he guessed the brightest smile he had ever smiled.

"Not one bit ... Feels just perfect every time."

A few seconds more, then, as usual, a tug, and Ennis released him, and started to put the rest of his clothes on.

But Ennis kept talking, and Jack listened, as always eager for any word which brought him in his Cowboy's often so closed-up mind.

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis couldn't explain why he had to get this out. Why now. But it just felt .... necessary. Fair trade or something. Jack had told him that that hug was his perfect moment. That that hug was what had brought him back to him too. So Ennis now really liked that hug too. But for years, he hadn't. That hug wasn't his perfect moment. And it was maybe time for Jack to know it all after all. And talking while putting his clothes on should make it easier, right?  
_Focus on the buttons, one, two, three, four ... On and on, don't listen to what you're saying. And don't watch him - Don't wanna tell too much and feel like a fucking idiot, right ... Just ... Focus on the buttons._

"You know Bud ... That hug on Brokeback ... Now that you told me ... _what it meant for you_ ... I get it ... but ... for years, I didn't really like it ... Felt like ... you know ...

_Like if it had been the last time I had and would ever hold you. Like if I had been fooled. I had finally let you in, completely, but it seemed you didn't really care. _

... I mean, the morning after ... you were packing, not looking at me, saying you could lend me some fucking money.

_Jeez, Jack, I surely wasn't pissed about the money. That summer ... I had never felt so ... alive ... before, and I didn't want it to end. Didn't want us to go down. Wanted us to stay in that bubble of ours. Just us. Together. I was unprepared for that fucking pain stabbing right through me just thinking about us having to part. I felt ... lost. _

I read you so wrong, I know that now, but by then ... You came to me and you acted like you wanted ... I don't know ... some last fun.

_I couldn't have fun. Remembered your "Nobody's business but ours", and something I had heard K.E. and some guys talking about years ago just flashed in my head. How it was gross that it was considered as ok sometimes for things to happen between guys, if they were working alone and if it stayed up there and had no meaning. Fuck, our summer, it HAD a meaning._ _But you didn't seem to find the fact that it was over as bad as I did, and that just ... pissed me off._

We've never talked about it, but I guess ... I guess that it's why I ... you know. _Why I punched you._ You looked lost though after it, and you called me "Friend". I just had punched you, and still you were calling me "Friend". And I ... I didn't know anything anymore then. So ... _It's maybe time for you to know that ..._ I waited.

_Waited to see you around, before November, before my wedding would come. _

Not sure what I would have done if you had, really, don't ask, I just don't know ... I don't know. But I was ... waiting ..._ wanting ..._ Of course, well, nothing happened, so ...

_So I thought you hadn't mind as much as I had. Told myself then that I should just follow the path which seemed written for me. _I got married._ Never felt the same with her as it had with you, and I knew what it meant. I knew. _

And then, that next summer, Alma was pregnant ... _So I couldn't leave her alone for months just to see if you would be there or not ..._

So ... Guess I just want to tell you that ... if I had to pick one perfect moment ... It would be that first night back camping together in '67...

_A gentle breeze in the air, not too cold, not too warm, a little meal, some whiskey. And you. Just you. You, glowing in the campfire light, and talking, talking, talking, as if four fucking years hadn't passed, as if we were still up there, and I couldn't stop listening. _

Because, Jack, you know ... _You had come back. Finally, you had come back to me_."

_There. All out. And you're still alive._

Ennis closed the last button on his shirt and went to put his socks on. Not daring yet to look at Jack. Waiting, he didn't know what for, but waiting nonetheless ... They had _never_ talked about it, and Ennis was wondering how Jack would react to that new knowledge. Jack cleared his throat. Once. Twice. Then he started pacing.

**JACK POV**

Jack couldn't believe his ears.

_Oh. My. God._

As always, Jack didn't need more than half sentences to fill in the blanks in Ennis's mumbling. And what his Cowboy was pouring out now was just ...

_Fuck._

_Shit._

_Fuck._

Jack was flabbergasted. Thunderstruck. And damn angry. At Ennis, at himself, at the whole fucking world which had maybe played the most awful trick on them. Jack felt like crying his eyes out. Or vomiting his guts. Only thing he could do though was ... walking. Pacing back and forth and back and forth. Ennis still wasn't looking at him. Jack knew he should say something. Anything. Fill the void. His voice came out, finally, urgent, desperate, but not angry anymore. It was all just ... Just ... _Shit._

"Shit, Ennis. I read you so wrong too ... Damn you. You really thought by then that our summer had just been for me about ... _the sex ?! Using you to get some 'cause you were the only alternative around to them sheep ?!_ Damn me. I talked about the money 'cause I thought maybe it was your open door to meet me again, so you could repay me. But you got even more pissed then, so ... I kept packing on my own 'cause we had to pack, and I figured you needed time to steam off. I couldn't look at you 'cause I was afraid I'd break if I saw in your eyes what I was so sure I'd see ... You know ..._ You thinking that you were to marry, you freaking out on me and wanting to forget it all. You wanting to rush out of my life even faster than you had broken in._ I had no clue you felt I was ... distant. Shit, Ennis. I mean ... _My heart was breaking too. _Shit.."

"(sigh) Promise me something, Ennis. Promise me we won't wait 20 years anymore to talk about ... you know ... to talk about us. Look what it did, from the very beginning. From now on, something's on your mind, you tell me, Ennis. You. Tell. Me. All right? And I'll do the same. Fuck. I always thought you would freak out if I talked, but it seems well, that you don't, right? At least, not anymore."

Ennis still wasn't looking at him. And suddenly, Jack knew. Knew what he wanted to do now. Knew what he needed to do now. For himself, for Ennis. For them. Enough of the past and his tricks and all the shit. _Enough._ Jack had been wrong when he had thought he wouldn't have to sit in his pick-up for a few days. But Jack couldn't mind. He had no choice anyway. Now was the time. _Now._ He finished putting his clothes on in a frenzy.

"Ennis."

Voice kind of pleading, but his Cowboy still kept focused on the floor.

"What?"

"Just ... checking. You don't have anything planned for the week end, right?"

Ennis just indicated with his head that he hadn't. He had told to Jack last November that he had the girls the last week-end of the month. Jack had known before asking anyway.

"Good. Just ... Come on. There's something I believe you need to see. Something I believe I need you to see too."

His mind now set, Jack couldn't seem to be fast enough as he started packing his bag.

"Just ... grab a few things. Come on. Let's go."

There must have been something in Jack's voice which had told Ennis there was just no way to change his mind now, 'cause his Cowboy just ... resigned himself to whatever may come. He seemed a bit - _a lot_ - scared, but he stood up and opened his closet, protesting more out of habit than because he believed it would change anything in the end.

"Jack. You sure it can't wait. We didn't sleep that much. Don't know what you have in mind, but ..."

"Cowboy. You trust me, right?"

Ennis then finally met his eyes again.

"Of course, Rodeo."

Jack smiled.

"Then stop bickering around. We can take turns driving, if necessary. Just ... let's go for a ride."

With that, he walked out of the room. Ennis sighed loudly but was on his heels not more than a second later.

**ENNIS POV**

They were in Jack's pick-up. Ennis was wondering where Jack was taking them ... To Signal maybe ? They had _never_ been back there after all ... So yeah, probably. It made sense, now. Why not. Something was odd though. Jack had stopped at the first phone booth they had passed. "Just need to check something." Ennis hadn't dare to ask what needed to be checked, or where. Only thing Ennis knew was that whoever Jack had called, it hadn't been long. Not long at all.

Jack suddenly brought his left hand to rub shortly the back of his own neck, and that sight brought Ennis out of his thinking.  
"He, let me drive some. You rode all day yesterday already. Just tell me where you wanna go and ..."  
They arrived at the crossroad. Jack didn't took the road towards Signal. He took the opposite one, towards Casper. That did it. Any time he drove here, Ennis always watched that road and followed it with his gaze for as long as he could. To him, that road wasn't the road to Casper. It was the road beyond it. No matter how far it was, this road ... it was the road to Texas. So now, Ennis was freaking out. His hand moved with a mind of its own and gripped the door handle.  
_What, Del Mar, wanna jump out of a driving car ??!! _  
Ennis tried to breathe, just breathe, but his hand still just refused to move back.  
"Jack. Where the fuck are we going."

"He. We ain't going to Texas ... We ain't going to Texas. Sorry, I should have known ..."  
Ennis's grip on the handle loosened a bit, finally. Jack snorted.  
"Ennis del Mar, stuntman of the year. That would have been something, huh."  
Ennis grunted under his breath.  
"You mean dumbass of the year."  
Jack chuckled, but didn't comment further.

Silence again, for a few beats.  
Then Jack spoke, serious again.  
"Just the two of us, Cowboy ... We're going to Lightning Flat."  
"What?"  
No real panick this time in Ennis's voice. Just disbelief.  
"Just the two of us, Ennis. My folks aren't there. That's why I just called, to be sure. Nobody answered. They're gone for the week-end ... They married on Valentine's Day. Only week-end they ever leave the ranch is the week-end which falls the nearest to it. My Dad has always been a grumpy asshole with me, but not with Mum. At least, not at that time of the year. He always takes her to the place they got married, every year. They used to let me by Uncle Harold's then. My only two-days holidays out of the ranch as a child ..."

Silence again. But not heavy. Then Ennis talked again, and Jack knew he wasn't fighting him.  
"I meant it, you know. Let me drive a bit. Better let me have drive now, it's easy. Just have to follow Bufallo, right? You can drive later, then you won't need to explain to me how to drive."  
Jack stopped first chance he could and they switched place.  
"All right, Cowboy. Just sitting is fine by me. (stretching) Drove enough all week already, you bet. (smirking) Besides, you're making me nervous."  
Ennis realised exactly it means Jack knew well enough that he felt jumpy still. He let it pass though, just smiled at Jack and Jack smiled back.

They drove to Buffalo, mostly in silent except for a few exchanged sentences about little nothings. Ennis kept focused on the road, but could feel that Jack mostly kept looking at him. Ennis realised he could get used to that feeling all right. In Buffalo, they filled the tank, drank hot coffee, bought some junkfood to eat on the way and switched places. Jack's hand moved automatically towards the radio when Jack started the engine, but retreated. Ennis told Jack he didn't mind. Jack turned the radio on, smiling at him and saying as if sharing a secret that he needed the background sound. Felt strange driving too long without it. Then they were back on the road. Jack kept now focused on the road, humming along some catchy tunes and clapping his fingers rythmically on the wheel from time to time, and Ennis realised he could easily get used to just looking at _his_ Jack too.

Three hours later, Ennis was beaten. He felt like a sardine squeezed in its can, and it sure wasn't a nice feeling. It had come at once, about thirty minutes ago. His whole back had started to feel kind of painful suddenly from the constant sitting. And his legs. And his butt. He had shifted in his seat a few times, but it had only seemed to make it worse, so now he was just trying to NOT move one damn muscle. Ennis was finally realising _exactly_ what Jack was ready to go through just to see him for a few days. He had always known it must not be easy, but he hadn't thought it would be _so_ uneasy. So long too. And Jack usually had to drive even longer. And Jack always drove alone ... And once, that damn November day, Jack had driven at least twice as long as usual, and not only with broken bones but with broken dreams, broken heart, and shattered soul.  
_God, Jack._

Ennis brought his left hand upon Jack's right one when Jack had to gear down because they were coming to a crossroad, and squeezed. Jack, never moving his eyes off the road, let his hand on the gear for a while longer even if it wasn't necessary anymore when they got back to the normal speed.  
"Believe me, Ennis. You get used to it pretty quickly. After a few times, you even tend to think "He, I'm already so far" instead of "Shit, I'm only in the middle." It ain't real bad for me anymore."  
_Doesn't make it mean any less though, Bud._  
Ennis just squeezed Jack's hand once more, then let it go. He focused his gaze on the landscape passing-by instead of looking at Jack, and couldn't keep it in.  
"Still ... I'm sorry, Jack."

Ennis was polite. He could say he was sorry if he walked on someone's foot while making the queue at the supermarkt, or if he bumped into old ladies in the street. But when it mattered, when it was important, Ennis normally never said it. "Don't be sorry. Fix it."_ (And if you can't fix it, stand it.)_ That's what his father always used to say, often accompanied with a sharp slap on his cheek. So Ennis had learned quickly to never apologise, but to work to make it all right again. The first time those words had ever left his mouth at a moment which had mattered had been that long ago November day too. Because, for once, no matter how much he had wanted to, he had had no clue about how he could ever repair what he was going to say - what he was going to do. Only other time he had actually said to someone he was sorry had been to Cassie, that day not so long ago now when he had realised that if there was something Ennis del Mar couldn't stand, it was seeing tears he was responsible for in someone's eyes, but tears he couldn't fix. He had realised something else that day too. Jack. Alma. He had a few times seen them both angry. Suffering all right, and because of him all right, but angry, and Ennis could deal with angry good enough. But he had never seen them cry. And he sure as hell never wanted to.

Ennis heard Jack's sharp intake of breath as Jack realised _exactly_ what he was sorry for. He couldn't turn his head to look at him though. A whisper then breaking the silence.  
"It's all right, Ennis. You know I got over it, by the lake, the moment you ... you know."  
And Ennis remembered that if there was something Jack Twist couldn't stand either, it was seeing someone cry too.

It was quite cold, after all it was the heart of winter. But still, Ennis could smell his cold sweat heavy in the air now. And not only his. Jack's too. That surprised him. Jack always smelled kinda fresh, even after hours of driving. Ennis realised just then that Jack probably always made a last stop to freshen up not long before he would arrive. Maybe it was just an habit he had taken for his job - people were surely more ready to listen to a selling talk from a seller which didn't stink, right? Ennis knew though that Jack was doing it for him too. And even if he sure had no problem - no problem AT ALL - with a sweaty smelly Jack (Ennis couldn't help but chuckle to himself), it was kinda nice, kinda sweet, because it was just ... Jack. _His_ Jack.

Jack's voice cut the silence again.  
"We're nearly there now."

About thirty minutes later, they took a side road and stopped in front of a house which had seen better days. The place surely looked deserted, which was fine enough by him. But there was more to it. Maybe it was just because of the winter ... But it felt ... cold. Heartless. Nothing like Jack.

"That's it?"  
Jack stretched.  
"Yep. Welcome to Lightning Flat."  
He glanced at him and grinned.  
"You should like it here all right. Middle of nowhere enough, you bet. (under his breath) End of the world even, if you ask me."

Ennis grinned back, pretending Jack was only joking, but brushed a thumb quickly along Jack's cheek. Then Jack opened his door and got out, grabbing his bag. Ennis took his own bag and followed Jack when he walked to the door, feeling somewhat out of place. Jack sort of held his breath when he turned the key in the lock. Ennis wondered why but didn't ask. Jack turned the light on, it was getting a bit dark already. It didn't really change the atmosphere though. It was just as colorless and lifeless inside as it was outside. It was even worse than his place. There wasn't any picture to see. Ennis wondered again about how Jack had been able to become Jack while growing up around here.

Jack locked the door behind them, threw his belongings on the kitchen table and stood there, unmoving and silent for a while, gaze lost on the stairs. Ennis dropped his bag and got closer.  
"You all right, Rodeo?"  
Before he could reach for him though Jack turned back to him and grinned as he went to unzip Ennis's jacket.  
"I'm fine. Probably feel better than you."

Ennis watched Jack more closely. He knew there was something, though he couldn't put his finger on it. He opened his mouth to ask again if Jack was all right. Jack cut him before the words got out.  
"Come on. Let's take a shower. It's like magic for your back, you'll see."  
Ennis understood Jack wasn't willing to tell more now. He sighed and went along.  
"All right. If you say so."

Jack switched the light off, took his bag and went for the stairs. Ennis took his bag and followed. The old stairs squealed some under their weight, not making Ennis feel better in any way.

Jack was right though. Hot water was making miracles. Jack's fists rubbing and massaging his shoulders and lower back too, you bet. Ennis returned the favor - and some more - moments later. They ended kissing and moaning their exertion away, two of their hands joined around their pretty-much-still-alive-you-bet-even-after-hours-of-driving cocks and moving up and down in that perfect synchronised rythm which was just theirs after years of practice. Then some fresh clothes on, and Ennis felt renewed.

Until he remembered he had no idea why Jack had needed for them to come here suddenly, and he got somewhat tensed again, remembering Jack's words before they left and wondering what he "had to see" and why it was something which Jack "just couldn't tell".  
"Jack ..."  
Jack looked at him and Ennis could see he was nervous too. Then Jack eyed a door and sighed. His voice was soft though as he answered.  
"Yeah ... I guess it's time."  
_Time for what?_  
"Come on."  
A whisper, again. Ennis wondered why Jack kept whispering. There was no one else around, right?

Jack opened the door and they went in. Jack turned the light on. He let Ennis some time to take it all in. His old bedroom, it seemed. Nothing much to it at all. Jack dropped his bag and sat on the bed. Ennis imitated him, again. None of them talked for some time. Then Jack shifted a bit until he could lean against the wall and pointed towards the walk-in closet facing them.  
"Just ... Go take a look in there."  
Ennis eyed Jack. Jack's finger. Jack's closet.  
They had come all over here so that he could get a look in Jack's old closet? Things were getting weirder by the minut. Ennis just sighed though, again.  
"All right."

The moment Ennis stood, Jack jumped on his feet and left the room, pretexting that he was going downstairs to grab something to drink for them. Ennis wondered if Jack was uncomfortable with what Ennis would find in the closet and how he would react, or if he just was giving him some privacy.

Ennis sighed and got in the walk-in closet. Nothing special in here. No hidden box or anything. Just a bunch of clothes. Then he noticed something and couldn't help but smile as he reached for the jacket.  
"He. Never thought you ever wore something else than plain or nearly plain, Rodeo."  
His fingers connected with the thick wool of the clashing red and blue squares patterned jacket and Ennis tried to imagine Jack in it and failed - it was just not fitting.  
Still, Ennis couldn't see anything "special" enough for Jack needing him to see it that bad that they had to leave Riverton so suddenly. So Ennis went deeper in. Then he realised there was a dark tiny space in the back of the closet. He looked closer and ...  
_No way._

Ennis felt his lungs stop functioning and his heart miss a few beats. He felt paralysed. Then, as if in slow motion, his hand moved towards the shirt which was hanging there, mesmerized and shocked and all kinds of feeling mixing and welling up inside him. His fingers closed around a sleeve and slowly, reverently, pulled it out into view. Dried blood met his eyes, confirming what he already knew.  
"Your shirt."  
A whisper. Tender and surprised. But it echoed loud around him.

Ennis grabbed the fabric more firmly, needing more, wanting to reconnect with that summer, 20 years ago. But it felt ... too thick, too heavy. He turned it a bit and ...  
_What the ... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????_  
His own shirt was there too. His own fucking shirt. Tucked inside Jack's one. Realisation of what it meant crashing on him so hard Ennis couldn't breathe.  
_Rodeo ... You ... I ... I just had punched you and ... still ... you took it with you?_

Ennis pulled Jack's sleeve up some, needing more proof that he wasn't seeing things which weren't there, needing some more proof that it was really his damn shirt in here. And of course, it was. There was blood on both shirts. But Ennis realised that it probably wasn't what Jack was seeing when he looked at those shirts. Because, now, Ennis wasn't really seeing it either. Ennis was just seeing _them_. Their meeting. Their first laugh and their first real talk - his own shirt. Their first night - Jack's shirt. Their first kiss. Everything. A whole summer of love and freedom, all of it swirling in his head, until ... Their last evening, when he had completely surrendered his whole being - body, mind and soul - to Jack for the first time. And of course, of course ... That fucking hug. Sweet moments which had been too forcefully soaked in inexplicable but undeniable, utter need to be sweet, but which were sweet nonetheless. One short but devastating, heartwrenching summer, which had seen him both reborn and dying, which had changed him forever. All of it ... in two little shirts.

Back from the past, as if by magic. His own shirt. Tucked inside Jack's one all that time. All that fucking time. And something else now crashed upon Ennis too, letting him amazed and shocked further still.  
_All those years, Bud. You kept them all those years ... Even after ... After '64 ... After my divorce ... After this last Spring ... Shit. I can't believe ... I mean ... You ... Shit ... You kept them, Jack._

Clutching at the shirts, breathing them in, in, in, eyes now full but unable to burst, because it wasn't sad, right, it shouldn't make him sad, at least, not completely. Just one word now coming out of his mouth, again and again. Unable to stop that word to flow over and over, that word which had always been and still was both the question and the answer to his whole fucked-up life.  
"Jack ... Jack ... Jack ..."

**JACK POV**

The moment Ennis got on his feet, Jack just needed to get out. He couldn't stay around. He couldn't watch and hear Ennis discovering this, it was just ... too much, too sacred. Staying didn't feel right, it would only make him feel like a cheap voyeur. He kind of fled out of his bedroom, with the lamest excuse he could think of.

Jack allowed himself to breathe again normally when he reached the kitchen. He filled himself a glass of water first, still not hearing any noise from upstairs and wondering if Ennis was still still-shocked by his exit. Hearing the water running must have been snapping Ennis out of it though, 'cause Jack now heard a few steps. He finished his glass and let it in the sink, decided he should give Ennis about what, 10 minutes, went to look for some whiskey to bring back upstairs, found it, and stayed frozen near the cupboard, leaning against the wall and thinking about it all, knowing that soon Ennis would not only know what Jack had always wanted him to know, but also wouldn't ever be able to deny or doubt any of it.

Jack had always known. Even before Ennis had ever actually been hinting at it more or less obviously. Even when Jack had been too tired and lost to not be doubting about it ... Yes, even then, deep down, Jack had always known.

Ennis was just so completely, utterly, totally repressed ... Jack knew Ennis had never realised before him - and not even before their first night - that he could feel some attraction towards guys. He remembered their talk in the girls' room and smiled -_ Cowboy, really ..._ - just as he had then when Ennis had said he had used to watch him ride on that mare and how he had believed it was just because he needed to reassure himself in the fact that Jack could deal with it good enough, that he wouldn't need to go to Aguirre one day soon to tell him that he had to find another employee for the rest of the summer because Jack Fucking Twist had broken his two legs or worse after a bad fall. Ennis always just took everything as he believed he was supposed to, and never complained further. Jack was sure that, let's put it in a very caricatural - _but still true_ - way, if the norm of things was fucking sheeps, Ennis would do it without any question, and without any problem. So Jack had pushed the door open, taking Ennis by surprise, and Ennis had followed, of course. But Jack knew that making that breach had only turned all the rest in a real damn impregnable fort. Showing to Ennis where the weakness was, so that Ennis could cement it shut and never to break again.

So yeah, Jack had always known that for Ennis, he had been, was and would ever be the only one. Ennis wouldn't allow himself to fall - _to fail_ - another time. And it was infuriating as hell, because, well, no matter what, somewhere, for Ennis, he was that too - a failure. But it was intoxicating too, because, well, no matter how hard Ennis had always fought, he had always been helpless against it. Against him. And _only_ him. And even better, because Ennis was those last months coming slowly to terms with the fact that "this failure" was maybe the best and most meaningfull thing in his fucked-up life. So Jack had finally decided that after all, he could live with being Ennis's only failure all right.

On the other hand, Ennis knew that Jack had been with other men. And he knew too now, since their talk in the girls's room, that Jack had known he was the way he was before Brokeback, before them. So Ennis knew that Jack in his life had probably been wanting other men. Jack had told to Ennis it all couldn't really matter, that it wasn't the same, and he knew Ennis believed it. But words were words. Now, there would be a fact too. And his Cowboy was a man who needed facts. So that would be it, the proof which Ennis would never be able to question or deny. Not ever. His Cowboy would soon _really_ know it too, not only in his head, not only in his heart, but in every fibers of his body and soul.

Jack got back to his senses and realised from what he heard that he should go back upstairs. And indeed, he found Ennis dumbstruck on the floor in his closet, clutching their old shirts, his voice like a broken record, whispering his name over and over and over.

Jack noiselessly got to Ennis and sat down in front of him.  
"He, Cowboy. You all right?"

Ennis seemed to realise only now that Jack was there, and brought his eyes up to meet Jack's ones. Then Ennis held his gaze, looking at him with something in his eyes which Jack knew Ennis normally always tried to rein in : tenderness. Even after twenty years, Jack could count on the fingers of one hand the times he had seen such an amount of it in those brown eyes. It even beat the first time he had ever seen it, that day long ago when Ennis had joked once more about his harmonica playing, on their way back to camp after having sorted the sheeps out for days.  
"Jack ... You took it ...You kept it ..."

Ennis's voice, low and far away, something like amazement too clearly audible in it, even if it was whispered. It hurted. Jack tried to keep it light, wanting to ease somewhat his Cowboy's kind of pain.  
"Well, technically, you left it on the ground. I just picked it up."  
But Ennis couldn't keep it light.  
"Don't."  
And Jack heard the rest, as always.  
_Don't pretend it's nothing. Don't act like belittling what it means. Don't joke. Not about this._

It seemed though that his usual bantering around had snapped Ennis out of his torpor. Ennis finally moved, getting swiftly on his knees just long enough to hang the shirts back up, hooking the hanger on another one so that the shirts were laid upon Jack's other clothes, in full view. Then Ennis went from one extreme to another extreme in less than a second and turned now all urgent and needy on Jack as he couldn't seem to be able to get him close enough, hands gripping and clutching everywhere, squeezing, pushing and groping until they were both sprawled on the closet floor.

"Come here, Rodeo. Come here."  
Ennis now finally kissing him, hardly, deeply, but shortly and frantically, not letting Jack a chance to turn those frenzied kisses into longer ones.  
"Want them to see. Need them to see. Need them to know."  
Jack didn't ask exactly who "they" were ... Just the shirts? Their own ghosts from that lost summer? Probably both were true anyway.

Ennis was pulling desperately at their clothes now, lost in a rush of his own, not letting Jack close his arms anywhere around him, discarding wildly any piece of clothing which was on the way from them being skin to skin, and Jack stopped trying to reach for anything and just went along, 'cause any movement he made to help Ennis get them out of their clothes just seemed to get in his Cowboy's way.  
"Gotta show them, Jack. Need them to know I won't hurt you ever again. Need them to see. Need them to know they weren't hanging here for nothing all that time. Gotta show them. Need them to know they weren't hanging here for nothing all that time."

Then they were finally naked. Ennis was literally eating him up, all over. It felt like Ennis had _at least_ 10 hands and 4 mouths, maybe 5, because he was still talking, repeating it all on a loop between hot kisses and wet licks, down, down, down, then up, up, up, making Jack squirm helplessly under him as he started grinding their lowerbellies together, hard and fast and ... _God, yes, yes, just ... like ... that_. Brown eyes boring into his very soul, clear and focused, unwavering, Ennis holding himself on his elbows to be able to meet his eyes as he kept moving above him, whispering his litany - "Gotta show them, Need them to see, Jack, Need them to know, Jack, Jack, Jack" - over and over, faster and faster, in rythm with the grinding of his hips and the gliding of their cocks.

Jack was now able to touch and kiss his Cowboy everywhere he could reach too, arm, chest, shoulder, neck, until his mouth found Ennis's and finally silenced the flow of words as he plunged his tongue in deep, holding Ennis close, hands locked on the back of his neck, making Ennis moan above him as he spread his own legs wider. But then Jack realised that Ennis wasn't "moving things along" as he would normally already have done by now, and Jack rolled Ennis under him, feeling Ennis shudder in agreement under his fingers and lips, knowing that what Ennis wanted now was to make his point, and knowing that this was probably Ennis's ultimate way to make _that_ point.

Ennis's hands and feets around him, pinning him close, so close, Ennis still frantic, desperate, needy, repeating it all again between kisses, urging Jack on.  
"Yes, come on, Jack. Now. Gotta show them. Have to show them. Come on, come on, come on. Need them to know ... Show them they weren't hanging here for nothing all that time."  
Jack, knowing Ennis wouldn't let him break the skin to skin contact to reach his bag tried to slow things down, but Ennis wouldn't settle for slow this time.  
"Just do it, Jack. Do it now."

"All right."  
The first words Jack was speaking since Ennis had gone literally out of his mind, and that seemed to finally do the trick. So Jack went on, repeating his agreement a few times while wetting his fingers, keeping his voice firm, and Ennis released him enough for him to bring one hand down, and push one, two, three fingers in while licking and nibbling at one nipple.  
"Come on. That's it, Jack."  
"Shh, shh." Stretching Ennis, winning a few seconds more.  
Ennis grunted.  
"Fuck, Jack. Just ... They're waiting."  
"All right."

Spitting in his hand, wetting himself, Ennis's eyes never leaving his own, burning, dazed but still focused as Jack angled his hips. Pushing his way in, Ennis groaning and grunting, urging him on, eyes now lost on their shirts.  
"Yes. Need them to know you're the only one who really know me, the only one I trust so totally, completely, the only one who can reach all of me ..."  
Jack started moving slowly, just a bit in and out, not fully, still letting his Cowboy time to adjust. Ennis's breathing accelerated in kind with his own, until Jack heard : "Holy fuck", and Jack shifted Ennis's hips just a bit and gave it to his Cowboy exactly as hard as he had been asking for.

"Yes. Jack. Yes. But most of all, most of all ... Want them ... to know ... that ... you ... know ..."  
Ennis turning again desperate, hands pressing hard on his butt, slamming him in, deeper, closer.  
"Tell them, Jack. Tell them you know. Tell them you know."  
"I know."  
"Tell them you know."  
"I know."  
"Tell them you know that I ... that I ... that I've always felt it too. Tell them you know that I ..."  
"I know, I know."  
"Tell them you know that I've always, that I ... yes, Jack, yes, there, there, Jack ..."  
"I know, I know, I know."  
"Tell them ... Tell them you know that I ... Love you, Jack."  
Ennis shivering under him, now out of breath, eyes falling shut, spurts of semen hitting and wetting his belly, clenching and squeezing him oh so tight, bringing him over the edge with one last strangled "I know".

Falling fully on top of Ennis, Ennis's last words echoing loud around him. _Love you, Jack. He said it. Love you, Jack._ Slipping out, kissing his shoulder, waiting for a sign from his Cowboy that he could meet his gaze again. After some time - their breathing had by now turned normal again - Ennis's hand tangled in his hair. Jack looked at him. Ennis smiled, seeming amazed and somewhere far, far away - but not far away from him, just far away from the present, from the closet. Then he whispered as if it was a secret, now peaceful and quiet. Satisfied.

"They know."  
Jack kissed him, one very long very sloppy kiss, then smiled back.  
"Oh yes, they know."

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis wasn't really able to explain what had got into him, but he sure didn't regret it. For once, he had felt ... free. His brain had kind of short-circuited, and Ennis hadn't been thinking, hadn't been analysing, hadn't been questioning, hadn't been hearing other's people voices in his head, hadn't been judging what it meant, hadn't even been afraid of the possible consequences. Only thing he had been aware of had been that instinct, be with Jack, and that need, let it all flow. His eyes darted on the shirts somewhere above them, and he thanked them silently, knowing they had brought him to that point, knowing they had pushed those words out of his mouth, finally.

Jack was silent and still now. Ennis guessed that he was probably waiting for his reaction, any reaction, now that the moment had passed. He let one hand run into Jack's thick, soft hair. Jack's eyes met his own and Ennis smiled, feeling at peace, at last.  
"They know."  
Jack kissed him, one very long very sloppy kiss, then smiled back.  
"Oh yes, they know."  
_And you know too._

They kissed again, long and soft.  
_Tell him. You want to. Tell him. _  
"Want you to know ... I never told that to anyone ..."  
"Never?"  
"No."  
Jack hadn't really sounded surprised. He knew him well enough, after all. He knew Jack probably knew what he would say anyway if they were to talk about it. So they just stayed laying in silence side by side, fingers running down an arm or drawing tiny circles on a chest.

Ennis had never told those words to anyone. Not even as a kid. He had loved his mother, his sister, even his brother. He had never told them though. And none of them had ever told him either. Those words maybe just didn't fit in his father's home. Later, he had met Alma, and he had believed she would be his future. He had never told those words to her though. He had planned to give her that gift, those words, for their wedding night. Then Jack had come and gone, and Ennis hadn't been able to tell it to her afterwards. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel true. So when Alma had said it to him for the first time, he had silenced her with a kiss, unable to do more and hoping it would be enough for her. And for years, it had seemed to. Even when the girls got born and that the only thing he had been able to tell her had been "Thank you", even then, it had seemed to be enough.

Then things had changed, Alma had changed, and it hadn't been enough anymore. He knew why of course now, even if they never had talked about it after those few words yelled at each other, that Thanksgiving years ago. He knew too they never had even mentioned it probably just because he was so ashamed that he couldn't bear being around her for long. Usually, he didn't got out of the car when he went to pick the girls, nor when he brought them back, and on the rare occasions he did - if they needed his help carrying things - their eyes never met.

Ennis knew exactly what Jack would tell him if they talked about it - "Jeez, Ennis. You talk sweet to your horses all the time and you couldn't tell anything kind to your wife? That's pretty hard, Cowboy. Even for you ..." or something along that line, you bet - and Ennis was glad that Jack had just let the subject drop. Because Ennis was ashamed too for never having told _anything_ to Alma. Ennis knew that you couldn't live with someone for years and just never feel a thing. Ennis knew he had felt something for Alma. He knew that he had cared. And still did. Which was why he always felt so bad about her. Bad enough he bet for it still being written all over his face each time he thought or spoke about her, even after all those years ... Ennis knew too that there were different kinds of love, and he knew that Jack probably told it to Bobby, and to Lureen. Yes, Lureen. It was after all written all over his face whenever he mentioned her too. It didn't really bother him though, because he knew that Jack had never told him before last November not because he didn't feel it, not because he didn't want to tell it, but just because Ennis didn't want to hear it anyway. And Ennis realised he was glad to be now able to hear it, and able to say it. And no matter what his father was now telling him - that it was making him weak, so fucking weak - Ennis couldn't help but disagree. It felt like it made him strong. Strong enough maybe to be able to talk to Alma too, finally, now that he was strong enough to talk to Jack.

Ennis knew he HAD to talk to Alma anyway. Even if he had never thought about speaking to her about it all before now, he had thought once or twice lately that he should talk to her, happy or not with it, he didn't have a choice. Jack was coming to Riverton. Alma knew about them. He couldn't wait for Alma to see them unprepared, or learn it from the girls one day out of the blue. Even ostrichs had to get their head out of the sand from time to time and breathe or they would choke to death ... He owed it to her to warn her, at least. He owed to her more than a warning too, and maybe, maybe, he would. After all those years, she deserved to know that he had cared, at least. And that he was sorry he hadn't been able to give her more. After all, if he wanted things to move on - and no matter how scared he still got when he thought about it, he wanted things to move on - then he needed to learn to let the past to rest.

Ennis's hand went to run once more in Jack's hair as he spoke.  
"Jack. Guess now we can get out of the closet, huh."  
Jack chuckled shortly, then got up and helped him up too, lending him a hand.

Moments later, they were again sprawled on the floor - the tiny bed was far too small for them both - but more comfortably, in the bedroom now and laying side by side on top of several blankets. Ennis was looking at the shirts, now hanging on Jack's chair, clearly visible in the moonlight. He rolled on his side, up on his elbow, and looked down at Jack.  
"Jack, can I keep them?"  
Jack smiled. Ennis laid back down, eyes now on the ceiling, feeling too foolish to keep looking Jack in the eye.  
"It should be my turn. You took care ... of us ... for so long. I mean ... You know ... All that time, you had to bring me along, kind of kicking and screaming, like a 2 years old. And all that time ..."  
Ennis sighed, gesturing towards the shirts. Jack laughed.  
"Cowboy, I'd be happy without the kicking, but I sure do not mind when you shout."

Ennis chuckled but rolled back towards him, then crawled up on him, mouth just a few inches above Jack's one, smirking and pressing him into the floor.  
"He, I don't shout. You're the noisy one."  
Jack laughed, again. Then he winked at him, kind of agreeing, but kind of retorting too.  
"Usually."  
Ennis rolled his eyes at him but let it pass. He had better things to do with his mouth than chatting around right now. He went to nibble Jack's earlobe while grinding some more against him.  
"So ... Want me to make you shout now? Remind them who is the really noisy one."

Jack's sharp intake of breath was all the answer he needed. And soon Jack was shouting all right, you bet, both of them on their knees as Ennis thrusted in and out just the way he knew would make _his_ Jack shiver helplessly in his arms, holding him from behind against him, one arm around his waist, mouth on his neck and shoulders and his other hand stroking his cock. And Ennis couldn't help but think kind of proudly that Jack _definitely_ was the loudest of the two.

When they were finally able to talk again, Ennis still lying half on top of Jack, Ennis whispered.  
"You didn't answer, you know ..."  
"Of course, Ennis. Of course you can keep them."  
They shifted some, Jack drank some whisky and handed him the bottle, and Ennis took some too, sort of sealing their pact.

It was early in the morning when Ennis awoke, it was still really dark. What surprised him though was that Jack was already awake too. He seemed lost in thoughts, sitting against the side of the bed above them. Ennis whispered "Morning" and sat too next to Jack. He waited. And after some time of course Jack spilled it out.

"You wanna know something strange, Cowboy? For years, I dreamed ... I wanted you here, you know, working the ranch together, telling myself that even my dad wouldn't be able to deny that you're good at it all, bladi bladi bla ... But now that you're here ... it just ... doesn't feel right ... I mean, you know, I used to hate the place anyway, always wanted to get out of here, for so far as I can remember, so it never really made any sense to want to come back here for real to begin with ... Crazy huh ..."

Jack sighed. Ennis realised suddenly the rest which Jack wasn't saying. That Jack had realised that he had dreamed and talked about the ranch perhaps because he had thought that there would be maybe more chances of him getting along with a ranch on the bargain.  
"Jack. You know it wasn't ... You know I never gave a damn about some ranch, right."  
_I ain't cheap. And you sure ain't either._  
Jack sighed, again.  
"I know ..."

(Silence)  
Jack's voice was back to his normal tone when he talked further.  
"Anyway ... Made that dream in my twenties, right. Never really knew a damn about a lot of things by then, so maybe the ranch was about all I could think of because it was all I knew. But since ... My life changed, the dream didn't. Perhaps that's just it. It doesn't fit anymore, you know ... For example, I like my job. Turns out I'm not that bad at it either."  
Ennis poked him in the ribs.  
"Well, that ain't strange. I bet you're great. The ones who won't fall for that Twist charm of yours will end up buying anything anyway just to shut you up."  
Jack pretended to look offended. Ennis smiled and joked further.  
"What? You can be pretty stubborn, you know ..."  
Jack rolled his eyes.  
"Look who's talking ..."  
Then he grinned.  
"At least, I'm only stubborn if something is actually worth the trouble, not for the fun of being stubborn."  
Ennis let his thumb run down his cheek slowly, thanking him silently for never having giving up on him.  
"I know."

(Silence)  
_Go ahead._  
"I'll tell you what ... Find your new dream, Jack, the one that fits now. And then ... you tell me ..."  
Jack was stunned for a few beats. Then the only way Ennis could find to describe it was that his Jack just ... glowed, as he whispered softly, that dreamy smile back on his face.  
"Yeah?"  
Only thing Ennis could answer was "Yeah" too, before Jack attacked his mouth and send them both back rolling on the blankets until he got Ennis on top of him. Last thought in Ennis's mind being that he hadn't seen Jack that silly enthusiastic happy since the first time they had actually talk and that Jack had got whooping and jumping around until he fell on his sweet ass.

When the day broke through, they knew they had to go. Jack put their dirty sheets in the washing machine. They put all the rest back where it belonged. They showered, prepared their bag - Jack handing the shirts to Ennis with a smile and watching as Ennis carefully folded them without getting them off the hanger and laid them as last in his bag. They went to hang the sheets outside to dry. Jack took some money out of his wallet and started scribbling a note for his parents. Ennis took a glass, took some money out of his wallet and put them above Jack's one, keeping everything in place. Jack added the note under the glass and they left.

Ennis drove all the way back to Riverton. They ate quickly, but a solid meal. Ennis told Jack he shouldn't drive too long, late as it already was - Jack normally left in the morning, and it was already past the middle of the afternoon. Jack agreed he would make a break somewhere before Denver, book a room and finish the drive monday morning. Jack went to shower, taking Ennis's hand on his way, and Ennis didn't fight him. Then new clothes on and they were back near Jack's pick-up. One last touch forehead to forehead, one last "You take care", one last kiss, and Jack got back on the road. Ennis decided the moment Jack's pick-up disappeared that it was time after all for him to get a phone.

**MA TWIST POV**

She saw the note the moment she passed the door. Under it were two bills.  
"Hope the week-end went well. I had to come. See you next time. Jack."  
She turned it and saw another line there.  
"PS : Things are changing. Lu and I are getting divorced."  
She saw through the window some sheets hanging. Two persons ones. Far too big for Jack's bed. She wondered. She went upstairs. She smiled. At first sight, nothing seemed changed in her son's bedroom. But the shirts were gone.


	16. Chapter 15

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT**

**CHAPTER 15 : A TALK WHICH SHOULD HAVE TAKEN PLACE YEARS AGO - MARCH 8TH, 1984**

**ENNIS POV**

The day began as any other day. Ennis took a quick breakfast, showered, then opened his closet to take out fresh clothes, and took a minut to look at their old shirts. He had hanged them there, on the inside side of his closet door, after their trip to Lightning Flat. He had hanged them there, but reversed, his shirt now above Jack's one. He hoped Jack wouldn't mind, but it had felt just right to do so, keeping kind of magically _his_ Jack warm and safe in his arms.  
_Dumbass, you know I don't mind..._

Jack's voice in his head. Ennis couldn't help it : he smiled.

Then, as usual, Ennis talked to Jack. Most of the times, it was just a whispered "Morning, Bud" or "Have a nice day, Rodeo" before closing his closet. Today though, something else came out of his mouth.  
"I think I'm ready, Jack. Today, I'm going to talk to Alma".

The shirt as always didn't answer anything back, but Ennis could see Jack's shocked expression nonetheless. Then Ennis couldn't resist this time the urge to touch the blue denim he had been talking to, and reverently, softly, he brushed the collar. Ennis rarely touched those shirts, they just felt too holy. He had Jack's other shirt - the one from January - hanging on his chair to smell and touch and wear while sleeping (or not sleeping) in his bed, whenever he felt like it - which was pretty often (and even more, to be honest). But today, he needed them shirts to give him some more strenght. And, in a crazy way which couldn't be explained but which couldn't be denied, they did.

Ennis closed his closet and went to work. His brows furrowed when he started his pick-up, and he sighed, but there was no way to escape now - he had told Jack, and so he would.

It was Thursday, so he knew Alma would be home - she worked only 3 days a week since Baby Greg got born, just a bit more than a year ago. It was still early in the afternoon, so Monroe would still be at the shop, the girls and Matt would still be at school, and Baby Greg would be napping. But it still took Ennis at least 10 minutes to actually knock at the door.  
_Stop biting your nails, you dumbass, and what's so fucking interesting about the damn doormat, huh ..._

He heard the door being opened, and Alma greeting him with a surprised and simple "Ennis?", and knew he had to get his eyes up. He couldn't hold her gaze though, as usual, and his focus shifted from the spot behind her shoulder to the floor and back.  
"Hi Alma. Is it ok if ... huh ... Do you have a few minutes ?"  
He saw her kind of gasp from the corner of his eyes, but she just opened the door wider as she answered "Sure, come in."

Ennis followed her. He could hear the oven buzzing and smell spices in the air, she was probably cooking. He couldn't help but cringe first as he realised that she was leading him to the kitchen. Last time he had been in there sure wasn't a good memory.  
_But well, after all, it's maybe fitting ...__  
_  
He asked her how Monroe was doing and if everything was fine with the girls and the boys, as she rolled the roast a few times in the mix of spices before putting it in the oven, and she answered shortly to both questions before telling him that he should stop calling Greg "Baby Greg", he was walking now after all. Then she turned back to him, and Ennis felt silent. The silence stretched, making Ennis more and more uncomfortable by the second, but the only thing he could do was looking at the floor, again.

**ALMA POV**

Ennis was here, without a reason to be here, and God knew that was unusual. Since that long gone Thanksgiving and their bitter exchange of angry words which had resolved nothing anyway, her ex-husband had always been pretty good at avoiding her. She tried from time to time to talk to him, on the rare occasions he would actually get to the frontdoor when he came to take the girls or bring them back. But it seemed the only thing they were able to talk about were the girls. And to tell the truth, maybe they were the only thing they had ever been able to talk about ...

She took a good look at him. His head was bowed down and he was biting his nails, but she saw it nonetheless.

During their marriage, she had regularly seen him lost in thoughts - thoughts he had never shared with her. She had often seen him tired, she had often seen him angry - most of the times at himself, and she had seen him mad more times than she had wanted to. She had also sometimes seen him proud - of the girls mostly, she had sometimes seen him smile, and she had a few times seen him happy - though she had realised later on that it had been more content or peaceful than happy, right that day ... That day that had changed everything, that day when she had seen him kissing _him_ - that man she hadn't even known existed before a few lines on a postcard - kissing _him_ like he had never kissed her. And that next morning, when he had come back from "the pub" not tired and all clean and smelling soapy fresh instead of cigarettes - which had just been shouting at her face how much he hadn't been in a pub at all, that next morning when even the possibility of losing his job had seemed meaningless to him, that next morning when she had seen him run - and Ennis never ran - away from her and back to him ... That day when she had realised that she was seeing him _truly_ happy for the first time, and that it had _nothing_ to do with her.

But she had never seen him empty, just empty, before that evening years ago, when he had come to share a meal for what had turned out to be the first and the last time, that evening she had told the girls to insist about until he would accept her invitation - after all, it had been Thanksgiving. It hadn't been visible for anyone else, and he had of course tried to hide it, as he always did - he had even joked several times with the girls, but she still had known him enough to see through his disguise, right the moment she had opened the door and seen him flanked by both their daughters, unaware of the sharp contrast they were making with him, smiling proudly at her from the success of their mission while playfully dragging him inside by the hands.

And she had known why he had this lost look ... She knew _he_ had come, right after the divorce. Jenny had asked her that day, "if she knew that very handsome friend of Dad who she had never met before. Jack. The one with the really dark hair and the really big blue eyes and the even bigger smile. 'Cause he hadn't stayed long and Dad had looked really sad all day after he'd left." She had answered as best as she had been able to - that she knew him, and that Dad had been so sad because his friend had come to say goodbye because he was moving far, far away. But she had been able to guess all right why _he_ had come. And why _he_ had gone away too ... And that was why she had asked him, months later, that evening, if they were still seeing each other. She had been so sure it was all over. And she had wanted to rub his nose in it, get back at him for daring to even hint that she was the one to blame for their marriage falling apart, while he damn well knew he was the one responsible for it ... His answer hadn't been though what she had expected, and that had only made her mad. Which had made him mad too in return. Madder than she had ever seen him.

So since that evening, she had never mentioned anything about it.  
Not even while she had known that he had something with that waitress going on (working at a grocery store, you heard a lot about a lot of things) but that he still had that haunted look, and that she had known why, of course - that poor woman just wasn't the one either ... She still remembered she had even felt kind of proud of him when she had heard it was over a few months later.  
And not even the last time she had seen him, when he had brought the girls back from a camping week-end months ago, and that he had been a broken shell, and nothing more, and that she had realised that by now the girls could see it too - the moment he had left, their fake huge smiles had disappeared and they had gone right away to their room without eating, pretending they were too tired. She had nearly run out to seek him out then, because if it was affecting the girls ... But of course, she hadn't. She was supposed to hate him, right?

At first, she had blamed _him_ for it all. After all, Ennis surely never had had problems with sharing her bed, and still had none, and even if suddenly she had realised that day why _that_ had happened more or less often through the years, it happened less and less as time went by. So yes, Evil Jack was responsible for corrupting her husband and snatching him away from her with his sharp claws. The monster in a fairy tale - even his name fitted in that plot : Jack, the Gripper. It had been easy to hate _him_. But then soon there had been two monsters, and no fairy tale anymore, as she had decided that Ennis should be the one to blame the most - after all, he lied to her, every day, and he kept answering to each damn postcard, right the day they came in. So yes, Ennis was the one she should hate.

So since that evening, she had always been able to see just how empty he looked, and she had kept telling herself each time that she should be glad if he was nothing but miserable. But no matter how hard she always wanted not to care, she just always did. Despite it all, in a place deep inside her which she didn't wanted to exist but which she couldn't deny existed, she still loved him - always had, and probably always would, nothing could be done against it.

So today, she could easily see it. Ennis looked ... changed. It wasn't much, as always with him, and you had to know him well enough to see it, but he held himself just a bit more straight, as if the weight which always was on his shoulder had been lifted. And he didn't look empty anymore ... not one bit. She couldn't decide if the fact that he didn't look as miserable as usual made her angry or glad for him. But she knew she was glad about the most telltale fact of all that changing, the fact that Ennis was here _to talk_. Finally. He wanted them to talk. About it. About _him_.

For years, she hadn't been able to decide what was hurting her the most : the fact that he was cheating on her, the fact that he was doing it with _him_ - a man, the fact that he didn't seem to notice or care about how much she was hurting, the fact that he apparently believed that she had no clue about it all, the fact that he never looked as happy as when the time came to leave to the mountains, the fact that he never talked to her about anything that really mattered ... Then some words had been said, and some written words from the past had suddenly become full of meaning, and she had realised that the worst of all was the fact that maybe from the start it had all been a joke, and that in the best case scenario, she had been there only to grant him kids and take care of the house. She didn't want it to be the truth, but she couldn't help but wonder ... It just fitted. So yes, that was what had hurted her the most. And what hurted her still.

So now, if Ennis wanted to talk, finally, then she wanted to know the truth, at last. She wasn't sure about how much she could take, but she wanted to test her limits anyway ...

She waited some, but still nothing was coming out of his mouth. Then she felt tired of waiting, and sighed, her gaze everywhere but on him as she knew she was going to test his limits too once more - and the first time hadn't gone that well at all - and right now.

"Ennis. I thought you wanted to talk."  
"Huh huh."  
He looked uncomfortable enough. He didn't look pissed though, so she knew she was right and pushed him some more.  
"So ..."

**ENNIS POV**

Alma was waiting patiently for him to speak, arms crossed, looking at him with something he couldn't decipher in her eyes while she leant back against the counter. She was urging him on, but she was calm. Nothing like the angry woman (which she had had every rights to be) he had faced years ago in this kitchen. Ennis bit his thumbnail one last time.  
"Well ... huh ..."

He stopped again, trying to find the right words, and the right way to order them. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, finally. So many, he didn't know where or how to start. He could hear her shifting on her feet as she waited some more, still not hostile, but nervous, and he knew he HAD to end the silence. He met her gaze, and just breathed out the first thing that came to his mind.

"I'm sorry, Alma."  
_Well, that's a begin, right? _  
"I'm sorry ... For everything ... you know ... And for never telling you I was sorry before now."

He realised only when he saw her move her hand that her eyes were ready to burst. She automatically brought her left hand to her mouth, and he felt like he should comfort her. But she held her other hand up, and he understood she didn't want him to come closer. After all, he wasn't the one supposed to be able to comfort her anymore. Then shame came down on him as he realised that maybe, he never had been. He averted his eyes, wondering if he should leave, even if he wasn't done at all here, because maybe she wasn't ready to hear more for now ... But then he heard her clear her throat, and her voice was firm when she talked again.

"Why did you ever marry me then, Ennis, if you knew ..."  
That was it then. They were going to talk. Not to fight, to talk. And he owed her the truth, finally.

"I didn't know when I proposed, Alma ... I really thought, you know ... I really did. It's only that summer, when I met ... (He lowered his gaze and stopped himself, for her sake, not wanting to see the hurt in her eyes if she was to hear him speak his name, knowing all too well that she wouldn't miss what his voice always betrayed whenever he said it). But we had a fight our last day together up there, and I truly believed I'd never see him again. Other guys were still just guys ... So ... I thought there was really no reason to break my promise to you ... You had always been so kind to me, Alma ... No one had for years, no one since Shannon had got married and left. I never ... (sigh) I DO know I did, eventually, but ... (finally finding the strength to meet her gaze again) I never wanted to hurt you, Alma. Never."

He could see that she looked kinda surprised, her mouth making a perfect O. Then she whispered, probably more to herself than to him.  
"You cared."

Ennis suddenly understood what those two words exactly meant, his own harsh voice from that night echoing around him : "If you don't want no more of my kids... I'll be happy to leave you alone." Then, before he realised what he was doing, he was taking her in his arms, relief flooding all over him as this time she allowed him to do so.  
"God, Alma, of course I cared. Of course I cared ..."

He could hear her ragged breath as she was trying to get a grip on herself, and he held her closer.  
"It's not what I meant, Alma. That night ... you know, me and words ... I was there making love to you. To you. I knew you were unhappy with me, 'cause i hadn't wanted to go to that goddamned stupid party, and I was sort of making it up to you ... _Jeez, I just even had been ... _And then it felt like you were sending me some ultimatum or something. If the time wasn't best, you normally just asked me to "be careful", you never mentioned ... _bills and why I should take another job, one I shouldn't leave three times a year. You brought him up between us while I was trying just to be with you, and ... _(sigh) Of course I cared, Alma. Always did. Still do too, Alma. Still do. (squeezing her closer) Come here. Come here."

Then he heard her make a noise he never had heard from her. She kinda squealed, low and long, like a wounded animal, hiccoughing "You stopped telling me that when ...", and started to sob in his arms.  
_Beat me. _

He had never realised it, but it was true. He had never told her those words, nor hugged her, after that morning when he had kissed her goodbye before their first fishing trip. She had moved backwards while he had been hugging the girls goodbye when he had left for their next trip, so he hadn't hugged her then, and never had afterwards. Alma used to turn bitter each time he left, but he had always thought she was probably pissed about the fact that they would miss a huge part of his salaris, or maybe jealous about the fact that he never took days off for them ... He had never really given it a second thought, not even after he had learned the true reason why she had turned bitter. But now ... So he whispered over and over the only thing he could while holding her tight, "I'm sorry", as he rocked her gently, the way he used to rock the girls when they were young. And after some time, she finally calmed down.

Then she moved out of his arms until she leant again against the counter. She wiped her eyes and smiled tiredly at him.  
"You know, all those years, I could never understand ... You were always so ... (sigh) Ennis, making love shouldn't be an apology."  
He blushed and looked down again, feeling chastised like a kid caught his hands in the cookie jar. She probably didn't really notice, 'cause she just went on, half thinking aloud, half whispering to him.  
"That can't be the only thing though. What about ... You know, those first years, it seemed that ... you could never get enough of me."

By now they were both blushing, though for different reasons.  
"I need to know, Ennis."  
So he had to tell her. He mumbled it out.  
"I thought ... if I did it enough ... then ... one day ... it would feel the same."  
There was a long silence, and he wondered if she had misunderstood what he had been trying to put in words - that it wasn't something he only did to him or for him, but that it was something he always did with him. He realised though that she hadn't when she just asked, whispering softly for a confirmation of what she already guessed to be the truth :  
"It never did ... Not even when ..."  
And the only things he could do was looking at her in the eyes again and silently answering twice "No" with his head.

**ALMA POV**

She hadn't been able to fight it. The moment she had realised her worst fear to be untrue, her walls of hurt and anger had been undermined, and like a dam breaking free, a mixture of relief and regrets had been unleashed, and she had finally cried the tears she had tried so hard not to shed, for all those years.

She was done crying now. And a lot of things were getting clear, at last. She sighed. At least she knew how hard he had tried, in his own way. Each piece of the puzzle she had built through the years was shifting place, showing her slowly a totally different picture now than the one she had first seen.

"So ... That summer of '63, right?"  
Ennis still couldn't speak, he just nodded.  
_Twenty years and a half ... Twenty years and a half ..._  
It couldn't NOT mean something.

She sighed.  
"I knew something was off. I couldn't put my finger on it, but ... You had changed. God knows you never talked that much, but if possible, you started talking even less ... (pause) You really believed you'd never meet again?"  
Again, he just nodded.

_This letter is long overdue ..._  
She had always found that opening line a bit odd. Then, later, she had wondered if Ennis had written first - it fitted in her plot, and it was something more to blame him for, to try to hate him for. But now, she understood it just had been ... a misunderstanding. And when _he_ had realised it, he had come back, of course, and Ennis hadn't been able to rein himself, of course. After all, love just couldn't be tamed, she knew that well enough too. For years, she had wanted to hate him. And she had tried, really. But now that she knew that he had felt something and that he still did ... that he had loved her, the only way he could in the end, and that he still did ... she couldn't make herself want to hate him anymore.

She squeezed his arm. He lowered his eyes.  
"But he came back."  
She had meant to say his name, really, but she hadn't been able to get it out. After all, since that doomed day of '67, none of them had ever mentioned that name in front of the other again. Only exception had been that Thanksgiving, and it hadn't gone that well at all. Maybe it was that she still couldn't tell it, maybe it was just that old habits were hard to die, maybe it was a mix of the two. But it didn't really matter, she knew he heard it anyway. Just like she could hear the wonder clearly in his voice, even if he was only whispering, and even if he wasn't saying his name, when he simply repeated her words.  
"Yeah, he came back."

Then Ennis smiled. She knew she wasn't supposed to have seen it - after all, he was looking at his feet. But she had, and suddenly, she realised something : it hadn't made her as angry as it had used to. Maybe because she believed he hadn't been smiling enough for a long time. Maybe because in a way she had got over it. Maybe a mix of the two. Once more, it was hard to tell.

But then everything just clicked into the right place, and she felt dizzy with it all. She gasped.  
"You kissed him in the staircase, right?"  
Even if she still believed Jack had been the one making the first move "up there", it made perfect sense if Ennis had been the one taking the lead that day in '67. She realised he hadn't seen that one coming at all. His eyes got at least five times bigger - and that meant a lot for a man who lived with his eyes three-quarter shut all the time.  
"What !!!!!!!!!?????????"  
She sighed.  
"I came out to introduce myself, and you were ... _both so all over each other that I knew you hadn't noticed the door squealing open or banging shut_. I knew, Ennis, right from that very first day."

He just blinked, twice, frozen on the spot, but this time, unlike that Thansgiving years ago, there was no panick nor anger on his features, only shock and disbelief.  
"God, Alma ... How could you ... You never said ... All those years ... You stayed ... How could you ..."  
He was overwhelmed by questions of his own and looked like he had forgotten her first question for sure. She wasn't interested in explaining herself though, at least not now. She already knew the answers to those questions, so the only one she needed was his to give, not hers.  
"It was you, right? ... You kissed him."

Then he blushed, lowered his head even more, and nodded once more. She didn't expect more from him. But he surprised her - he actually answered.  
"Yeah. It was me ... (meeting her gaze) Don't blame Jack, Alma. It was me."

The fact that Ennis was not only admitting the truth but also hadn't been able NOT to speak _his_ name as he had stood up for _him_, while in his mind those three things even taken apart probably meant facing her rage, worked like the last proof she needed.

After all, no one ever chose when to fall in love, nor with whom. It just happened. So if Ennis was in love, had always been in love, with him, and not with her, she couldn't blame him for it. She still could blame him for a lot of things, which all came down to him never telling her, but nothing more. And the girls loved their father. And no matter what, he was a good father, so she just couldn't be mad at him for everything. She loved the girls, no doubt about that, as who they had been, as who they were now, and as who they will be, and the girls wouldn't have been the same girls without him, and she didn't mean it only genetically. So after all, maybe the girls had been worth it all ... And she had a new life, a life she was happy with. She had realised soon enough that Monroe was a better fit for her than Ennis had ever been - and ever could be, of course. Ennis had been her shiny night. Her girly dream. Her first. She'll never stop loving him, in a way, no matter what. But Monroe, he was not just a dream. And he talked to her. Not only about daily things. They talked about stuff, stuff that mattered. So it was maybe not what she had dreamt for as a little girl every day, but it was _real_. Monroe was real. And she would never have had Monroe if Ennis hadn't been ... just as he was. So, in the end ... Her world had crashed upon her 16 years ago. She had suffered in silence for 8 years. They were now divorced for 8 years too, and in that time, she had rebuild her life, while he had just looked like he had none at all. So, in the end ... Maybe it had been long enough for his penance. If she was happy with her life now, maybe then so should he be, after all.

She tapped her fingers a few times on the counter, then she met his gaze, and took the plunge.  
"Why now, Ennis? Things are changing, ain't they?"

**ENNIS POV**

Her reaction was not at all what he had been expecting. She was still calm, and she was smiling at him, her sweet caring smile, the one he had believed he would never get to see again. He realised too that she still knew him well enough. That was after all the reason why he was here now, indeed.  
"Huh huh ... (unable to resist the urge to take a good look at the floor) He's coming over about once a month. I ... I gave him a key. (forcing his eyes upwards again) Thought I ... owed you a warning, at least ..."

Silence, again, as she held his gaze.  
"Well, thanks then. It really means a lot that you thought that."  
And he could see that she meant it. He was stunned.  
"You ... That's it?"  
She just sighed. A deep long sigh.  
"It's been years, Ennis. And I know the difference now ... Monroe and me ... It's real. More real than we have ever been. Anyway ... The girls are getting older. Soon they will have their own lifes, maybe out of here too ... Look at Junior, one day soon she's going to introduce her Kurt to us, I just feel it. So ... Maybe it's time for you to think about your life. Yours."

He still didn't know what to say. He had prepared himself for a lot of different scenarios, but not for her burying the hatchet. How do you tell to people that they are just totally amazing? He just smiled at her, coughing some and knowing he was blushing again as he repeated her words.  
"Maybe huh ..."  
She smiled back, and they exchanged the longest glance they had in ... forever. Apologies. Undestanding. Awe. Acceptance. Love. Yeah, maybe not the right kind there should be between them, but still love nonetheless.

She ended the silent exchange and started talking again.  
"There's something more though ... I guess you want the girls to really meet him, one day ... So the thing is ... I wanna meet him first. After all, we both know that Texans do drink coffee, right?"  
He wasn't sure if that really was a good idea.  
"Alma ..."  
She cut him, waving her finger in front of him.  
"Oh no, Ennis Del Mar. Don't think you can "Alma" me out of this. You promise me, here and now. Next time he's around."  
She lifted one eyebrow, sure of herself and expecting him to surrender without further fighting, for once.  
He sighed, then nodded.  
She nodded back.  
"Good. (pause) And one last thing, and it's not a request either : I'm telling Monroe."  
He was surprised, again.  
"You mean he doesn't ..."  
"It was your secret, Ennis, not mine. But if it's not gonna be a top secret anymore, then ..."  
He couldn't speak, again. He just nodded.  
She nodded back, once more.  
"Fine. Thanks."

Then she changed subject, and Ennis couldn't help but feel relieved. She hadn't asked for more that what she had right to. He would have told her probably anything she would have wanted to know, but he was glad that what was really private and concerned only him and Jack was still private and only him and Jack's. Still nobody's business but theirs.

They started talking about Jenny and school, and about Junior and her final exams coming soon. It was strange. Talking with her was easier, now that everything has been set straight, and Ennis couldn't help but want to slap himself for not having done it all a long time ago.

Baby Greg - _just Greg_ - awoke, and Ennis kept him busy, playing with him while Alma finished her cooking. Matt and the girls came home. Ennis thought he had never seen that much puzzlement on his girls' face than the moment they saw both their parents chatting around as if there hadn't been years of nearly total lack of communication between them. Then, as usual, Jenny hugged him, "Hi Daddy", and Junior kissed him on both his cheeks. Matt gave him a hand, and Ennis told him he had been growing up at least 10cm since the last time he had seen him. Matt kind of beamed.

When some time later Ennis left, for the first time while leaving this house, he was smiling. He had a lot of things to tell to Jack, you bet. And even if for now all the telling would be done to a shirt hanging in his closet, Ennis couldn't wait.

**MONROE POV**

Monroe had got his shirt really dirty while cleaning some accident which had taken place in the condiments' aisle, and had gone home to change quickly - after all, the shop was really close to their home. He smiled, thinking while opening the door about Alma's laugh when she would see him red-stained all over, but the smile suddenly disappeared from his lips as he froze. Alma was crying. Someone was talking sweet nonsense to calm her down, and he could tell without any doubt exactly who that someone was.

Ennis del Mar. Damn him. Even after all those years, he still affected her like no one else could, it seemed, not even him. Not that he wanted to make Alma cry, of course, but still, Monroe couldn't help but feel jealous. Those two ... they had been married for 12 years. He had always known something wasn't right between them - Alma had sometimes a look on her face when she came in for work, like she had just been crying or something ... She had never told him anything though by then, and she still hadn't told him that much about them since they were married. And he had never been able to forget her soft sad expression while she had been unable not to look at him during that Thanksgiving dinner long ago (why had he agreed with her inviting him to start with, he still wondered) nor her enraged but full of hurt yelling at him later on that evening, nor her pleading eyes - _don't ask me, just don't ask me_ - from the moment he had found her dry-but-still-red-eyed in the kitchen to the moment they had switched off the light and crawled into bed ... And now, more than 6 years later, he was once more making her cry. Damn him.

Alma wasn't crying anymore though. He could hear them now both whispering, but couldn't make the words out. He couldn't stop himself, he moved closer. She was HIS wife now after all ... He had no clue who they were talking about. Someone had come back, it seemed. So what? Why would Alma cry for ... Then he heard something and nearly tripped over his own left foot - _You kissed him in the stairs ???!!!???_ - happy that any noise he could have made had been hidden by Ennis's surprised shout.

That was it then. The pain and concern in her gaze when she heard his name that he had never been able to understand. The answer to all the questions he had never really been allowed to ask and which he then just hadn't asked, maybe because he had been afraid of the answer ... Ennis del Mar was ... had always been ... with ... with ... Jack ... a man ???!!!??? He had never considered that as the answer to it all, you bet. So curiosity took over, and he couldn't not listen some more. Until he heard Alma's soft voice talking about them - _I know the difference now ... Monroe and me ... It's real. More real than we have ever been_ - and suddenly, he realised that he shouldn't be jealous of him anymore. He was her second, all right. But that didn't have to make him automatically second best. So he finally decided his place wasn't here spying on them and left as silently as he had came in. He could just keep his jacket on until closing time, after all.

**ENNIS POV**

The next day, Ennis found an envelop in his mail. He opened it and found a big red fish looking at him. He turned it over, grinning already like a fool, and yeah, his grin got even bigger when he was done reading the few words written there.  
"April Fool's week-end. Fitting, don't you think ?" (AN*)

*** Author's note : **

Sorry, just indulge me here :) I know that's something Ennis and Jack probably wouldn't know, but as a French, I just couldn't stop myself here !!!! :) In France, the first day of April (which really fell on a Sunday in 1984 :)) is called "Poisson d'Avril" or "April Fish." (An April fish is a young fish and thus, one which is easily caught.) Any kind of April Fool's prank can be called an April Fish, but originally it consists in the attempt to attach a piece of paper cut in the shape of a fish onto someone's back, without that person noticing. Yeah, I know, we're silly people :)

I know my Alma may seem quite A LOT compassionate. Just remember that she is happy now, so she can't regret the past as much, if that makes any sense. Anyway, both my grown-up girls are amazing, I can't have them any other way, so ... Just deal with it :)


	17. Chapter 16

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT**

**CHAPTER 16 : APRIL'S FOOL WEEK END, 1984 : SURPRISES**

**ENNIS POV**

It was a Thursday which went by just as any Thursday, except it was the Thursday before the Friday when Jack would come over for the week-end, and that made a huge difference - the damn day just didn't seem to end.

Then, Thanks God, the evening was here and he was back home. Ennis had been shopping the day before, so the cupboards and the fridge were full enough for them not needing to leave the house for a few weeks - so it should be enough for the week-end, right. Next duty on his mental checklist was then cleaning the house some, and he did. Then he ate some, and decided to call it a night. It was around 8 PM, so even for him, it wasn't late, but he hoped going to bed already would somewhat magically make the damn day shorter. And on the practical side, it couldn't be wrong either ... After all, he intended to sleep as little as possible for the coming days, right?

He got in the shower, saw his usual soap waiting for him on its shelf, and knew it wouldn't do for tonight. He opened a drawer, saw the bottle in there and just didn't want to resist its call.

He hadn't been looking for it but had found it anyway a few weeks ago while shopping. He had seen it briefly the last time Jack had been here, and he would have recognised that bottle anywhere, you bet. And here it had been, among a lot of others of those new bottles, just the right form and the right shade of blue suddenly attracting his eyes, and as he had got closer enough to see it, the damn right name written on it too. Jack's new shower soap. He had bought it, of course, how could he have not?

He didn't indulge to it in the week-ends, only on working days, and only in the evening. It wasn't really that it actually bothered him if someone was eventually to notice that he had been using another soap than his usual - after all, who would care about which soap he wanted to use, huh ... The thing was simply that that particular smell was just something he really _didn't_ want to share with anyone else. It was Jack.

Ennis went under the hot stream and relished its working for awhile, then turned it out. He couldn't help but sigh some and flash his eyes briefly upwards as he took the bottle in his hand. "Force of the wave". Jeez, where the hell were those stupid fancy names coming from, huh ... It was just a sea scented soap, for Christ's sake, why did it have to pretend to be some sort of (by the way pretty bad) poetry, huh ...

Then Ennis got it open, and its name didn't matter anymore. The only thing that mattered was that it smelled like Jack. Ennis breathed it in, just once, but deeply, trying to fill not only his lungs but his whole body with it, eyes closed. Then he washed himself up, soapy hands taking their time rubbing everywhere, wanting the scent to get literally _under_ his skin, eyes closing again after awhile to be able not only to smell Jack but to see him too right here with him in the shower, until the world shifted enough and it wasn't his hand anymore on his body, but Jack's, up and down and up and down, and Ennis moaned as his release took over.

Then Ennis rinsed himself quickly, brushed his teeth and went upstairs. Making his new ritual complete with his old habit, he put on Jack's shirt, the one which he always kept on his chair at armlenght from the bed, and went to bed. He took a look at the framed postcard on his nightstand and smiled while murmuring "See you tomorrow, Bud" as he turned the light off.

He laid down, flat on his back, one arm thrown across his eyes, his wrist so close to his nose that he could nearly taste Jack's soap instead of smelling it, relishing the feeling of Jack's shirt, secure, tight around him, everything more satisfying than usual, with the knowledge that soon, soon, he would have more than only Jack's scent and Jack's shirt as company.

_One day. Just one more day._

Ennis was asleep in no time.

**JACK POV**

It was nearly 11 PM when Jack parked his pick-up next Ennis's one. He hadn't intended to arrive that late, but his last appointment had turned out far longer than he had thought - which was good, 'cause he had a nice new big contract which would make Lureen squeal in delight, but which was not good, 'cause he needed to talk some to Ennis to avoid any cataclysmic consequences about his appointment for the next day.

Ennis was already asleep - not one tiny light was coming from the house. Not that it was odd - Ennis wasn't expecting him before tomorrow evening anyway, and for someone like his Cowboy who needed to get up before 5 AM on a daily basis, 11 PM must feel like 2 or 3 AM for someone else - but Jack would have preferred to be here sooner....

Jack got his key into the lock and couldn't help but smile as it sank in easily. His Cowboy had really taken the habit to let his key half in, so that Jack would always be able to get in, even if they had agreed on the dates. Entering the house of a sleeping Ennis felt somewhat strange though - Jack missed the thrill of Ennis waiting for him, rushing to him, of Ennis greeting him.

Jack took off his shoes and got silently upstairs, the darkness not bothering him too much because he _knew_ the house good enough by now, wondering if he should awake Ennis or not ... His Cowboy worked hard and needed the sleep, and having a surprised Ennis awaking him tomorrow morning wouldn't be bad, you bet ... But on the other hand, he knew too that Ennis if given a choice probably would want him to awake him right now, huh, so ...

His breath caught in his throat when he reached the bedroom ... Ennis was deep asleep, and that in itself was always both fascinating and breathtaking - Ennis, totally peaceful, something rare and precious. But this time there was something more ... Ennis was sleeping _in his shirt_. Jack had guessed that some while ago, but actually _seeing_ it ... It was kinda sweet ... and pretty hot, oh yeah ...

Jack wasn't sure if Ennis would be glad to be caught on this one now, but that applied too to tomorrow morning, so ... He dropped his belongings in the usual corner, took the lube out and placed it near the bed, stripped quickly and crawled on all fours on the bed slowly up Ennis's sleeping form until he found an open spot to nuzzle by Ennis's ear, murmuring soflty "Hey, Cowboy. Got a surprise for you."

And then it him. Ennis was not only wearing his shirt, he was also wearing _his scent_. That was more than sweet, that was damn right cute ... And in a kind of animalistic way which Jack wasn't used to experience but which Jack couldn't deny was zinging now right to his already hard cock, that felt *#$%^!#$%!!! beyond hot, and _just_ soooooo right, you bet. _His_. Ennis was _his_.

Jack's murmuring turned a bit louder, and the nuzzling turned into lazy sucking as Ennis started to stir awake, happy surprise and puzzlement at Jack being already here mixed in his still half asleep voice.  
"Mmm ... Jack?!? ..."  
"Yeah. Shhhhhh ... Later."

Jack's mouth travelled along Ennis's jaw and started sucking on his lower lip, Ennis apparently agreeing about unsaid questions left unanswered for now as his arms snaked around his back then moved up his sides, until his hands were tangled in his hair. And then a fully awake and without any doubt hardening fast Ennis started _kissing him_ - not accepting his kiss, not kissing back, but kissing him - and as usual, the rest of the world dissolved around Jack ...

Ennis could be tender, gently brushing their forehead together, softly nuzzling his neck. Ennis could tease him to no end, licking and sucking and biting at any inch of his flesh if he felt like it. And Ennis could play along with Jack's mood anytime he let the reins in Jack's hands. But unlike Jack, who could play sweet _or_ passionate, Ennis only knew one way to kiss him. Jack was sure Ennis could kiss anyone else softly, but not him. And he was more than all right with it ...

Ennis, kissing him. Lips and tongue and hands letting him no way to escape (not that Jack wanted one anyway). Hard and fierce, desperate and raw, like a starved wolf falling on his prey, possessive - screaming "You're mine", yet sweet - whispering "I'm yours" underneath, because it was hungry, but it was needy, oh yes, so needy. Ennis, kissing him. Addictive. Satisfying yet making him burn for more, always more. Ennis, kissing him. Powerful, working his trick, making him swell as much as making him loose. Ennis, kissing him. Both pure and obscene, so much like Ennis fucking him. Beautiful, anytime, anyhow, anyway. Ennis, kissing him. **(*AN 9)**

Jack moaned, as he always moaned when Ennis took control of a kiss, and Ennis moved to rol them over. Jack though had for now something else in mind and stopped him, bringing his arms above his head instead.  
"I woke you up, I'll work. You just rest and enjoy."  
"Enjoy huh ... Guess I can trust you with that, Rodeo."  
Jack catched a glimpse of a half smile as he brought their mouths together again.

After some time, Jack started unbuttoning_ his_ shirt (kind of in a reverse way in comparison to the usual, which felt a bit odd but _really_ sexy), slowly, lips and tongue following right after his fingers down the new open path across Ennis's chest, until there was no button left to open and Jack's tongue was playing with Ennis's bellybutton.

Ennis's breathing was turning pretty ragged. His Cowboy was truly the silent type, and any noise which he couldn't help making always felt like a little victory ... So that breathing, oh yeah, God, Ennis's accelerating breathing ... That in itself spoke volumes, if you knew how to listen, and Jack surely did, you bet ...

Jack's hands spread the fabric wide open in one swift swoop, allowing his mouth to explore so much more skin, which everywhere smelled and tasted sort of like his own (but in such a glorious way), and Jack worked his way back up until he found a nipple, making Ennis gasp "Jack" once, feeling the echo of it work its magic through his nerves - eliciting a few gasps or moans or low rumbles or grunts from Ennis always turned Jack on far more than any actual word could probably do.

When Jack licked a trail down his left side, Ennis moved some to allow Jack to take the shirt off him. Jack just worked his way with his nose to find some more skin without having to actually remove the shirt. As far as he was concerned, Ennis could keep _his_ shirt on forever.

**ENNIS POV**

"You should wear plain more often. It suits you."

The only explanation Jack gave against his heated skin. Nothing about the fact that it was his own shirt, nor about the fact that he was drenched in his new soap. As if he hadn't noticed either. As always, _his _Jack, playing dumb for his sake. It would have been easy to let it at that.

But Ennis this time wasn't sort of ashamed about being caught being a romantic fool. Not one bit. On the contrary even, he felt _proud_. Proud that he wore that scent, proud that he wore that shirt, proud that Jack had given him that shirt to begin with, proud about the fact that him wearing that shirt and smelling that way apparently turned Jack _that_ mad ... Oh yeah, Ennis was proud, and wanted Jack to know it.

"No. But you suit me."

Jack actually shivered at the words, and one hot whisper - "Ennis" - reached his ears. "Ennis." Jack always seemed to HAVE to say his name, over and over. And for that too, Ennis felt proud ... and so much more. _His_. Jack was _his_.

Then Jack's mouth moved quickly without further ado to where Ennis yearned for it the most by now, and Ennis decided again that there was really nothing wrong about being a romantic fool if this was the reward for being one.

**JACK POV**

Jack relished the feeling of Ennis in his mouth, amazed like each time at how uncredibly soft while so strong the skin there felt, hungry for more of it, always more of it, as much as he could and then even some more, one hand at the base and the other tightening on _his_ shirt at Ennis's side for leverage as Ennis couldn't help but thrust up some under him, until Jack turned dizzy with it all and felt he needed that part of Ennis somewhere else, and right now. He reached for the lube blindly with one hand and finally released Ennis when he found it. He slicked Ennis up some more with it, then flashed a feral grin to Ennis as he straddled him and guided his heat at his gate.

One long push down, feeling the skin inside stretch and tingle just the right way until his fingers holding Ennis were trapped between their two bodies, feeling Ennis filling him, fullfilling, feeling them becoming one, two hissed "Yes" echoing together in his ears. No further movement for a few seconds, just enjoying the feeling.

Then Jack started moving, up and down, shifting his hips until he found the angle and the pace which felt _just_ right, one hand flat on Ennis's chest, the echoes of the heartbeat underneath like tribal drums, hypnotizing, urging him on, the other locked again on _his_ shirt, lost in his own moans and nonsense words and Ennis's grunts and hard breathing. Ennis's hands found his hips and helped him along, pulling him closer as Ennis sank himself deeper in, bucking up in time with Jack's moves down.

Oh yeah.  
So full, so deep, so good.  
Ennis, Ennis, Ennis.

Jack's head rolled backwards and he started stroking himself as he kept moving, eyes closed. Then he couldn't keep up with the rythm anymore, 'cause it took too much concentration - which he lacked right now with Ennis taking him mercilessly and oooooooh yeah just the right way. Jack realised he was soon to be too far gone and opened his eyes again, needing to see Ennis. He found himself breathless and staring at Ennis's eyes, for the first time open wide and focused right down there, at the space widening and closing between them, and the look of fascination, concentration and hunger in those eyes pushed him over his edge, one last gasped "Ennis" escaping his lips as his semen landed on Ennis's chest. Right after, Ennis's ragged breathing stopped, Ennis shivered, then went still, then started breathing again, exhaling breathlessly "God, Rodeo."

They stayed entangled for a little while.  
Ennis grinned.  
"I change my mind, Rodeo. There's definitely nothing wrong about you sneaking in, huh."  
Jack laughed shortly back.

They kept smiling at each other until their breathing calmed down. Then Jack distangled himself and they cleaned up automatically as he moved to lay next to Ennis under the covers.

Ennis rolled on his side, head supported on his elbow, and smiled as he traced Jack's face with one finger.  
"So ... How come you're here already? Not that I complain, huh..."  
Jack kept his eyes on the ceiling as he started to talk.

"Got a phone call last Friday from a ranch around here. They had heard apparently a lot and in a good way about us from another ranch we work with, and wanted to know if we could maybe come by. They'd understand if it wasn't possible, being that far and all ... But see, the ranch they mentioned, it's a new client, but a big one, and I was coming around anyway - not that they know that, of course - so I thought ... (pause) I'm going there tomorrow."

**ENNIS POV**

There was just something about Jack's way to present it all, his kinda "you-re-so-not-gonna-like-this" sort of tone, and about something Don had mentioned on Tuesday ...

_Shit._  
Ennis believed he knew the answer, but had to ask anyway. His finger stopped his wanderings and he looked down more seriously at Jack.  
"Which ranch?"  
Jack sighed, eyeing him closely.  
"You have one guess."  
_Yep._ _Shit. _

He had guessed right. Hell, this was going to be _beyond_ awkward. Surprisingly though, Ennis could only sigh too. Stout' had called Jack, not the other way around. And yeah, he was (more than) a bit nervous about them bumping into each other at the ranch, but he wouldn't have liked it either if Jack would have turned the offer down because of him, so ... He didn't like it, but there was nothing he could do against it. And maybe, in the back of his mind, Ennis couldn't help but think that if he kept calm now, maybe Jack would keep calm too on Sunday morning, when he would tell him that Alma was coming over ... That was going to be beyond awkward too for sure, huh.

Jack was still silent, apparently waiting for his reaction, so Ennis shoved Sunday's impending doom out of his head and came by to the matter at hand - tomorrow's possible fiasco. He even tried to joke.  
"Guess it would be pointless then to call myself sick, huh."  
Jack smiled back.  
"Yeah. It ain't like I can stick around here all day anyway..."

"What time are they expecting you?"  
"Around 11."

They kept silent for awhile. Just looking at each other felt nice, after so long.  
"Maybe we won't even get to see each other, you know ..."  
Ennis didn't answer, just gave Jack a dream-on look, and Jack went on kind of poorly.  
"And if we do, well, there's nothing wrong with a handshake anyway ..."

This time, Ennis moved until he got on top of Jack, and grinned.  
"Rodeo, I'd rather stop talking about tomorrow now."  
Then he kissed Jack, and there was no further talking about anything for a long time.

**JACK POV**

He couldn't help but groan first when the clock ringed - 4'30 was a bit early for his standard. But by the time Ennis had slayed the evil ringing dragon (or at least got him to shut up), Jack was awake enough to remember where he was. He sat up and started to put his jeans on, yawning but cutting Ennis's "You could stay in bed" with a simple "I'll get back in when you've left."

Ennis went to fetch his clothes in the closet. He opened the door wide, and Jack couldn't miss them, even in the half dark. There were their old shirts. Ennis had switched them, placing Jack's one now inside his own. Jack's heart missed a few beats at the sight. Ennis took some clothes out and turned back to meet his eyes. Jack could only whisper "Nice change" and smiled softly. Ennis just smiled back, then closed the door.

Jack went to prepare the coffee while Ennis showered and dressed up. They drank a cup together, facing each other at the table, not really speaking but not needing to anyway, Jack more playing with his cup than drinking from it, just enjoying the warmth. Ennis stood up, filled his cup again, leaned against the counter and drank his coffee quickly, then bended over to whisper conspiringly in Jack's ears.

"By the way, Don hates salesmen."  
Jack laughed shortly.  
"Everybody does."  
Ennis held his gaze and half-smiled half-grinned at him, eyes shining, in that unique way of his, as he simply murmured:  
"Wrong. I don't."

Then Ennis stood up and left. The words kept hanging in the air for a while, suffusing Jack with their warmth. Jack finally finished his cup and crawled back into the still-nicely-warm-too bed. He took a look around. His unsent postcard on the nightstand, his photo which he knew was in its drawer (he had seen it briefly last trip when Ennis had opened it to get the lube), their old shirts still intertwined but reversed, hanging inside the closet door, his shirt from January on the chair - more than messed up now, he was going to leave a new one. Memories of the night, of Ennis wearing his shirt to bed, of Ennis having used his soap, and both more than probably not for the first time. The whole room wasn't really simply Ennis's room anymore. It was _theirs_. Jack _was_ here, even when he was away. In Ennis's mind, and now in Jack's one too. So yeah, it was nicely warm in there. Jack felt back asleep very easily.

**DON POV ****(*AN 10)**

Don had cringed as usual when Stoutamire had told him that one of "those" was coming around. He couldn't deny that renewing some of their vehicles would be necessary soon anyway, but he had better things to do than to listen to one of those full of bullshit selling speeches. But to be honest, as far as salesmen went, this Jack Twist wasn't that bad. He smiled a lot and shook hands with anyone they walked into, be it Stoutamire of a ranch hand, but none of it ever felt slimy or false. And, the most important, at least the man actually knew what he was talking about. He wasn't praising to high heavens the most expensive machines imaginable but only showed him the ones which fitted the ranch the best, and he didn't have any problems with dirtying his hands and checking the engines some before advising which ones should have to be replaced and which ones could still work good enough with a few eventual repairs. For once, Don believed he would actually report to Stoutamire _everything_ the man was pointing out.

They were by the barn when four ranch hands came back from feeding the cattle in the farthest fields. Del Mar was among them, so he motioned for them to come over. He had heard from another hand that he had found and fixed a hole in the fences in the morning and wanted more details about it. He introduced the salesman to them as "the man who was gonna make sure they got trucks which worked" while Jack Twist extended his hand to the nearest hand.

"Jack Twist"  
"Ted O'Neil"  
"Bill Grant"  
"John Lewis"  
"Ennis. Del Mar."

Don knew he shouldn't trust his own eyes. For one second, it looked like del Mar somehow _smiled_. Well, it was probably the sun. His eyes weren't used to such a bright light anymore, they were just out of the grey winter ... Either that, or he needed glasses after all. So yeah, it should be the sun, right ...

Del Mar.

The man was a mistery. He worked here for about nine years now. Don had worked countless hours with him, yet he didn't feel like he knew him really any better now than by the first day he had arrived. A true loner. The man hardly ever opened his mouth, not even on the very few times he had been sticking around for the "week-end is here" beer on Friday. But the man surely knew how a ranch should work, so it was good to have him around. Don knew it, and he knew he wasn't the only one to know it. The man nearly never talked, but when he did, it was like evangelia, everybody did as told - and he didn't even have to bark, huh. A damn waste of a fine foreman, for sure. And if it wasn't for his strange ways, Stoutamire would agree. Don was turning old and the boss and him had talked a few times already about the ranch's future ...

If it wasn't for his strange ways ... The problem was, you could trust the man with any job, but you couldn't really rely on him. No matter what, if it was "that time of the year", thrice a year, the man just left. For a whole week. Don knew the man probably could use the money, he had to pay child support monthly for his two daughters to his previous wife, but it looked like you couldn't use money, nor as a threat nor as a treat, with this man. He didn't care about the money. He needed "some fresh air", "some space", or "some time on his own". And if you had a problem with it, you could just go to Hell. There were always other ranches, after all. And, Don knew that, even with the man's reputation, there were always ranches which would hire him. Don had realised soon enough that he surely wouldn't like that. The man was worth the trouble. Whatever you asked from him, he never complained, and did it, and did it right. He did wonders around, when he was around, so that had to be enough, if it couldn't be more. And maybe the man really needed that time "off" after all: only time he hadn't taken the usual days, last summer, well, it sure had seemed to pay his toll. It was one of the reasons Don had leant his cabin to him, and nearly right from the start. A way to tie the man in need of regular fresh air, space and time for himself to the ranch which could use him. After all, he had got the cabin from Stoutamire, so it felt right to use it for the ranch's benefits if needed. That treat had worked good enough twice, when it had felt like the man was thinking about anything but the ranch, years ago right after his divorce, and last fall, after months of ... - he couldn't name how the man had looked by then, but he hadn't seemed all right _at all_ ... Nine years. Yeah, that treat worked good enough. The man had never sticked that long by a ranch before, right ... Don knew he shouldn't be hoping for more than that, but did it nevertheless ... Yeah, if it wasn't for his strange ways ...

**JACK POV**

Jack was turning crazy. The wait was killing him. He needed Ennis, here, and now. It was that way for two hours already, and he had probably about another hour to go. Jack was used to wait for Ennis to turn around. He always arrived first to their meeting point, wanting to see Ennis's face light up just the right way and see his Cowboy walk those unusual quite hurried telltale steps towards him. So yeah, he was used to it. But today, Jack hated it. He had had no problem to work some on the paperwork he had brought before going to the ranch, but since he had come back, he couldn't focus on anything else than what had transpired there.

Meeting Ennis at work hadn't been too hard after all. On the contrary. Maybe because they had had time enough to prepare themselves for it, so it hadn't been a real unwelcome shock. Jack had even smiled when he had given Ennis his hand to shake. And he knew it had been all right for his Cowboy too - Ennis had smiled back, in the tiny second of silence he had let between "Ennis" and "Del Mar" as he had "introduced" himself. An inside joke, past known to themselves only making the present so much more significant. A new begin, sort of. Their bond. Then, now and forever. Their bond. Then Ennis had averted his eyes and had gone back to ranchhand mode, answering shortly to Don's question and telling right after that they had to go and take care of the horses.

So meeting Ennis at the ranch and acting like they didn't even know each other hadn't been the problem. What was turning Jack mad was what Don had let out, more to himself than to Jack, as Ennis had walked away.

"A damn waste of a fine foreman, even being such a loner as he is. Too bad he's got his strange ways."

It shouldn't have been newsflash like, and yet it had felt like it. Jack had never _really_ thought about it. He had always known that Ennis must have lost a few jobs because of him - _for_ him - but he hadn't dwelled about what jobs. And now, it was hitting him. It wasn't only jobs Ennis had been throwing to the wind because of him - _for_ him. It was a reputation. And Jack knew well enough just how what people thought of him was _more than quite_ important for his Cowboy. And it was money, it seemed. Money, which wasn't important maybe for Ennis in itself, but which Jack knew Ennis would have used happily for the girls. And Ennis was alone. _Always_ alone. Jack had always known that too, yet it felt different now somehow. Was it that hearing it from someone else made it more real, or that Jack realised more the meaning of it all now that he lived on his own too, it was hard to tell. But Jack knew that he wasn't lonely as Ennis was. He went to Lu at least once every two weeks, he had a drink with Rand about once a month or 6 weeks, and he never missed one of Bobby's games. He knew for a fact that Ennis nearly only real social connection was seeing his girls once a month.

So Jack felt bad. Really bad. All those years, he had been blind, kind of. He had been too busy drowning in his own pain, torn as he was between his feelings, his beliefs and his fears, all three about Ennis never giving in, even for an inch, and the multiple possible explanations to it, and cursing himself time after time for needing a man who didn't seem to need him equally, that he hadn't really realised fully what Ennis was actually giving up _for_ him, even without giving in. Jack already knew for sure for awhile now that it had never been a question of less or more, never less or more - there just had been different ways to deal with it all ... But under that old yet new light, Jack was left wondering if in the end, after all, he wasn't maybe the one coming short.

So the first impulse in his guts at Don's whispered words had been running to Ennis and sucking him off right in front of everyone, to let them see just how much _devotion_ his Cowboy was worth. But of course, that hadn't been an option, even by far, huh ... Luckily by then the tour of the ranch was nearly done, and about thirty minutes later Don had thanked him and he had left.

And since his return from the ranch, Jack had been unable to think about anything else. The events of last night were probably adding some weight to it all too. But, to say the simple truth, since Don's words, Jack just felt like bursting up from the need to let at least his Cowboy (if he couldn't show it to the whole world) know that they were _exactly_ in the same boat, that he belonged to Ennis just as much as Ennis belonged to him.

His fingers kept playing with his ring, and Jack was trying to decide if now would be the time or not to tell Ennis about his divorce. He wanted to shout it all out, 'cause it was starting to become too much like hiding and he didn't like hiding anything to Ennis - it reminded him of what he had used to hide, and that surely didn't felt right, not one bit. But everything still wasn't settled - he still needed to speak to Bobby, and they had to wait still a few months to know if business in Colorado was a real possibility. Of course, you could find work anywhere, but he didn't want to feel like letting Lu down that way too. It didn't felt right ... He would wait 'till the summer, their next camping trip. A new start just how it all had begun - the two of them, _up there_. The mountains were the right place for it. The more he thought about it, the mountains were the _only _place for it. It made it all _sacred_, sort of. **(*AN 11)**

That decided, Jack felt calmer. And crazier. Because it left him for now just one way to show his Cowboy how much he was _his_. So yeah, he needed Ennis, badly, right here, and right now. And being unable to do so, because Ennis wasn't around, was just goddamn straight _infuriating_.

**ENNIS POV**

The horses were all cared for, and he was at last able to leave.

Walking on Jack at the ranch had been just _sweet,_ strangely (because Ennis had been stressed some and had been expecting it to feel very different - let's say _odd_, at the _least_), but had left him yearning for more, of course ... A look, a smile, a hint of that voice, a glimpse of raven hair or any other detail catched by any of his senses from the whole which was Jack - even the most insignificant - was always enough to make his blood both run faster and stop still. It sounded strange, but there was no better way to say it ...

Ennis went directly home - his post could wait until Monday, you bet. As he drove, Ennis realised he felt pretty much the same as what he usually felt while driving to any of their trips. It was a strong and intoxicating mix. He felt light headed and nicely warm in his chest, knowing he would see Jack soon, and at the same time nervous, and thrilled, in the most delicious yet torturing horny way. Peaceful and whole while burning and aching. Again, an odd mix it seemed, but the best mix ever for him - Happiness.

He parked his pick-up and nearly run to the door, smiling as he remembered something he had thought about a few months ago and which he knew now was true : _coming home _to Jack felt good, yeah, _really_ good.

And then even more.

Ennis opened the door and saw Jack waiting for him, at the same place where he had stood waiting for Jack to open the same door a few times before, the evident hunger in Jack's eyes matching the burning in his groin.

They collided fiercefully, hard body against hard body, hands groping and squeezing, mouths sucking and kissing. Ennis, without ever breaking their kiss, pulled Jack along as he walked a bit backwards to be able to lock the door blindly with one hand, then moved forward again until Jack was trapped and deliciously pressed between him and the nearby wall.

Jack moaned as his back hit the wall, and tried to bring Ennis even closer, if possible, making Ennis moan back at him as they peeled each other shirt and top away. One hungry breathless "Need you so bad" matched a simple but just as hungry, needy, groaned "Jack" as they sort of stumbled to the floor, both panting already and unable to delay their union any longer than necessary. Jack was always clinging to him, but right now, if possible, he seemed even wilder. Ennis guessed he wasn't the only one who had been waiting for some tension to be released since they had shaken hands in Don's presence.

Jack turned under him and started rubbing his still clothed ass against his still clothed right thigh and hip, so dangerously _close_. Ennis's right hand won swiftly the battle with Jack's buckle and buttons and dived inside to play with his prize, Jack rythmically leaning into his hand then pushing back into his hips, driving him into a frenzy. Ennis shifted the necessary tiny bit and they both moaned as Jack found himself now rubbing himself right against Ennis. Then Ennis let his mouth travel down Jack's back until it found Jack's sensitive spot and stayed there while his hands pulled the fabrics of both their pants down enough to be out the way, as quickly as humanly possible, hearing the plea in Jack's "Ennis, Ennis, Ennis" echoing around him and unwilling not to submit to it. He readied himself and finally pushed in, gripping Jack's hips, Jack gasping but pushing back hungrily. Ennis knew what it meant and his thrusts soon became strong and quick, Jack's "Yes", "Ennis", "Yes" matching their rythm, filling the room, louder and louder, echoing in his ears until it was all that Ennis heard and urging him on like nothing else could.

Ennis felt the change as Jack went down lower on his elbows, offering himself to Ennis that little bit more which made it all _that_ much better, if that was even possible. Ennis groaned and opened his eyes (which had fallen shut automatically some time ago) to the so well known sight of Jack's shoulders and upperback.

Should he possess some artistic talent (which he lacked), Ennis knew he would have been able to draw a _perfect_ copy from this sight from memory. That part of Jack's body was probably the part he knew the best, and for the longest time - Jack's face apart, of course. Even when for so long he had used to keep his eyes mostly shut while having sex with Jack, he had never had too much of a problem with watching the skin glisten or the muscles move _there_. Maybe because after all, it was _just_ a neckline and some shoulders. It was silly, and he knew it, 'cause there had never been any denying possible that this was a man's upperback right under him, so why looking at it should have been any less confronting than looking at any other part of Jack's anatomy, huh. Yeah, silly. Yet it had always been so. And to say the truth, even after all those years, even now that he kept his eyes more and more open, there still was one bit of Jack he had never _really_ seen ...

Thoughts of the night before flashed in his head, his cock appearing and disappearing as Jack had moved on him, and before he realised it, Ennis went to sat straighter, and his eyes got this time a very clear view of his cock sinking repeatedly into Jack's hole. Ennis felt something, but it wasn't the blush or the shame he had maybe expected. Not at all. It was a rush, both of possessiveness and satisfaction, knowing that he was allowed to plunge in there, and the deeper the better, knowing that what he was doing there right now was what made Jack's shouts fill his ears, what made Jack shiver under him, and what would make Jack come, oh yes, what would make Jack come.

Ennis _had_ to see more. His hands stretched Jack's cheeks just a bit further apart, and he groaned, again. Ennis couldn't get his eyes away from it all. But no matter how fascinating and mesmerizing, how from afar, out of himself, it felt to stare at it, the more he watched the closer he got to his own edge. _That_ was the hottest thing he had ever seen, you bet. Him claiming Jack. Jack permitting it, thus claiming he was his. And then _actually_ claiming he was his, as a litany of "Yes, Ennis, yours, Ennis, yours, yours, yours" reached his ears.

Ennis sped up, a few "Jack" escaping his lips in time with the slapping sounds their skins made as they met. Then, there was one last breathless "Ennis" and Jack came, _for_ him, _from_ him, and Ennis followed after a few strong frenetic last thrusts.

**JACK POV**

Jack felt suddenly some air on his lowerback instead of the pression of Ennis's hard hot body, and because this was unusual he instinctively glanced backwards to see "what he was doing", that thought bringing a smile in his head - it was Ennis's line, not his, right ...

Then Jack could only gasp. Ennis had that look on his face - the damn straight concentrated hunter look. And that look was focused _on his ass_, and at the center of it, to be precise. Jack felt _truly_ naked - open and exposed as he had _never_ been. But it wasn't a frightening or a demeaning feeling. On the contrary. It was intimacy at its highest. And it was Ennis, so it felt right. And it felt _good_, oh yeah. Right now, knowing Ennis was watching his ass as he plunged in it was the hottest thing _ever_.

Jack let his head fall again, wanting to give Ennis both the best angle to take him and the best view possible, needing to give all of himself to his Cowboy, needing to make him feel that he was his, utterly his. Then Ennis's hands were pressed on his butt, and Jack heard himself _say_ it. It only seemed to urge Ennis even more on, so Jack repeated it again and again, feeling everything spiralling down, down, down as he got closer and closer to spill over with each thrust, with each hit, until it was all too much, until it felt all too good, and he fell over the edge, taking Ennis with him a few seconds later.

They stayed lying on the floor, Ennis still on top of him, in silence for some time. No words were needed, really, after something that intense. Then Ennis muttered something about them needing to move before they fell asleep on the damn floor. Jack chuckled. Ennis put his pants back on and went to the kitchen to put some water to boil for some rice while Jack cleaned up the floor. Jack went to the shower, using Ennis's soap, because it was what felt right just now. Ennis joined him in, kissing his shoulder lightly as he stole the soap from his hands, making Jack feel like the happiest man on Earth, even if he kept the thought to himself and acted like nothing absolutely _precious_ just had happened. They got back in the kitchen as the water started to boil and finished cooking. They ate, in silence too, just smiling and looking at each other. Still, no words were needed. Then they cleaned and rushed upstairs, winking and racing to the bed. Jack won, and his prize was Ennis attacking him wolfishly once more, whispering the three words which they both knew meant exactly the same as three other words - "Come here, Rodeo".

Saturday morning found them still late intertwined peacefully, Ennis's arm and leg thrown over Jack's sleeping form. When Jack stirred up, he realised that Ennis was (as so often) already awake - Ennis brought him closer and inhaled deeply in his neck. Jack cherished the attention then turned his head, whispering "Morning, Cowboy" before leaning in for a kiss. They wordlessly agreed to stay in bed a while longer ...

Afterwards, they went dowstairs to take their breakfast, or better say nearly lunch. Ennis at some point broke the easy shared silence, a light smile on his lips but seriousness in his gaze.

"By the way ... Yesterday, after you left ... Don was impressed, really. He said that you were no bullshit talker - and from him, that means a lot."

Ennis's eyes then returned to his plate, but Jack had seen it anyway. And Jack knew exactly why his Cowboy was saying that now. Ennis sometimes made sort of comments about his constant chatter, and related it to his work (though not in a really demeaning way, of course). Jack never minded, and always laughed, if only because his Cowboy actually feeling like making a joke was always so _meaningful_ for him. But Ennis was seemingly now kind of ashamed of this attitude, and Jack knew those words of praise quoted from Don were Ennis's apology too.

Jack laid his cup down, making some sound to attract Ennis's attention to him again, and told conspiringly :  
"Well, guess the fact that I didn't fall in his little trap helped some ..."  
Ennis looked at him shyly. Jack smirked.  
"He told you, huh ..."  
Ennis nodded, embarrassed some more.  
"Anyway, it's just fair. Happens quite often. And I'd probably do the same if I were in their shoes. (pause) You know ... Maybe things do happen with a reason. Remember my old pick-up? Seems now the countless hours I spend under it trying to figure out how it worked weren't for nothing after all, huh."

Then Jack winked, grinning, wanting Ennis to know that he had _never_ really minded about any comments he had ever made.  
"And for the rest, well ... Let's say Don just doesn't know me as good as you do, huh ..."

Ennis though didn't respond playfully, but shook his head a bit, _I mean it _written all over his face.  
"Jack ..."

Jack leaned a bit over the table and whispered, as if it was a secret.  
"It's all right, Ennis. Because the truth is, I just keep my bullshit for some very special people. Get it?"  
There came the usual tiny blush, and Ennis lowered his gaze while Jack moved back fully in his chair and took another sip from his cup.  
"Guess I can live with that ... (pause) And, well, you know that I do like your bullshit, huh ..."  
Jack chuckled, nearly choking on his coffee.  
When their eyes met again, Ennis this time was grinning too.

Later, while they cleaned the kitchen, Ennis asked Jack what he wanted to do for the day. The weather looked kind and all. Jack wanted them to have some time on their own, so he just answered that he would prefer to stay in. And from the shine which got in Ennis's gaze, Jack knew that it was what Ennis wanted too. As often, they were exactly on the same wavelenght.

As the last fork was cleaned and dried, Jack smiled at Ennis.  
"Shower time."  
Ennis smiled back, and asked playfully.  
"You first or me?"  
Jack's answer was first to take Ennis's hand as he started to walk away - they were going in together, you bet. Then he smirked as he let out huskily in his ear, giving another meaning to Ennis's initial question :  
"Let's find out, huh."

Ennis chuckled, blushing some, but was attacking his mouth as fiercely as ever before they even made it to the hall. They got out of their pants with help of their feet, kissing and stroking all along and not wanting to part even for a second until they had to cry out, together, under the stream.

After their shower, they got back upstairs to dress. Jack watched as Ennis opened his closet, took some clothes out and put them on. Then he took the plunge. He came near Ennis while finishing to button his jeans and tilted his head towards the inside of the closet.

"Would you mind?"

Ennis watched him, stunned for a second as he realised what Jack was asking, then turning his gaze anywhere as long as it wasn't on him, he moved to the side in order to let Jack free access to his closet as he mumbled :

"Pick anything you want."

Both knew taking something to keep wasn't an option. It couldn't be, in Ennis's mind because of Lureen, and in Jack's mind because then he would have to explain to Ennis why it was all right for him to keep whatever he took. But Jack could wear something for the day, and he would - you bet. After yesterday, he still felt like making a point.

Jack let his right hand travel along the shirts, scanning through them until he found the pattern he had been looking for. It was the last one, so Jack guessed Ennis probably hadn't wear it since _then_, of course. Jack's hand stopped his journey and took it out. Ennis's shirt from November. The shirt Ennis had been wearing when he had opened the cabin's door. The shirt which had seen them reuniting, after months of aching and desperate longing for something they both had believed had been lost. The shirt which had witnessed him saying for the first time the words he wanted Ennis to hear again, and right now : _I'm yours_.

Ennis turned his attention back to him when he heard him ruffling with the fabric as he put the shirt on. Jack buttoned it up, eyes fixed on Ennis and knowing that yes, he was making his point clear enough, judging by the way Ennis was looking at him, even if Ennis wasn't commenting on his choice. Then Ennis, apparently unable not to touch him somehow, "helped" him straightening the collar while he closed the last button.

Jack smiled - a mix of sweet and evil, as he felt both a warm glow in his chest and a tightening somewhere lower.  
"Feels good."  
Wearing that shirt? Ennis touching him?  
Both, just both.  
The first won though - temporarily - and Jack closed the closet and walked out, Ennis following him on cue.

There was something. Jack couldn't tell why he was thinking _that_ - because it was so unreal it just couldn't be true, huh - but as they descended the stairs, Jack couldn't help but feel Ennis's burning gaze, never leaving his ass, until he sat down on the couch.

**ENNIS POV**

Jack wanted to wear one of his shirt.

That in itself was enough to make him feel high, like walking on clouds. And to turn him on, you bet. But when he saw which shirt Jack had actually picked, Ennis just felt like if he had been punched knocked out – but in a good way, if that made any sense at all. He was _loved_. Yeah, he was _loved_. Only when Jack came by the last button did Ennis recover the ability to actually make his muscles move. He shyly arranged the collar, that shirt on Jack feeling somewhat like sacred.

Jack exhaled then met his eyes and smiled.  
"Feels good."  
Ennis had nothing to answer. But he knew the feeling all right.

Jack passed him by and walked out, and Ennis couldn't help but realise as his eyes travelled down _his_ shirt on Jack's back and then even lower that it didn't only felt good - it _looked_ good too, you bet. Memories of last night helped Ennis see through the fabric of Jack's jeans, and his cock started to twitch, again.

Enjoying the rush he felt coursing through his veins and knowing they had _all day_ just to themselves, Ennis decided to torture himself for awhile. It was something he had realised very early after all - sometimes, it was _nice _to delay. And judging by the smirk on Jack's face as he turned the TV on, Jack was probably thinking _exactly_ the same.

So the game started.

Watching Jack in one of his shirt, and above all in this shirt, was making a lot of different feelings course through him at once. It was kind of funny-surreal-strange to see Jack wearing a squared patterned shirt, but of course, it suited him – probably anything would suit that man anyway, huh. It was making him feel all special and warm, because it was that particular shirt. And it was making him dizzy with need, in a primal way, because it was _his_ shirt. Jack surely knew it all, 'cause he sure enjoyed making a display of himself in front of his eyes, laughing and whooping and cussing and shouting and glancing at him confidently while jumping up and down as he supposedly supported the red basketball team ...

So of course, after about 40mns of all this, this time, Ennis lost, one "Jack" escaping his lips. Jack looked at him through eyes full of expectations and let out while smirking in that most charming devilish way of his : "What?" as he went to turn the TV off.

Ennis whispered huskily the usual "Come here" which he knew Jack always craved to hear, extending a hand. He was surprised though as Jack catched it and pulled him until he stood, playfully whispering back :  
"How about this time, _you_ come here, huh".

And then, their bodies met and melted into each other, rendering Ennis madder still with desire as he felt how hard too Jack was against him. When they had to part in order to breathe, Jack panted : "Take me upstairs, Cowboy" in his left ear, and they blindly found their way to the bedroom while fighting with any buttons keeping their skin apart. Ennis's shirt finally fell on the ground as they got by the bed. Jack opened the last button of the shirt he wore as he straddled Ennis and whispered honestly, all kinds of needs evident in his voice :  
"Whatever you want, but I'm keeping it on."

They kissed again hungrily, Jack on his lap and grinding into each other. When Ennis's hands got on his ass, to pull him _closer_ still, Jack covered and pressed on Ennis's hands with his own, pushing himself even more against Ennis as he broke the kiss to be able to whisper hotly in Ennis's ear : "Tell me again, Ennis. Tell me I'm yours" before meeting his eyes again. Ennis answered from the very chore of his soul : "Mine. Jack. Mine" while laying them both down and rolling on top of _his_ Jack.

They stayed in the bedroom for the rest of the day.

**JACK POV**

The alarm clock wakes him up, and Jack wonders for an instant where the Hell Sunday has gone. But he recognises the feeling of Ennis's warm hard body next to him and relaxes some, still puzzled though about the alarm - on Sunday.

Jack out of habit checks the time. 7'40. Just one second is all it had taken, but Ennis by now has already jumped out of bed and he's already taking fresh clothes out of his closet, mumbling something as "I knew we'd be late if I didn't turn it on" ... and that's really all becoming just too strange for words. Jack can't remember which piece of the movie he has missed, but he knows he has, apparently.

"What's going ...?"  
He can't continue though as Ennis finally looks at him, seeming all nervous, and in a bad way.

"Alma ... Alma will be here at 8'30 ... She knows, Jack ... so ... " "What???"

Then Jack remembers which day it is today and grins.  
"Oh jeez, you got me good, huh."

Ennis blinks. He doesn't grin back. He doesn't do anything, in fact, and Jack realises that his Cowboy is probably not known for doing April's fool pranks anyway, and that if he was, he _surely_ wouldn't be joking about _that_.  
"Shit. You're not kidding me ..."

***

Wait a minut.  
Too much information.  
Rewind.  
Alma knew?!  
That was a surprise he could have do without ...  
Ennis had never told - that wasn't surprising, of course - until now that he didn't have another choice ... because ...  
Alma was coming over?!  
Why the Hell? Sometimes, he really wondered about how women worked, because that, well, that made no sense. Except if she wanted to eviscerate him, of course - Hell has no fury as a woman scorned, they said, right. And that surely wasn't giving to the soon-to-be-encounter a better perspective, huh ... Then he thought about Lureen, the way she had been moving her finger up and down, up and down Ennis's photo that night, and told himself that maybe, after all, it was kind of the same ...

A flash in his head – one of their trip, early April '77, Ennis, unable to relax one bit until much later than usual into those dark nights, Ennis, even more tensed than usual, lashing out at him for little nothings several times a day and then looking afterwards quite sorry for it but never saying a word, of course, never a damn word, Ennis, even surpassing his usual paranoiac self, and breaking his heart along with his dreams all over once more on their last argue, their last full day together. A sense of doom falls upon Jack.

"Shit ... That talk by the river ... that Spring ... That's why you were so ... You had found out that ..."

Ennis's gaze just danced between him and the floor, not wanting to talk, knowing he had to though ...  
"Yeah, not so long before that trip ... A few angry words ... Told me how at some point she had noticed that my fishing stuff wasn't really being used and all, huh, and ... (sigh) Never talked about it again ... Never talked about anything actually ... But then ... with you coming around here now and all ... Went to talk to her, really talk, three weeks ago. Had to ... you know ... (sigh) She told me the truth ... And the truth is ..."  
Ennis's shameful gaze came back to him, and this time didn't move back.  
"She saw us, Jack ... In the stairs."

"What???"

From afar, Jack registered Ennis walking to him and going down on his heels to be able to meet his eyes. But Jack was back to that day, remembering how _weird_ he had found her. Not that he had been really interested by then in giving her too much attention, not with Ennis so near - after four fucking years of yearning for that man - but well, he hadn't been able to not notice that she looked ... kinda weird - lifeless, colorless, like a blank sheet, uninterested and uninteresting, and weak, pityfully kind of begging for Ennis to come back home soon ... Well, she had had a good reason to be weird, it seemed now, huh ... Lureen ... She had figured it out, in time. But Alma ... She had never been able to wonder, to doubt, to find clue after clue until it had all clicked into place. She had _seen_ them - out of the blue on a Sunday afternoon. One second, she had a life, the other one, she had a lie. Jack couldn't even start to imagine how _that _must have felt ... And all those years, all those years, she had _never_ said a thing. Not even by the divorce, and God knew that would have been a powerful weapon, huh. All those years ... She must have loved him, sure enough.

Jack felt ashamed, somehow. For so long, she had been the enemy, the one in the way. He had used to be jealous of her and the girls, of the happy normal life he imagined they had which made him sick any time he thought about it. He had used to despise her, thinking her to be dull, at the least, and not understanding what Ennis could have ever seen in her to begin with. He had used to get terribly upset whenever Ennis had stood up for her - which he _always_ had - any time Jack had made a comment, more or less directly, on her account. Then she hadn't been in the picture anymore but nothing had changed, and Jack had realised bitterly that she hadn't been the only enemy, that Ennis had always been the one in the way too ... He had never really given her a second thought after that, really. Ennis always talked about the girls, and about her from time to time, and Jack registered it all, because anything his Cowboy felt like sharing with him was special and worth registration, you bet. But he had never really _cared_. To his defense, of course, he had never imagined that she could know, huh, so ... But now that he knew ... it was pretty hard not to care ... All those years he had been envying her, she must have been envying him ... And he knew how painful that was good enough.

"Shit ..."

"Yeah ... Exactly what I thought when she told me three weeks ago ... But I'm glad we talked, finally ... Should have done it ages ago ... Didn't went too wrong actually ... And then ... Said she wanted to see you, said she needed to see you before ... before you meet the girls ... So, huh ..."

Before he met the girls.  
Before he met the girls.  
That was it, of course.  
The girls.  
His heart imploded, but so, so warmly.  
Ennis had been thinking about introducing him to his girls.  
No matter if it would probably be just as a friend.  
He wanted them to know him.  
Even if all the rest had never happened, that in itself would be proof enough.  
He was _loved_. Oh yeah, he was _loved_.  
So if that meant actually meeting Alma - his ex-wife who knew it _all_ - in a bit more than 30 minutes, then so be it.  
No matter how awfully awkward it felt and would feel, he would deal with it.  
Because he wanted to be introduced to the girls, one day.  
Oh yeah. He wanted it. You bet.

Ennis's hand suddenly on his knee, bringing him back to the present.  
"Jack? You all right?"  
"Yeah, I guess. I mean ... Just give me a second, but I think I will be."  
Silence, lost in each other's gaze.  
A gentle squeeze.  
"Thanks, Bud".

Then Ennis stood up and went to take a quick shower.

Half an hour later, they were both clean, dressed, hair dried (which Jack found a very important detail), and goddamn jumpy nervous while the coffee ran. Ennis kept biting at his thumbnail while eyeing the clock, and Jack was pacing the room with his eyes, checking once, twice, thrice if everything was all right enough ... Then there was a car parking in the yard. Their eyes met. Jack said out loud "It'll be all right", more to convince himself than anything else. Ennis stopped biting his nail and went to the hall.

**ALMA POV**

As agreed, she arrived at 8'30.

She remembered how suddenly tensed Ennis had seemed while she had walked him back to the door when he had brought the girls back last week-end. He hadn't stayed long, of course, but he had actually walked in with the girls and carried their stuff to their rooms, and that fact alone was saying enough how things had changed between them since their talk last month. She had sensed by the door that he had something to tell her - the way his mouth had been kinda twitching had been telltale enough for her. She had guessed what and had asked firmly "When?" before he even had got a word out. He had sighed, had looked at her, then at a mysterious spot on the wall and had breathed out quickly "Sunday morning, as early as you can." She hadn't been surprised, going back to Texas wasn't exactly a short ride. She had then told more than asked "Coffee? 8.30?", and he just had nodded and walked out. He had turned back to her just before she could close the door : "If you don't ..." She had cut him off and held his gaze, telling in a voice which meant he shouldn't argue further about it all that she would bring cookies before closing the door.

So here she was now, in front of Ennis's door, collecting her thoughts. A part of her was screaming at her to just run away, so she took some time to calm down and remember why she was here, a few seconds away from seeing _him_ again.

For the girls, she was there for the girls. She needed to know, to check, to make sure those two could be decent, or something, right. A flash of the first and last time she had met _him_ played behind her eyelids, the old stabbing bitter pain still there, still, after all this time ... That kiss she had witnessed, their short breathing and somewhat still ruffled clothes when they had walked in afterwards ... No one else should ever get to see _that_, and surely not the girls.

She breathed, deeply.

Then, to be honest, she was there for herself too. Meeting _him_ finally would maybe help her, what ... Understand? See? What she wasn't was pretty obvious, huh ... She wasn't really able to explain it, but in a way, she just felt that she HAD to. She wasn't glad to be here, not at all, but she _wanted_ to be here nonetheless ... Maybe just to prove to herself that she could let it go, that she could let the past in the past, that she was able at least to live with it, even if she would probably never get totally over it - some things were just too big to get erased, and having lived a lie wasn't a stain you could just wash away. But at least, she wasn't living a lie now anymore, and that was in the end the most important - things were now the way they should be, right? So she probably never would get totally over it, but she should be over it _enough._.

Yes. Enough

And, deep down, somewhere, she was there for Ennis. She believed she would never be able to forgive _him_, no matter what, but she wanted to forgive Ennis. She was no fool and didn't think it would be possible to forgive him everything. But if he was _happy_, somehow, finally, and that she just let it be, it would be just as good, right, in a way ... However wrong in so many ways it probably was ... she just cared, still. So she needed to see if _he_ was good enough. If _he _was worth the pain - not hers, not the girls', because he could _never_ be worth their pain, that was sure - but Ennis's pain, at least, and that wasn't a little thing - twenty years of it, after all - if he was worth Ennis throwing his own life to the wind _for him_, again, and again, and again, in so many ways.

She breathed once more, then knocked.

She just had to knock once and the door sprung open - Ennis had probably heard her coming but had let her the time she eventually needed before opening. Ennis appeared in the doorway, alone, and she couldn't help but feel ... relieved. He looked both nervous and out of place in his own home, eyes glancing at her sides. She waited. He kinda coughed, once, then finally met her eyes and asked her, his voice pitched low, the words only for her to hear.  
"You're sure ... You wanna come in?"  
She couldn't help it, she smiled. A tired smile, but a smile nonetheless as she held the cookies up.  
"It would be a shame to let those cookies go to waste ..."

He opened the door some more and she walked in. _He_ was still nowhere to be seen. She couldn't decide if she was glad about them letting her some space or if it was just making it worse. In a way, she wanted _this_ to be over with as soon as possible.

Ennis took her coat and hung it up, the way a man was supposed to help a lady, the way he had used to, when he had been "the not perfect but perfect enough for me husband", before the lies and the bitterness had grown between them to the point where even tiny automatic social actions like this had vanished ... It felt ... surreal. Strange how sometimes maybe the most insignificant details could tell so much.

She realised suddenly too that it was the first time she was here. Ennis always came to take the girls and brought them back, so ... Then Ennis took the cookies, thanking her aloud, which she knew was meant as a kind of warning for the man waiting for them in the mainroom. Ennis walked through the threshold, and she followed him.

First, from behind Ennis, she saw one foot. Then two. Legs attached to them, up until the knees. Then Ennis moved to the side, and here _he_ stood, between the couch and the coffee table, apparently tensed, hands in his back pockets as if he didn't know what to do with them. He was older - of course, he was just a man, not any kind of tricky magician, and men grew old - his face wasn't as smooth as it had been _that day_, and he had obviously gained a few pounds, but for the rest he didn't look that much different. He wore a pair of jeans and a blue shirt. She couldn't help but feel _glad_ that it wasn't red. Ennis coughed again, then sort of automatically repeated the presentation of so long ago. Not that any presentation was really needed, but probably because he didn't know any other way to start, to cut the heavy silence hanging in the room.

"Alma, this is ..."  
Then his voice changed, any pretense gone as the tone passed from matter of factly to a tone more meaningful and unable to hide the simple truth as it reached her ears.  
"This is Jack."

Not Jack Twist, like so long ago. Jack. Simply Jack. Just Jack, but not in a reducing way at all. All the contrary. A _whole_ world in that name.

Ennis's voice went on, from what sounded to her like a place much farther away than where she knew he stood.  
"And Jack, this is Alma."

She saw _him_ wipe his right hand automatically as he moved closer, his left hand staying in his back pocket. He seemed to be even more nervous than she was. She bet he would rather be anywhere but here right now, and in a way, it felt good. It felt right. He was considering this all as something important. For Ennis more than for her she guessed, of course, but important still. Which meant he cared, and that was what she had been hoping to see.

Then he extended his hand in front of her. They were going to shake hands. Nothing like the meant-to-be-respectful-but-casual salute with his hat which by then had just felt to her truly insulting. And even if she guessed now that he probably hadn't dared to get closer to her than the doorway not only because - of course - he just couldn't wait to get out, but maybe too because he knew he wouldn't be able to throw the just friends play powder in front of her eyes, for years, she had regretted she had been so shocked stunned at the moment that she hadn't made him eat that damn hat ... But this time, there was no hat. And they were going to shake hands.

Time seemed to freeze as their hands met. She heard him tell her name, and automatically answered with his. The moment it escaped her lips, something changed inside her. There, out, she had said it, and the actual lack of venom in her voice surprised her. He wasn't "him" anymore, he wasn't "Jack Nasty". He was "Jack". They shake hands, once, but firmly.

Ennis coughed, once more, and went for the coffee, leaving them awkwardly alone. Then _Jack_ coughed too, moving a bit and gesturing to the couch. Three cups were already waiting for them on the table. She went to sit on the couch, he grabbed the closest chair from the kitchen area and sat on it, leaving the place next to her for Ennis.

She noticed something while he carried the chair. There was a bucking bull on the buckle of his belt. Some words from long ago echoed in her brains.

"Is he somebody you cowboyed with, or what?"  
"No, Jack, he rodeos, mostly."

The first lie. And yet it seemed now it hadn't been _entirely_ a lie after all. Either that the man preferred rodeoing than ranching, or that - in a way she didn't want to think about for too long - the fact that he rodeoed was for Ennis a better definition for that man than the fact that he did ranch work. She wondered if maybe there was more to the "fishing buddies" tale too (***AN 12**). She didn't felt like asking, of course, not now and not ever. What difference was it making in the end anyway ... Yet, she found some kind of solace in that little detail - a belt buckle.

She came by to the present and noticed that he couldn't sit still, and again, she sort of liked that. Ennis came back then with her cookies on a plate and the coffee pot. He served them all and sat next to her. None of them knew what to say now, so she took the plate and presented it to Ennis, who took a cookie, then to Jack, who thanked her as he took one too, giving her a sort of tiny cornered-but-polite smile, then she took one for herself and put the plate back on the table.

The silence was deafening. It felt like _everything_ had just stopped to watch them now. No wind outside, no car passing by, not a sound in the house except from their chewing and drinking and the tic tac of the clock. Awkward. More than awkward.

**JACK POV**

So. Here she was. Alma. She hadn't changed much it seemed. And Ennis had been definitely right about something - her cookies were good. Really good.

Jeez, it was awkward. The three of them, sitting there, kind of afraid to talk, even afraid to look at each other. Only thing they did was drinking their coffee, nose so deep into their cup they could drown in them, you bet. It seemed taken straight out one of those soaps Lu liked so much, huh ...

But she was here. She had come. It must have taken a lot of courage, for sure. So Jack thought that the next move should be his. Finding something to talk about wasn't easy though, huh ... And then, he knew.

What could have become their last trip. That night, sitting on those chairs, so close yet so far from each other, talking, fingers brushing as they passed the bottle back and forth, voices low but clear to each other's ears. Ennis had been talking about the girls. Alma and Monroe just had got a second son, and the girls had talked the whole week-end about "Baby Greg", you bet. "Baby Greg" this, "Baby Greg" that ... The poor kid was going to have three mothers, it seemed, huh ... They had shared a laugh. The thought like a knife in his heart suddenly, as he realised it could have been their last. Just a few moments later, he had let out "All this time and you ain't found nobody else to marry?", hadn't get the answer he had been hoping for, and things had rolled quickly down a road which could have easily lead to a dead end. So after all, feeling out of place right now between Ennis and Alma wasn't that bad after all. Not that bad at all.

"Baby Greg" should be about 12 months old now. There was an opening there. People talked about their kids all the time, right. So why not them, huh ...

**ALMA POV**

Then, _he_ broke the silence. He was trying hard, for sure. He wanted this - whatever this was - to go as good as it could, and she liked that too. He asked her about the boys and if Baby Greg was making his nights already. She was stunned silent for a second. "Baby Greg". He didn't just know about her remarriage and about the boys ... It seemed that he knew it _all_ : "Baby Greg". She knew Ennis had taken the habit to use that nickname from the girls, but she would have never thought that Jack could know it too, she had never thought ... well, what ... that they _talked_? It was stupid, _she_ was stupid, but still, hearing that nickname from him ... She heard Ennis utter something like "humf" and realised he was probably biting his tongue from keeping himself to tell him that this nickname wasn't used anymore - the question had been asked to her, not to him, and he was trying not to get in the middle. So she finally found her voice back, and answered that yes, he was finally sleeping through the nights, and that he was starting to walk, and that therefore he was now "just Greg". He mentioned the girls, how they seemed all grown-up, motioning to their pictures hanging on the wall - the only items hanging in Ennis's living room, she noticed with warmth in her chest. They talked about the girls - school, hobbies, and "that english band Jenny liked so much", which once more startled her - Ennis joining in the conversation here and there.

Then she asked him about his boy - it felt like playing tennis, throwing back the ball, but after all, it was the smartest move : talking about their kids was safe. He told a few things - just a few things, but she could hear love in them, and that was all she needed to know. Bobby liked movies, played football. Pretty much a regular seventeen year old kid it seemed. Was all grown-up too - Ennis even made a joke then, whispering kind of conspiringly to her that what Jack meant was that Bobby wasn't chasing him with a lightsaber pretending to be some kind of powerful green kikker anymore, which let her totally thunderstruck - Ennis, down-to-Earth Ennis, knowing about ... Star Wars?? It was stuff she had learned from Matt lately, all right, but Ennis???? The talking worked both ways it seemed between those two, that was sure. And she hadn't seen that playful glint in Ennis's eyes in a long time ... Memories of playing in the snow, long ago, so long ago ... It was nice to see that glint again ... Then Jack got her out of the past as he said kind of proudly something about always having preferred his son to play with a plastic lightsaber than with a real gun (she believed she saw him grinning too as he added that he didn't mind if people had thought it was just because he was a poor shot) - and her mother's heart could only approve.

At some point, Ennis asked her if she wanted some more coffee, 'cause he was going to refill his cup anyway. She agreed. As he stood, he didn't look at Jack but asked "You too, Bud?". He coughed, probably embarrassed and trying to erase that last word which had so automatically rolled out of his mouth. BUD. Ennis called him bud. And she remembered too well that each card coming from Texas began with FRIEND. She had thought it to be a cruel joke on her account, but now she saw it was only the truth. She heard the smile in Jack's answer "No thanks, I'm fine", and realised only now that they hadn't been sharing one single glance since she was here. They were doing it inconsciously it seemed, and she guessed it was _for her_. In a way, it was kind. But it was pointless, because the evident easiness between them, the little things they apparently shared - and God knew that Ennis wasn't usually keen on sharing much - that one "Bud" accidentally fallen and the softness in the voice at the answer to it ... all those things were telling it all enough. They had a real connection, that was plain to see. And though it hurt, it was a pain she decided she could deal with. And she _would_ deal with.

She decided she had seen enough, finally, and as soon as she had finished her cup told them she was going to leave. They walked with her to the hall. Ennis thanked her - obviously for the cookies, but she knew there was so much more to it - looking as she put her coat on like he was going to hug her, or kiss her goodbye, but not doing any of it, thanksfully, because she wasn't sure she could have taken that above all the rest. Jack didn't say a word, because well, how could she have him thanking her, huh, but gave her his right hand to shake again. As she did, she noticed something she hadn't seen until then. He wore a ring on his left hand. On _that_ finger. And in a flash she realised that it was _the same_ as then. It could mean only one thing, and she didn't like it one bit, oh no. And she wouldn't keep it in, oh no. She didn't felt like lashing out on Ennis, but on Jack, well, she could, you bet ...

**JACK POV**

"Ennis, see you soon. Jack, would you mind walking me to the car."

The tone was like a slap in his face. Just the moment he had been starting to breathe again normally, just the moment he had been telling to himself that things hadn't been going on too wrong - just that moment, it seemed it all had changed. He had no clue about what had happened, but something had, that was sure. It would probably only make it worse not to go with the flow, so he just answered "Sure".

She walked out right away, and he followed, glancing to Ennis and mouthing again "It will be all right" as he passed him by and closed the door, silently asking to Ennis to just let them be, hearing Alma talking more to herself than to him as she walked in front of him.

"How stupid I was, huh. I was so sure you were ..."

She turned back to him as she get to her car. She didn't shout, probably not wanting Ennis to hear any of it, but her eyes were throwing daggers and firing bullets all right, as she pointed to his left hand with her finger as he got close enough.

"How can you ... You really believe it's the _noble thing to do_, you really believe that keeping up to your responsabilities gives you the right to .. to ... I don't care what Ennis thinks, I don't care what you think, it's just _not_ right. Even if ... Ignorance is a blessing, but it doesn't make anything right ... And don't tell me it's none of my business. I've been there. (sigh) All those years ... (lowering her gaze, and he understood it cost her a lot to let the next words out) I can't deny there is ... _something_ ... between you two. (eyes back on him, and so serious) But it _shouldn't_ be at her expanse. And if you're not the monster I used to believe you were, then you'll think about it, that's all I can hope."

Jack was impressed - she was definitely not dull, and she was definitely not weak, not at all. Coming here as she had done this morning was brave, and telling him what she just had told him was beyond brave. But what truly did it was the fact that she wasn't lashing out on him because of herself, or the girls ... She was lashing out on him because of Lu. She didn't know her, yet she cared. So, yeah, that woman was something, he could admit it now. And of course, he agreed with her, after all, that's what he had understood too months ago, right?

She turned away and opened the door of her car. She was done, it seemed.

"It's not what you think."  
He realised the words were out as she turned back to him. It was strange, but he felt that he could _trust_ her on that matter. Maybe it was just to let her know that he really cared for Lu, for Ennis, probably both. Obviously, she cared for Ennis. So if it was a way to win not her heart, not her blessing, maybe not even her acceptance, but at least her understanding ...

He took his ring out and handed it to her.  
"It's not the same ring ... I am divorced."  
He saw her turned pale as she read the two inscriptions within.  
_E+J. Summer of '63_.  
He went on, both saying it all and giving her time to recover.  
"Actually ... Lureen helped me with this."  
She blinked, looked at him like if he was from another planet, then whispered.  
"She must be something."  
"Yeah. She sure is ..."  
Silence.  
She met his eyes again and gave him the ring back.  
"He doesn't know yet though about ..."  
She looked at him some more, and he couldn't tell what was going on in her mind. Then she sighed, once. And then, then, she nearly smiled. Probably the most painful smile he had ever seen, but a smile nonetheless.  
"You better get back in there before he gets a nervous breakdown, huh ... And tell him ... Tell him I'm all right about the girls, whenever ... you know ... And about ... Well ... I won't tell him."

She climbed in her car, and just before the door got closed, Jack heard himself say some words he would never have thought he would be saying one day.  
"You're something too, Alma."

She started the engine and prepare to leave, then looked back at him and opened the window.  
"Let's not do this again, huh ..."  
Of course. _That_ made sense. They didn't have to be best friends, how could they ever be?  
He nodded.  
She turned her head back and drove away.  
He went inside.

He found Ennis pacing in the hall. The pacing stopped of course the moment he walked in.  
"What ..."  
Jack just held his hand up, cutting him.  
"Nothing important."  
It was clear Ennis wasn't buying it, but he didn't press further, trusting him on his word for it not to be _really_ bad then.

Jack moved closer and grinned.

"Seems I passed anyway ... She told me to tell you she was all right about the girls."  
"Really?"  
The smile on Ennis's face then was one of the brightest he had ever seen, and it warmed his heart oh so nicely. Jack smiled back.  
"Yeah."

And then, Ennis's arms squeezed him close around the neck. Ennis didn't say anything, but Jack could feel his Cowboy's relief as his body relaxed evidently against his as they hugged.

Ennis's hugs were something, you bet.  
Rare.  
Precious.  
So damn nicely warm.  
Soothing.  
Cosy.  
Homey.  
Jack would be happy to be able to stay in those arms just like this for the rest of his life.

He knew he had to leave soon though, it was Sunday after all. But he couldn't leave just _now_, that was clear. He grinned as he whispered in Ennis's ear :  
"I can't leave now. Feels like we have something to celebrate, don't you agree, Cowboy ..."  
Ennis chuckled, hugged him tighter one tenth of a second and let go of him but ran a thumb down his face and cupped his chin.  
"You bet, Rodeo."

They went upstairs, as always kissing and fighting with each other's clothes before they even reached the middle of the stairs.

**ALMA POV**

She drove home and went right away to the bedroom. Monroe walked in and silently snaked his arms around her just a few seconds later. And finally, then, she allowed herself to let some tears fall. It hadn't been easy, but it had been necessary. She was glad it seemed Jack had a heart, and a heart beating for Ennis. But most of all, she was glad it was over. And so glad Monroe was here for her now. She stopped her tears, let her head fall back against his shoulder and told him that she loved him, and believed him when he whispered back that he knew it. They kept just like that, her hands on his as they rocked to a music only them could hear, by the window, looking at the sky. After all, life wasn't that bad, not that bad at all.

**(*) Author's notes 10:**

I should have looked for a pic for Don, but hell, I'm lazy sometimes ... Any 55/60 years old Cowboy you wanna imagine will do :)

**(*) Author's notes 11:**

Don't feel bad for Jack getting a bit depressed. It was just his turn to get cranky. Ennis had had his turn a few chapters ago, remember? It's just healthy, and nothing bad will come out of it, only good stuff.  
And I know you're wondering why Jack just can't take his ring off. Trust me, I have a good reason for it all, even if it seems strange right now ...

**(*) Author's note 12:**

Well, Alma's right. Of course, there's more to it, huh. So, here it is, my own cute little theory. I added it since in the beginning of chapter 3, because it's where it fits best, but I just copy it here to make it easier for everyone, huh 

***

(Jack remembers their night at the motel. Then comes the time when he says that Lureen thought he would go to see his parents for a few days, and Ennis said that he had told Alma that they were "fishing buddies".)

_Fishing buddies_.  
Those two words bringing on his lips a dreamy smile - because he had recognised them exactly for what they were, as a memory of that summer had flashed in his mind.

Early summer. There had been something wrong with the fresh food Jack had been given, some of it had quickly turned out not to be eatable anymore and Jack had been cursing about having to eat those damn beans again for a few days. Ennis had then mentioned shortly that it was a shame none of them had thought about bringing fishing tools. Then he had smiled that so rare but mindblowing half smile of his as he had made a joke - and even two! : fishing tools would be useless anyway, 'cause Jack would never be able to shut up long enough for a fish to bite - if by any luck there was any fish still around who hadn't been scared away by the sound of his harmonica to begin with, huh ... Jack had laughed, feeling for the second time true silly pure happiness seep through whole of him at Ennis's smile and words. And of course, then he had answered that he would have to go fishing with Ennis once in order to prove him wrong, you bet, anytime, anywhere ... Ennis had just smiled back at him from under his hat, something like "Whatever, Bud" escaping his lips, which had warmed Jack's heart far better than the tiny campfire he had been cooking on – _Bud_. Ennis had called him Bud. Jack hadn't been complaining about the beans later on. For once, as if by magic, they had actually tasted good.

Jack had smiled softly again at the memory.  
"Fishing buddies, huh."

Ennis had just lowered his gaze and let out through clipped lips a simple "Yeah." But it couldn't hide any of it. Jack had known that Ennis remembered too - that Ennis had _never_ forgotten.

***

So, now, you know it all. Keep the secret, of course, huh  I really like it that way, and that it happened then even before they actually got involved ... Made me smile wide like a fool just thinking about it ...


	18. Chapter 17

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT**

**CHAPTER 17: PONDERINGS... MAY 7TH, 1984**

**JACK'S POV**

Jack was back in Childress, in his apartment finally boxes free — sooner than he had thought would be possible after all, he couldn't help but think kind of proudly. He went to bed early — he was still quite exhausted from the short night and the driving the day before. He expected to fall asleep easily, sweet memories of the weekend which had just passed lulling him into a secure sleep…

/

Friday night, both of them finally spent and sated for the time being. Ennis spooning closer against his back and holding him tighter briefly.  
"Missed you."

Jack's heart overflowing just because of those two words, just because Ennis had _said_ them, for once.

Ennis hadn't let him any chance to speak back though as he had started right then to hum that old lullaby in his ears, but Jack had let his Cowboy know that he was thankful nevertheless, squeezing Ennis's arm once before drifting off to sleep, his eyes lost again on "his" shirt (originally Ennis's shirt) hanging on the chair, next to "Ennis's shirt" (originally his) at its other side...

Jack had been surprised when he had first noticed that Ennis had hung up here the shirt he had decided to wear in April, but it sure had felt nice, you bet. It had made him feel _present_ at Ennis's place — it looked as if he just had taken that shirt off, or as if he was going to put it on again in the morning. And it mirrored on the chair his own shirt, the one he had left here (as had become traditional) on his last visit and which he knew Ennis must have been wearing a few times.

Those two reversed "new shirts" echoed the sacred intertwined "old shirts", invisible but kept safe in the nearby closet as if in a temple. Their past and present, both here, both now, existing still, and as strong as ever. So yeah, Jack had really appreciated that simple sight, two shirts hanging from a chair...

And Saturday, he had met the girls! Really MET the girls! Jack hadn't expected it to be so soon and had been surprised some when Ennis had asked him if he felt like taking the girls for an ice cream or something in the afternoon — not only was he gonna meet the girls, but they were going out in a public place! — but of course he had enthusiastically agreed, wanting Ennis to have no doubt about the fact that passing time with his daughters could never feel like a waste of Jack's time, huh.

Jack knew the smile which had got by then on Ennis's face was one of the particular smiles he would never forget, you bet.

They had gone to the nearest phone booth and Ennis had made a call, asking the girls if they had some time after lunch for an ice with their old dad and agreeing for 1 PM. The girls had been waiting outside for him as usual when they had arrived. They had exchanged a long glance when they had realized that someone else was there too, but hadn't questioned more the "Remember Jack? He was in the area for his job and... well, thought it'd be all right... You don't mind, huh?" line Ennis gave them as they got introduced to him once more, just exchanged quickly another glance then smiled to Ennis in that so evidently full of love daughterly way before climbing in the back.

He and Junior had ordered chocolate, Ennis vanilla and Jenny strawberry. Junior was indeed the shy quiet type — so much like her father — so it had been mostly Jenny and him who had taken charge of the conversation. They had talked about his job, then about school, their stepbrothers, the weather, how TV had gone poor since the end of "The Little House on the Prairie" and other little stuff like that.

The girls had been very polite, but curious, no doubt — their attention had been mostly concentrated on him. Jack had felt that Ennis didn't have a problem with it — probably because he was having troubles enough already anyway just trying to appear relaxed and keep breathing anytime the door opened or closed — so Jack had willingly played along.

A few times though, Jack had felt like being X-rayed under their gaze (Junior being more subtle than Jenny about it but somewhat seemingly more determined to see through him right to the core, through some sideway glances he had recognized too well to miss), particularly when Junior had somewhat out of the blue mentioned Bobby...

Jenny had been asking about how it was to be on the road so much, and they all had laughed along when he had given as answers what they all (from experience or instinctively) knew to be jokes more than truths. At some point he had mentioned "being able to listen to his favorite songs for hours" as another positive reason, and Jenny had then naturally switched for a while on their music tastes, talking about that band whose poster was hung up in their room at Ennis', and Junior and Ennis had sort of playfully rolled their eyes (it was obviously a speech they had been through already at least a 1000 times) so Jenny had kept it short, had just leant towards him whispering conspiringly about making a tape for him, to which he had agreed enthusiastically, Jenny being really surprised that he seemed to mean it but somehow beaming. Junior had smiled and had told while winking at her sister that he was brave but might regret it soon enough, then had added more seriously kind of for her sister's sake but her gaze now on him that "after all maybe at least Bobby would like it, he was about the same age as Jenny, right, so…"

By then the ices had been already gone for awhile and replaced by drinks for all of them, and Ennis had sort of nearly choked on his beer at Junior's sort of joke. Silence had seemed to fall icily above them all, and Jack had realized that even though Ennis had apparently mentioned Bobby to the girls, it must have been very rare — and Jack had guessed the truth then: it had most probably been just once, and a long time ago… that day, when they had seen him so shortly for the first time... Jenny though hadn't seemed surprised at all that Junior still remembered it — on the contrary she had been looking at him then even more attentively.

So to end the two-seconds-long-but-heavy-enough-to-be-uncomfortable silence, Jack had told that yeah, Bobby was only a few months younger than Jenny and had automatically opened his wallet to show them the picture of Bobby he always had there (Ennis's one was hidden underneath, so he had known that they wouldn't be able to see it). They had both looked at the picture, then at him, then back at the picture. Jenny had observed that Bobby didn't really looked like him, but that he had his eyes. Jack had smiled softly and had answered that "he had been told that a few times", remembering that it had been Ennis's exacts words too, years ago, when Jack had shown him a picture of Bobby for the first time.

When they had had to part, Jenny had asked him how long the trip back to Texas would take. She had winced when he had told her he would need about 14/15 hours — if he was lucky — and wished him a good trip. Then the girls had got out, walked to the door and waved goodbye while closing it, and Ennis had driven them back at his place.

Ennis had been smiling while driving home, telling twice that it had all gone pretty well. And yeah, Jack had agreed.

But some details of the afternoon wouldn't leave him, and Jack had been wondering silently… The girls… Could they know? _Did_ they know?

Jack had remembered the way they had been looking at him sometimes, sort of with both curiosity and expectations, which seemed a bit too much for an old friend of their father. But then, Jack knew that except from him, Ennis had very little friends — make that none — so maybe that made him mysteriously interesting enough to explain the girls' interest. But he couldn't shake the strange feeling off, and Jack had suddenly realized that what could have been just luck, twice, could truly be something different…

One: even if they had talked about Bobby, the girls had never mentioned Bobby's mother. So yeah thanks God that the girls hadn't been curious about Lureen, but wasn't it kind of odd? Jack after all knew for a fact that he hadn't asked them about boys not only for Ennis's sake but sort of because he hadn't felt like having the question returned too, huh...

Two: when Junior had asked about the trip back to Texas, none of them had then mentioned that it was obviously too late now for him to get on the road if he had such a long way before getting home… It could just be that they had thought that he had planned to make the trip in two days, but what if, huh? …

So … Did women really possess a sixth sense that men didn't, was the so-called feminine intuition actually true?

But then Jack had decided that it shouldn't matter that much in the end. The girls hadn't been looking at him nor at Ennis with despise or hate or anger or anything like that, right… They so evidently adored their father, it was plain enough even for a blind man to see... So _if_ they knew, they seemed to have found some peace with it... So Jack had kept his impressions to himself, not seeing the need to share his thoughts on the matter with Ennis, who wouldn't have liked those thoughts one bit, you bet, huh — Ennis was happy, and Jack wasn't gonna spoil it for him.

And Ennis had been happy, for sure…

Jack smiled dreamily for a while.

/

Jack came out of his memories, still unable to decide if the girls already instinctively knew the truth, but hoping it somehow to be true: Ennis needed his girls, and _if_ they already knew, they sure seemed all right enough with it, so it all wouldn't turn bad when they'd get to know the truth officially, some day.

Jack sighed.

Yeah, _if _he was right, then Ennis was lucky. Jack was sure Bobby had NO idea at all about his love life, and he wasn't sure about how to bring the subject up… He wanted to, of course, but to be honest, he feared it too. And he really didn't want to end up messing Bobby up for too long… With Graduation approaching and all… He would just have to find the right time to share that truth with his son… Only problem was, he had no idea when that time would come…

Exhausted or not, sleep didn't come that easily that night…


	19. Chapter 18

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT ...**

**CHAPTER 18: A TURNING POINT - MAY 31****ST****, 1984**

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis had been looking towards that day for some time already.  
And now the installers were gone and here it was ...  
He had a phone!

He had been thinking about getting one a few months before, when he had realised as Jack's pick-up had got out of his sight that he would surely prefer to have Jack calling him to let him know that he was safely back home instead of waiting the few usual days for a postcard to arrive. They wouldn't need to talk, of course, but just the agreed number of "dring" in the middle of the night would be enough to finally untie the knot in his guts for as long as he thought Jack would be driving.

That had been the original idea, though the official explanation whenever someone would ask was that it was just about damn time, huh.

But now that the phone was here, Ennis realised something else.  
He could hear Jack.

Hear.  
Jack.

So yeah, you bet, he wanted to hear Jack. And he had finally got a phone for Jack, so it made sense that he wanted the first time he used it to be about Jack too, huh ...

Ennis thought about it for a second, then checked the clock and decided it wasn't really risky and just went for it. After all, it was not too late in the afternoon. School and office were surely busy still, huh. No one would be home. But he would hear Jack nonetheless. Ennis knew that they had an answering machine - Jack had mentioned it a few years ago, bitching about the awful long time they had needed to get one simple welcoming message which had sounded good enough for Lureen's standards in the damn thing's memory ...

So yeah ... Jack's voice.  
He would be able to hear Jack's voice.

Ennis composed the phone number he knew by heart even though he had never dialed it before ...  
Drinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng.  
Ennis tried to force his breathing back to normal.  
Drinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng.  
If someone took the phone, he could always just hang up - probably wordlessly, even before the "Sorry, wrong number" line. No big deal anyway, huh.  
Drinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng.  
Ennis held his breath.

A click and yes, a message.  
But not the one he had been expecting, you bet!

_Huh ?????  
What the ...  
_  
Ennis hung up and redialed, this time nervous too but in a totally different way as he waited for the confirmation that he hadn't heard anything wrong.

"(two voices) Hi. Lureen and Bobby aren't home, but leave a message and they'll call you back. (both of them kinda laughing it seemed) Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip."

Bip.  
Ennis hung up once more.

He hadn't heard it wrong.  
Lureen and Bobby.  
_Lureen and Bobby._  
It could only mean one thing, huh ...  
_Jack. Fucking. Twist.  
_  
Ennis couldn't help it.  
He shook his head.  
And then he smiled.

Not for long though, the blood rushing in his veins forcing him quickly out of his reverie. This ... He couldn't just ignore it, wait for Jack's planned next visit to talk about it. No way. This ... It was just ... too big, huh.  
_Guess it's finally my turn to make the trip, Bud. _  
He would call Don early in the morning, take the day off. Like it or not, he couldn't just stay here. He HAD to go. And right now.

Ennis grabbed a few things in a rush, already on his way out in his mind.

Upstairs.  
Some clothes.  
The road map laying on the highest shelf in his closet - the road map he hadn't been able NOT to buy so many years ago (the day his divorce had became official), but which he had NEVER opened.

Bathroom.  
Toothbrush, razor and all ...  
Then his eyes fell on his own new showergel …

- (Yes, shower gel. Ennis had not so long ago run into Jenny in a store while she was looking for a present for Alma's birthday. She had been sniffing on those new bottles of liquid soap when he had walked upon her, and she had asked his opinion on a few scents before making her final choice for her mother (sweet almond). And by the time she had finally found the one she wanted to get for Alma, she had discovered the perfect scents for everyone - except for Greg, he still needed baby neutral products for his fragile skin. Ennis didn't remember the stupid names on the bottles, but he remembered the perfumes Jenny had picked: lemon for Junior, vanilla for herself, lavendel for Matt (because he was having problems falling asleep lately and that it was supposed to be soothing and calming), green tea for Monroe, and yeah, she had even found one for him. At some point, she had sort of squeeled "Dad, this is just sooooooooooooooooooooo you!" with so much delight while handing to him a dark green bottle that he would have probably agreed anyway just to please her. But his little girl had been right, huh. It was called "Pines" (for once, a simple name, and he liked that too, you bet) and smelled kind of like a forest in the early morning. It fitted him somehow, he had to recognise … Most mornings he still used a bar of soap, but once or twice a week, it was a nice smell to get awake to. He had of course Jack's one too, but he never used it in the morning, that one was reserved for evening showers only…) -

… Jack didn't know he had it yet, Ennis had met Jenny in that store after Jack's last visit. But knowing how addicted he had become to Jack's shower gel … Ennis couldn't stop himself, even though he felt _really_ silly: he packed it too. **(*AN 13)**

Then he went back upstairs to take "Jack's shirt" (originally his own) hanging in his bedroom, thinking again that he was probably acting like the most foolish person on Earth, but still wearing one of the widest smile ever on his face anyway.

A quick detour by the kitchen to take some money - the whole old tobacco can hidden at the back of the kitchen cupboard to be honest. It would be a long way, but Ennis knew it would be enough. After all, he had been saving for months now (for a new pick-up he had thought, and that was saying enough, huh, even if he hadn't acknowledged exactly what it meant by then). Well, his old pick-up would have to do. After all, if Jack had been able to drive his old pick-up for years crisscross all across Texas like he had said he had, then his own old pick-up should be enough for _one_ long drive, huh.

Less than ten minutes later, Ennis was on his way to a place he had never been, a place he had for long thought he would never go to, but a place he more than often enough thought about, you bet - Childress.

When he had to stop for gas, Ennis took a moment to open the map and check out the road he would have to follow. He memorized it and went back on the road. He kept driving in silence, not wanting to realise the time passing by, which he would unconsciously if the old cracking radio was on, eyes on the road, playing the itinerary over and over in his mind in order not to have to think on anything else, and especially not about what he was doing.

The sun set as he neared the Colorado border, but he took no time enjoying its beauty, the only thing he could focus on, no matter what, being getting to Jack, and as fast as he could, as it had always been the case while driving to any of their trips. He drove further, not stopping for more than a few minutes for gas and something to eat and drink. He passed Denver, realised it was past twelve already and decided he should take some rest - falling asleep behind the wheel would certainly do no good to anyone, huh - parked his pick-up in some kind of a field (not in order to save some money, but because he hadn't wanted to take a room and risk sleeping longer than the necessary minimum) and slept 'till the sun came up and awoke him. He couldn't really remember what he had been dreaming about, but he had the fuzzy happy yet peaceful feeling in his guts which he knew by now meant he must have been dreaming about Jack. It made some sense too: he hadn't slept in a car since, well, since the night they just had met, huh ... And he knew that it had been his last conscious thought before closing his eyes yesterday too …

_Jeez, Del Mar, feeling foolishly mushy all over again ???!!! _

_Well, yeah. And if I have my say in it, I'll stay that way now for a long, long time. So shut up and get used to it already._

Ennis stepped out of the car to stretch some, numb muscles suddenly unpleasantly tingling from having to work again and joints cracking - Jeez, he felt like Hell, you bet. He climbed back in, stopped by the first gasoline station he passed, yawned finally for the last time as he drank some tasteless coffee and ate some tasteless cookies which strangely tasted just fine though, then went to freshen up and change at the toilets. He felt better after some cold water on his skin and with fresh clothes on. Then he got back on the road, hours ticking without him noticing.

He had to stop for a while though in the beginning of the afternoon somewhere in New Mexico, the engine getting too close to its red zone - and he surely didn't want it to fall dead on him today, you bet. He used the necessary pause to eat some, and went back on the road right when it seemed the engine had cooled down enough. It felt fucking hot in the car by now, even with the windows open and all, his clothes were sticking to the seat from his sweat, everywhere, making it all just that worse.

Then: Texas.  
Ennis couldn't decide if he was about to sigh with relief or stop breathing from the stress about what he was going to do _soon _then. He bit his inner cheek nervously, but his right foot pressed the gas pedal a bit harder nonetheless.

And finally, there was that board - Childress !!!!  
And something Ennis hadn't thought about sort of crashed down upon him: it was nice to have arrived at last … except that truth be told he wasn't in fact _arrived_ yet!

Ennis knew Jack's address by heart, of course, but it did him little good, as it didn't give him any clue about how to drive there, huh … He suddenly remembered Jack and his "10 people", and finally realised that it was indeed necessary to ask for help in a strange town, address known or not…

Anyway, he wasn't going to that address, it wasn't Jack's place anymore, so… Ennis stopped by a phone booth, grabbed the phone book and looked at Twist, not thinking it could be the solution (he couldn't imagine Jack being divorced and not telling anything for _years_, huh) but deciding it was worth the try anyway. But indeed, unsurprisingly, it was still Jack's old address and phone number which were noted in it…

Ennis chewed automatically on his thumb … He would go to Newsome's then. He wasn't sure it was the best thing to do - he sure didn't want to walk into Lureen. Not that she could know who he was anyway, of course, but he had seen a picture of Lureen, so he would recognise her, and having to see her face to face surely felt like some position he really didn't want to put himself into.

He couldn't help though to feel warmer a bit as he remembered how he had come to see that picture, long ago, on their first trip. He had been asking Jack about Bobby, and Jack had then opened his wallet and showed him a photo. Ennis had noted that he didn't look that much like Jack, but that he had his eyes. Jack had shrugged some, saying in a neutral tone that nearly every white baby had blue eyes anyway. Ennis hadn't been able to let it at that. It wasn't the color which said it the most anyway, but the shape, and the way they seemed to mirror the baby's thoughts, honest and easy to read. That much he hadn't been able to tell though, and he had just settled for a firm "Still, that child's got your eyes, Bud" while handing Jack his wallet back … Next to Bobby's photo, there had been another one, of a woman who fitted the "prettiest gal in Childress" description enough to be Lureen. He had seen a few other photos of Bobby in their twenty years, but he hadn't been able not to notice by the second time he was shown one of them that there was no picture of Lureen anymore in Jack's wallet. He hadn't commented upon, of course, but he had guessed it made sense. Jack knew he had him back by then, and the vacant place next to Bobby's photo was telling enough whose photo Jack would have liked to have there, if it so apparently wasn't Lureen's. And even if Ennis had acted as though there had been nothing to notice, he had liked that little fact somehow far more than he had thought he should have, huh …

So yeah, he still remembered that only glance of Lureen good enough to recognise her easily enough, you bet, and he wasn't looking forward to even a chance of seeing her from closer than from that tiny image in his mind. But he couldn't see any other way to get to Jack, and if he had finally found the guts to get 'till Childress, he wasn't going back now like a dog with its tail between its legs without having his suppositions proved right, huh … He could just wait outside somewhere until he saw Jack, that was all … Yeah, in the end, that was the only thing to do.

Ennis got out of the phone booth then - Newsome's was famous enough surely for the people to be able to tell him where it was without needing the address, huh. He went to eat quickly in the first diner he saw, and asked the waitress for directions when he was finished. She didn't think surprised or anything - after all, Ennis had the ranch worker look, so it all just made sense, probably. She gave him the information he needed, he gave her an extra tip - nothing too big but just enough to be more than the usual - thanked her and left.

His heart didn't seem to be able to stop pounding suddenly as he reached his car, and he recognised it for what it was all too well. It wasn't fear, or angst, no matter what he was going to do now. It was just pure excitement, knowing that he was going to see Jack again. It had always felt the same, since that awfully long day by the window in '67 - wondering if Jack was really coming, but most of all, most of all… just longing and yearning for another glimpse of Jack, finally.

Finding Newsome's didn't turn out too difficult, the waitress had been very precise with her indications. Ennis took a look, saw that Jack's pick-up wasn't here and guessed that Jack was still on the road, then parked - not in front of the entrance but not too far either - and waited… It was Friday, so no matter if Jack had made a tour in the area or a days long business trip, he _would_ get back today.

Ennis just had to wait. And if Jack had been able to wait for him since forever, huh, then Ennis could easily wait for a few hours once more…

**(*) Author's note 13:**

Feel free to share your scents huh, I'm curious !!!  
And if making the confession first makes it easier to spill your guts, here are mine ...  
I mostly use sweet almond or lemony things for a morning shower. I sometimes use too "sea" scented stuff - not too often because I find it too manly, but once in a while, it's fine - maybe when I miss the sea too much, deep within, and no matter if in fact those things never really smell like the sea, it still makes me feel good, in a weird way … (But he, I never pretended I was sane, huh J)  
If I take a bath (which happens twice or thrice a year max), then it's green tea – it smells like the stuff my mom used to have my sister and me bath into as a child … (there are some scents you just never forget, huh)  
For an evening shower, I have a huge thing for heavy strong vanilla. I love it on my husband's skin too, you bet. *blush* (I trust you to keep my naughty secret secret! LOL)  
And I can't bear any roses or red/pink fruit scented stuff, provokes sort of a repulsive physical reaction between headache and feeling like throwing up.


	20. Chapter 19

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT …**

**CHAPTER 19: HEARTBREAK - JUNE 1****ST****, 1984**

**LUREEN POV**

She could have so easily NOT seen him, really ...

She was going out after a long day at the office (Friday was her usual organizing day), was a bit tired and longed for one thing only : a relaxing warm shower, before deciding what she would cook for the evening meal.

But then fate intervened, somehow.

Someone klaxonned while driving by. By the time she looked up to see who it was, (Rick Nichols (***AN 14**), she could tell from the car), one hand was waving out of the window, and she waved back, following the car with her eyes. And when the car was reaching the corner of the street, suddenly, there HE was.

She didn't know what exactly had made her stay frozen where she stood. The only thing she really saw first was just the profile of a man smoking against his truck, face invisible, head turned towards the road - automatic response to the car's klaxon. Nothing exceptionnal, really. Nothing that should have get her attention from that distance.

So, was it simply the blond short curly hair visible under the hat? Or the squarred patterned shirt, even though it was not the same one as the one on that photo she had seen months ago? Was it the combination of the 2? Or was it simply that she had been sort of waiting somehow for him to come here for so long that it all just had made sense at once? But it took her only an instant to realise that HE was here, indeed.

And when she had been able to distinguish some of his features as he had resumed his smoking, she hadn't really been surprised to have the proof that she was right.

Ennis Del Mar.  
In Childress.

The fact that he was here and not at Jack's was proof enough that he hadn't been told anything yet - he was manifestly still clueless about Jack's new place - but that he had probably guessed anyway that they were by now divorced or something along that line - after all, he hadn't gone to the address he had believed 'till now to be "home", and even though some part of her mind shouted then at her that there were probably A LOT of other reasons for him not to go "home" anyway, the simple fact that he was here, that he had made the long drive, for once, after all those years, made only sense if he had realised that something had happened - something big enough to make him cross 3 states. She knew for sure it had never happened before, so ...

Before she really realised what she was actually doing, she was walking towards him. Then his eyes fell on her as she approached, and she could swear she heard his breathing stop as he blanched some. So ... No presentations needed it seemed. He apparently knew who she was too good enough. He was still looking at her through frozen eyes when she came to a halt at his side.

It felt surreal. She had been thinking about seeing him for so long, and here he was, huh… But the words came out naturally - she had maybe gone through enough (concious and uncouscious) rehearsal in her head - and she was glad to notice that her voice sounded strong and clear in her ears.

"I've told him you'd come, one day…"

His jaw seemed to fall to the floor, just like in a Tex Avery cartoon. He didn't look like being able to speak any time soon, so she went on, asking right away the only thing she really needed to know.

"You're here, so… It means something, right?"

His gaze finally got free of hers and fell to the floor as he cleared his voice. His hands hooked themselves in his back pockets - natural gesture because he needed some kind of support or because he didn't know what else to do with them, she couldn't tell - then he brought his eyes back up and answered shortly but in a tone that said so much more than the two barely more than whispered words.

"Guess so."

And strangely maybe, the most important thing she felt right then was _relief_. No hate, no anger, no jealousy… but relief. She knew Jack had been waiting for something - anything - to happen, all those years. And she knew Jack had seemed more happy those last months than he had been, well, in ages, and she knew that the man in front of her now was the reason for it all. So having HIM aknowledging that the fact that he was here had a meaning, well, yeah… no matter all the rest, mostly, she was glad for Jack.

She nodded. She wasn't able though to leave it at that. After all, if he had been able to move his ass out of his little corner of Wyoming about twenty years ago, it would have spare her - and a lot of other people - a lot of heartache, for sure.

"About time, if I may."

She saw him flinch some and his eyes dropped once more to the floor, but still, he just agreed, kind of wincing as he let out another :

"Guess so."

Well, it looked like she wasn't going to get a lot more out of him than two words in a row. It surprised her some, maybe she had been expecting to face someone who talked easily, no matter the situation - someone like Jack, huh. But that didn't really bother her. The way he said those words again was telling loud enough what she had been hoping to hear anyway.

Another car drove by, and he seemed glad with the diversion - he had troubles looking in her eyes for too long, and he apparently tried hard enough not to keep his eyes riveted to the floor either, so yeah…

It was odd. He was the one looking out of place, vulnerable, and she seemed to be the strong one, the one in control of her ground – speak of some reversed world, knowing who had won it all in truth ... But well, so was it, and she surely preferred him acting that way than being cocky or anything else. He had made _a lot_ of bad choices in his life, sure, but he wasn't a bad person it seemed. And again, for that, well, she was glad for Jack.

She took her key of Newsome's out and handed it to him.

"Take this. Just put it in the mailbox later on, so that I'll have it for Monday morning."

The way he looked at her then could have been funny - he would have seemed less surprised if she had just announced to him that she came from another planet while stepping out of her UFO. But of course, in the universe they lived in, she wasn't able to smile. So she just pushed on, talking with as much authority as she could gather while putting the key in his hand.

"Don't look at me that way. You just had a very long drive, and honestly, you kinda look like Hell. Just get inside, make some coffee, rest some… Jack won't be here for a few hours, I just spoke to him on the phone."

She released his hand and started to turn away when she heard him clear his voice again.

"Lureen ..."

They had been - consciously or not - avoiding 'till now the use of their names, so it felt strange to hear it fall. But she liked it, somehow. Some recognition. She turned back to him. She didn't like though the way he looked at her now. He looked ... sorry, and that, she couldn't take. She was playing nice, she was playing strong, and she really didn't want his simpathy, or worse, his pity, no thanks.

"Don't! You're not."  
She realised her tone had been harder than she had intended and pursued more neutrally.  
"At least, not really."

And after some time, he just agreed, nodding some.

"Tell him I'll see him on Monday."

It had got out instinctively. The one thing she really didn't want right now was for Jack to get all concerned and give her a call or anything, right. She needed some serious alone time. A little voice in her head whispered that this little security trick was maybe more because she was afraid that Jack _wouldn't_ check on her than because she wasn't sure that she could deal with his concern for now. She couldn't decide what the truth was. But she realised it was time for her to leave, before her facade would break apart. She heard him telling he'd pass the message along, and she started to turn away once more.

He quickly but clearly whispered one more word.

"Thanks."

Not "Thank you", so it sounded casual enough to be just about the key, but she felt there was a lot more behind it - "for taking care of him when I couldn't", "for loving him enough to be that decent towards me", "for letting him go and not making it as difficult as you would have some damn right to", and anything along those lines ...

She nodded, firmly enough for him to know she had heard him. Then she walked back to her car.

She didn't glance back once.

**ENNIS POV**

Of course, he knew who she was the moment he noticed her approaching. No doubt possible, no matter if the color of her hair wasn't matching the photo he remembered so vividly.

But what he hadn't anticipated was that it felt like she knew who he was too - she looked too determined to be just about to ask something to a total stranger - and he realised in a flash then that she must know it all then. If she was able to recognise him, then she had seen his picture. And the only pictures Jack had of him were the ones from that photo booth Jack had more or less shoved him into last January (***AN 15**). And if she had seen one of those pictures, then Jack must have showed it to her on purpose, huh…

It all clicked in place. Yeah, you bet, she knew enough. At least since January, but he guessed even longer… And though the fact that Jack still had his two legs to walk on and the fact that Jack had obviously received the cards he had sent then at _her_ place felt somehow reassuring, Ennis had really no idea what was coming at him now, and fast.

But Lureen was now in front of him, arms crossed over her belly as she looked at him straight in the eyes, no escaping.

"I've told him you'd come, one day…"

Well, that one was something he hadn't been expecting, for sure!

So he couldn't tell at first which was the stronger feeling - surprise, because obviously she knew it all indeed, yet wasn't attacking him with a lionness' fury? Relief, because he had anticipated a lot of other words than those to fall out of her mouth? Joy, and some sense of rightness, because - most important thing in the end - he had guessed right, and Jack apparently wasn't hers anymore?

And that was something he didn't know how to answer… But before he could make up his mind, she went on.

"You're here, so… It means something, right?"

There was something in her voice which he hadn't expected either but which he couldn't deny. First, it sounded like she _wanted_ it to mean something. Secondly, she was obviously _very protective_ of Jack - the tone she had spoken with sounded like a warning - sort of "you better make him happy or you'll get to deal with me".

So no matter how surprised he was by the way the conversation was turning, he had to met her eyes and confess, huh.

"Guess so."

She nodded.

"About time, if I may."

The tone was a blow. He winced some, not because of her tone but because he knew well enough that it was the truth indeed.

"Guess so."

He welcomed the car which passed by right then, it gave him something to look at for a moment. He heard a clinging noise and before he could realise what it was, there was a key extended in front of him!

"Take this. Just put it in the mailbox later on, so that I'll have it for Monday."

That probably did it. He would _never_ understand women, for sure. She couldn't be that… what… that comprehensive, that unselfish, that _nice_…

"Don't look at me that way. You just had a very long drive, and honestly, you kinda look like Hell. Just get inside, take some coffee, rest some… Jack won't be here for a few hours, I just spoke to him on the phone."

She catched his hand and put the key he was apparently unable to take in it.

So, yeah, she was that it seemed… And even more, huh… And though he was truly happy (to be here, to have come - for once, to realise that what he had guessed was indeed the truth, to know that Jack was indeed coming soon - ok, maybe not soon, but soon enough - to know that he was going to be with Jack for a few days ...), he couldn't not realise what it all meant. She DID love Jack, for sure. So he couldn't help but feel really sorry for her having to go through this in such a gentle way when she most probably just felt like ripping his eyes out of their sockets and eating his heart raw.

"Lureen…"

A flash of anger then in her eyes, message more than clear : don't you dare.

"Don't! You're not."  
Her eyes a bit softer again.  
"At least, not really."

And well, he couldn't deny it.  
He was sorry for a lot of things, sure, but he could never be sorry for the most important thing, he would never be sorry for Jack loving him…

"Tell him I'll see him on Monday."

It was an order. And he got it. She knew Jack good enough to guess that once the happy surprise of his coming over would have settled he would feel guilty some and would like to make sure that she was all right enough, but she needed time. So he agreed.

"All right."

She was done it seemed 'cause she turned to leave. And if he wasn't allowed to apologise, then he was probably allowed to thank her. He kept it short, but she seemed to understand that he was thanking her for a lot more than just for the office's key, because she couldn't get her eyes back to him as she nodded to let him know she had heard him and accepted it.

Then she was gone, leaving him still stunned somewhat on the sidewalk.

And as he watched her walk back to her car and drive away without glancing back, he realised how really much like Jack she was in some ways. He knew Jack had met her on the rodeo circuit, but only now did he understand what it meant. They DID match, somehow. They had the same fire, the same need to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. It made a lot of sense that she had used to barrel race - Hell, he guessed she wouldn't have hesitated one second before getting on a bull either, had she been allowed to, huh… No wonder Bobby liked to play football, with the genes he had got from both his parents ...

**LUREEN POV**

She guessed she had done well, all considering. At least, she had been strong enough to keep it all in. No tear, no shout, no nothing, just nice and decent, that was good. Breaking down in Jack's arms as she had done once or twice, well, she could live with it, but she wouldn't have forgive herself if she had shed a single tear in front of _him_.

The tears had come though, and they sure didn't seem to want to stop now. It had started in the car, and had only got worse when she had entered the security of her home. She was still curled up on herself on the floor against the front door. She knew Bobby had planned to eat out with his friends, and was grateful for the freedom it gave her to let her feelings just run out.

She was happy for Jack, truly. It was what he had been hoping for since forever after all ... But it didn't really made _her_ feel any better, unfortunately.

It hurt, she couldn't deny it.  
She had often imagined how it would be like to finally meet _him_, but she hadn't been really prepared for it after all.

Seeing _him_… She knew, and for years, yeah, but still, maybe somewhere, a part of her 'till then had just refused the truth. But now, seeing _him_… It hadn't all been a bad dream, nor some sick tricks of her imagination. He wasn't anymore a name on a postcard, or a shadow in her mind, or even a face on a picture. He was flesh and bones solid, and present, and HERE.

He was _real_, finally.

_The one Jack loved. _  
_The one Jack had always loved._

So yeah, of course it hurt, and bad, you bet. Knowing something and actually experiencing it were two very different things, for sure…

Would it have hurt less if it had been another woman? Or would it have been worse? She sighed. She couldn't imagine. So she couldn't decide, and didn't really care anyway. Jack wasn't hers, that was the only thing that counted. Jack had never really been hers. The tears welled up once more.

She knew why.

She loved him. Still. No matter what. Since the moment she had met him, she had wanted him to be hers. And that had never changed.

And he had always been such a huge part of her life.

And, of course, she had always needed him.

Her apparent strength and authority had always been mostly a way to cover up the fact that she had problems dealing with real problems. In fact, she even tended to avoid them. Or worse, just focus on the bright sides and ignore the darker ones if needed. And if she ignored them long enough, then maybe they would just disappear.

So Jack… He had always been good at taking care not only of her, but of her problems. All those years, he had offered her his support. Telling to his father things she wouldn't dare. Finding the patience she didn't possess to speak to Bobby's teachers. Taking the time she thought she had to spend on the office to help Bobby with his dyslexia. She loved her son, no doubt, but she knew that she had always preferred to deal with the nice happy stuff, and that she had been glad to let any kind of problems fall on Jack's strong shoulders.

So, on the technical sides of the perfect marriage code, he had maybe been a better husband than she had been a wife. They had gone through good times, and through less good times, but no matter how many times a week they had argued - make it none at all to at least thrice a day - she had always known that she could trust him to take care of about everything. And Jack had never let her down.

Not even when she had used to turn into some kind of harpy, whenever she would see a man looking at Jack in a way that she didn't like, even when Jack apparently hadn't noticed any of it (and probably then because there was in fact nothing to notice to begin with - she knew that she had grown overreactive on that matter, and that probably most of the glances she had used to interpret in a wrong way were honestly not at all what she had taken them for too).

And not even now, in fact.

They were divorced, yeah, but in fact, little had changed, except the fact that he wasn't living under the same roof as hers. They worked together, he went to Bobby's matches, she made sure that the fridge and the cupboards were full enough for one (instead of two) never full enough stomach. Jack even came once in a while to eat with her on Friday, knowing it to be Bobby's usual evening out and not wanting her to get lonely. So they were apart, but he was still _around_. And she liked it that way.

She knew it was wrong, of course. She knew Jack wasn't going to come back to her - she never really had him to begin with anyway. She knew Jack cared, and wanted to help her for as long as necessary - be it for the job or anything else. But she knew the plan was to get enough clients in Colorado to open a subsidiary company there. She knew the plan was one day to get to live there with Ennis, if he only wanted to.

She knew it, yeah. But seeing Ennis here… Things were changing, for sure, and what she had 'till now considered as a very far away future seemed to be coming too quickly. And she was realising that in a way, no matter how long it would take, she would always find it too quickly. The thing was, even if she knew it all, she just wasn't ready to let Jack go ...

Well, she should start working on herself then, huh. The sooner, the better. Jack would leave, one day. And she loved him enough to be happy for him when that day would come. But she had to prepare herself, to learn not to depend on him for every trouble, little or big. She had no other choice. She knew it was the only healthy path too anyway. Let Jack go. Find her strenght. Make place maybe one day in her heart, in her life, for someone who would be able to love her the way Jack just couldn't. It made sense, sure, it was a good plan. But it was easier said than done, huh… She had first to deal with the pain she was feeling now, and this was the first thing in a long while Jack wouldn't be able to do for her…

**(*) Author's note 14:**

Rick Nichols was mentioned already in chapter 12, for those who would want to remember who the hell that is, little excerpt :)

Jack went on on a conspirational tone, he just liked teasing her. Of course, it wasn't as much fun as teasing Ennis, but well, it was fun enough.  
"Don't pretend you haven't noticed about James. He's always so ... weird around you. And what about Rick Nichols ? You think he's coming that often to the office - not calling, coming – to ask us to check his father's machines - which are just fine all the time - just because of my lovely blue eyes?"

**(*) Author's note 15:**

Cf chapter 13


	21. Chapter 20

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT …**

**CHAPTER 20: THE MOST UNEXPECTED VISIT... — JUNE 1ST, 1984**

**JACK POV**

It was pretty late when Jack parked his car near the office door. His trip hadn't gone bad, but the biggest client he had planned to see had canceled their meeting of yesterday via his secretary, and he hadn't been able to get the man on the line since. He knew it could be something personal and didn't want to appear too pushy — it rarely helped anyway — but if he still hadn't been able to get in touch at the end of next week, he would have to stop by on his way to Ennis, telling he was passing by anyway.

Jack took his files out and went to the door. He always passed by the office returning from a trip since he and Lureen didn't live together anymore, no matter how late it was. That way, she always had everything up to date. He had now nothing particular planned yet for Monday morning, but you never knew, so …

Jack suddenly noticed that the lights were still on and sighed. Overwork was good, of course, but when it turned out to become your only hobby it wasn't healthy. He had told Lureen he would be late, and she shouldn't be wasting her Friday night waiting for him. How was she going to start a new life if she passed all her free time at the office, huh... She would probably have made up a good excuse or tell him that she didn't bother... but HE bothered.

He opened the door.

"Lu, I've told you not to w—"

_Ennis?_

Jack blinked. Then… _nothing_. He was unable to do anything — move, talk, breathe, everything turned out impossible. The only thing he could still do was staring wide eyed at the man leaning against his desk, arms crossed.

Then panic hit as the shock receased, making it even worse. There was some sound echoing from the floor and Jack realized he had let his files fall, but he couldn't care. Something must be wrong, really wrong. Their next meeting was planned for just over two weeks, so what in Hell could have happened which would make his Cowboy come over HERE (!) out of thin air? The only thing Jack could think of was that something must have happened to the girls. And there was just NO WAY he would ever be able to give voice to such a thought.

But then Jack realized that Ennis was smiling. Actually no, correct that, Ennis was _grinning_. And a grinning Cowboy was a very pleased Cowboy, Jack knew that well enough.

"Yeah, it's me, Bud. You ain't seeing any spook."

His lungs and legs and hands finally seemed to find again their working manual as Jack released the breath he had been holding since he had passed the treshold, crossed the few meters separating them at lightspeed and took his Cowboy in a giant bear hug.

"Ennis. Fucking. Del Mar."

Ennis chuckled — he apparently didn't bother that Jack had used his line, huh. It made sense after all, in a geometric mirror way.

"All those years and you're still able to surprise me, huh."

Their eyes met, and both pairs were smiling. It didn't matter that it felt surreal — his dreamed world squeezed in his everyday life world. It didn't matter that something somewhere was still tugging at his brain. Ennis was all right, and Ennis was HERE. Nothing else mattered.

"Well, I can say the same, huh... (Ennis gently messed up his hair.) Jack Fucking Twist! Were you ever gonna tell me?"

Jack was still too lost in disbelief (ENNIS WAS HERE!) and pure joy (ENNIS WAS HERE!) for his brain to work at its normal speed it seemed, 'cause that made very little sense. Ennis must have realized Jack wasn't following him cause he shook his head playfully and sighed while leaning back against the desk, hands gripping the edge automatically.

Ennis eyed him seriously then, and let out huskily :  
"I got a phone, Jack."

"Yeah?"

Another surprise, but Jack liked that piece of news too — he guessed he was probably the one for whom Ennis would ever want to have his own phone to begin with, huh...

"You'll have to give me the …"

_Click. _

His brain was now working again.

Long story gone short: Ennis had found out that he was divorced!

(The only phone number Ennis had was now Lureen's one, and even though Jack knew his Cowboy had surely called at an hour where no one would be home, he knew that the answering message had been changed and that it would be a more than good enough clue.)

And one : Ennis wasn't pissed about it, so he must have decided that Jack had had good reasons to keep it secret. He surely wanted to know what those reasons were and Jack would have to explain himself, but Ennis at least believed it was nothing bad.

And two : ENNIS WAS HERE!

So Jack then smiled one of the brightest softest smiles he had ever smiled as he brought their foreheads together.

"And so... You came?"

Ennis nodded.

Then, even better, Ennis talked.

"Huh huh... Didn't really thought about it. Just grabbed a few things (Jack suddenly noticed there was a bag too on the desk) and then I was suddenly half way to Colorado, huh... (pause) Felt right, you know... And nice … _Knowing that you were free... free to be mine..._ (another pause) Couldn't do anything else anyway, really... _I had some time to think it over while waiting for you and I guess..._ Remember... Told you... what it meant for me... that day when you turned up and... (sigh) I guess I HAD, I mean I WANTED, to make my point to you too... (letting his hand run down Jack's jaw) I want you to known that I mean it all too, Bud."

Jack was speechless for a while — there were just NO words which would be able to translate the overwhelming _everything_ he was feeling right now, but his eyes were speaking loud and clear enough it seemed, 'cause Ennis was smiling at him again now.

Jack moved closer, and kissed Ennis gently.

"Thank you Cowboy."

Another kiss, hands moving up until they were in Ennis's hair.

"Love you Ennis."

Another kiss, much more fierce this time, hands locking and pulling, mouth urgent and claiming, body pressing and demanding, triggering the response he craved from his Cowboy — two firm hands on his jaw, a possessive mouth against his own and a rock hard body who would lock him against the wall any moment.

And suddenly, the odd feeling which had been gnawing at his brain became clear — Ennis had been waiting for him IN THE OFFICE. Jack loosened his grip and the kissing stopped.

"You've seen Lureen!"

It wasn't a question, and Ennis made some gesture in the air with his hands before confirming what he already knew to be the truth.

"Actually, SHE saw me. I was waiting for you parked down the lane and suddenly she was standing in front of me. And she knew who I was, that was clear too, huh."

"How did it go?"

She had given Ennis the key to the office, so it must have gone all right, but Jack just HAD to ask.

Ennis sighed.

"Much, much better than I EVER would have thought possible. And much, much better than I probably deserve, huh."

Jack shook his head and squeezed his Cowboy closer briefly.

"Ennis…"

They both were without doubt really lucky bastards to have had such real jewels as wifes. And of course they both were on a huge guilt trip whenever they thought about this aspect of their relation. But the blame for Lureen was on him, not Ennis.

So Jack grabbed the phone and started to dial his ex-home number.

"Just to check that she's ok…"

The first "driiiiiing" echoed in his ears. Then Ennis used his thumb to replace the handset and the line went dead.

"She doesn't want you to, Bud. (pause) She told me. (pause) Just let her some time."

"All right. (pause, putting the handset down and realizing that he had just kind of pushed ENNIS to the side for Lu's sake — ENNIS, who had just told him some things he had always dreamed to hear and made the long trip he had never believed he would do) Sorry."

Jack went to collect the folders from the floor and put them on Lureen's desk.

"It's fine, Bud. Of course you care. And I messed things up."

Jack slammed himself right back into Ennis's arms.

"No. You made me happy Cowboy. Real happy. And I'm gonna show you just how much very soon."

Then Jack kissed Ennis in a way which had them both panting in no time.

"This was just an introduction. Let's go."

Jack took Ennis's bag on his shoulder, Lureen's key in one hand and Ennis's hand in the other. He locked the door with Lureen's key, put it in the mailbox, then guided Ennis to his car. It was quiet outside, already far into the evening, so the offices were since long deserted and the only living souls in the area at this time were just the cats looking for something to eat — and Ennis just let his hand in Jack's one until they reached the car. Jack liked that little fact very, _very_ much.

**ENNIS POV**

Jack spoke only three words while starting the engine :"About fifteen minutes". They shared a glance — past and present once more juxtaposed, them 17 years ago, them now, them, just them, together — then Jack pressed the gas. They were both silent for a while, no word needed, just enjoying the feeling of being reunited again.

Jack had that kind of glow, the kind of glow Ennis had used to live for but had seen only a few times in so many years (and most of them quite recently), the kind of glow which had used to make him feel so good in a king of the world way yet so bad as it just tear him apart to shred, knowing that it was a glimpse of happiness which would stay just this — a glimpse. But now the bright warm feeling had won over the shadows, and knowing — _seeing_ — that Jack was just happy, really happy, truly happy, and even better, knowing that he was the one who had made him that happy to begin with, Ennis sure was really, truly just happy too, you bet.

It was hard though to be looking at Jack's dreamy smiling profile for too long without being overwhelmed by the need to claim the man right here and now, and as they were driving through the city it just wasn't an option, huh. Ennis's gaze shifted to Jack's hands on the wheel, but that turned out to get too much too when Jack needed to shift gears and that his hand got on the clutch. Damn, it should be funny, the way his body reacted to any little insignificant movement Jack made, if it wasn't that kind of frustrating right now, huh...

"By the way, to answer your question, I WAS going to tell you. (pause) This summer."

And Ennis realized three things. One, it made sense, and even though it didn't explain everything, for now it was enough. Two, he just knew that Jack was telling the simple truth — it would have been the perfect place for another start kind of thing. And three, he liked the fact that Jack had been planning to tell it all a lot. He smiled.

Then he couldn't stop a quick chuckle as he tried to imagine Jack breaking that piece of news to him in the middle of nowhere. He just had to tease Jack some.

"Oh, so you were going for the smart move, Bud, huh..."

Jack laughed, a sound Ennis could never get enough of.

"(teasing back) Maybe. (more seriously) But it's not the only reason. You know, us in the wild..."

They shared another glance, and Ennis thought once more that the trip was far too long for fifteen little minutes. They turned a corner, and finally, thanks, Jack parked the car in a free spot along the road.

It was Friday night, and though it was past eleven now most of the lights in the neighboorhood were still on. A man was walking his dog nearby it seemed. Jack sighed and kind of reluctantly handed his car keys to Ennis.

"So… Second building down the street, you'll see where I go in. Number 24. Second floor."

"Bud…"

"It's not about you. Just… not here."

Ennis understood — he knew Jack didn't really care for himself about what other people thought, so if it wasn't about him, the only reasons left were Lu and Bobby, and Ennis then could only agree — they shouldn't get to suffer from any gossip they may cause, huh … It was for the same reason that he had come up with the 'Not in Riverton rule' after all …

So Ennis nodded.  
Then Jack took Ennis's bag with him and went out. (***AN 16**)

Ennis watched where Jack went in, then got out and closed the car. He pressed the "24" button, there was a buzz and he pushed the door open. He took the stairs instead of the elevator (those things were generally damn too long to arrive anyway) until the second floor, saw Jack had left the door ajar — another glimpse of '67 — and walked in.

He was pushed back against the door and he heard it closing behind him just before Jack started kissing him desperately.

When the kiss ended Jack flashed him a sexy grin then started leading him by his shirt down the corridor, their eyes never leaving each other as Jack jokingly informed him along the way, one finger pointing "kitchen", "living", "bath", "toilets" as they went — an allusion to Jack's first visit at Ennis and its lack of "tour of the house" which just made Ennis grin back.

Then it was "bedroom", which door was already open (just as every door in the apartment probably, because it wasn't really dark in the corridor) and Jack turned them around so that he was now pushing Ennis towards the bed, grin still in place as he started opening the shirts's buttons.

"Now, let me show you exactly how happy you made me, Cowboy, huh…"

Jack gave one last playful push and Ennis landed on the bed and stayed there, grinning still and enjoying the show as Jack quickly took his shirt off and tossed it aside without leaving his gaze.

Then Jack climbed up the bed, the usual hungry sexy ferocious glint in his eyes as he moved upon him until their eyes and grins were levelled while he blindly opened the drawer of his nightstand and let something drop on the bed.

"Ennis."

Jack dove down for a quick kiss, and as his eyelids closed for an instant, Ennis had his usual thought in that kind of moment.

There he was, once more. Under Jack.

Ennis normally always fought to be the one on top. Not that he always succeeded, of course — not as a kid, and still not as an adult. But Ennis had fought enough, against K.E. as a child and against whoever crossed his path on a bad mood day, with or without a real reason, to know that he _hated_ being the one under. Weak and ready to get bruised, that was what being the one under meant. But being under Jack, that was... something else. It wasn't something too frequent between them — Ennis liked to be on top of Jack far too much too — but there always came a time when Ennis would just _need_ it and let Jack have the lead. Like now. Because being under Jack... There was absolutely nothing wrong about being under Jack — it always felt like the safest place to be.

Ennis's hand blindly found Jack's upper arm and squeezed it, wordlessly asking for more — by now no fighting instinct nor shyness like the first time he had found himself in that too well known yet new position (under Jack) and had realized he liked it.

Their eyes met. And then, yes, oh yes, then, Jack's lower belly hit his own as Jack laid himself down on him, sending sparks like fireworks through his spine. Jack's weight on top of him, a pleasure in its own. Jack, kissing him once more as he pressed himself upon him, hard, all over, against him, but never agressive, just a promise about what was to come, an invitation to come out and play, maddening, just maddening, and an invitation Ennis could _never_ deny. (***AN 17**)

Ennis got his hands to Jack's face and held it at the angle he preferred as he finally took control of the kiss and delved hungrily into Jack's mouth, the moan Jack let out then reverberating deliciously all the way down his spine and making something clench in his lower belly in the best way possible, knowing Jack was _his_, his and _only his_ now. And Ennis couldn't resist the urge to lay his claim, you bet.

Ennis rolled them until he got on top, Jack moaning once more as he took his turn in being pinned against the mattress. One of Ennis's hands traveled down Jack's body until it snaked between them and stroked Jack for a while, alterning from light caresses to stronger ones in the irregular no real pattern rhythm which always made Jack both kind of beg and demand for more as he moaned into the kiss and locked his hands in his hair as he pushed himself up against his hand.

Ennis's hand moved up again to work on the button and zipper, then Ennis licked his way down Jack's chest as he took Jack pants and underwear down with his hands, Jack surrendering to him with a shiver and a teasing "All right Cowboy, I'll show you how happy I am later, you just drove all the way to stake your claim, so go on and… make… me... yours" which ended in a sort of gurgle as Ennis started sucking on him.

The view was something to behold and Ennis took his time this time in noticing any tiny detail, from the way Jack's chest moved in a different way whether he gasped, moaned or panted, to the way Jack's belly muscles would suddenly clench while he worked on him, passing by the way Jack's eyelids fell down or fluttered open, the way Jack bit his lips when he took the lube, the way Jack's hands gripped the sheets as he hooked Jack's legs on his shoulders and started pressing and rubbing his thumb around Jack's most sensitive skin, and the way Jack's neck arched when he finally pushed it inside, Jack's low hissed "yesssssssssssssssssssssss" making him dizzier with need.

Ennis's left hand replaced his mouth so that Ennis was able to see it all as he added another finger in Jack's greedy center of needs. One "oh my… fuck" reached his ears but as his eyes got back to the place Jack's surprised eyes should have been, Jack had again closed his eyes and let his head fall down, allowing him to do anything he may want with him, because he was _his_ anyway, a permission Ennis took as he kept stroking and fingering, causing Jack to push alternatively up or down and to get noisier and noisier until the only word Ennis could hear was his name, repeated over and over in that enchanted way he could never resist, and quickly replaced his fingers with his hardness in one long push which made them both groan in kind.

Ennis claimed Jack's mouth hungrily again as he started building the rhythm which they both craved, until it became too much and they needed any little amount of air to make it last that much longer. Jack's breathing started to hitch, so Ennis pushed himself up some and glided deeper and harder, deeper and harder until Jack spasmed and came with a last "Ennis", the sudden wetness pushing him over the edge too.

Ennis kept moving slowly until their rasped breathing turned calmer. Jack opened his eyes and kissed him, and they enjoyed the closeness a moment. Then Ennis laid himself next to him and Jack curled up against him. Ennis held onto Jack's arm on his chest, wondering at the way such a simple, innocent gesture could be at the same time that satisfying, that relaxing, and that strength giving — just because it was Jack's arm.

And in the secrecy of the night, with Jack's arm across his chest and one of Jack's legs between his own, Ennis found the strength to ask what he knew Jack probably wanted to explain and what he himself needed to know.

"You said we should always talk from now on. Yet you didn't tell me about your divorce, and..."

_I believe that you were planning to, but I just need to know why you thought you should keep it secret for some time to start with..._

"Were you… kinda worried… about my reaction?"

**JACK POV**

_Yeah. But not in the way you mean, Cowboy... _

Ennis had been whispering, but the echoes of it sounded deafening in Jack's ears. He had done it again it seemed, huh. But he could fix it, because now, indeed, they talked. And because he was sure that Ennis would not only believe it all, but would understand it too.

It wasn't, however, the most pleasant discussion to have, even as short as it would probably be — Jack didn't like to have to dig out the past they had worked to put behind them — but it was one which was necessary.

Jack kept his head on Ennis's chest, brought his hand just above Ennis's heart, and answered as honestly as he could.

"There was a good reason I couldn't say anything when it happened, but it got harder with every passing day to keep it unsaid... I just don't like keeping things from you, Ennis, feels too much like—" he sighed, falling briefly silent. "The thing is, I just couldn't go on the way things were."

_I'd come to the point where I despised the whole world, but most of all, I just despised myself._ _All the secrets, all the lies; it HAD to end, one way or another. _

"And after the first secrets came out... It took me months, but I realized it was the path I needed. And so, one night, I made two decisions." He paused, searching for Ennis gaze and holding it. "One, I was going to fight to get you back, Cowboy, no matter how long it took." He paused again, enjoying the light coming to Ennis's eyes. "And two, I was going to get out clean and give Lu a chance to find someone better than me for her. Turned out I didn't need to say much — she knew it all for years already. I guess she realized I was actually doing it for her, you know — no postcard for months and all — and that's maybe why she took it all so well..." He drew light circles above Ennis's heart. "But, see, that's why I couldn't tell you at first. We'd just gotten back together. You wouldn't have believed my divorce had, in fact, nothing to do with you."

_You would have taken the blame on you, as you always do, and I promised myself to NEVER put you in that position again, right at the moment, last November, that you said YOU were responsible for what stays MY mistakes._

He shook his head, chasing the now unnecessary melancholy away. Then, holding Ennis's gaze again, "Does that make any sense?"

Ennis tugged some on his arm while whispering, "Yeah, actually, it does."

And that was enough.

Jack moved closer now, smiling.

"And then the very morning after I spoke to her, I was given another chance without having to fight, when I received your card, huh..." He paused, to give that much extra weight to his next words. "You gave me my life back, you know... So… Thanks Ennis, for everything."

"No, Jack. Thank you."

They smiled at each other and kept silent for a while, fingers intertwining and playing softly on skin, until the past was left once more in the past. By then, they had built up enough energy again for Jack to take his turn in making his point and showing Ennis how happy his coming down to Childress had made him.

And proclaiming "Yours" as he finally impaled himself on Ennis, he was pretty sure Ennis felt exactly as happy as he had just showed him he felt.

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis woke up in the early morning in the best way possible — eyes and nose near the side of Jack's neck, body warm and aligned against Jack's side, one arm thrown across Jack's chest. Jack was still asleep, so Ennis just kept still, closed his eyes and enjoyed his favorite kind of 'peace and quiet' for a while.

Being with Jack, it always made him feel complete. But something was different now. Alma knew, Lureen knew, and for the first time, he felt — maybe not completely yet but a great deal more than usual — FREE; free to be with Jack and enjoy any second of it without his inner voice complaining too much at the back of his brain about what he should or shouldn't do. That level of inner peace was something new, and he _really_ liked it.

Ennis propped himself up on his elbow and got a clear view of his surroundings. The walls of the room were white and bare, but Jack hadn'd been living here for long, so it wasn't surprising. The beddings felt soft and new; they were simple, plain, and — as Ennis could see now that there was light enough to distinguish the colors — all in different shades of amber brown. And Ennis liked that little fact a lot, you bet.

His gaze shifted happily back to Jack, still asleep at his side, and as so often then, Ennis got mesmerized for a while, lost between those moles he could happily spend his life looking at. At some point the thumb of the hand lying on Jack's chest absently started, of its own accord, to lightly stroke back and forth.

After some time, Jack started to stir awake. Usually, the stroking would have stopped right then. But today, Ennis didn't even pause for the time of a heartbeat, just kept up the quiet rhythm.

He felt Jack move some more. A second later, Jack's eyes opened and Ennis welcomed their blue depths. Jack smiled back at him, his damn soft-but-huge trademark smile, and then Jack's happy, sweet, just-awake yet kind of smug whisper reached his ears, "Feeling cosy this morning, Cowboy?"

Ennis just smiled back.

"Actually, I feel fine, Rodeo, just fine."

They kept smiling at each other for the time of a few more strokes, then Jack laid one hand on top of Ennis's. Ennis stopped playing on Jack's skin and curled his hand into a fist until he could hook his thumb around Jack's, the rest of Jack's fingers then following the movement and curling themselves into his palm; both their hands intertwined right above Jack's heart. (***AN18**)

Ennis couldn't tell how long they stayed like this, eyes lost in each other, linked by their hands, the only sound in the room the regular beating of Jack's heart underneath his fingers and resonating through him to his core. But one thing was sure, they both heard everything that moment meant.

Then Ennis realized suddenly that there was something cold against his hand — something he had grown so used to that he hadn't noticed its in fact now abnormal presence 'till then. He took a look at their joined hands, and yes, there it was — Jack's ring.

**JACK POV**

"Thought you only put it on for show when you came to see me…"

Ennis was looking at him for an answer, but Jack just smiled and shooked his head once, left then right, while looking back at Ennis with some kind of expectation.

"Lureen… She doesn't mind?"

"It was kind of her idea to begin with, so I don't think so." And as she didn't know about the engraving, of course, Jack was pretty sure it was the truth.

Ennis's puzzled look deepened, then turned into a teasing one. "What, is that your way to keep all the women away?"

Jack chuckled, remembering their conversation about Ennis's way to keep the women away and how not very effective it had turned out to be, huh, and Ennis joined him.

Jack sat straighter then, letting go of Ennis but smiling still. "Well, I had never thought about it this way, but now that you mention it, it's probably working better than yours, huh…" He shifted to let Ennis sit comfortably close. "The truth is more simple though. It's simply not the same ring."

Then he took his ring off and handed it to Ennis.

Ennis's chuckling stopped. His face turned tender, and Jack guessed he had an idea about what he was going to find before he even took the band in his hands. Then Ennis took it closer to be able to read the text inside, and the way he just smiled while reading the inscription — E+J, Summer of '63 — warmed Jack up inside for at least thousands of years, you bet.

Their eyes met again, and there was now, too, the usual irresistible little blush on Ennis's smiling face.

"Jack…"

Jack moved closer and they kissed softly, reverently — kind of like their first kiss in their tent up on Brokeback, so long ago, yet for ever so vivid in both their memories.

"Since then, Ennis. That's the only ring I've ever wanted to wear. And now I can, so..."

"Jack…"

Another rich silence for a while, holding each other's gaze. Then Jack smiled softly, extending his hand.

"So, are you gonna give it back now, or what?"

Ennis blushed again, this time the reddish tint much more pronounced as he surprised Jack some by taking his hand in his own and sliding the ring back on his finger instead of just dropping it in his open hand.

And then Ennis wasn't at all the blushing groom anymore as he attacked his mouth feverishly, hungrily; expertly laying him down, telling him once more in deeds the two words Jack heard anyway — _I do_.

**ENNIS POV**

It was like a dream, except it was better than that, because it was true. Jack had secretly kept their shirts, for years. And now Jack wore this ring — their ring. That man loved him, for sure, huh. And he sure loved his Rodeo too, you bet. And he would let him know it. Now was maybe the best time to unwrap his silly gifts after all…

"Be right back."

Jack moved enough for him to get out bed, probably thinking he needed to use the can or whatever, and rolled to the other side of the bed. Ennis went back to the hall where his bag had been abandoned last evening. He rummaged through it swiftly and got his shower gel out, then closed it and took it with him back to the bedroom, stopping quickly once on his way by the door which Jack had named 'bathroom' hours ago to put the gel on a shelf. He dropped the bag in a corner, Jack automatically giving him a curious look as he heard the thud it made when it met the floor.

Ennis then walked to Jack, extending a hand and smiling invitingly, "Shower time, Bud."

**JACK POV**

Well, that sure was an invitation Jack could never refuse, huh. He smiled back as he took Ennis's hand and let his Cowboy guide him to the bathroom.

Ennis waited for the water to get to the right temperature and a bit longer for the steam to warm the tiles, then he took his hand again and lead him under the stream. He kissed him, shortly but possessively, and husked into his left ear, "Close your eyes."

And as always, Jack could only comply.

There was a little pop, then a fragrance filled the room. It smelled nice, a bit strong and kinda woody. Then Ennis's hands were on him, moving from his shoulders to the back of his neck, then the front, and down, washing him, and Jack guessed this must be his Cowboy's shower gel, because it just screamed Ennis. So, right away, he really liked it, A LOT, you bet.

"Smells nice. Never thought you'd trade in your bar of soap one day."

"Well, I came across Jenny while she was looking for a present for Alma and she ended up finding scents for everyone. I like it though."

And Jack understood. This was Ennis's gift: not the bottle in itself, but the memory which would be associated to it and would come back to Jack whenever he would smell that scent. Ennis's trace in his home; not a light and quickly fading presence, but one he would be able to repeatedly bring back alive for real. Ennis wanted to BE here somehow, with him. And Jack knew that any time he would use this soap from now on, the only thing he would need was to close his eyes and he wouldn't be showering alone.

"Me too. Definitely."

Ennis took a gentle step forward, putting one of his legs between Jack's and guiding Jack backwards until he met the wall softly, Ennis's hands now on his waist as Ennis kissed him again, then took some time playing in his neck, making Jack angle his head to the side to expose more of his skin for Ennis to lick and kiss and nuzzle. It was all kinda soft and slow, unhurried, and Jack just surrendered, lost in the warmth and that scent which was getting stronger and stronger around them, Ennis's feverish mouth and brushing hands and his own moans and gasps in response the only things he really heard, the shower stream falling now mostly on Ennis's back, still there but not more than a lulling background sound.

Ennis's hands went lower still and found his butt, alternating soft caresses with stronger pulls which brought their front together. Then Ennis started moving against him, hips bones melting into flesh, both their hardness pressing against the other one's thigh, and as Ennis started to play at the base at his neck, right in the cleft between his collar bones, Jack felt his hands digging in Ennis's back, heard his first needy "Ennis" echoing around them and was rewarded by a low hungry "Right here, Bud" and a deeper kiss.

Then Ennis's right hand sneaked in and closed around him, and the whole world started spinning, Ennis against him the only thing he could focus on. It all quickly became too much, too good, and Jack erupted in Ennis's hand, his reward a half-snarled "Yes, Jack" between kisses at his first spasm.

Jack rode through it as long as it lasted, and only then did he open his eyes. He quickly spun them around, Ennis now the one deliciously trapped between him and the wall Jack had just warmed up. Their eyes met and locked. One wink, "Payback time", then one hand wrapping itself around Ennis's aching need, stroking teasingly, lazily, until Ennis bit his lower lip and groaned — Jack's signal to speed up the rhythm — before grasping with both hands the back of Jack's neck and bringing their mouths together briefly.

Jack worked faster and faster, and Ennis started panting, eyes closed, hands still gripping his neck, forehead now leaning against Jack's for support, their irregular and loud breathing echoing around them. Then the usual "Jack" passed Ennis's lips — one of the most meaningful sound in Jack's world — and Ennis came, pressing their lips back together in a chaste but fierce kiss until the wave had passed.

They cleaned up, then got out of the shower and dried each other, smiling. Then Ennis took him back to the bedroom and silently guided him towards his bag.

"Brought something else for you, Rodeo."

One tiny, nervous, embarrassed, shy smile — the one that always made his mind go blank for a second. Ennis crouched down, then was back up in front of him, holding a shirt in his hands that Jack recognized perfectly well.

Ennis had brought him _his_ shirt. The shirt Jack had chosen to wear a few months ago because it had been the one Ennis had been wearing last November; the shirt Ennis since then always left hanging in his bedroom, waiting for its new owner to return. The shirt Jack would have been SO happy to take back home with him as a keepsake, yet couldn't without explaining why he could take it home to begin with.

And now, here it was. For him to keep, to wear, to look at, to breathe in, to hold, to touch lightly with the tip of a finger — whatever he might feel like. For him.

Jack slowly inched his fingers closer, eyes unable to leave the shirt until he would feel the reality of it in his hands.

"I've always wished I could take it with me, you know."

Ennis made kind of an agreeing sound, then whispered softly, "Wasn't too hard to figure out, huh. I mean… I know how much it means to me to have yours."

And then, finally, the shirt was in his hands. It wasn't enough though, so he put it on in one swift move, smiling at Ennis.

"Thanks, Ennis. Really."

It was all he could say though, Ennis's gaze, as often in that kind of moment, rendering Jack speechless for a while; so many things, so many things those deep brown pools were telling him once more…

Then Ennis crushed him to him, hands fisting the fabric of the shirt on his back, head bowed in his neck, and inhaled deeply, obviously enjoying his own brand now on Jack's skin.

"You know Jack, right? Tell me you know."

And Jack decided that those words, deliberately uttered and so Ennis-like, telling it all while saying nothing, were even better than the only "I love you" he had ever gotten from this man.

Jack tightened his arms around Ennis's waist and tilted his head until he found Ennis's ear.

"You bet, Cowboy. You bet I know."

They hugged silently a few more seconds, then finished dressing and went to the kitchen to eat some. Afterwards, Jack took Ennis's hand and led him back to the bedroom.

They stayed in bed all day.

Jack awoke in the middle of the night, safely wrapped-up in Ennis's arms, which always warmed up his heart.

For years, this had been one of the little signs which had kept him alive — one of the clues.

Normally, after the afterglow, they wouldn't cuddle for long, Ennis saying they should get dressed for the night and get in their sleeping bags before they froze to death, huh, giving Jack yet another reason to curse the damn cold. Then Ennis would whisper "'Night, Jack", or something in that trend, and close his eyes. Ennis slept on his back, Jack on his side, and so in those positions they would generally fall asleep. And in the mornings, Ennis was usually up and out way before Jack.

But, any time Jack had awoken in the middle of the night, for whatever reason, and even back during the very few nights they had spent together up on Brokeback, any damn time, he'd find that Ennis, in his slumber, had rolled over against his back and put an arm around him. Something unconscious, which Ennis couldn't control — only in the dizzying haziness of their first trip had Ennis put his arm around him before falling asleep. But something tangible, and something which spoke enough in and of itself, no matter what.

So Jack relished it for a while, then carefully slipped out of bed: he was thirsty. When he came back to the bedroom, he immediately noticed that Ennis had scooted into his place, most probably searching for Jack's lost warmth, and was now on his side of the bed, the arm usually around his waist now half-curled around his pillow. Jack couldn't refrain from smiling while he walked to the other side of the bed. Then, as he opened the sheets, he got a clear view of white skin which had him stunned: Ennis's bare back.

Ennis's bare back, which was still, even after all those years, a pretty rare view. On Brokeback, before they got together, Jack had never taken a real look while Ennis washed up. After they had gotten together, Ennis had kept sleeping up by the sheep. During their fishing trips, they always slept with clothes on. And so on and on and on. So, even if he had seen Ennis's back covered in clothes probably more than he would have liked over the years — why did that man always have to walk away, huh — Ennis's bare back was something… sacred. And overwhelming.

Something which denied and erased any other thing it said when clothed up. Something Jack knew was real, and precious, from the first time he had really gotten to see this back naked: Ennis's trust as he rolled over under him, Ennis's love as he gave himself to him. Ennis, choosing to be vulnerable.

After a moment, Jack finally got in and laid himself down, facing Ennis's still-exposed shoulders, eyes roaming over any inch of skin visible above the sheets. And suddenly, looking at the back of Ennis's neck — a view which always hypnotized him to no ends, since the first time, that very first night in his truck — Jack realized something: Ennis had made himself vulnerable too, this morning, needing reassurance, asking that sweet "You know Jack, right?" while hugging him — and so not having to meet his eyes, huh.

Damn, how in Hell could he have NOT noticed...

Jack had missed the point.

And not only this morning.

He had missed it the first time too, in January, when Ennis had embraced him from behind, 'Brokeback style', and had whispered in his ear "You know, Bud... right?", just before he'd climbed into his truck. And he had missed it again, on his closet floor in Lightning Flat. Yeah, even then: technically, Ennis had never really told him "I love you". In February, their old shirts as silent witnesses, Ennis had only said "Tell them you know that I... Love you, Jack". That's what Ennis had said: that "I love you" was only the statement of a fact, not the heart of what Ennis was saying.

So yeah, it was thrice now.

Jack had been wrong about those sweet "You know"'s. It wasn't Ennis's way of saying "I love you". It was simply what it was: a question. Maybe Ennis didn't need Jack's "I love you"; he knew Jack loved him. Maybe Ennis didn't need to hear himself say "I love you" to Jack; he knew he loved Jack. But maybe what Ennis needed, was for Jack to tell him "You love me". Because that was what Ennis asked for, what Ennis wanted, what Ennis needed: to know that Jack knew he loved him.

And though of course Jack had always sincerely answered that with "Yes, he knew", Ennis kept asking. So, knowing that with Ennis, words usually weren't enough, Jack guessed he maybe needed another kind of response, even if he himself probably didn't know which one, seeing as he so apparently never found the words to exactly ask for what he needed.

But, with Ennis's bare back so close to him, suddenly, it just clicked.

Jack knew he particularly loved it — ok, he particularly loved anything he did with his Cowboy, any position he was in becoming his favourite for the time being, but well, let's not digress, huh — when Ennis took him on his side. 'Lazy early morning sex', that's how he named it, because it was what would happen most of the times when he was lucky enough to awake and find Ennis still next to him.

It sure wasn't the position which gave him the most control on how things were going, on the contrary, but he loved it so much precisely because of that. Because he was helpless, at Ennis's mercy, unable to move much, apart from craning his neck against Ennis, one hand holding fast whatever was at his disposal for leverage, the other one grasping Ennis, wherever he could reach him, in a desperate attempt to get closer still, one of Ennis's hands gripping his hip, the other one on his ass — moving in that damn you-make-me-crazy circular pattern, pulling his cheeks apart then closing the space between them, again and again — or clutching his thigh, hooking his leg up, opening him further and further and further, Ennis's cock sliding in deeper and deeper and deeper with each thrust, owning him, claiming him, controlling him totally, all firm and strong no matter how gentle the pace could be.

And, of course, because he enjoyed it too much when Ennis offered himself to him while still being in some kind of control — feeling Ennis slam himself back into him, or push him deeper in, were just too irresistible things, huh — Jack had never possessed Ennis that way. Which made it just, right now, the most perfect way to make his point, huh.

Because maybe, to finally really believe that Jack knew he loved him, Ennis needed Jack to take him. Simple as that.

Because Jack always waited for a telltale sign from Ennis before taking things in that particular direction — Ennis's hand guiding his hand down there, Ennis's butt rubbing against him; undeniable, non-accidental, clear signs. Until recently, he had even used to ask for confirmation.

It wasn't insecurity. It was just that Jack cherished too much the fact that Ennis gave himself to him to do otherwise. Jack was a giver, and as such, needed Ennis to offer himself to him, seeing it as the most precious, ultimate sign that Ennis loved him. But to Ennis… To Ennis — who always gave so, SO much but still saw himself mostly, as he had once said, as the one who took — on some unconscious level, maybe it felt as though Jack was unsure. _Unsure_. And that was a misunderstanding Jack would have to end, and right now.

He turned for an instant in order to take the lube, as always on the nightstand at Ennis's side of the bed. It was hard to forbid himself to play with the strong, naked back he so enjoyed and which was within his reach, but he really couldn't afford getting side-tracked and give Ennis a chance to give a signal first, huh. So he oiled his fingers, brought them down and started rubbing gently near the little cleft where Ennis's spine ended, while softly kissing the back of Ennis's neck, whispering Ennis's name between kisses and licks, waking up Ennis sweetly, gradually, yet making the point he wanted to make right away.

Ennis moaned awake, then a still kind of foggy "Jack" reached Jack's ears.

"Yes." A kiss. "Don't move." Another one. "Don't talk."

His fingers took the path further down between Ennis's cheeks, still gentle, but assured as he whispered hotly in Ennis's ear between soft bites, sucking on his ear lobe.

"I know Ennis. Never doubt it. I know."

"Jack."

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

He took Ennis's thigh and gently but firmly hooked it up over his own, then went back down to play more freely now that he had more room, rubbing and circling.

"It's just that it always means so damn much when you give yourself to me. But I know I'm allowed, just like you know you're allowed. I know you want whatever I might want, just like you know I want whatever you might want."

"Jack."

Ennis was loosening up under his touch.

"It's all right, Ennis. Never doubt it. I know." He pushed one finger inside. "I know you love me."

And, as Ennis moaned and threw his head backwards against him, Jack knew he had been right indeed: this was obviously exactly what his lover needed.

So he took his time preparing Ennis, repeating the words his Cowboy needed to hear over and over, then shortened his litany to only "You love me" as he finally entered him, filling him up with one long push, Ennis's breathless "Yes" both an answer to the words and a begging for more, fingers suddenly digging in Jack's forearm.

Jack kept a slow pace, knowing well enough how he enjoyed being on the receiving end of that dizzying you-are-killing-me-but-god-please-never-ever-ever-stop rhythm — and judging by the helpless sounds Ennis was making, it sure was working fine for his Cowboy too — while his hand guided Ennis's thigh this way or that, searching for the position which would feel the most pleasurable for his lover; and suddenly finding it, Ennis's telltale louder groan reaching his ears.

Jack closed his eyes, concentrating on holding that exact position, which wasn't exactly the easiest — unlike Jack's favourite side position, kinda three quarters pressed in the mattress, it seemed Ennis liked it best kind of resting on Jack's side while Jack held his leg up in the air — but apparently he managed well enough, his sooooooo-really-satisfying reward Ennis's near howled "Jack"'s as he hit the right spot in the right way repeatedly, still keeping a slow pace; wanting this to last as long as possible, Ennis that malleable in his hands turning out to be really addictive.

"Feel that, Ennis. I know, Cowboy. You love me."

"Yessssssssssssssssssssssss."

"You love me."

"Yessssssssssssssssssssssss."

Jack gradually increased the tempo of their dance, and the force of his thrusts, arm hooked in the crook of Ennis's knee, unable to stroke Ennis for once, but figuring it wouldn't matter anyway.

"You. Love. Me."

"Yessssssssssssssssssssssss."

"You. Love. Me."

"Yessssssssssssssssssssssss."

And yes, indeed, some time later, Ennis shuddered, the usual last "Jack" escaping just before he came. Jack finally rolled over, pressing Ennis into the mattress, and slid in even deeper now that he had that bit more leverage, once, twice, thrice, Ennis still clenching around him in the best way possible, and emptied himself happily in his own most sacred sanctuary.

As always, Ennis stayed silent afterwards. Jack stayed against his Cowboy; holding him in his arms, for a change. And it felt good. Really good.

_For this once, Ennis, just this once, let me take care of you._

Jack let his nose travel down the back of Ennis's neck, then landed a kiss between his shoulders.

Then he went back up, found Ennis's ear and whispered softly, "Since then, Ennis. I've always know, since then."

And he started humming Ennis's melody in his ear, knowing well enough how loved he felt when sung to that way, and wanting Ennis to feel it all too — to feel loved, and so to realize that Jack felt loved too, every time, and to understand that his lack of words couldn't matter, because his other ways of communicating worked just fine too.

**ENNIS POV**

It was difficult to define how he felt when he woke up and felt Jack's fingers teasing the edge of his crack. The least he could say was that it was surprising. It was something he had never even thought could happen, something he had surely never dreamed of, and something he apparently hadn't realized he needed before but which he couldn't deny he needed right now. Something which felt right, perfect.

And then, Jack said it. "I know you love me. YOU. LOVE. ME." The obvious belief audible in those words echoed by the undeniable control in his lover's actions, letting no possible place for any kind of doubt. Jack, taking him, the same ferocious, hungry, powerful way he always used when he impaled himself on him, taking him greedily in, but never, never when he actually took him. Not that there was anything wrong with the usual nearly reverent way Jack took him, huh. But somewhere deep inside, somehow, Ennis realized that this was exactly what he wanted to know, since maybe forever: for Jack to know that he loved him.

And yes, Jack knew. Despite it all — his fears, his uncertainties, his inability to express himself and communicate his feelings — yeah, despite it all, Jack knew. And that was, right now, the most satisfying certainty in the world, maybe even more than knowing that Jack loved him, and that meant something, huh. Jack knew. Jack knew.

"You love me."

Jack wasn't only talking to his brain; Ennis felt the reality of that truth in his bones, in his flesh. And as he came, untouched for the second time in his life, the force of that new knowledge pushing him over the edge, Ennis felt free of a burden he'd carried for years, yet a burden he had inflicted on himself, deciding it would be wrong to let Jack know — controlling his every gestures and words, not only because he was ashamed of his feelings, but also because he didn't want Jack to get hoping too much for something he could never give if he wanted to protect Jack — yet still wanting Jack to know, nevertheless. This constant dilemma, which caused him — even after he'd realized there was nothing wrong, either with his feelings or with having Jack know them — to somehow think that Jack would never be able to truly believe it all: too many years passed, too much damage done. But he understood now that, in truth, really, none of it mattered. And that Jack knew. Yeah, Jack knew.

They kept silent afterwards, Jack for the first time ever being the one holding Ennis close in his arms while laying in bed. And it felt good; Jack's calmer breathing now pleasantly falling on the back of his neck.

Then Jack moved some; a kiss, soft words in his ear, and suddenly he was humming their lullaby in his ear. Jack was acting like him, letting him know how he felt when the roles were reversed. And it was just... too overwhelming. There were just no words to express it all right, and the only thing Ennis could do was to bring one of his hands above Jack's, laying around his waist, and intertwining their fingers for a while.

The melody ended, and Jack whispered, "So, you know I know, right, Cowboy?"

Then he laid another quick kiss at the base of his neck, making Ennis smile softly. "Yep. I know."

And indeed, finally, he knew.

Ennis felt the blood coming to his face but decided it couldn't matter much in the depth of the night and confided, "That was something, huh, Rodeo?"

Jack squeezed him closer briefly, and Ennis felt again those sweet, soft lips kissing his skin.

"You bet."

Silence, for a few seconds.

"I won't let you forget, huh."

Ennis couldn't refrain from chuckling, blushing redder still but confessing teasingly, "Makes forgetting sound damn tempting."

Jack laughed too, but scooted even closer and vowed seriously, "Any time, Ennis. Any time."

They fell back asleep with the same smile on their faces. And when Ennis woke up in the morning, Jack's arm was still around him, and he really liked it, you bet.

He curled cautious fingers around Jack's hand, not wanting to awake him yet, but enjoying the contact. Then he sighed. Sunday morning. The clock was ticking; their time was soon to be up, for now.

He let his thumb graze back and forth over Jack's hand, and felt the muscles twitch some in slumberous response. Then there was a squeeze, and Ennis knew Jack was awake too. He turned around, and their lips met fiercely, the usual urgency of their last hours together spurring them on, like an electric charge in their veins.

**JACK POV**

Later on, Ennis stayed on him for a while, head on his chest, apparently looking at his left hand; so Jack guessed that, this time, it was his turn to be the strong one then. He ruffled one hand in Ennis's hair, "Let's get you something to eat before you hit the road, huh."

They went to the kitchen, and then while they ate, Jack took a piece of paper, wrote down his actual phone number and handed it to Ennis.

"You call me when you get home, ok?"

Ennis looked like he was going to retort, probably about not wanting to wake him up in the middle of the night, but in the end he just nodded. They had, after all, no reason anymore to deny themselves the relief of knowing the other had made it home safely, so they wouldn't, huh.

Ennis took the pen and paper too and gave Jack his own number, eyes burning as he answered with: "And you call me whenever you want."

Then Ennis started to clean up, and Jack stopped him, "I'll take care of this later."

They showered together, what had become their last ritual.

It turned out different though this time. First, they used Ennis's new soap. And instead of continuing to rub against each other 'till the end, at some point Ennis hushed out one of his damn irresistible "Come here" while pushing him in a corner, and quickly slid down his body in a way that tugged at Jack's heart by its obvious intent ― Ennis was going to suck him off.

Ennis often sucked on him, of course, but it was, most of the time, teasingly, as part of their foreplay. And when Ennis had him come in his mouth, it was either to return what Jack had just done, or to apologize in his own way; and it was thorough, and dedicated, but somehow still reverent ― a gift.

But now, there was an undeniably desperate, hungry edge to it. Ennis wasn't giving; he was taking. Jack didn't need pictures to tell the difference ― but you bet he really enjoyed the rather satisfied moan Ennis let out when he took him in.

It was mind-blowing. Not only because of the unexpected, voracious attack, but also because of what it meant: be it simply because ― Jack guessed ― parting was getting harder and Ennis symbolically needed a piece of him he could keep with him a bit longer, or ― Jack hoped ― because Ennis just wanted it and was finally able to follow his desires without any kind of excuse; both reasons were more than fine with Jack. Because, either way, they were then getting closer to what he wanted the most and had never felt as possible and within his reach as it felt now ― a real life together. So yeah, mind-blowing, you bet ― Jack didn't last long.

Ennis didn't give him time to recover enough to return the favor as he started kissing him desperately while bringing them back under the full shower stream; hands in his hair, holding him close, message unspoken but crystal clear anyway – "Your mouth isn't going anywhere else, Bud. No payback".

Jack wondered if Ennis needed to make a point to him or to himself, and even if it was in fact conscious or not. But Jack guessed it was probably linked somehow to what he himself had done last night, and felt _glorious_. There were so many layers in his Cowboy's self-depreciation and self-reproach, and having yet another one fall, and Ennis coming to terms more and more again with who he was and what he wanted ― even if probably only with Jack and in private ― always felt like the sweetest and most sacred thing he could achieve.

So no matter how much he would have liked too to have a piece of Ennis within him after he'd left, Jack played along and closed his hand around Ennis's by now ready to burst cock – another proof, if needed, of how much Ennis had enjoyed what he had just done, huh.

Ennis moaned his agreement and surrendered to him, throwing his head backwards, and Jack quickly finished him off, nibbling at his neck the way he knew would make his Cowboy reach his climax.

He nuzzled some more in Ennis's neck, until he felt Ennis's head coming up again and met his eyes. The intensity in his Cowboy's gaze felt like a punch to his guts, something bordering panic in those brown eyes, yet controlled ― trusting ―; which always triggered the same reaction in Jack, on the few occasions he had witnessed it.

"It's all right, Ennis."

_What you just did. That you're going to leave soon. Or whatever else you're thinking about right now._

Jack soothingly trailed a hand up and down Ennis's back, and Ennis closed his eyes and went to breathe him in, in that so irrefutably tender way of his, leaning his forehead against Jack's.

"It's all right," Jack repeated.

After a while, Ennis opened his eyes, and though there was still some sadness in them, they were now serene. They kept hugging each other for a while longer, Jack's hands now looping themselves behind Ennis's lower back while Ennis silently kept looking at him, his forehead still against Jack's.

The weekend was over, and they knew this was their goodbye, even if Jack would drive Ennis back to his car. The rest always went quite fast, just going through the motions ― no need to postpone the inevitable; it would only make it all more painful in the end.

Finally, the warm water started to turn colder. Ennis sighed and nuzzled his temple one last time, then Jack turned the water off and they left the bathroom. They got dressed and Ennis packed quickly. And then, Jack whispered, "Let's go."

The drive back to Newsome's was silent. They tried not to look at each other too much, as usual when parting. Jack focused on the road, the perfect excuse, while Ennis folded and unfolded the piece of paper on which his phone number was written – he hadn't packed it in his bag, tucking it instead in the front pocket of his shirt; a little detail which Jack had secretly noticed, huh.

Then Jack stopped the car, and they couldn't NOT look at each other, of course.

"Thanks for coming over, Ennis. You know it meant the world, huh."

Ennis kind of shrugged, but nodded. He took his hand and they stayed linked for a while longer, sharing the silence. Then Ennis squeezed his hand tighter, whispering the usual "You take care, huh". Then he opened the door, got out, and turned back towards him before closing the door.

Jack saw it all again in Ennis's eyes and promised, "See you soon."

Ennis nodded, closed the door and walked to his truck. Jack watched as he kind of fumbled with the keys and opened the door. Then Ennis turned back to him once more. They exchanged one last look before Ennis climbed in, and then Jack restarted his engine and drove away.

**ENNIS POV**

Ennis watched as Jack's truck drove away, and couldn't help but feel guilty.

He should have thought about this earlier. He should have driven his truck to Jack's instead of driving with him on Friday evening; no matter how unable to leave Jack's side for a few minutes he had been by then, huh.

Leaving was _his_ job, _his_ burden. He had decided that long ago, right after that first talk around the campfire in '67. He had understood then that Jack truly hoped for MORE, and so had deliberately chosen to be the one who would always leave first ― it was hard enough to leave for him, who believed they had no other choice anyway, so… having Jack leave first just seemed too unnecessarily unfair, huh. He had sometimes wondered, in their early years, if Jack realized that in a way, him leaving was kind of… a proof of love. A contradictory, twisted, probably sick, undeniably crazy one, but one nonetheless. So he couldn't help but sigh, knowing he had now just broken his vow.

True, it wasn't the first time Jack was the one driving away. And it surely wasn't as bad as the very first time, in '75, huh! He couldn't help but wince at that thought, as he did each time, the wound somehow still raw, forever raw.

But the times when Jack came to him had never counted for that vow, because, since it was Ennis's home, well, technically, Ennis couldn't be the one leaving, huh.

Then Jack's truck disappeared, and all there was was the gut-wrenching feeling of _loss_. Like tearing his soul apart. Plenty experience with parting, sadly, yet apparently still not enough for him to even start to get used to it, it seemed, huh… In a way, it felt even worse today.

_The price for starting to dream too, del Mar, huh._

Well, it was worth it then, you bet.

_Two weeks. You'll see him in two weeks. It used to be months, so quit whining already, huh._

Yeah, true enough, luckily. Ennis nearly smiled. Thinking _forward_, as always, gave him the strength to finally start the engine and drive away.

After a while though, he couldn't not notice something, and he shook his head, feeling stereotypically foolish, yet happy: his eyes kept getting drawn to his left hand on the wheel ― and what was missing on it, huh.

_Their_ ring.

Ennis remembered the feeling in his guts when Jack had shown him his ring ― an evidence.

He wanted to wear one too.

Jack was right. Wearing a ring was more about yourself than about making a point to someone else. You wore it first for yourself, as a sign that you had given yourself to someone else, and that you were claimed back, _and happy to be_. And that's the only thing a ring told the world: that you belonged. But it didn't tell whom you belonged to, huh. So yeah, Ennis would probably never have thought of it by himself, but now that the idea was in his mind, the more he thought about it, the more he just _wanted_ to wear one too.

It would be nothing fancy like Jack's ring, of course; the most simple thing would do. Their bands wouldn't match, but that wouldn't matter ― the meaning of wearing a ring was in wearing it, not in how it was forged, huh. In fact, technically, he didn't have to have it engraved either.

He really liked Jack's inscription though ― it wouldn't be saying much to unknowing people if they ever got to read it, so wearing it wasn't actually dangerous, huh. So yeah, again, the more he thought about it the more he wanted to have it engraved too, you bet. A little selfish pleasure, knowing its reversed inscription mirrored its twin perfectly. J+E. That sounded nice, huh…

More than nice. And Ennis knew without a doubt that Jack's reaction would be just that too, huh. Ennis couldn't help but smile dreamily this time, while calculating how long it would take him to spare enough money; and smiled even wider when he realised it shouldn't take too long after all.

The way back home felt far longer than the way down, as always. He was totally bushed when he arrived in Riverton, just before 2 in the morning. But, of course, as agreed, first thing he did was call Jack, unable to miss the thrill he felt run through him, knowing he would get to be with his Rodeo, no matter how shortly, and no matter how many miles away.

Jack answered on the second "dring", the still-sleepy but undeniably happy simple "Hey Cowboy" he greeted Ennis with somehow really satisfying. "How was the drive?"

"Long."

A little chuckle came down the phone line. "Take a warm shower before getting to bed, huh."

"Will do." Silence. "Miss you."

Sharp intake of breath. "Same here." Pause. "But I know, Ennis, huh."

Smile. "Yeah, you know."

Silence.

"You should get some sleep."

"Yeah." Sigh. "I told Don I needed a day off for private reasons and that he could just cut it off my next pay, but he'd surely complain if I came late tomorrow too, huh."

"En―"

"Don isn't bad, don't worry." Silence. "And it was worth it, huh."

Smile. The kind you can _hear_, huh. "You bet, Cowboy." Silence. "Good night."

"Good night."

"Love you."

The line went dead. But Ennis smiled. He didn't say it aloud, but he heard his answer loud enough in his mind.

_Love you too, Rodeo._

**JACK POV**

He went to work early on Monday morning; really early. He had to see Lureen as soon as possible.

He had called her on Sunday, but had again cut his call before she could answer. She had asked for no contact 'till Monday; so the least he could do was respect her demand, huh, no matter how guilty he felt.

He heard her car and went out to meet her.

She was just behind the door when he opened it. She looked tired, and he felt bad, knowing he was the reason she hadn't been able to get enough sleep over the week-end. But she smiled at him, just the same smile as usual.

"Hi. You're early."

He put his hands on her shoulders, blocking her from going past him. "Lu, you ok?"

"I'm fine, Jack," she shrugged, "I told you he'd come, remember?" She must have seen that he wasn't really buying it, 'cause she finally confessed in a lower voice. "I knew I'd have to see him, sooner or later."

"I'm sorry it happened like that. I should have been there."

"It doesn't matter. At least it's done, huh." She put her hand on his hand and squeezed gently. "Just tell me, are you happy?"

He just nodded. He was probably beaming enough to obscure two suns, huh, so no need to make it harder yet. "Yes. I am."

"Good." She smiled. "Now, let's get inside, we've got some work to do."

He got the feeling that she didn't want to talk further about it all, so he just nodded. Amazing, that's what she was. He wanted her to be happy too, one day. And he'd be there for her until then.

**(*) Author's note 16:**

Don't kill me for the not walking together to Jack's place, it just didn't seem plausible to me.

**(*) Author's note 17:**

And yeah, there is a bit in here which you may have read before on my little contribution to make Karen's (nosunlight) fantastic but gutwrenching BOO (go there if you haven't had the chance yet to cry your eyes out : .) turn out happier, but you still can't sue me for quoting myself, huh...

**(*) Author's note 18:**

Yeah, I know, I DO have a thing for particular handholdings... I should put a pic of what I meant with that one, but I don't have the opportunity to right now... Let's say it makes kind of a butterfly (imo) Hope you get it... but it's sure damn harder to describe it than to do it :) And if you don't get it, doesn't matter — the point anyway is just that they are holding hands, huh :)


	22. Chapter 21

**ON THEIR WAY TO FIX IT**

**CHAPTER 21 : EPIPHANY**

**ENNIS POV**

June 6th, 1984. (Wednesday)

Ennis woke up and blinked while shutting off the alarm with an automatic swipe of his hand.

_So, 40 years old, huh._

He stretched and sat up on the edge of the bed, then opened the nightstand drawer and took Jack's last card out. It had been in the stack of mail he had fetched in his mailbox last Friday, but he had waited for today to open the for-once-closed envelop, easily guessing its content. And yeah, of course, it was a birthday card. Ennis grinned as he flipped it over quickly to read Jack's words.

"Happy birthday Cowboy! Just don't do the math and you'll be alright. I'll call (late enough)."

Ennis smiled to himself; then to Jack, letting his hand close around and slide down the sleeve of Jack's shirt, as usual hanging on the chair nearby, within his reach.

"Thanks, Bud."

Then Ennis sighed.

_If only..._

It would have been nice if Jack had been here today. Ennis always daydreamed about Jack suddenly turning up around at his birthday — probably because Jack had sort of been the best birthday present he had ever gotten, and so the one he always longed for, he guessed.**(*AN 1)** But this year, it was different. This time, for the first time, Jack_knew_ it was his birthday today. So in a way, it was nice; knowing that Jack was thinking about him, for sure. But in another way, it just made him miss having Jack around even more than usual...

He knew, though, that Jack would have made the trip, middle of the week or not, if Bobby's last game of the season hadn't been tonight. But Jack had never missed it, and Ennis had insisted months ago on Jack keeping up his family tradition and just coming over for the week-end. And he still stood by that decision now, no matter how much he longed for Jack… Anyway, he was used to waiting, huh. So he should survive 'till the week-end. Right?

Ennis put the card back in the drawer and picked up the picture of Jack from the photo booth, back in January; his only picture of Jack. He often took a look at it, of course, but since his return from Childress, it had taken an extra meaning. It made him feel _warm_, knowing that his own photos were in exactly the same place, miles and miles away.

He had seen them at Jack's, on Saturday morning, as he had scanned the room while Jack had still been asleep – Jack had apparently, in his hurry, left his drawer inadvertently open while taking the lube out the night before. So later on, when Jack had gone to the bathroom, Ennis had taken the opportunity to get a closer look at those two strips of himself.

And he hadn't been able not to notice _exactly_ how he looked on the pictures of one of them. Was it always written all over his face like that? He looked... it was difficult to tell — it wasn't just happy, or peaceful, or anything...

He looked _complete_. No other way to say it.

There had been one photo missing on that same strip, and Ennis had easily guessed then where that last photo must be: in Jack's wallet. But he had remembered it wasn't in plain sight either — because he had seen the inside of Jack's wallet not so long ago, on that afternoon with his girls — and so he'd been able to relish that knowledge without reservations.

And he still relished it now.

Finally, Ennis let his thumb wander over Jack's face once, then put the photo back in the drawer too and closed it.

_Time to get to work, del Mar._

His bones might be officially one year older, but they were still strong enough, you bet, and he wanted to prove it, if only to himself.

Ennis had never been the partying kind and had said so several times, but he had been sure the girls would have something up their sleeves for him anyway, as he had told Jack. And, well, of course, they had had. He had come back from the ranch to find Alma's car in the drive, parked Junior-style, and the two of them both proudly smiling in his kitchen, meal — dessert included: his favorite cake, without candles, "Thanks, girls!", but with the number 40 iced on top — ready and all. And it had been sweet, for sure.

Once the girls were gone, Ennis let himself fall on his couch and sat there for some time, doing nothing else than staring at the wall in front of him. Like anyone on a birthday ending with a 0, Ennis couldn't help but think some about his life: where he had come from, where he was now, and which direction he wanted to sail to...

His first of those so-particular 0 birthdays hadn't been the happy feast he knew it was supposed to be.

Ennis was by then no longer a child already; all innocence lost months before when he had understood the true harsh reality of the world. Ennis had always known that the law of the strongest ruled not only the animal world but the human world too. And he knew that people killed, not only animals for food or skin, but each other too, for power or territory or any other, somehow explainable, even if wrong, reason.

But he hadn't realized that their violence could also be unjustified and unjustifiable — no matter his father's obvious approval — until he had seen one man that he knew had never done anyone harm ripped apart in a ditch. Killed, just because he lived differently.

The death of his parents, a few years later, had been a much harder, life-changing blow — emotional in the case of his mother, pragmatic in the case of his father. But that vision of Earl was still the milestone by which Ennis dated the end of his childhood.

The second one, he had spent pretending to be joyful, with a radiant and pregnant Alma by his side; while his mind was even more full of Jack than it had been during the months before, because of the now double birthday meaning, probably.

Reliving in his head any detail of that summer together… Hell, by then, he'd even reached the point of wondering what, if any, Jack's feelings for him had been. And wishing, knowing that he couldn't wish for the world to be different, that at least _he_ could be different — or, better said, 'normal' —; knowing how true, no matter how shameful, his feelings for Jack had been.

And had still been, even a year later, obviously. Musing about Jack all day, damn well knowing that wondering about 'what if' or 'if only' neither could nor would change anything anyway because Jack was now lost to him, and feeling bad about it because his life should make him happy enough as it was — a roof above his head, enough food on the table, and a loving wife, pregnant with his child; what more should he wish for, really…

His turning 30 had been somehow easier, Alma being by then of course not really in the mood for any kind of real celebration either anymore, which had allowed him to brood all he wanted after a simple and quickly-eaten cake with the girls.

The brooding, though, hadn't got easier in 10 years. On the contrary. Because no matter how _truly_ happy he was to have Jack back in his life, it also made things _worse_. Because it had been less painful when he had had only his own dreams and regrets to deal with. Now, he was responsible for Jack's too; and knowing he couldn't give Jack more than what he already did, he sometimes wondered if it wouldn't in fact be better for Jack, in the end, if they stopped seeing each other. And he couldn't help but wince every time, knowing well enough that he would never be able to break up with Jack, and feeling guilty over being that selfish.

And it had only gotten worse and worse and worse afterwards, the following years being a long downwards spiral of hurt and despair, from his divorce 'till the fiasco of their last camping trip.

So, the past was mostly dark — dull and grey at its best. And the contrast with how he felt this time was astonishing. Because the present was much, MUCH more vivid, you bet. And, moreover, he believed the future could get even brighter still.

Ennis couldn't help it: he smiled. He realized he was smiling a lot lately, and smiled even wider.

He still had that smile on his face when he heard the phone ring later on, and he went to answer it, full of expectations, but prudent anyway.

"Del Mar speaking."

"Happy birthday, Cowboy."

His smile widened again in automatic response to Jack's voice at the other end of the line, and Ennis leaned his back against the wall, his body finding the standing position it had already learned as the most relaxed and comfortable one for a phone call with Jack.

"Thanks, Rodeo." Then, as usual not so keen on being in any spotlight, Ennis changed the subject, asking matter-of-factly, "So, how was the game?"

He heard Jack sigh.

"They lost."

"Sorry for Bobby."

"Well, you can't win all the time, huh, and everyone needs to be reminded about that simple fact once in a while. He's feeling pretty low right now, but he'll get over it soon enough." Then Jack's tone turned more teasing. "But tell me, how was _your_ day…"

Ennis's smile lingered for the whole conversation, until Jack confirmed once more his next planned visit as he said good bye: "See you on Friday."

"Yeah."

Silence set in, while Jack probably contemplated the same thought he did: two days… so short, yet so long…

"Can't wait."

Ennis heard Jack's surprised intake of breath at his confession and probably blushed some, but decided it had been more than worth it when Jack's very serious voice softly reached his ears.

"Me neither... Actually, I'm wearing your shirt right now... Bye, Ennis."

"Jack…"

Ennis hesitated a bit, and knew Jack had sensed it as a concerned "What, Cowboy?" reached his ears.

But, in a way, it's what helped him to continue. "It ain't only my birthday, you know…"

Jack's voice radiated a mix of tenderness and pure happiness. "You bet I know. 21 years."

"Yeah… So… Happy birthday to you too, Rodeo."

Jack's voice still had its sweet, dreamy edge. "Thanks. You too, again." Then it turned kind of witty, "Seems we're finally grown-ups, huh."

Ennis chuckled shortly in response. "Yeah."

Then he quieted as the easy joke brought a more serious remark to his mind, and he wondered if Jack was thinking the same too: if they were now adults, shouldn't it be time for them to finally spread their wings, and live their life without his father's shadow ruling everything?

Jack softly cut the silence. "I should let you sleep, it's pretty late already."

"Ok" was the only answer Ennis could give, not really wanting to end their call, yet knowing there was no point in drawing out their goodbyes.

"See you soon."

"Take care, Bud."

"You too."

Then Jack hung up, a fact for which Ennis felt grateful somehow, because he wasn't certain he would have been able to be the one to end their call. Strange how some things had shifted since his trip to Childress.

But Ennis this time didn't feel guilty. He just felt somehow happy. Happy that he had for once taken the right decision, months ago, and happy about the path his life was taking, finally, maybe…

And thinking about everything they'd had to go through in their 21 years to arrive where they stood now, Ennis REALLY felt like sending up another prayer of thanks; this time not for having Jack back in his life, like he'd done in '67, but — no matter how crazy it sounded — for having nearly lost him, more than a year ago already.

Because nearly losing Jack, it had been too much. No way to put all the feelings which Ennis had felt then in words. Fucking, agonizing, heartbreaking and gut-wrenching pain? Utter despair at the loss of the most necessary part of himself? Bad, really bad, just too bad? Hell? ... Words, only words, which couldn't express even the quarter of the half of the beginning of it all. **(*AN 2)**

Yeah, nearly losing Jack, it had been too much, of just everything. But in a way, maybe it had been just enough too. Just enough for him to finally realize a few very important things.

One: that his life had no real meaning if Jack wasn't part of it. Because, all in all, Jack WAS the meaning.

Two: that he had been wrong about them being safer apart. Because what he feared the most could happen, anywhere, anytime, and not only if they were together. He had always known that a tire iron wasn't the only possibility, of course — to mention for example the highest one on the statistics list, Jack could have an accident while driving for his work; or, worst of all, while driving to meet him, huh.

But, at least, a tire iron was the one thing he had believed he could make sure wouldn't happen, and that belief had been enough to justify not only every sacrifice he made, but also every sacrifice he then sort of forced Jack into. Or so he had thought, until Mexico had been mentioned and he had realized that he had in fact no control on that threat either.

So, since he'd understood that, in fact, he couldn't really prevent _anything_, and that the bottom line was just about Jack being in the wrong place at the wrong time rather than only about Jack being around him and 'that thing' holding them in its reins… well, denying his own happiness, and even more, Jack's, had become a cost too high to pay if it gave no guarantee. While being together seemed then the safest option. It kept Jack 'out of trouble', for sure. And, even if he still believed it could one day bring some trouble to them, well, he was starting to think that in the end, maybe, they made more chance together; because 'that thing' was not only a weakness, as he had seen it for so long, but it was a strength too, and something worth fighting for — in a mental way, and in a physical way, if needed.

And, if it ever came to that, at least he would be there to take the blows, to protect Jack, 'till the bitter end if necessary. Ennis was no hero; he just knew now that losing Jack — worst case: because Jack wouldn't be a part of the world anymore; or best case: because Jack wouldn't be a part of his world anymore — would be _the_ thing he wouldn't be able to stand.

And having finally accepted that frightening but simple truth, Ennis vowed that he would do whatever it took to keep Jack not only safe, but also happy – which, bonus, would without a doubt make himself happy too along the way, you bet…

So, no matter how not particularly joyful some of those thoughts were, Ennis understood what they meant. He was ready now. Ready to take the leap, and let the dice fall how they may.

He still wanted to think through the technical part of how they would get to be together, because they had to make it the safest possible, of course. But he had come to the point where he couldn't deny either of them that sweet life they both wanted and which Jack _deserved_ — not even just for all the crap Ennis had ever put him though, but simply for being who he was.

So yeah, Ennis was ready. And yeah, that was enough to make him happy. And for someone usually so keen on being pessimistic, that really meant something.

He nearly called Jack back. He realized, though, that spilling his guts now over the phone would prevent him from seeing Jack's face when he spoke, and decided he could bite his tongue for a few more days.

**EDIT 19/03/13:**

**To the lovely anon MJ (and anyone who still follow this story (thank you from the bottom of my heart)) - I don't know how to communicate otherwise with MJ, and she deserves an answer, so…**

**THANKS so much for your support and your very, very kind words. I know it's been a (much, much too long) time since I wrote about our boys, but I WILL write more. The story isn't over yet, I still love them and they still talk to me. There's just never enough time to write as much as I'd like and it's easier to write when it comes out by itself (generally, if I go 'so, Vanessa, you should write NOW, I end up with 2 sentences after an hour and it's not even great ones, lol)… But your comments made my day, in January and now, so I'll try to get back to it soon. It means a lot that you like this story so much, because it is very dear to my heart and important for me. Hugs. See you around. (And in case you don't mind being left hanging in the middle of a chapter - it might makes things worse :( - there is actually a bit more (but still unfinished, OMG I'm so ashamed, it's now 2 years! I DO love my kids, but sometimes I definitely feel like 'what happened to my free time', huh...) HERE : gothica-vanessa . livejournal 24418 . html # cutid3 and gothica-vanessa . livejournal 24790 . html # cutid3 (without the spaces everywhere))**

**(*) Author's note 1:**

In my crazy world, the day they met is actually the day Ennis turned 19. Though Jack of course learned that only a few months ago, remember?

**(*) Author's note 2:**

Ok, more than kind of using Cyrano's words here (act I scene 4 — the famous nose bit), but it fits! Credits happily given to Edmond Rostand. (By the way, you can read Cyrano de Bergerac (one of my favorite piece ever) online here: french original text www . inlibroveritas lire / oeuvre3576-chapitre11462 . html and english translation www . gutenberg files / 1254/1254-h / 1254-h . htm (without the spaces, of course, but or else here it doesn't work ...)


End file.
